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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Wamphyr - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Wamphyr - OWC  (currently 541 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wamphyr by Mario Perrotta (coldsnap) writing as Mario Perrotta (coldsnap) writing as ? - Short, Horror - To stop an ancient evil, a band of soldiers must resurrect something much worse. - pdf format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  November 18th, 2018, 11:03am
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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I think this was both a success and a failure. My feelings are the story was too big for the short length. The amount of exposition to establish the world was more akin to a novel than a short screenplay or comic, imo. There was so much exposition that reading it was something of a chore.

I liked the atmosphere and the tone but I think you needed to get the setting established much more quickly and get to the bones of the story.

The way they were so easily able to defeat Dracula also undid the emphasis you'd put on the danger of reviving him.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 20th, 2018, 12:29pm
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jayrex
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I thought this was an interesting read.

The ending feels like there was an error.  I thought Mina was bitten on her neck only for her to have a spike her chest.  Separately, I think all this blood pushes the boundaries of a PG.

The lunar cycle is like a month.  So the Sikaar are attacking every 13 months.  It seems strange that the King dies and suddenly 13 months later he's this great monster.  Mina is also 32, so this monster legacy can't have lasted for long.  Plus, he'd have to be revived fairly often.

I really think if this story was longer it would flow better.  The tight constraints harmed the impact of the story.

All the best.


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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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A 'bloodied footprint' might have been visually more startling p.2. Imho.

The 'red eyed undead on horseback' instantly reminded me of the creepy white walkers in GOTs. Nice image.
Feren seemed to escape them easily? Ah, okay, he furtively backed out of there.

So far so good, nice cross fantasy/vampire tale but I'd reconsider the V.O. which took me out of the flow. Plain dialogue would suffice?

P.7 should be 'beside him now' - typo 'his' fyi.

Mina drives the silver spike through his chest but it has little effect and she's still bitten.? Hmm, okay, I'll go with it.

I like this. Very nice visuals for the comic format, just something missing in the execution of it   which I can't put my finger on. Perhaps if Drakul was released in the midst of battle to save the day? Nice work.



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currentcmine
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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I felt that you could have shortened the opening, compressing the VO dialogue and gone straight to the action. A few typos. Could have ended with who rules Wallachia now that Drakul and Mina are undead.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was too overwritten for my taste. With a three page comic in mind, it could have started at the crypt with a couple short captions to give backstory. If this is selected, that's probably what they would need to do to make it fit.

Great imagery and action sequences for illustrations. The story just needs to be compressed. My big question: How does Drakul kill the undead? Is it just that he tears them apart? And what's in it for Drakul to do this for the living?

Pretty ambitious work for three pages of comic. Good work, writer.
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was very well done.

Also, pretty sure the writer studied the existing comics at HyperEpics. I'm betting they noted the text boxes as a tool for laying out exposition... and decided VO was the script equivalent.

That said, I felt the VO was a bit overdone. Would have liked to get to the action sooner.

Due to style and story, I think this has a chance to be chosen.


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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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I personally think there is way too much dialogue for a 3 page comic. It would be a real struggle to get everything in.

The story felt more like a fantasy with the creature feature element shoehorned in.

While you were going for that classic horror end with the eyes shooting open, that really doesnít work for me, and it goes against the logic you have set for the piece. The silver spike is either enough to contain them or it isnít. Why are her eyes shooting open?

Lots of creativity, so I did quite enjoy it. I donít think it suits the challenge, but I do think the story is well worth turning into a bigger piece.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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Exposition overload. You could cut all of the VO at the beginning as the characters explain what is going on. Even so, their dialogue could do with a polish to sound more natural.

Nice usage of the Dracula legend. Visually this would work well for a comic. It just needs more work and a lot of trimming.


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GM
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats for completing OWC.

This felt like a movie. lol. Very expensive but still a movie. lol.

Maybe during the VO, have the scenes back it up? Like show the dragon, the war etc. Can't wait to find out who this is and read more of your work. lol.

Gabe

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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Narration/dialogue could do with a trim.  As written the words would tend to overpower the action blocks.

Itís minor, but do the silver spikes work to keep them Ďdeadí or not?  The ending feels like something of a false note otherwise.

A decent idea, not really my sort of thing but there's a certain satisfaction in bad guys meeting their demise at the hands of an even worse character.  Could do with a leaner, tighter form of world-building to streamline the set-up.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Feels a little bit bloated, lots of exposition to wade through before the story kicks in. Might work better with a few more pages an not for this parameter of the OWC.  Not terrible by any means, but seems a bit bland....although the setting is nice.

Since it could be intended for a visual medium...wouldn't it be wonderful to show me a dragon instead of telling me about it?


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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We don't start with a FADE IN, but I like your opening Slug alot!  You've set your scene here and I know right where we are.

I don't like the 2 passages that follow, though - both end in an unnecessary orphan and you repeat your Slug in the opening passage.

Nice use of the SUPER!  Now we know exactly where we are and when.

OK, so through the end of Page 2, we have lots of background info, as well as some nice visuals, but IMO, this would not transfer to the comic format we're after, as everything is fed to us through VO.  Lots of orphans running around here, too, which need to be looked into - 6 in all, which means 6 wasted lines in 2 pages.  For short shorts, this is a problem.

Page 3 - You've got a 7 line passage here and it's a mess.  Don't go over 4 lines - EVER.  Just no need for it.  This is not broken up correctly.  Break up the individual intros after the action lines about Feren approaching.

Sadly, the dialogue exchange doesn't sound remotely realistic.

I feel like I've seen these scenes play out in an actual movie...or maybe movies.  Most of the action is skirted over with VO, but this is still a bloody, bloody script, and unlikely PG rated.  It's also absolutely a HUGE budget and it's extremely unlikely this would transfer well to the comic we're after.

Things go downhill on the last 2 pages, as if the RUSH to finish was on and the final shot doesn't work for me.

IMO, this is much too big a concept for a short short and it feels like a mere scene from a movie about Drakul.  Not bad, though.

Grade - ** 1/2


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Dreamscale  -  October 22nd, 2018, 4:32pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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That was good stuff. Doesn't really feel like a short but I still enjoyed it. Seemed more like an opening to a fantasy/action movie. I could see it cutting to present day right after that and introducing our hero.

Other than the exposition being a bit overdone, the dialogue and everything else was quite good. Write it as a feature!


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irish eyes
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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A lot exposition happening which easily have been trimmed down.

I did enjoy reading it although I pictured more of a mini movie than a comic strip.

One of the better entries but not my fav

Good job on entering


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, but...

Is Dracula considered a creature feature? A monster for sure, but not sure it fits as a creature feature. Someone else would have to decide that.

Way too much V.O. IMHO. Is that common for comics? I have no idea since I'm not a comics fan. It just seems to me that it would be a lot of text to read in each picture. You have nice visuals though and that I can see fitting for the comics idea.

The story is not bad either. I liked it. I think if you could just re-work this somehow with less V.O. it would be much better. I bet the pictures would speak for themselves. We don't really need all that exposition V.O.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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I think Dracula is a creature feature. The original 'creature features' were the Universal monsters : Drac, Frankenstein, the Mummy etc so it's legit.
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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Ok. I trust you. You know way more than me about movie stuff.  


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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Well written, but in the end, itís just another version of how Dracula came to be. Plus, itís mostly exposition told with dialogue and voice over. A big twist on the legend is needed to make it memorable.
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Haha, nice.
Drakula's entrance is somewhat funny, slapstick funny - he just exposes his fanqs and becomes angry. I think you want to shift away from this kind of funny.
Also, this needs some clearing. You don't need this much VO at the beginning.
Consider getting faster to Drakula. Otherwise it's like you're scratching left ear with your right hand - you don't even need that much story.
It's about Drakula and Mina. And Feren gives us their story. So, I say find the way to get to them faster.
Nice.
Not sure if it's good for this type of comic thing.
Overall, liked this a lot.
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Philostrate
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting and well done. I enjoyed the script, but it took me some time to get there with so much exposition. Maybe too much dialogue for a three-page comic? I like the imagery and the overall structure but I felt the story draws more from fantasy than from horror.


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ReneC
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting twist on the Dracula story. I liked much of it, it has heart and character, but too big for these few pages. The voice over does much of the heavy lifting, which is the only reason this works, but the logic and convenient changes to the vampire powers and weaknesses donít really work.

Given room to breath, this could be something neat. For the OWC itís too big and definitely not PG. Still, it is compelling and well written. I will remember this one.


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Dustin
Posted: October 26th, 2018, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Long-winded and boring.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title. Had to google it though but I love it.
Great atmosphere from the get-go.
I like Feren and the other names you used. Very memorable.

My biggest beef with this one is the expo. There was way too much there for me and I found myself skipping over parts of the narration. I would've liked to see it move along faster... ex.
Dilemma - They are overtaken by the warriors... and have to waken the vampire demon guy
The Fight - With the help of the vampire demon they kill the soldiers in the mist
The end - As they go to stake the vampire demon for another ten years... he instead kills Feren who throws his woman (the old queen) a sword to take her own life.. but instead the vampire demon sinks his fangs into her neck and she will have to roam eternity by the demon who took her lover's life.



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