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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Ole Bess' Bait Shop - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Ole Bess' Bait Shop - OWC  (currently 615 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ole Bess' Bait Shop by ? - Short, Horror, Light - Wanna catch something big? Choose the right bait. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Fun little tale with a clever and relevant turn around.

There are deeper, more layered stories in the competition but this works well for what it is.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 20th, 2018, 9:49pm
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JEStaats
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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HAHA! Good one. I like how you bring it home at the end. I think this would translate well into panel illustrations. Good work, writer.
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Philostrate
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Fun and clever. Well written. I liked the concept. It fits well the parameters of the OWC and, like John said, it would translate well into comic format.

Good work!


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Warren
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing on display, I couldn't fault it.

It's an enjoyable tale with a satisfying ending that I definitely didn't pick.

Well done.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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First read and I liked this.
Good writing on hand with a nice little twist at the end without giving it away.


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currentcmine
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Good fish story aka monster/creature. The twist with Bess is cool. Just some clarity issues.
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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So, they're not going to need a bigger boat,    they're going to need a stronger rope.

It's good for what it is - a Jaws tale with humour. Creature-Feature? Hmm, yeah, just not what I imagine as one.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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For some reason I liked this script as soon as I saw the title. OLE BESSí BAIT SHOP Ė What a fantastic name!

And what a fantastic script. Loved it. This will work great as a comic.

As much as I love this, and although it ties into the name of the shop and the ending perfectly, I find the idea of a group of fisherman trying to catch one creature for years didnít quite work as written. Surely after so many attempts they would be better prepared? They would know by now what type of rope to use, for example.

So Iíd suggest making the encounter something that shows clearly theyíve been attempting this for a long time, or preferably, that they regularly hunt monsters in the water using humans for bait. Sometimes they catch something, sometimes they donít. I actually think this would make a great anthology focused around the shop.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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I actually like this one a lot. Probably one of the better entries in the OWC.
Kind of reminded me of something that could have been in a Tales From The Crypt---coffin humor. If Bait Shop winds up being a favorite, I wou;dn't be surprised.

Terrific job, writer.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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I can't really add anything more constructive than has already been said. But I did really enjoy this.

I've read all of the OWC entries and my mind keeps bringing me back to this one.

Good job
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Nice fun tale with an enjoyable ironic tone.

That said I was a bit confused why the old Lady could talk Howard so easily into taking a flare gun with him, when it was merely a lake on a sunny day.

The colors and images felt fresh, writing was all right.

Good stuff.


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PraneelNand
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, really enjoyed the read, it was well written which makes it easy to follow. From what I understand that bait shop is in the business of catching that creature, you think they would provide more than a flare gun for people fishing out there. I guess that what makes it creepy. A bit lacking in substance, but given the constraints itís understandable. Would make a for a good comic strip, great job writer.  
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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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LIttle jarring to go from Howard standing outside the bait shop to standing inside the bait shop.  Could use that first scene to establish the setting without Howard.

Stronger rope?  More as a nod to Jaws I guess, but I did wonder how many times they've tried this?  The set-up would suggest itís not the first time.  In which case, do you need the talk between the Woman and the Man about the flare?  Wouldnít they know the signal?  Itís minor, but it frees up a bit of space to use elsewhere.    

The ending felt a bit dry - somewhere between straight horror and blackly comic, but then as a comic strip, it could work just fine.  Itís well written with some visuals I could see working well on the page.  A simple idea, but a solid take on the challenge.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Opening Slug - shouldn't this be "OLE BESS' BAIT SHOP"?  As in the title?

Passage that follows is poorly written. Howard is an obvious male name, so saying he's "male" is a waste, and then you repeat your Slug as well, which is always a waste and mistake.

And the next passage shows us that the opening Slug is incorrect, as this is Ole Bess' Bait Shop.

And now Howard is inside the bait shop, which is an odd transition.

If the boat is Howard's, he would have a flare gun in there, I would assume, as well as whatever else one needs in a fishing boat.

Page 3 - Not giving any details of the boat the 2 guys are on is a mistake, as we can't picture this struggle, or the size of anything.

OK, so this isn't to be taken seriously, but it's not funny to me, not scary, not exciting.  Kind of blah, actually.  And that's too bad, as the idea is quite sound.

I guess it's a creature feature and I guess it would fit into the 3 page comic thing, but it's not for me, sadly.

Grade - ** 1/2



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