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So Warm The Water - OWC (currently 1493 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:28am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
So Warm The Water by ? - Short, Horror - A tormented Mariner finds comfort in the most unlikely of company. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:13pm |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I liked the writing and the tone. The image of the hundreds of sharks was excellent. There was good tension in the survival scenes.
The only false beat is the 'learning from sharks' thing. It's pretty clear from the story that he's just a bit of a psychopath from the start and wishes to survive at any cost. He didn't learn that from hungry sharks.
Perhaps if he ate Ashmore rather than throwing him overboard there would be more of a connection. You got to eat to survive, kind of thing.
Almost certainly a contender, though. |
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Reply: 1 - 22 |
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jayrex |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:41pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad. Just as STF said, I would have tied the ending back to Lt. Ashmore.
Good visuals too. |
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Reply: 2 - 22 |
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LC |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 6:28pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7621 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Very nice. You wrote the action well, the visual of all those sharks has impact. You described Hoyt nicely right down to his liver spotted hands, I just thought the ending a little anticlimactic. I understand he's a shark of a different kind, but I wanted something shocking at the finish line. |
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Reply: 3 - 22 |
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Warren |
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 7:37pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
It's not my favourite at this point, but it's a decent effort. I do think it would look great as a comic.
EDIT: Nothing wrong with the font. Just my device messing with it, my bad. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - October 21st, 2018, 4:00pm | | |
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Reply: 4 - 22 |
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currentcmine |
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 1:05pm |
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New Perspective without distortion.
LocationSherman Oaks, CA Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Well, certainly the sinking of the USS Indianapolis was a horror. No doubt. But the story lacks any urgency outside the events of the flashback. I was expecting Hoyt to penetrate the glass wall and give himself up to the shark for his pulling Ashmore into the water. Obviously survivor guilt. Ending needs more punch. |
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Reply: 5 - 22 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 2:52pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Well...that was pretty dark.
Good job, writer. Kept me reading to see where it was going to end up. I hope there wasn't an Indianapolis survivor named Hoyt. Definitely a talented writer. This will illustrate well, too. |
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Reply: 6 - 22 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Wow, that was really powerful and would work wonderfully as a comic. Great job!
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 7 - 22 |
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coldsnap |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:23am |
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New
Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Nice, tight little story, riveting all the way through. As others mentioned, ending was sort of abrupt. Didn't get any Halloween or "creature feature" vibes from this, which could hurt its chances for the comic, but a good short script on its own. |
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Reply: 8 - 22 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:36am |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I liked this one a lot. Nice survival story with a philosphical angle. There are many cool images here too. During the shark actions, the writing stumbled a bit regarding the direct translation to visuals on screen for my taste. Nothing that couldn't be easily fixed though.
This could read faster but however the story has lots to offer and moves within a wide spectrum, which makes it very interesting to follow. Also there's some definite dark in here.
Good job |
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Reply: 9 - 22 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 9:03am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
This one is in my top two.
Great imagery, reads easily and an enjoyable tale. Set up at the beginning of the attendee knowing his name gave me the impression of this man being obsessed with these beasts for a long time
I didn't get a feel that the sharks were more sinister than normal feeding frenzied sharks, which is fine, except this was a creature feature so I was expecting them to be... different
Very enjoyable read though |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 10 - 22 |
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khamanna |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 10:04am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Nice visuals in this one. I think it's perfect for this creature feature competition. And it could be pulled off easily for the comic thing.
At first the VO sounds a little rough for my ear. Not sure what's wrong with it. The first VO line - not there I think. Might be just me - I haven't expected it, maybe that's the reason. |
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Reply: 11 - 22 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 4:52pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
The writing was fast paced and a great read.
But honestly it doesn't resonate with me as far as creature feature for a Halloween OWC. In amongst the sharks I was actually anticipating a new creature, some kind of Shark hybrid at least.
The visuals were great I was just disappointed because obviously you're a great writer but sharks eating people in a comic strip.. not for me
Good job entering |
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Reply: 12 - 22 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 7:12pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
That was pretty damn good. Harrowing. Not sure I'd change much of anything but one thing to consider... have something in the present day that illustrates his newfound "understanding". Maybe at the beginning he can zero in on some weakness of the Attendant. Or there's something predatory about his movements that unsettles her.
Alternatively, maybe at the end his walking stick is just a prop and he ditches it. But then I guess you couldn't end on that great final image of the two faces together. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 13 - 22 |
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Mr.Ripley |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 9:30am |
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January Project Group Writing
LocationNew York Posts1979 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Congrats on finishing OWC.
I agree with what Scar Tissue says in regards to the ending.
Other than that, it was good.
Nothing more to add.
Gabe |
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Reply: 14 - 22 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 9:42am |
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Guest User
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Off to a good start with solid writing.
"FLASHBACK" - I always use "BEGIN FLASHBACK", but this fine, I guess.
Hoyt's age is not correct...simple math here. He would be 93.
Maybe it's a personal thing, but I really don't like reading "Young Hoyt" over and over.
For me, things have taken a serious downturn with this long Flashback. First of all, we all know this tale due to the movie, Jaws. Secondly, the writing, although not bad at all, just isn't cutting it here to portray the terror taking place. Third, this ain't no creature feature, IMO.
Bottom of Page 3 - "From a distance, Young Hoyt grips the tiny raft, bracing himself he pulls Ashmore overboard." - This is awkwardly phrased, and it's too bad, as this is the power of your story. It needs more here, needs to be written better, and much more visual.
Didn't do much for me. There's a solid attempt to make this more than it is with the ending, but it's just too dull for me overall, and in no way a creature feature. Not sure how/if this would transfer to the 3 page comic thing, either.
For the most part, it's well written and structured, though.
Grade - ** 1/2 |
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Spqr |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:36am |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Is it murder or self-defense if you cause another person to die so you can live? An excellent story, but I’m not sure it’s in the spirit of the challenge’s main parameter: namely that it be a creature feature. “Jaws” was a creature feature, but surviving an encounter with random sharks doesn’t strike me as one.
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Reply: 16 - 22 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 3:49pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
I wonder if I missed something
Is there a monster that�s not a shark?
Is it just a personal torture thing? The need to see the enemy from the sea?
Wasn�t sure about the end - May need to re read |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:54am |
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I read this one before bed and forgot to comment. My thoughts were...
Sharknado!
Not one for me... although well written. I'm sure some will like it. |
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Philostrate |
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 12:30pm |
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New
Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Another good one. It's tight, well written and has great imagery, with the hundreds of sharks and the sinking of the USS INDIANAPOLIS. It could be perfect for the comic. The tension was there, with the survival story, and kept me in until the last word. However, like Libby, I wanted a little more from the ending. A very good effort, thought. Nice job, writer. |
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ReneC |
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 2:29pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Nicely done. The ending was anticlimactic, but it fit with the tone. I would have saved the reveal about Lt. Ashmore for the final scene, the final lesson he learned from the sharks, to yank the lieutenant off the raft like a shark pulling its victim under. Or, have him push someone off once he’s safe, just to give to the sharks, nothing to do with his survival, just to watch them take another.
Visually excellent, great writing. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 4:14pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I didn't originally comment on this script, as I didn't want to out myself by commenting on every script but my own (yes, I tend to overthink things.)
But, I gave this script one of my top scores. It's well written with a nice, full, tale.
Like others, I pondered different endings (last shot: him sliding into the water, the shark turns for him), but I do like the ending as it sits.
This would make an excellent comic. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 3:52am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
So glad this got in the top 2, it was a favorite of mine. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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