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Story wise it feels familiar, not treading new ground here, but still there's always a certain gratification in seeing bad people get their just desserts. Some passages do border on prose, which is fine, but they could do with a polish. I was a little confused - does Andy "summon" the Leviathan? What exactly does he do to bring the creature out of the water? Wasn't very clear there. While the subject matter is not really my thing, there's plenty of imagery though that would work well in comic format.
Getting drunk on cough medicine... or maybe lemon extract.
Opening shows me a (wooden) house. Lots of description regarding anything but the house. I don't even know it's decaying until I get inside. uite a few "then this happens" kind of stuff. Heavy on prose. This I suspect is going to turn a lot of people off. And yes, I am one of them. I dig me some swampmonsters, I do not dig me LSD trips. Yes, yes, no character dropped acid. I know. I know.
But somebody sure did, and it wasn't me. I'm outta here.
Unnecessary repetition in the scene headers and action lines. We know we’re inside the house, it’s established in the slug.
The series of images seems only half thought out and then interrupted by the dialogue. Where are we when Andy and the Leviathan first talk?
The idea feels familiar, but I liked that you thought to throw in a hint as to why she beats him. There’s a history here.
On the fence about Andy’s age - 14 seem a little old, but then again a lifetime of abuse could destroy a person’s confidence.
For what it is the concept isn’t bad. It’s simple enough and could land with a degree of impact. You got my sympathy for the character with the beating so I was invested to a degree. The writing needs a clean-up, it’s not helping the read. Descriptions are overdone in places but I could see this working in comic form.
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Perfect for a 6 pager! And I find 5 or 6 pages very hard to craft a complete a story within, but it's done just right here.
I believe at the end you want the audience to wonder if the monster inhabited the body of the child and empowered him to kill the mother. He of course would have a different subjective experience of that killing, because of the shock involved, so he might imagine the actual monster doing it. Or then again maybe the monster did. Good to keep the audience guessing!
The subjective part of the story leads to some questions of the voiceover. Not at all saying it was a problem, just maybe a topic for consideration here.
"For a second I regret what I have done. I try to send it back where it came from. I try to stop it. But it's too strong..."
Nothing at all wrong with that! But in this style, the boy is a distant narrator of events happing live. "For a second..."
An alternative...and not a better one, just a different choice...would be to connect more closely to the consciousness of the boy instead of using him as a distant narrator.
For example: "What have I done! Go back, fiend! I take it back!"
What I just wrote stinks, but it's just to demonstrate another possible way.
"And it's getting stronger and closer. The darkness. Closer and closer. Oh God...It's here."
A simple deletion makes it feel more live. "Stronger, closer, the darkness, closer and closer...oh God!"
By removing a few words it feels less like distant narration.
But as I said, these are choices from a range of them. I actually like the narrative filter! It feels like we are along for the ride with the narrator, all of us witnesses to the story. The narrator becomes a companion on the journey. It leaves us less close to events, but I don't mind that at all.\