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I thought the breezy dialogue kept this one moving along. It was very obvious where it was heading though. Maybe if you put more doubt into our minds over Tracy's intentions. I realized halfway through that she was going to save him, so the twist didn't have much impact for me. Really though the only problem I had was believing that this guy could survive open heart surgery in the middle of a seedy motel room, lol. It's one thing to take out a kidney and throw the guy in a tub of ice, quite another to stop a man's heart, replace it, then bring him back to life. Tracey needs to be chief of thoracic surgery at the Mayo clinic if she could pull that off. So maybe make Dennis' ailment a little more manageable, like liver failure(he is in a bar, after all).
Can't help feeling there's a missed p***y eating line in there somewhere.
I think her change of heart is a little abrupt, might be worth a better reason, reminds of brother/dad/dead hubby etc - minor quibble as I still went with it
I really liked this, funny and witty, twist ending is very satisfying and the whole thing is a visual treat.
That Tracey hides her name (by introducing herself as Brandy) only makes sense if she's actually called Tracey by someone or the viewer will never know. If you make it only for the line "Tracey downs her brandy" – well – that's a flat maneuver.
It's a cynical satire imo and that's hard to tackle. Feels like you'll need quite good actors to bring across that kind of humor. It wasn't for me.
Excellent -- original, funny and easy going. When filmed there should be one maybe two times that Tracey identifies herself by name (on the phone) so that the audience gets the joke that she's calling herself Brandy -- it's just a little joke, but the set up is good -- the timing is good on all of the dialogue. Filmed, probably the camera will follow Tracey's every sigh and eyebrow lift. Really good effort.
It was a breeze to read and I enjoyed the cat references... the man is down in the dumps.
It took me a while to grasp the ending, I originally thought she took it out and somehow he was still alive So a nice twist to a well known Urban Legend,
Great title that really goes with the story. I liked this one a lot. Not LOL funny but amusing and very entertaining. This writer has a true gift for dialog. Two distinct voices, natural sounding, and clever. The dialog is what made this story shine, IMO.
No Fade in? Not a good start and doesn’t give me a great first impression, or maybe I’m being a little picky. This is 8 pages, can’t imagine it would hurt your page count so why not throw it in?
What is nearly empty? I wonder why this bar is so empty, it plays smooth jazz music. That’s pretty cool and hip, right?
Why is it awkward? She’s just waiting for a drink. Can’t help but think I’ve missed a scene, like something happened between these two before.
What’s going on? Why is Dennis sobbing? I do love the line “I’ll be quick, I swear” but this beginning is so abrupt for me.
Give that Woman a name – I think we have “best line” of the OWC already in the bag. I love her line about high school.
“The Bartender arrives” Where did he go?
Hey! Nobody puts Tracey in the corner.
Just a quick question, obviously I don’t know where this is going but I question why Tracey would be looking for a “mark” in a dive bar?
“My Asian landlord’s gonna eat my cat.” Yeah, things are looking really bleak now.
What’s wrong with you? Seriously!? She’s the sanest person we’ve met so far, even if she is gonna cut up poor old Dennis.
Dennis the cat whisperer… and he probably wonders why he’s a virgin.
Like a thirty-seven year old puppy… that understands cats.
Dive bar and now dive hotel room. Where are me? Dive city.
“Can you film it?” Excellent!
I got a few laughs from this, and I guess Dennis is just goofy enough to make it work as is. The last line compliments his character very well actually. I won’t say it didn’t have some issues because I found some of the dialogue more childish than funny but hey, comedy is subjective and all that.
A good read overall and accomplished what it set out to do. Nice job
Nice twist on the organ removal legend and some funny stuff here. Interesting characters, a clever story and decent dialogue. Ticks all the boxes for me.
So you created some suspense with will he or won't he.
Wtf though when he woke up with the scar and blood note. I finally got it after going back to put it together. Maybe it would shoot better, but reading I was confused, and how would this happen anyway? Open heart surgery in a bathtub? Lots of questions there. Kind of entertaining and a nice ending.
TRACEY
Brandy.
DENNIS
Well, hi Brandy.
Tracey downs her brandy and pushes the glass away.
LOL! Love this wordplay, right up my alley, but it seems to grate the nerves of many here at SS. I dunno. Eh... there's a few good parts to this. The comedy is B or C rate, but I imagine the right actors could ad lib it on set to better develop the foundation you've provided. Nice ending, and I like how it really ties into the title.