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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Wamphyr - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Wamphyr - OWC  (currently 1141 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but...

Is Dracula considered a creature feature? A monster for sure, but not sure it fits as a creature feature. Someone else would have to decide that.

Way too much V.O. IMHO. Is that common for comics? I have no idea since I'm not a comics fan. It just seems to me that it would be a lot of text to read in each picture. You have nice visuals though and that I can see fitting for the comics idea.

The story is not bad either. I liked it. I think if you could just re-work this somehow with less V.O. it would be much better. I bet the pictures would speak for themselves. We don't really need all that exposition V.O.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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I think Dracula is a creature feature. The original 'creature features' were the Universal monsters : Drac, Frankenstein, the Mummy etc so it's legit.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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Ok. I trust you. You know way more than me about movie stuff.  


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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Well written, but in the end, it’s just another version of how Dracula came to be. Plus, it’s mostly exposition told with dialogue and voice over. A big twist on the legend is needed to make it memorable.
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Haha, nice.
Drakula's entrance is somewhat funny, slapstick funny - he just exposes his fanqs and becomes angry. I think you want to shift away from this kind of funny.
Also, this needs some clearing. You don't need this much VO at the beginning.
Consider getting faster to Drakula. Otherwise it's like you're scratching left ear with your right hand - you don't even need that much story.
It's about Drakula and Mina. And Feren gives us their story. So, I say find the way to get to them faster.
Nice.
Not sure if it's good for this type of comic thing.
Overall, liked this a lot.
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Philostrate
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting and well done. I enjoyed the script, but it took me some time to get there with so much exposition. Maybe too much dialogue for a three-page comic? I like the imagery and the overall structure but I felt the story draws more from fantasy than from horror.


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ReneC
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting twist on the Dracula story. I liked much of it, it has heart and character, but too big for these few pages. The voice over does much of the heavy lifting, which is the only reason this works, but the logic and convenient changes to the vampire powers and weaknesses don’t really work.

Given room to breath, this could be something neat. For the OWC it’s too big and definitely not PG. Still, it is compelling and well written. I will remember this one.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2018, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Long-winded and boring.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title. Had to google it though but I love it.
Great atmosphere from the get-go.
I like Feren and the other names you used. Very memorable.

My biggest beef with this one is the expo. There was way too much there for me and I found myself skipping over parts of the narration. I would've liked to see it move along faster... ex.
Dilemma - They are overtaken by the warriors... and have to waken the vampire demon guy
The Fight - With the help of the vampire demon they kill the soldiers in the mist
The end - As they go to stake the vampire demon for another ten years... he instead kills Feren who throws his woman (the old queen) a sword to take her own life.. but instead the vampire demon sinks his fangs into her neck and she will have to roam eternity by the demon who took her lover's life.

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