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There's elements of a good story here. I find it unbelievable a new girl to the area has suddenly accepted an invitation to stay over, yet the two girls aren't exactly friendly with each other. It's also convenient for Natalie to have two beds in her room. I'd imagine as a parent that one child of theirs would only have one bed. If you make the girls long time friends, this would help. Separately, why is Sarah banging her head? This is the real mystery. I don't get it. Delete this part.
Do a little tidy up and you've got a good story in the making.
Minor grumble: ‘...one side of a small table’ - consider losing stuff like this, it lengthens the sentence for no good reason. What do you lose by using: ‘...sits at a table...’.
Opening dialogue between them sounds unnatural - purely for the reader’s sake. Think of a more organic way to get the info across.
How do we know Natalie has her grandmother’s strawberry blonde hair?
JAMIE Hi. Well I'm Jamie, Natalie's mom and this is obviously Natalie.
Have they never met? Billy didn’t know this kid either, so how has this sleepover been arranged? Where’s the logic here?
I’m struggling with this one. The characters’ actions/reactions just don’t read naturally to me with a plot that’s hard to piece into a cohesive whole. Is Sarah’s character (and her Mom) even necessary? Why not have Natalie draw the creepy picture? If Sarah’s key to this then I couldn’t see how.
It’s a tough concept. You’d need the mother of fresh takes to pull off a monster under the bed short, for me, this wasn’t it.
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This is quite good. The climax is excellent, rough edges aside. You took a common trope and flipped it nicely, very well done.
The set up took too long, leaving no room for the ending to breathe. The opening scene is pointless, you could save space there. Everyone knows what a sleepover looks like, just get to it.
For the climax, I don’t get what I’m supposed to be seeing in Nat’s bed when Jamie pulls her daughter out. I also don’t know what the deal is with her seeing herself suddenly in Sarah’s bed. And a big question...why do they have two beds for one daughter?
Billy swinging in the end was neat, but it makes no sense, it only exists to match the drawing. There monster doesn’t seem to have anything to do with it.
Nice job, one of the better ones despite it’s shortcomings.