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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  A Change of Heart - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A Change of Heart - OWC  (currently 4748 views)
realxwriter
Posted: February 28th, 2015, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Hilarious. I loved it!

Character:
I completely believed the characters. They felt very real. They had clear motivations. I was rooting for them.

Story:
It was an amazing comedy. It made me laugh. If there is one thing I would complain about is I wished to see more of the characters. The scene in the bedroom could have stretched a bit to show him giving her troubles as she does the transplant. And there was still room for more pages. I saw it as a missed opportunity.

Overall:
A smart comedy that left me wanting more.

Good luck and well done. If the vote weren't off I would have given this recommended.

Edit: I forgot to mention how smart the double meaning of the title was. Good job.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 10th, 2015, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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This was great. A witty sense of humour with...wait for it...yep. I'm going to go there...a heartwarming twist to it.  

One might question the plausibility of someone like Tracey, given her profession, having the titular change of heart like that over the quintessential loser like Dennis whom she's just met. I mean, heart defect or not, she must be a real ice queen if she's doing what she's doing...or to put it more bluntly; immoral, deceitful, downright evil, etc. However, it served the story and worked well within its context.

I particularly enjoyed the Dennis character and his pathetic, "woe is me" warbling. Especially when he was drugged and on the verge of passing out in the hotel room. I really felt sorry for the guy then while still getting a chuckle out of his sheer obliviousness.

Good tie in with the title and that phrase too. A clever piece all around.


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EWall433
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Colkurtz, thanks for the read and thanks to everyone else who gave this a review as well. Mine as well use this as opportunity to address a few things.

First off, the inspiration for this was the Kidney Heist urban legend. I don’t think I need a link, Google should do. Basically I read it and thought, what if you woke up in a bathtub and discovered someone had put something in rather than took something out? The message on the wall (“Call 911..You’re Welcome") was what I built the story around. I realize a heart transplant is a bit of a stretch, but it led to the title and seemed weightier than a kidney. Plus, if there’s a black market organ trade going on, that means there has to be corrupt surgeons dealing in black market organs, so an “off book heart transplant” doesn’t strike me as that much more ridiculous than the original Kidney Heist legend.

As far as Tracey’s change of heart, I figure someone like her is either a straight up sociopath or has an extremely weighted down conscience. My thinking is that she knows what other people would think of her, and it’s kind of how she thinks of herself. So I tried to toggle that in the conversation with her talking about how she used to want to help people and her unenthusiastic feelings toward what she does now. For me the key moment is when Dennis says he won’t judge her. It’s the thing she’d desire most, but also be least likely to find. Combine that with how hapless and innocent he is and harvesting Dennis’ organs becomes about as palatable as harvesting the organs of a golden retriever.

I’ve revised the beginning of this to give a clearer idea of what Tracey’s doing from the start. I didn’t hit it too hard initially, but I think the dialogue works best if you know her intentions upfront. The ending I’ll let be. I’m not sure how I could make it clearer right now. I also think that knowing what Tracey’s up to before hearing about Dennis’ condition makes it easier to connect the dots. So a revision at the start can improve the end as well, I think.

Once again, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. It was a fun challenge as always.
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