A Change of Heart by Demetrius Harris - Short, Comedy - A desperate virgin's excursion to a dive bar yields unexpected results. 8 pages - pdf, format

This was an easy read. Very straight forward.

The dialog in this flows really well. You told us it's a comedy and it truely is - Dennis is a lot of fun and overall there are a lot of funny lines - the whole I'm a virgin thing and part about Fluffles. THe last line is a hoot. The premise is kind of funny too.

I have a short by this title as well by the way.

The only thing is - I didn't understand the ending. What did she do? Took his heart out? He wouldn't survive a minute without it. Yet he wakes up to see it in the sink. And because of that I didn't understand her motive. I didn't understand who she was and why she was calling those guys - I don't know anything about her and what she really did to him. I wish there was more clarity there.

I didn't like Dennis' lines about the cat when he tells Tracey how well he understands his cat. I think you could have him say something funny and out of this world since he's so crazy all the time. And you could describe Dennis a bit more. Sad-sack is not much. I invision him short bald and plump. Is he?

A dive bar? At first I read that as being a rundown bar, a dive. Now I'm thinking it's something to do with stage diving? Just my initial thoughts from reading the log.

Code DENNIS I’ll be quick, I swear.

LOL... as though that would honestly sway her. The opposite would probably work.

I chuckled through much of that. I could point out this or that technically wrong, but it doesn't matter. Great story.

A consider from me at least. I still need to digest it properly... look for the subtlety. Could even be a recommend yet... but at least a consider for now.

She gave him a new heart, Kham.


She was going to kill him and harvest his organs, but instead she gave him a new heart to replace the one that was going to fail.


This was an easy enough read. The jokes and the characterisation of Dennis cheapened it a little for me. Made it hard for me to take the story seriously. Conversely, at no point did it actually amuse me. Maybe because she is behaving so realistically. It would have worked better if the tone was darker and more forbidding....that would have emphasised the twist more.

Dennis's last line was pretty good.

Oh, okay, thanks Rick.

In this case it's a pretty good story and builds up really well. I still wish to know more about her - I wouldn't understand what she did if I watched it. And if I saw her really pitty him and heard her change her mind I would.
But it's a really good one nonetheless.

Wow- this OWC is going to be a tough choice for me.  I've read four... already like the majority of them.  What, did everyone have a special injection of dark comedy for this particular OWC round?

Great dark comedic banter.  (I LOVE the line about 'learning not to pick up crying 40 year old men back in high school.)  Not to mention the Fluffers riffs.  This one just worked on all levels.  Great capper line at the end, too.  

Really enjoyed this!  

That's wasn't what I expected, ina good way.

Nicely handled. I wasn't wholly sure what they did at the end etc, or why, but he lost his cherry - he thinks - so that's good.

Nice effort.

I like it. Not all of it, but much of it.

First, I would change your author name on the title page. It tipped me off early where you were going, and I don't like to be tipped off.

My landlord will eat my cat is funny...sort of. Kind of a cheap laugh that really isn't worth it.

And Dennis is a 37-year-old virgin. I guess we accept that because of Steve Carrell. But I'd give Dennis a few more traits to make us buy into it. We know he's a sad-sack puppy man, but maybe a hint of something more?

Henry

You know, it's funny when a script is well written...or even not poorly written, it's so much more appealing and so much easier just to sit back and read.

And this is the case here.  It's well written...or well enough written that literally nothing need to be brought up.

It's funny enough and clever enough in dialogue to work as a quick and easy read.

I like how you took a very common UL and not only flipped it upside down, but also gave a whole new take and tone on it.

I think the very end and its payoff needs a little attention, because it's not completely clear as written, but for what it is, it works, and it works quite well.

Nice job.  You've moved into 2nd place out of the first 23 reads, and of those first 23, I have only this and my personal fave at or above a 4 out of 5 stars - the rest are mostly 0's, 1's, and 2's.

Asian landlord's gonna eat his cat, lol...

I liked this.  Quick and lean.  Question is... what Urban Legend is this based on?  I'm not OVERLY familiar with every one, but I'm concerning myself with the wonder as to what Urban Legend invokes a woman meeting a man at a bar and replacing something that doesn't work... might have to look it up.

Otherwise, neglecting my blindness as to what Urban Legend this is, this was a decent story with 2 great characters and a good premise that delivers.  And Fluffles is a good name for a cat.

Nice job, writer.

I enjoyed this story very much. I liked the twist at the end, even if it stretches credulity. Well written, fast-paced... what more can you ask from a writer? Also this would be easy to film... er, shoot, yea, that the current word. Good job and best of luck.

So far, one of my favorites. An enjoyable read.

I think Dennis should be a bit younger than 37.

Seems like I totally missed this one. Not entirely sure if I agree with peeps saying the writing is fine, definitely could be a lot better -- but if it floats everybody else's boat, then there's not much to say.

Not a bad effort, quick to read without excess clutter -- something that's been plagued in the OWC. Not sure if I understand the ending as is, I could guess, but like I said for another entry, I'd rather not embarrass myself if it's not right. Actually, skimming over the other comments, it seems like my guess was right. Definitely pulling on the believability factor, would she really do that? I can't say for certain.

Well done.  A riff on a classic myth about harvesting organs, although I'm not convinced it could happen that way.  Perhaps a trade? a kidney for a heart?  And I, for one, would like it if he was lying all the way along.  He's not a virgin, he doesn't have a bad heart, he's just looking to get a pity lay.  But that's me.

Best
Richard

The best one so far for me.

Well written, very funny in parts and a nice ending. And just when I thought Tracey was going to do something horrible to poor Dennis.

Very good overall, really enjoyed it.

Good luck.

I thought the breezy dialogue kept this one moving along.  It was very obvious where it was heading though.  Maybe if you put more doubt into our minds over Tracy's intentions.  I realized halfway through that she was going to save him, so the twist didn't have much impact for me.  Really though the only problem I had was believing that this guy could survive open heart surgery in the middle of a seedy motel room, lol.  It's one thing to take out a kidney and throw the guy in a tub of ice, quite another to stop a man's heart, replace it, then bring him back to life.  Tracey needs to be chief of thoracic surgery at the Mayo clinic if she could pull that off.  So maybe make Dennis' ailment a little more manageable, like liver failure(he is in a bar, after all).

Other than that, solid effort.

Sad-sack as character description, great start!

Asian landlord and cat, chuckling...

Can't help feeling there's a missed p***y eating line in there somewhere.

I think her change of heart is a little abrupt, might be worth a better reason, reminds of brother/dad/dead hubby etc - minor quibble as I still went with it

I really liked this, funny and witty, twist ending is very satisfying and the whole thing is a visual treat.

Top job and my current OWC fave.

Anthony

A Change of Heart

That Tracey hides her name (by introducing herself as Brandy) only makes sense if she's actually called Tracey by someone or the viewer will never know. If you make it only for the line "Tracey downs her brandy" – well – that's a flat maneuver.

It's a cynical satire imo and that's hard to tackle. Feels like you'll need quite good actors to bring across that kind of humor. It wasn't for me.

I wish you luck with this script.

Some of the lines in this had me chuckling away to myself. "He's just telling me about his fluffles" very Frankie Howerd-esque.

Decent writing, good dialogue and a pretty good wrap up at the end.

Nice job

SPOILERS

Excellent -- original, funny and easy going.  When filmed there should be one maybe two times that Tracey identifies herself by name (on the phone) so that the audience gets the joke that she's calling herself Brandy -- it's just a little joke, but the set up is good -- the timing is good on all of the dialogue.  Filmed, probably the camera will follow Tracey's every sigh and eyebrow lift.  Really good effort.

A solid effort.

It was a breeze to read and I enjoyed the cat references... the man is down in the dumps.

It took me a while to grasp the ending, I originally thought she took it out and somehow he was still alive
So a nice twist to a well known Urban Legend,

Good job

The good news, is, it was... kinda funny. Kinda.

The bad news is, it wasn't for me. At all. I don't know the urban legend. Nothing much happened until she removed his heart.

Another one with bold slugs? ugh.

Sad to say, I probably liked Arthur the Legend more than this, and I hated that one. Sorry, man. D+

Great title that really goes with the story. I liked this one a lot. Not LOL funny but amusing and very entertaining. This writer has a true gift for dialog. Two distinct voices, natural sounding, and clever. The dialog is what made this story shine, IMO.

Very nice work writer!!

No Fade in? Not a good start and doesn’t give me a great first impression, or maybe I’m being a little picky. This is 8 pages, can’t imagine it would hurt your page count so why not throw it in?

What is nearly empty? I wonder why this bar is so empty, it plays smooth jazz music. That’s pretty cool and hip, right?

Why is it awkward? She’s just waiting for a drink. Can’t help but think I’ve missed a scene, like something happened between these two before.

What’s going on? Why is Dennis sobbing? I do love the line “I’ll be quick, I swear” but this beginning is so abrupt for me.

Give that Woman a name – I think we have “best line” of the OWC already in the bag. I love her line about high school.

“The Bartender arrives” Where did he go?

Hey! Nobody puts Tracey in the corner.

Just a quick question, obviously I don’t know where this is going but I question why Tracey would be looking for a “mark” in a dive bar?

“My Asian landlord’s gonna eat my cat.” Yeah, things are looking really bleak now.

What’s wrong with you? Seriously!? She’s the sanest person we’ve met so far, even if she is gonna cut up poor old Dennis.

Dennis the cat whisperer… and he probably wonders why he’s a virgin.

Like a thirty-seven year old puppy… that understands cats.

Dive bar and now dive hotel room. Where are me? Dive city.

“Can you film it?” Excellent!

I got a few laughs from this, and I guess Dennis is just goofy enough to make it work as is. The last line compliments his character very well actually. I won’t say it didn’t have some issues because I found some of the dialogue more childish than funny but hey, comedy is subjective and all that.

A good read overall and accomplished what it set out to do. Nice job

I can really picture this one being filmed. I like the atmosphere of the bar at the start. The dialogue is smooth and funny. Great short.

I think this was pretty great. Dennis was hilarious. The way it was going I genuinely thought she was going to go through with it.

Love that he thinks his 'other problem' is his virginity, even though his heart's failing. Brilliant!

I would have like a little bit more clarity with the ending, but that's a minor problem. One my favourites so far.

Nice twist on the organ removal legend and some funny stuff here. Interesting characters, a clever story and decent dialogue. Ticks all the boxes for me.

Great story!

it flowed very well, easy to read and the twist was pretty well written.

Dennis had good character development, this is my favorite read so far.

Nemo

Wow.

So you created some suspense with will he or won't he.

Wtf though when he woke up with the scar and blood note. I finally got it after going back to put it together. Maybe it would shoot better, but reading I was confused, and how would this happen anyway? Open heart surgery in a bathtub? Lots of questions there. Kind of entertaining and a nice ending.

Code TRACEY Brandy. DENNIS Well, hi Brandy. Tracey downs her brandy and pushes the glass away.

LOL! Love this wordplay, right up my alley, but it seems to grate the nerves of many here at SS. I dunno.
Eh... there's a few good parts to this. The comedy is B or C rate, but I imagine the right actors could ad lib it on set to better develop the foundation you've provided.
Nice ending, and I like how it really ties into the title.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Hilarious. I loved it!

Character:
I completely believed the characters. They felt very real. They had clear motivations. I was rooting for them.

Story:
It was an amazing comedy. It made me laugh. If there is one thing I would complain about is I wished to see more of the characters. The scene in the bedroom could have stretched a bit to show him giving her troubles as she does the transplant. And there was still room for more pages. I saw it as a missed opportunity.

Overall:
A smart comedy that left me wanting more.

Good luck and well done. If the vote weren't off I would have given this recommended.

Edit: I forgot to mention how smart the double meaning of the title was. Good job.

This was great. A witty sense of humour with...wait for it...yep. I'm going to go there...a heartwarming twist to it.  

One might question the plausibility of someone like Tracey, given her profession, having the titular change of heart like that over the quintessential loser like Dennis whom she's just met. I mean, heart defect or not, she must be a real ice queen if she's doing what she's doing...or to put it more bluntly; immoral, deceitful, downright evil, etc. However, it served the story and worked well within its context.

I particularly enjoyed the Dennis character and his pathetic, "woe is me" warbling. Especially when he was drugged and on the verge of passing out in the hotel room. I really felt sorry for the guy then while still getting a chuckle out of his sheer obliviousness.

Good tie in with the title and that phrase too. A clever piece all around.

Hey Colkurtz, thanks for the read and thanks to everyone else who gave this a review as well. Mine as well use this as opportunity to address a few things.

First off, the inspiration for this was the Kidney Heist urban legend. I don’t think I need a link, Google should do. Basically I read it and thought, what if you woke up in a bathtub and discovered someone had put something in rather than took something out? The message on the wall (“Call 911..You’re Welcome") was what I built the story around. I realize a heart transplant is a bit of a stretch, but it led to the title and seemed weightier than a kidney. Plus, if there’s a black market organ trade going on, that means there has to be corrupt surgeons dealing in black market organs, so an “off book heart transplant” doesn’t strike me as that much more ridiculous than the original Kidney Heist legend.

As far as Tracey’s change of heart, I figure someone like her is either a straight up sociopath or has an extremely weighted down conscience. My thinking is that she knows what other people would think of her, and it’s kind of how she thinks of herself. So I tried to toggle that in the conversation with her talking about how she used to want to help people and her unenthusiastic feelings toward what she does now. For me the key moment is when Dennis says he won’t judge her. It’s the thing she’d desire most, but also be least likely to find. Combine that with how hapless and innocent he is and harvesting Dennis’ organs becomes about as palatable as harvesting the organs of a golden retriever.

I’ve revised the beginning of this to give a clearer idea of what Tracey’s doing from the start. I didn’t hit it too hard initially, but I think the dialogue works best if you know her intentions upfront. The ending I’ll let be. I’m not sure how I could make it clearer right now. I also think that knowing what Tracey’s up to before hearing about Dennis’ condition makes it easier to connect the dots. So a revision at the start can improve the end as well, I think.

Once again, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. It was a fun challenge as always.