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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  A Change of Heart - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A Change of Heart - OWC  (currently 4750 views)
Ryan1
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the breezy dialogue kept this one moving along.  It was very obvious where it was heading though.  Maybe if you put more doubt into our minds over Tracy's intentions.  I realized halfway through that she was going to save him, so the twist didn't have much impact for me.  Really though the only problem I had was believing that this guy could survive open heart surgery in the middle of a seedy motel room, lol.  It's one thing to take out a kidney and throw the guy in a tub of ice, quite another to stop a man's heart, replace it, then bring him back to life.  Tracey needs to be chief of thoracic surgery at the Mayo clinic if she could pull that off.  So maybe make Dennis' ailment a little more manageable, like liver failure(he is in a bar, after all).

Other than that, solid effort.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Sad-sack as character description, great start!

Asian landlord and cat, chuckling...

Can't help feeling there's a missed p***y eating line in there somewhere.

I think her change of heart is a little abrupt, might be worth a better reason, reminds of brother/dad/dead hubby etc - minor quibble as I still went with it

I really liked this, funny and witty, twist ending is very satisfying and the whole thing is a visual treat.

Top job and my current OWC fave.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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A Change of Heart

That Tracey hides her name (by introducing herself as Brandy) only makes sense if she's actually called Tracey by someone or the viewer will never know. If you make it only for the line "Tracey downs her brandy" – well – that's a flat maneuver.

It's a cynical satire imo and that's hard to tackle. Feels like you'll need quite good actors to bring across that kind of humor. It wasn't for me.

I wish you luck with this script.



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Kip
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Some of the lines in this had me chuckling away to myself. "He's just telling me about his fluffles" very Frankie Howerd-esque.

Decent writing, good dialogue and a pretty good wrap up at the end.

Nice job
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c m hall
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Excellent -- original, funny and easy going.  When filmed there should be one maybe two times that Tracey identifies herself by name (on the phone) so that the audience gets the joke that she's calling herself Brandy -- it's just a little joke, but the set up is good -- the timing is good on all of the dialogue.  Filmed, probably the camera will follow Tracey's every sigh and eyebrow lift.  Really good effort.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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A solid effort.

It was a breeze to read and I enjoyed the cat references... the man is down in the dumps.

It took me a while to grasp the ending, I originally thought she took it out and somehow he was still alive
So a nice twist to a well known Urban Legend,

Good job


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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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The good news, is, it was... kinda funny. Kinda.

The bad news is, it wasn't for me. At all. I don't know the urban legend. Nothing much happened until she removed his heart.

Another one with bold slugs? ugh.

Sad to say, I probably liked Arthur the Legend more than this, and I hated that one. Sorry, man. D+


FADE IN:
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mmmarnie
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Great title that really goes with the story. I liked this one a lot. Not LOL funny but amusing and very entertaining. This writer has a true gift for dialog. Two distinct voices, natural sounding, and clever. The dialog is what made this story shine, IMO.

Very nice work writer!!


boop
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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No Fade in? Not a good start and doesn’t give me a great first impression, or maybe I’m being a little picky. This is 8 pages, can’t imagine it would hurt your page count so why not throw it in?

What is nearly empty? I wonder why this bar is so empty, it plays smooth jazz music. That’s pretty cool and hip, right?

Why is it awkward? She’s just waiting for a drink. Can’t help but think I’ve missed a scene, like something happened between these two before.

What’s going on? Why is Dennis sobbing? I do love the line “I’ll be quick, I swear” but this beginning is so abrupt for me.

Give that Woman a name – I think we have “best line” of the OWC already in the bag. I love her line about high school.

“The Bartender arrives” Where did he go?

Hey! Nobody puts Tracey in the corner.

Just a quick question, obviously I don’t know where this is going but I question why Tracey would be looking for a “mark” in a dive bar?

“My Asian landlord’s gonna eat my cat.” Yeah, things are looking really bleak now.

What’s wrong with you? Seriously!? She’s the sanest person we’ve met so far, even if she is gonna cut up poor old Dennis.

Dennis the cat whisperer… and he probably wonders why he’s a virgin.

Like a thirty-seven year old puppy… that understands cats.

Dive bar and now dive hotel room. Where are me? Dive city.

“Can you film it?” Excellent!

I got a few laughs from this, and I guess Dennis is just goofy enough to make it work as is. The last line compliments his character very well actually. I won’t say it didn’t have some issues because I found some of the dialogue more childish than funny but hey, comedy is subjective and all that.

A good read overall and accomplished what it set out to do. Nice job
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DebbieM
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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I can really picture this one being filmed. I like the atmosphere of the bar at the start. The dialogue is smooth and funny. Great short.
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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I think this was pretty great. Dennis was hilarious. The way it was going I genuinely thought she was going to go through with it.

Love that he thinks his 'other problem' is his virginity, even though his heart's failing. Brilliant!

I would have like a little bit more clarity with the ending, but that's a minor problem. One my favourites so far.
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Kyle
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Nice twist on the organ removal legend and some funny stuff here. Interesting characters, a clever story and decent dialogue. Ticks all the boxes for me.
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nemo
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Great story!

it flowed very well, easy to read and the twist was pretty well written.

Dennis had good character development, this is my favorite read so far.

Nemo
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Wow.

So you created some suspense with will he or won't he.

Wtf though when he woke up with the scar and blood note. I finally got it after going back to put it together. Maybe it would shoot better, but reading I was confused, and how would this happen anyway? Open heart surgery in a bathtub? Lots of questions there. Kind of entertaining and a nice ending.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Code

			TRACEY
		Brandy.
			DENNIS
		Well, hi Brandy.
Tracey downs her brandy and pushes the glass away.


LOL! Love this wordplay, right up my alley, but it seems to grate the nerves of many here at SS. I dunno.
Eh... there's a few good parts to this. The comedy is B or C rate, but I imagine the right actors could ad lib it on set to better develop the foundation you've provided.
Nice ending, and I like how it really ties into the title.



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