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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Arthur the Legend - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Arthur the Legend - OWC  (currently 4298 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Arthur the Legend by Victor Drazen - Short - A senile old man becomes a legend among legends. - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Logline doesn't say much... or so it seems. We'll see, I suppose.

I know what you're going for here, I just didn't laugh very much. The one gag where we find out it wasn't his car to begin with was funny, but the rest didn't do it for me.

I think more urban legend characters are needed within the normal narrative with even more irony for this to work.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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And the first of the pissers is here.  Nice.

Well...wait a second...is it alright if I label this a big old hairy pisser?  Or is it merely a comedy?  To me, it reeks of urine, as the writing itself appears to be purposely bad in so many different ways.

Is it funny?  Well, I laughed numerous times, but many of those laughs weren't over the jokes themselves, but more the presentation, and again, to me, that's what a pisser is.

At 9 pages, this ran a bit long for me.  Many of the jokes weren't that funny...or weren't funny at all.  Hey, I like me a big old hairy pisser, but this one won't be remembered, sorry to say.
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realxwriter
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Writing style:
I loved the way you write the scene. It was visually strong. I mean none of it was unclear or confusing. None of it was over the top.  I haven't seen red flags as far as screenwriting is concerned. Well done.

Characters:
I couldn't find any depth to them. I didn't relate to them. Maybe you didn't want them to be so, or made no effort for it on purpose, but I believe even for a comedy, a character needs to have some depth and we need to relate to him somehow. I remember the hungover and how it managed to give each of the friends a problem we could relate to. One had no friends, one had a controlling girlfriend.

Dialogue:
I thought the part when Arthur talked to himself in the beginning felt forced. His dialogue with Junior felt real, but most of it wasn't funny. I had some good chuckles but I wished for more. The slender man was a bit funny, but the humor in his lines left something to be desired.

Story:
It progressed at a good pace. But there was no structure to it. Even for a piece that is "parody-ish," it still needed to have a solid structure. "The cabin in the woods" was a mockery for the genre to some extant, but we still got a well structured story where we were eager to know what happens next to the characters. In your story, I was just tagging along but I wasn't eager to flip the pages because nothing made me want to.

Over all:
I think you're skilled and you could tell any story you want with ease and finesse, but this won't matter if you don't put more effort into making the story itself intriguing and compelling.

Score: 2/5
Thank you and good luck.

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wonkavite
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, well - I'll give you plenty of credit for throwing in everything except the kitchen sink.  Maybe that as well, I might've missed it in all the details.  And - I truly admit that I laughed out loud at the first appearance of Richard Gere.  The hairy palms bit was a nice mesh of urban legends, too.  But once Arthur pulled out the gun and shot the kids, it was pretty clear this one was a pisser.  Too crazy of one to retain my interest.  (BTW - how did Arthur drive off in the car, if it wasn't his?  You didn't specifically mention that the key was already in the ignition...

Imaginative, I'll give it that.  Gotta get rid of those Continueds, though...  
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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"sits on the dead kid in the
driver seat."

What a shame, since that's the only line I really laughed at. A lot of the jokes fall flat, and the writer tries hard but they just don't work. Could've been special. Towards the start as well, it felt like you didn't know how serious you were going to take the script, mullets and Richard Gere and all. Needs work if it's a comedy, also needs work if it's a pisser. I remember this one writer submitted like 3 at once a few OWCs back, definitely some of my favourites. Always had a good laugh. Maybe an appearance of Cowboy Sam or Frenchman Cozco could've made this funnier.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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I'm not the biggest comedy fan....not seen a good comedy in at least a decade.


This one fell flat for me. Most comedies do.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11
Maybe an appearance of Cowboy Sam or Frenchman Cozco could've made this funnier.


Genius!!!  I forgot about those 2 lovable characters!!!!  I need me some Cowboy Sam and Cozco.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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arthur

well at first sight hardly an urban legend, but lets no right it off until we read…

The kids were great, but the clown
          tasted funny.

boom boom

well that was bonkers.

I enjoyed some, and other parts dragged. Some good lines though.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevie
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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I loved most of the lines, very funny stuff!  The murder of the 2 kids jarred a bit for me as it wasn't exactly numerous. But yeah Richard Gere stole the show although you forgot the masking tape to wrap around the gerbil. Or is that used for guinea pigs?

Oh, and technically, as I pointed out to Jeff, because comedy is a genre allowed in this, then there are no pisstakes, even if they are.

Does that make sense?  Does to me lol



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Iancou
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Aside from the points that others made, I would say that the overabundance of ULs detracts from the story. Focusing on one or the collision of two with a twist would have, in my opinion, made for a more engaging story. The ending reminded me of the classic Robert D. Raiford "Armageddon" skit.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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C'mon, some of you people need to lighten up! There's some funny stuff here, and I really liked the idea of mashing all the urban legends together.  Made for a fun romp, and if people want to look at something like as being a pisser, then I don't know what to say.

Sure there were some groaners, but there was some pretty clever lines and visuals here. And the payoff at the end was golden.

So a winner for me.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Okaaaaaay...  

Some formatting issues:

Didn't look like 12pt Courier to me.

12pt Courier should look like this.

Screenplays (or at least specs) shouldn't use bold or italics.

Orphaned slugs in a couple places. You could have used a page break if your software didn't do it automatically.

The story itself:

I'm as confused as Arthur himself. I thought this was gonna be about a senile King Arthur, but then it becomes a story about some senile guy named Arthur who bumbles through the story. We didn't get an urban legend until Bigfoot (or Junior/Bigfeet, as you call him) showed up.

Not sure what the whole Blair Witch thing was about.

Then the ending reminded me of Cabin in the Woods, which was purposely over-the-top and not meant to be taken seriously.

I'm not sure how to grade this story, but I'll try.

Grading method:
Better than Matlock = A+, A, A-
What'll they think of next? = B+, B, B-
Back in my day... = C+, C, C-
Zzzzzzzz, huh, what? = D+, D, D-
Get off my lawn! = F

I'm gonna have to go with: Back in my day...


FADE IN:
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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The title page says Copyright 2014.

Does this mean it was not written last week?

I'm inclined not to read it.

But I guess I will.

Back later...



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Stumpzian
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Seems to me that Beavis or Butthead wrote several of the entries this time.

The thing is, B and B are often funny.

This script isn't. It thinks it is. Just like boys in middle school think they're funny.

This kind of stuff degrades the OWC.







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