Blood Diamonds by An Elephant - Short, Suspense - A guide leads a man to a cave of riches and learns some bargains have too high a price. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The writing in this is a drag at times. Could do with some work. The story is OK. Had a bit of a Jack London vibe going on for a while.

I liked the monster. The story didn't quite have enough to grab me.

This didn't work for me. It felt too underdeveloped. I know you didn't have many pages to work with but this could have done with more explanation.

I also don't think the long blocks of dialogue will work well for a comic.

All the best.

Dang it, I'm confused. I really liked this all the way until the reveal of the snake (?) or elephant trunk (?). What am I missing here?

Very well written and I think this would translate to comic panels easily. I just need some clarification on the ending. The suicide might be a bit brutal for the PG-13 rating.

Good work writer.

Rating: PG (no cursing or excessive violence)

The guy blows his head off in the end!!!

Anyways it was kinda tough to follow and as far as comic strip, I can't see it working but that's just me.

Good job on entering though

Another interesting entry. Forgive my ignorance, but is this grootslang based on some sort of myth or folklore? Good imagery, I'll admit I've never seen a demonic elephant before. But the ending did leave me with more questions than answers. Not sure if that was intentional, but maybe some quick background into Sebastian and why he's obeying this grootslang would be helpful? Well written tho.

Strange one this for me. I like the Grootslang snake but the execution was all over the place. Lots of dialogue, no real explanation for anything and a random suicide at the end. I think you have the basis of a good idea here, it just needs more work.

There's some really lovely descriptions in this and I could picture it beautifully - loved the bats filling the sky, the glittering cave - could picture it on the comic page.

I'm disappointed cause I was readying myself to say I loved it all but honestly, I don't think the story fulfillled its potential and I was disappointed with the ending. I dunno, feels like so much care went into the writing of three quarters of this and then a shock ending was thrown our way.

Well done on the bits that were very well done.

Minor grumble: they have flashlights and cell phones yet they’re just walking through this wild and dangerous landscape?  

Is this tunnel the same as the bottomless pit?  A bit confusing visually.  

Why does Joshua dive for his rifle - isn’t he carrying it?

Interesting set-up and location.  The elephant’s behavior gives this a decent kick of mystery as does the discovery of the elephant graveyard (cue Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan vibe) but you lost me towards the end as to the ‘why’.  

Why is Sebastian doing this?  What power does the Grootslang hold over him that he needs to keep delivering diamonds and sacrifices?  Without understanding the stakes for disobeying its commands the ending is left to fall a bit flat.  Why not just keep the diamonds and not worry about it?

Not sure why we need to know exactly what each character is wearing...let's see if any of it comes into play.

I'm not really sure what to say here.  It's well written, seems to be well researched and thought out, yet it just doesn't seem to be believable...or real.  May be the situation, may be the low page count, but it just doesn't ring true.

Based on the ending, it's also not PG rated.

Yet, there's something here, and it's not just imagination alone, yet I can't say I really enjoyed it, but I will remember it.

It needs...more.  It needs meaning.  It needs stakes.  It needs memorable characters...or maybe just characters with some character.

It's not bad, though...that's for sure.

Grade - *** 1/2

A different, interesting story. But it raised a question: if the cavern walls are studded with diamonds, why did Sebastian have to bring a pouch with diamonds? Another question: why does a snake need diamonds? A brief explanation as to how Grootslang intends to become a god would have made the story even better.

Nicely absurd. I liked the atmospheric presentation. It's good.

Another interesting entry. It’s well written and I liked the visuals of the Elephant Graveyard and the Grootslang snake but the story, and specially the ending, was disappointing. Maybe it just needs some clarification on the ending or a little explanation on the previous scenes but it didn't work for me. Good job on completing the script on a week, though.

I don't think this makes the PG rating, especially blowing his brains out.  I'm guessing this Grootslang is a hybrid between a snake and an elephant.  It wasn't that clear to me.  What got me thinking was, why Sebastian was motivated to bring Joshua (a sacrifice) to the Grootslang.  I should imagine if it hides in a tunnel/cave, then he's free to go home.  If there's a deal in place.  What is it?  Why does he have to bring Joshua there?  He brings diamonds, Joshua, and expects, what?

Doesn't quite hit the mark for me.

Congrats on your submission though.