APPLE

Interesting legend. Never heard about it. The execution as a script was doubtless the best so far, imo.

So, it's a social drama; I simply don't know if the plot's exciting enough to justify a shooting. The blueprint is fine, it just seems this apple's pressed out completely.
Maybe I feel so because the theme domestic violence could need a modern effort that actually helps and educates families how to behave effectively in our times with regards to nowadays science. Just a serious theme for using it as a fairytale imo.

Good job.

I liked this with the bittersweet ending.

Revenge from the 7 year old, although not too sure how apple pips bring on asthma... I guess it was an Urban Legend.

The writing was clean and the script was enjoyable.

Now stylishly desgined -- designed

Nice work

Urban Legend apple Pips

In spite of George's cliched introduction ("Where's my dinner!") and that Emily and son have no early concern with him coming home (he had just came from the bar) this short script was actually for the most part  working for me until page 6, anyway. That's when "30 years later" happens, and older Joe talks to his daughter about the pits and ends with "I know".

This suggests that Joe, for thirty years, has believed he killed his abusive, drunken father with apple pits, not his father's bad health due to drinking and smoking. In addition, it suggests something slightly sinister. While I seriously doubt his mom would leave him alone with his abusive and sick father, the setup is understood. He believes he had a hand in his father's death.  At his young age, that is fine. as an adult, it isn't. It is best left to a child's imagination and grief.

Yes, grief.
Yes, George was abusive. Yes, George was drunk., Yes, George was a chain smoker.

George also was sick
George is still Joe's father.

What I'm getting at here is that the story lacks any emotional punch. It isn't revenge. It isn't tragic. It's arbitrary.

There are formatting issues at play here, but they may be a case of rushed writing or actual form. Either way, it didn't really distract from the read. I'm sure, with a proper polish, it could look nice. The story was cute, if familiar. However, you'd have to eat a lot more than four seeds before the cyanide actually kills you. It's the same as thinking that swallowing four pills will make you OD. In that case, try rewriting it where he maybe blends up about a hundred of them into a powder and pour it in. That could be a bit more believable.

C+.

There isn't really any urban legend here because apple seeds do in fact contain minute traces of arsenic, just not enough to kill an adult.  So, this tale played out pretty much exactly like I thought it would from page one, the little boy kills the father to save his mother.  But the fact that the paramedic seemed to instantly know that George died of an asthma attack brought on by choking on the seeds?  That seemed like quite a stretch.  There were no twists or surprises, just a straight up vengeance tale.

Smart story that painted a good picture of Joe's young life. The true reason for George's death remained a mystery; not really nailing down that pips poisoned him due to the cough set up when George first entered. Mentioning the auotpsy established suspense in the fable however that suspense was not played out so the ending was anti-climactic for me. While I get that Joe heard the medic talk about pips and that perpetuated the legend, the final scene has Joe saying trust me, I know, so in Joe's mind the poison legend stuck. It just didn't stick in my mind and I think there is a bit more twist available here.

Nice opening with Joe and Annie – When the husband arrives, and even though you’ve set it up – you still groan – not one of those stories about an abusive husband. Let’s see where you take this…

“flicks the butt into the sink full of dishes.” Impressive flick from the doorway unless of course the sink is beside the doorway?

Yeah, this dialogue is already well trodden ground and I’m losing interest.

“(to herself)

God, I really wish you were dead sometimes.”

Does she mean this about George or herself? Seems odd to say this in front of Joe.

Some little niggles with the writing, but it’s been good overall.

You really don’t need to describe every room now – we get that they live in a rundown house and are short of money.

“A PARAMEDIC stands talking” A PARAMEDIC talks… It’s kinda of understood that he’s standing unless it’s vital to the story that you tell us because we may think otherwise. There are a few examples of this in the writing that I’ve picked up on. It could be tightened is what I’m saying.

I’m worried now – without Geroge, this story has lost all the threat for our characters, or should we be worried that they might investigate Joe?

“It’s tragic what just a couple of apple pips can do.” I’m confused? Did he choke on the pips or was he poisoned by them? How would the paramedic know he was poisoned by apple pips?

Is it right that Joe smiles at the death of his father. Yeah, his father was abusive but he’s a murderer now. I don’t know if the message is right for me here, there’s protecting and just plain killing – I know, the urban legend but still. If the opening had been more violent other than demanding his “damn dinner” then I might be able to get behind this but, it seems over the top for what’s happened.

Yeah, my comment above goes a long way to how I feel. I feel the opening with George needs to be more strong and violent to pull this off. At the moment, it doesn’t work for me. The whole thing felt forced to me, show abusive husband and then kill him off. Show an older Joe, who smiled at the death of his father, share the story of pips with his daughter. Did this kid really feel no guilt over this event? If only human emotions were so easy – this needs work for me. It needs to be expanded and the characters need some work.

Your initial description of the room, first you tell us is squalid and outdated...then you show us. That's repetitive. Just stick with the showing. You did a good job with that. From your visual description I got squalid and outdated. Trust your writing.

Leaner writing could be practiced throughout. Example...A frail looking boy, his arms are covered by a multitude of small bruises.

I think the story here is good. What didn't work for me was the dialog. None of it felt natural. It was stiff, forced and in some places expositional.

Nice work for one week though.

Well, written and sort of well told. I think this one would be easy to film.

IMO, you went a little too far with the despair. Even the toy soldier only had one leg. I can understand what you were going for, but it felt slathered on. I think it would work better if you toned down the despair and made George a little more abusive instead. If I recall, he and Joe never even said a word to each other. Also don't think Joe should smile when George is dead. That makes him seem sort of like a psychopath rather than a kid who tried to save himself and his mother. I think a 7 year old kid would be terrified to realize he just killed his dad. He wouldn't be smiling about it.

It was also very predictable. We can tell where this is going from page one. Still, for a one week effort, I think you did a GREAT job.  

Nicely written. I liked it overall but was expecting a little more to happen.

After Joe listens to his dad coughing from the garden, I thought he was gonna go inside and find his mum beaten to death because his dad thought she slipped the pips into his drink.

I wasn't completely satisfied with what did happen, seemed a bit of a stretch. But I did like the way you set up that George had chest problems in the first place. Makes it a lot more believable.

This was pretty good , if a little straight forward. There were some subtle details that I thought I picked up on, but I’m not sure if they work together. It did seem a little like Annie was guiding Joe with the pips, but if I’m not mistaken it wasn’t poison that killed George he pretty much just choked. So either Annie’s innocent or she doesn’t know better either.

One last little thing. On page 3 she says, “God, I really wish you were dead sometimes.” It’s only her and Joe in the room there, so I worry it would look like she was saying that to her son.

I did like the epilogue. Nice little touch.

Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
A “cute” semi-soft horror story.
No OTT sights, wife and child abuse more than adequately suggested. Strong message without being gruesome.
This is great for a Lifetime Channel audience horror short.