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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›   Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Turn Me On Dead Man by David Clarke Lambertson (eldave1) (writing as: Russell "Stringer" Bell) - Short, Noir - John Lennon's struggle with his role in disguising the death of a young Paul McCartney. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 1st, 2015, 3:42pm
revised draft
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grademan
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Beatlemania! Yes, this was a clever use of the "Paul is dead" rumours.  This may inspire similar stories for Freddie Mercury and Queen, John Bonham and Led Zeppelin.  I liked the dialog peppered  with famous lyrics. It ended just about right except Billy Shears may have been more interesting as the perp in the final scene.  Overall, a light romp. I think the writer had as much fun as I did reading it.

I don't think Stevie did this, he knows too much about The Beatles to not include more than general level knowledge about the Fab 4.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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This has Stevie's short, tight denim shorts written all over it...but I agree with Gary, it's not his.  Stevie's whacky comedic vibe just isn't here.

For what it is, this is alright and maybe even enjoyable, but since it really doesn't bring anything new to the table, and it's apparent early on we're going to be reading lyric after lyric within the dialogue, for me, it gets a little dull.

For the most part, the writing is OK, but there are many, many mistakes. Typos and some misspellings, I can live with in an OWC, but technical mistakes and grammatical mistakes that are repeated over and over, make it clear the writer has some lessons to learn...

...and an OWC is the perfect opportunity to learn.

So, I'll throw you a few bones in hopes of helping your writing going forward.

First of all, please turn off the CONTINUEDS you have on the tops and bottoms of every page.  This is completely unecessary, looks very amateur, and at times, really hampers the read.

When you intro characters, you have to set your description off with commas - before and after - every time.  If you want more clarification, PM me.

When you have more than 1 item in your Slugs, use a hyphen to separate them, not a comma.

Don't use descriptions like, "ONE WEEK LATER" in a Slug.  If it's important, you need to use a SUPER.

As I always recommend, edit as many times as you can.  I know this can be difficult in a time crunch, but there are lots of misspellings here, awkward phrasings, and 5 completely unnecessary lonely little orphans.

All in all, a solid effort.  It appears you took some time to make this all work, and that effort is appreciated.

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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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I thoroughly enjoyed this! A nice, contained story within the much bigger story/urban legend. I believe it flowed well with a solid, very clear beginning, middle and end. Something I find many don't do all that well in short films, myself included. Often I see something that either picks up too soon in the story or end too abruptly. Thought the sprinkling of the song lyrics was a nice touch.

Have to be honest, I am struggling to critique as I genuinely wouldn't know what I'd do differently. Also, I'm new to reviewing. A few things I suppose:

On these three occasions you have action/character description that span four lines.


Quoted Text
"JOHN (26), thin build, mop top hairdo, dressed in a leather
jacket and sporting horn rimmed glasses and GEORGE (23), rail
thin, floppy hair parted in the middle sit next to each other
at a sound mixer."

"A large residence on the outskirts of Liverpool. John, George
and Ringo sit on a large sofa - nervous, fidgety. BRIAN (32),
jet black, clean cut hair, dressed in a black business suit
with a glass of scotch in his hand paces back and forth."

"John (now 40), dark stringy hair wears dark horn rimmed sun
glasses as he talks to George, (now 37), dark straggly hair
with a goat tee and Ringo (now 40), with a grey peppered
beard."


A simple thing but I think no more than two lines in the action or character descriptions keep it ticking along nicely. Just a way of getting more white on the page.

Also, and this is just personal preference, I would have liked to have seen a twist involving the shooter. I think The Beatles are great but I'm not too clued up on any of the behind the scenes stuff with them or their personal lives. I don't know who Brian is, or if he existed in real life but he seemed shady enough to be the one that pulled the trigger. Just a thought.

PS. I'm interested to know, maybe just at the bottom of other's reviews, if you believe in this urban legend, is the real Paul McCartney dead? I'm inclined to believe it may be possible. Haven't done any real research.

--Steve
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Fun to read. The dialogue-by-lyrics was pretty seamless. Don't know how it would seem to people unfamilar with the songs, though.

Nobody appeared very upset that Paul just died. (Who knows, maybe they thought he was just a fool on a hill.)

Format, etc: All the Continueds are annoying. Certain sentences need work. Example, "...sporting horn-rimmed glasses and George..." Somewhere else, a "business suit with Scotch..."

Nicely put together otherwise.

Henry



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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Okay, this is the first OWC script I'm reading.  And it's going to be *very* hard to beat.  I'm not even a Beatles fan, and I'm sure I missed the majority of the in-joke lines... but I found myself laughing out loud at the ones I did catch.  And you even pulled this together perfectly at the end - full circle.

LOVE it.  (And writer?  When this is no longer anonymous, I want it for STS!)  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I'll be honest, it started outstaying it's welcome very early on for me. By page 2.


A fun exercise for a Beatles fan, but not much of a script, if I'm honest. With the amount of effort put into it, I wish I could be a bit more effusive.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Using the Paul McCartney myth as a basis to explain John Lennon's assassination. Couple that with the lyric-laden dialogue and this is a good effort.

A consider from me.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Think this is a decent script.

I liked the legend used and the weaving in of the lyrics... but that element got a little tired for me and a bit distracting about half way through.

But redeemed with the end bringing in Lennons demise.

Good effort

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Leegion
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not overly familiar with the Beatles, even though I have heard of them.  I did however recall reading about John Lennon's Assassination back in school, so I found the ending fitting just as he was about to reveal something.  

I apologize though, not knowing much about the Beatles or "Paul" makes me NOT capable of giving more constructive criticism and/or notes on the subject matter in general as I don't know anything about them other than they were a band from Liverpool and one of them got murdered.

A few minor format issues with some orphans, but I'll overlook that as I'm not a format king myself.

As it stands on its own, it has merits and serves as a decent tale.  I won't mention much else as I don't want to spoil it, but it has a cool twist to it.

Nice entry.
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stevie
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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LOL!  I loved this!  Blondie couldn't believe that's I didn't nab Paul Is Dead but when's I started looking through urban legends I didn't realise this one was classed as one. The. It was too late.

This is done by someone who's pretty clued in about the Fabs. The author hasn't just used the more well known songs. Some only a nut like me would pick up on. But I liked it although the ending jars a bit from the rest of the comedy.

You made one error - the Beatles had stopped playing live in August of 66 so the gig at the Arena is flight of fancy but I can live with it lol.

My thoughts on Paul Is Dead?  Pretty much didn't happen but the overall hoax was so well done that even the Beatles themselves enjoyed it. Some of the clues become a bit ridiculous as they refer to albums before the alleged car crash. I've checked out a few sites that argue that the current Paul is fake by studying the shape of his ears over the decades! Photo proof and all lol

Anyway nice one to start



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irish eyes
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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A nice read and the use of Beatles/ John Lennon lyrics throughout for dialogue was pretty clever.

A pretty good take on an Urban Legend. Probably wrote by an Englishman with the use of "mate" at the start.

The story flowed easily and overall is it was nicely executed




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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Probably wrote by an Englishman with the use of "mate" at the start.


But since the Beatles were Englishmen, using "mate" in dialogue only makes sense, no?

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irish eyes
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jeff
But since the Beatles were Englishmen, using "mate" in dialogue only makes sense, no?


True, but scousers have their own set dialogue. A "scouser" is a liverpudlian if you didn't know. They usually don't finish their sentences with "mate"

"Mate" at the end is more of southern english thing.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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I read the whole thing, but I might need to read it more critically when I get more time to do so. (SNL 40th can be very time consuming.  )

I will tell you this: I Googled virtually every line to see if it was a Beatles reference.


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