Captain Hook by Leonardo Leonardo - Short, Urban Legend - Every lovers lane has its own Captain Hook.  What a way to scare someone. - pdf, format

This one was a nice take on the "killer of teens on lovers' lane." I enoyed the ending(s). The story had a 50s vibe. The line about "great sex" was enough to warn me that something wasn't right. Storywise, it rolled by almost too quickly. The police at the end should have shouted a warning and then shot. I would've liked it if the cops were in on it too so Justine could be the mastermind. BTW, measurements are not needed in a script. They tend to bring the real world in on the story.

Gary

I'm sorry, but the writing here is very poor.  So many mistakes of every kind imaginable, littering every single page, and the awkward delivery and redonkulous asides sure don't help.

I read the entire script, and the payoff is actually decent.  It's the delivery that suffers here.

Aside from the poor writing, there's no setup whatsoever.  Things take off way, WAY too fast.  You didn't create any horror or tension.  I mean, seriously, your 5th passage has the hook already...seconds after Billy left the car.  From here, again, it all just goes way too fast and is too dull and cliche to pull your readers in.

If you think about what happens here for even a few sceonds, it's clear none of this could actually take place, including the cop shooting the innocent Kyle without a word, and even funnier, as he's behind Justine, with an arm around her throat - that cop's 1 Hell of a shot!

Your twist was well concieved and ends on a dark note, which is often the case for many of these "jokes gone wrong" type of plots.  The problem here is the writing itself, as well as the pace.  Hopefully, you understand and see these issues as well as realize why they are mistakes.

Ah, a double, double cross.  With a twist ending.  Very imaginative.. and you can ultimately do a lot of fun stuff with this!

The writing itself needs some polish, IMO - which isn't surprising, given that you wrote this in only seven days.  But most important; this one's worth of the work needed to smooth it out and make it as good as it can be.

This one I liked.  Like a good urban legend, nice and short.  And the twists kept on coming.  This tale forgoes suspense in favor of surprises.   Looks like it was written in a hurry, but the pace of the story more than makes up for the grammatical shortcomings.  An early favorite.

Despite the - at times - poor grammar and formatting, this moved really well. I was digging the twists and turns.


SPOILERS





The ending jarred a bit as why would Kyle assume a fake killing stance? Asking for trouble! Lol.  Perhaps an ending where the cops come up and they are wearing masks and they are the real killers?!   Lol.  Anyway nice entry.

Please note: I can overlook bad grammar and stuff if the story still propels us.

Was this meant to be funny? Since it had me laughing, there's my sick sense of humour. I think M. Night entered this OWC and this is his script. Twists after twists, too much? I think so. Because of the suddenness of it all, it unfortunately just gave me the occasional chuckle every few seconds. Nothing was milked, no tension, no nothing really. Either make this a comedy or make it longer. A decent effort.

My problem with this (beyond the poor grammar) is that logically it just doesn't make sense, as pointed out below:

SPOILERS:

If Justine is in on the deal, why does she try to call 9-1-1? Wouldn't she just pretend to call?

How does the hook sink in her chest and blood squirt everywhere - because from the SCREEEE on the car, Kyle has an actual iron or metal hook.  He would have to have awfully good aim to hit a squib planted on her chest. And wouldn't Billy have noticed something as he was feeling Justine up? Maybe he hadn't gotten to her boobs yet.

Why do the police show up all of a sudden and flip on their lights?

Why did Kyle suddenly grab Justine when the cops showed up? That made absolutely no sense, nor the immediate shooting by the police of Kyle.

It's fine to have these different twists one on top of the other, you just need to do it logically.  In a rewrite, I would correct all the grammar problems as well as the logic problems, and then this would be a pretty decent effort.


Gary

This one is kind of funny.

It moves at a great pace, which almost smooths over some huge flaws in the logic of this piece.  Almost.

And it kind of craps out at the end, as if the author just needed to bring this to a close before the deadline for submission.

If the author comes back to this one and smooths out the rough patches -- and brings this to a better conclusion -- it could be a fun, low-budget piece of work.

I had some of the same logic hiccups that Hawkeye already described (e.g., why did she really call 9-1-1, etc.)

Aside from that - well written - crisp.

Has potential if the contradictions and suspensions of logic previously mentioned are addressed. Otherwise, there are good possibilities here. Recommend revising with the above comments in mind. It would be easy to film and you have time before the Halloween season kicks off in 8 months.

This one was a very quick read, although, I did have to read some of the lines a couple of times.

"BILLY 18, mugs JUSTINE, 18"...initially read a bit awkward that. Being a Brit, I thought he'd was pinching her handbag or something. I know we're in a car, but there you go.

A few logic issues, but they've been mentioned before, so I won't go over things you already know.

Captain Hook ...

Will tinker bell turn up, let's see in lovers lane...

Billy mugs! In my part of the world that means he's just beaten her up !!

More twists than a monte carlo road race

Whilst I didn't wholly buy into all of them, especially the last one, there is something in this. Simple, and effective.

Just dial it back, also some foreshadowing would help

Many, many, many twisteroos for us to sink our hooks into, pun intended.

I kinda expected "Hook" to show up at some point and really kill these teens, but I guess expecting something often lends itself to disappointment.  Not that this is bad, it's good.  A few sprinkled errors here or there, double-spacing kinda throws me off a little, but solid effort for a week's work.

I did like the ending though, even if it was a little "sudden".  Guess a joke can only go so far, right?

I think too many twists annoy people. Plus every other twist takes away from the previous one. So you end up devaluing your own story.