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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  So Warm The Water - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    So Warm The Water - OWC  (currently 1450 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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So Warm The Water by ? - Short, Horror - A tormented Mariner finds comfort in the most unlikely of company. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I liked the writing and the tone. The image of the hundreds of sharks was excellent. There was good tension in the survival scenes.

The only false beat is the 'learning from sharks' thing. It's pretty clear from the story that he's just a bit of a psychopath from the start and wishes to survive at any cost. He didn't learn that from hungry sharks.

Perhaps if he ate Ashmore rather than throwing him overboard there would be more of a connection.  You got to eat to survive, kind of thing.

Almost certainly a contender, though.
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jayrex
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  Just as STF said, I would have tied the ending back to Lt. Ashmore.

Good visuals too.


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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. You wrote the action well, the visual of all those sharks has impact. You described Hoyt nicely right down to his liver spotted hands, I just thought the ending a little anticlimactic. I understand he's a shark of a different kind, but I wanted something shocking at the finish line.


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Warren
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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It's not my favourite at this point, but it's a decent effort. I do think it would look great as a comic.

EDIT: Nothing wrong with the font. Just my device messing with it, my bad.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  October 21st, 2018, 4:00pm
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currentcmine
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Perspective without distortion.

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Well, certainly the sinking of the USS Indianapolis was a horror. No doubt. But the story lacks any urgency outside the events of the flashback. I was expecting Hoyt to penetrate the glass wall and give himself up to the shark for his pulling Ashmore into the water. Obviously survivor guilt. Ending needs more punch.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Well...that was pretty dark.

Good job, writer. Kept me reading to see where it was going to end up. I hope there wasn't an Indianapolis survivor named Hoyt. Definitely a talented writer. This will illustrate well, too.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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Wow, that was really powerful and would work wonderfully as a comic. Great job!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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coldsnap
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Nice, tight little story, riveting all the way through. As others mentioned, ending was sort of abrupt. Didn't get any Halloween or "creature feature" vibes from this, which could hurt its chances for the comic, but a good short script on its own.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. Nice survival story with a philosphical angle. There are many cool images here too. During the shark actions, the writing stumbled a bit regarding the direct translation to visuals on screen for my taste. Nothing that couldn't be easily fixed though.

This could read faster but however the story has lots to offer and moves within a wide spectrum, which makes it very interesting to follow. Also there's some definite dark in here.

Good job



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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This one is in my top two.

Great imagery, reads easily and an enjoyable tale. Set up at the beginning of the attendee knowing his name gave me the impression of this man being obsessed with these beasts for a long time

I didn't get a feel that the sharks were more sinister than normal feeding frenzied sharks, which is fine, except this was a creature feature so I was expecting them to be... different

Very enjoyable read though


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Nice visuals in this one.
I think it's perfect for this creature feature competition.
And it could be pulled off easily for the comic thing.

At first the VO sounds a little rough for my ear. Not sure what's wrong with it. The first VO line - not there I think. Might be just me - I haven't expected it, maybe that's the reason.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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The writing was fast paced and a great read.

But honestly it doesn't resonate with me as far as creature feature  for a Halloween OWC.
In amongst the sharks I was actually anticipating  a new creature, some kind of Shark hybrid at least.

The visuals were great I was just disappointed because obviously you're a great writer but sharks eating people in a comic strip.. not for me

Good job entering


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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That was pretty damn good. Harrowing. Not sure I'd change much of anything but one thing to consider... have something in the present day that illustrates his newfound "understanding". Maybe at the beginning he can zero in on some weakness of the Attendant. Or there's something predatory about his movements that unsettles her.

Alternatively, maybe at the end his walking stick is just a prop and he ditches it. But then I guess you couldn't end on that great final image of the two faces together.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing OWC.

I agree with what Scar Tissue says in regards to the ending.

Other than that, it was good.

Nothing more to add.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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