SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:35am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Beneath The Surface - OWC Moderators: Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Beneath The Surface - OWC  (currently 1637 views)
coldsnap
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Story wise it feels familiar, not treading new ground here, but still there's always a certain gratification in seeing bad people get their just desserts. Some passages do border on prose, which is fine, but they could do with a polish. I was a little confused - does Andy "summon" the Leviathan? What exactly does he do to bring the creature out of the water? Wasn't very clear there. While the subject matter is not really my thing, there's plenty of imagery though that would work well in comic format.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 18
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
Getting drunk on cough medicine...
or maybe lemon extract.

Opening shows me a (wooden) house. Lots of description regarding anything but the house. I don't even know it's decaying until I get inside. uite a few "then this happens" kind of stuff. Heavy on prose. This I suspect is going to turn a lot of people off. And yes, I am one of them. I dig me some swampmonsters, I do not dig me LSD trips. Yes, yes, no character dropped acid. I know. I know.

But somebody sure did, and it wasn't me.
I'm outta here.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 16 - 18
stevemiles
Posted: October 25th, 2018, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Unnecessary repetition in the scene headers and action lines.  We know we’re inside the house, it’s established in the slug.

The series of images seems only half thought out and then interrupted by the dialogue.  Where are we when Andy and the Leviathan first talk?

The idea feels familiar, but I liked that you thought to throw in a hint as to why she beats him.  There’s a history here.

On the fence about Andy’s age - 14 seem a little old, but then again a lifetime of abuse could destroy a person’s confidence.

For what it is the concept isn’t bad.  It’s simple enough and could land with a degree of impact.  You got my sympathy for the character with the beating so I was invested to a degree.  The writing needs a clean-up, it’s not helping the read.  Descriptions are overdone in places but I could see this working in comic form.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 17 - 18
leitskev
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
Great job, Rick!

Very Lovecraftian.

Perfect for a 6 pager! And I find 5 or 6 pages very hard to craft a complete a story within, but it's done just right here.

I believe at the end you want the audience to wonder if the monster inhabited the body of the child and empowered him to kill the mother. He of course would have a different subjective experience of that killing, because of the shock involved, so he might imagine the actual monster doing it. Or then again maybe the monster did. Good to keep the audience guessing!

The subjective part of the story leads to some questions of the voiceover. Not at all saying it was a problem, just maybe a topic for consideration here.


"For a second I regret what I have
done. I try to send it back where it
came from. I try to stop it. But it's
too strong..."

Nothing at all wrong with that! But in this style, the boy is a distant narrator of events happing live. "For a second..."

An alternative...and not a better one, just a different choice...would be to connect more closely to the consciousness of the boy instead of using him as a distant narrator.

For example: "What have I done! Go back, fiend! I take it back!"

What I just wrote stinks, but it's just to demonstrate another possible way.

"And it's getting stronger and
closer. The darkness. Closer and
closer. Oh God...It's here."

A simple  deletion makes it feel more live. "Stronger, closer, the darkness, closer and closer...oh God!"

By removing a few words it feels less like distant narration.

But as I said, these are choices from a range of them. I actually like the narrative filter! It feels like we are along for the ride with the narrator, all of us witnesses to the story. The narrator becomes a companion on the journey. It leaves us less close to events, but I don't mind that at all.\

Great work!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 18
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2018 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006