Just wondering: Was Dotty using the toilet while talking to Rita? She claws at toilet paper and "prods" her eyes. Am unfamiliar with prodding one's eye.

This pointless question aside, I don't have any big problems here. Small problems have been mentioned. It's a cut-and-dried telling, Point A to Point B.  I like Eric's take on it (above).

I agree about cutting out the microwave. Again, I like Eric's idea. Have the killer throw the dog some table scraps.

Happy Anniversary

I'm happy to disagree with some others here and say to you I enjoyed it.

I like pace changing flicks and never thought this character study script turns into a slasher. I was sure about the man coming back later but he was quite consequent(positive/interesting change of tone) in his actions I liked all of the main characters.

There's only one problem for me here; the title. Perhaps your target audience would turn off because they don't see and feel the genre. What I mean: They watch 5 minutes till you eventually enter into your genre completely (psychological mystery/slasher), which is a great twist itself. But then you have to foreshadow what you're treating by the title imo. Since most people don't look into genre descriptions you need the title to make them understand what they are looking, at least, if the tone is drastically changing as here. If you call it Happy Bloody Anniversary (for example) you communicate what I'm "really" looking in the end.

Otherwise. Well done. Cheers to this. Cool shit for me.


@(if you aim for festivals or such screenings this whole title-advice hasn't any worth of course because they won't be able to skip I most time relate to internet publishing where quick decisions are taken by the viewers)

Happy anniversary

No Logline - I should try that with the quality of mine !

There a lot going on in this one. It dragged at first but soon kept my attention. The anniversary element almost seemed a distraction. The main element was a minor incident in a car park escalates to a fatal killing after a party, a reversal of a sad day to a happy moment.

The kid at camp ? Didn't play a part in the story, really.

I would focus more on the core theme. Perhaps try and thread a theme of randomness

A fairly decent effort IMO. It was a little problematic since most of the ending was fairly predictable from the meeting in the parking lot forward other than the nuking of the dog - which I thought was a nice twist.  

Not sure how the random villain in the parking lot figured out where they lived. Needed some connection of plot points here (e.g., did he follow them home?)

I didn't get the "Daddy Cool" thing - perhaps not common to an American?

Why did you need the kid? – the only reference to him was early and nothing with him later on?

SPOILERS

I found the Anniversary Couple to be unlikeable which made the senselessness of their violent deaths seem all the more repulsive, as if I had failed to protect them, somehow -- made me feel more involved in the story.  I think an audience might react in a similar way and this could be an effectively memorable, disturbing film.  

I think the bit about microwaving the dog (perhaps that's the UL) is misplaced, the owners are already dead and whoever finds their bodies will already be horrified -- the murderer is, essentially, putting the injured puppy out of its misery.  That can't have been his intention, since his knife is still at the ready.  If it's the "bang" inside the microwave that is intended to remind us of the sound of the car door hitting the murderer's car then more emphasis needs to be made, perhaps have the murderer say "bang" in a soft, flat voice, after both instances.

Good job with this.

Unfortunately there are many problems here. The formatting has many issues, the writing is okay but needs work and the story...well...it's just sorta all over the place.

I think it's that you planted some things in your story and they never paid off. And/or they didn't move your story forward. It's like we watched 7 pages of a couple bickering about a forgotten anniversary and the result...on page 8 the husband is killed, the wife is killed and the dog nuked by a whack job they had a brief altercation with in a parking lot. It's not a complete story even. More like what Larry and Dotty did on the day they got killed.

I hate to be so negative. Just keep writing.

No logline – that’s never a good start.

“The curtains are drawn to a close.” This reads like the curtains are actually been closed now but I don’t think that’s the case. Isn’t it amazing how many stories start with sunlight shining through curtains, blinds or boarded up windows.
I think I start half my scripts this way as well – I’m going to try to stop doing this I think. It’s never a great way to start a script.

I think you could cut “sitting up” which adds a pesky orphan but it’s no biggie – just stood out to me.

Oh, Larry forgot their anniversary – this whole set-up with the breakfast reminds me of something – if he buys her a home alarm system then I’ve seen this before.

“KNOCK KOCK!” That’s a hell of a typo.

The deserted car park suddenly has a car – how long did Larry and Dotty stay for? That was one long meal, or maybe they stayed for a few more drinks than expected.

“The other man approaches.” How many men are there? A few niggles in the writing creeping in, but overall it’s lean and easy to follow.

“He gets in his car SLAMMING the door shut.” He’s incensed, yet he’s probably causing more damage to the car by his reaction.

“There’s an overwhelming sereneness radiating off their house. It’s unsettling and silent.” Yeah, okay… I’ll take your word for it.

“fumbles a bit but gets in eventually.” The first hurdle for our characters to overcome – it was a bit of a letdown – Dotty won the day a little easily for my tastes.

“Dotty feels around for a light switch.” How long have they lived there?

“SURPRISE!” Is this for us, or Dotty? Did anybody say this?

What a lovely story – it leaves me with a happy feeling that the old romantic can still pull off a trick or two. Too bad that this story has also been very boring and lacking in anything remotely interesting – this is obviously a personal thing so don’t take it to heart – this just isn’t my thing but maybe the ending can save the day.

Yeah, I know where this is heading…

Brutal ending for the pup for sure. Conflict is so important to stories and that’s what lacks here for me. It’s a sad end, but because we don’t really know the man, it falls flat for me.

Don’t despair though because others are going to like this – you created two likeable characters that meet a brutal death so it works in a way. Even the man’s motivations don’t need to be clear because there’s a message here that any little thing, or person that we counter can be this psycho waiting in the wings to stab us to death – that’s real life I guess.

Unfortunately, this isn’t for me due to lack of conflict – I kinda slept while reading through waiting for something to happen and then they suddenly got murdered and it ended. I just didn’t care by the time it happened, and that’s another thing that maybe went against it as well.

It wasn’t surprising in the least as you know there has to be a twist and it can only be one thing. Again, it’s hard to blame you on such a thing because the challenge perimeters didn’t help you just like it didn’t my own which I think lacks in the surprise department as well. Such a challenge where the stories are well known just makes it that little bit harder – it can be done of course but it’s tough when you only have a week to come up the concept and get it on the page. That’s the beauty of the OWC’s I guess.

Not for me this one, but I think it could do well as I believe others will take to this.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
FADE IN: is justified/flush left.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
First OWC, eh?  
Ah, you’ve got a fine dramatic story here all wrapped up in seriousness.
Story drags on a bit setting up the key pieces which all come together for the concluding scene. Learning how to jump right in there from the get go and taking the audience for a quality ride is a great skill to acquire. But honestly, there is a good audience for these slow burn stories as well.
Different strokes for different folks.

Writing style:
No red flags. It was a smooth read.

Dialogue:
Sounded like how real people talk. It was ok.

Character:
They felt a bit flat. They acted and reacted as predicted. There was nothing unique or interesting about them.

Story:
The twist didn't have much of an impact on me. I knew he will be back for them. But that scene didn't add any real value to the story. It was there for shock effect that's all. I hate that kinda scenes. And to know that it was the only interesting part in the whole story beside the party surprise, it killed the story for me.

There was no drama,  nor suspense. The interesting part happen so suddenly. The characters had no chance to react. It would have been more interesting if you spend most of the pages with them struggling to survive instead of spending it on the anniversary plot.

Overall:
You can write with a clear voice and with confidence. The story just didn't do it for me.