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So Warm The Water - OWC (currently 1450 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:28am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
So Warm The Water by ? - Short, Horror - A tormented Mariner finds comfort in the most unlikely of company. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:13pm |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I liked the writing and the tone. The image of the hundreds of sharks was excellent. There was good tension in the survival scenes.
The only false beat is the 'learning from sharks' thing. It's pretty clear from the story that he's just a bit of a psychopath from the start and wishes to survive at any cost. He didn't learn that from hungry sharks.
Perhaps if he ate Ashmore rather than throwing him overboard there would be more of a connection. You got to eat to survive, kind of thing.
Almost certainly a contender, though. |
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Reply: 1 - 22 |
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jayrex |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:41pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad. Just as STF said, I would have tied the ending back to Lt. Ashmore.
Good visuals too. |
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Reply: 2 - 22 |
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LC |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 6:28pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Very nice. You wrote the action well, the visual of all those sharks has impact. You described Hoyt nicely right down to his liver spotted hands, I just thought the ending a little anticlimactic. I understand he's a shark of a different kind, but I wanted something shocking at the finish line. |
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Reply: 3 - 22 |
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Warren |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 7:37pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
It's not my favourite at this point, but it's a decent effort. I do think it would look great as a comic.
EDIT: Nothing wrong with the font. Just my device messing with it, my bad. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - October 21st, 2018, 4:00pm | | |
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Reply: 4 - 22 |
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currentcmine |
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 1:05pm |
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New Perspective without distortion.
LocationSherman Oaks, CA Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Well, certainly the sinking of the USS Indianapolis was a horror. No doubt. But the story lacks any urgency outside the events of the flashback. I was expecting Hoyt to penetrate the glass wall and give himself up to the shark for his pulling Ashmore into the water. Obviously survivor guilt. Ending needs more punch. |
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Reply: 5 - 22 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 2:52pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Well...that was pretty dark.
Good job, writer. Kept me reading to see where it was going to end up. I hope there wasn't an Indianapolis survivor named Hoyt. Definitely a talented writer. This will illustrate well, too. |
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Reply: 6 - 22 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Wow, that was really powerful and would work wonderfully as a comic. Great job!
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 7 - 22 |
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coldsnap |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:23am |
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New
Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Nice, tight little story, riveting all the way through. As others mentioned, ending was sort of abrupt. Didn't get any Halloween or "creature feature" vibes from this, which could hurt its chances for the comic, but a good short script on its own. |
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Reply: 8 - 22 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:36am |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I liked this one a lot. Nice survival story with a philosphical angle. There are many cool images here too. During the shark actions, the writing stumbled a bit regarding the direct translation to visuals on screen for my taste. Nothing that couldn't be easily fixed though.
This could read faster but however the story has lots to offer and moves within a wide spectrum, which makes it very interesting to follow. Also there's some definite dark in here.
Good job |
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Reply: 9 - 22 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 9:03am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
This one is in my top two.
Great imagery, reads easily and an enjoyable tale. Set up at the beginning of the attendee knowing his name gave me the impression of this man being obsessed with these beasts for a long time
I didn't get a feel that the sharks were more sinister than normal feeding frenzied sharks, which is fine, except this was a creature feature so I was expecting them to be... different
Very enjoyable read though |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 10 - 22 |
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khamanna |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 10:04am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Nice visuals in this one. I think it's perfect for this creature feature competition. And it could be pulled off easily for the comic thing.
At first the VO sounds a little rough for my ear. Not sure what's wrong with it. The first VO line - not there I think. Might be just me - I haven't expected it, maybe that's the reason. |
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Reply: 11 - 22 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:52pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
The writing was fast paced and a great read.
But honestly it doesn't resonate with me as far as creature feature for a Halloween OWC. In amongst the sharks I was actually anticipating a new creature, some kind of Shark hybrid at least.
The visuals were great I was just disappointed because obviously you're a great writer but sharks eating people in a comic strip.. not for me
Good job entering |
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Reply: 12 - 22 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 7:12pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
That was pretty damn good. Harrowing. Not sure I'd change much of anything but one thing to consider... have something in the present day that illustrates his newfound "understanding". Maybe at the beginning he can zero in on some weakness of the Attendant. Or there's something predatory about his movements that unsettles her.
Alternatively, maybe at the end his walking stick is just a prop and he ditches it. But then I guess you couldn't end on that great final image of the two faces together. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 13 - 22 |
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Mr.Ripley |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 9:30am |
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January Project Group Writing
LocationNew York Posts1979 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Congrats on finishing OWC.
I agree with what Scar Tissue says in regards to the ending.
Other than that, it was good.
Nothing more to add.
Gabe |
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Reply: 14 - 22 |
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