Hagridden by Henry Christner (writing as: Commodore Perry Ladeu) - Short, Drama - With his wedding day approaching, a man believes he has fallen in love with someone else -- his long-time tormentor. 10 pages - pdf, format

Like pheromones, there was something I liked about this script that I couldn't sense. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the plot of it, even after just reading it and double-checking the logline. It felt like something big was coming with the dying old woman and the Watergate investigation, but then it just ends. For some reason, though, I wasn't disappointed. This will be one that I forget within an hour, but one that I'll enjoy for that hour, even if I don't know why. I'll be honest in that I didn't recognize a specific urban legend in there, but perhaps someone will pick up and comment on it later.

C+.

As I go...

Oh boy, here we go again.  Page 1 mislabeled as Page 2.  I honestly don't understand how peeps can make this mistake.  What kind of writing software would even allow this?

Opening sentence is very poorly written.

"mouth breathing", "sputum" - Really?

"ELDERLY FEMALE VOICE" - makes zero sense.

WTF is supposed to be going on here?

So, the maid opens the door and neither Ronald or Old Hag notices...or care?

scrambled eggs and brains - Really?  Where in the world is this taking place?  Ah...on Page 3 (Page 4 on your script), we finally get a clue - we're on an island, somewhere in the Caribbean.

Hmmm...Watergate now?  This is quite strange, to say the least.  You seem to be wordly and know your history, but the cryptic writing style makes this very hard to follow.  I'll stay in, just because I want to know where this goes.

The end.

So, the Old Hag now lives with Edith?  WTF?  I must be missing something or this is just way over my head, which is very possible.

Not sure why you have 4 pages of white at the end, but my guess is that you ran out of time, which may be why everything is so cryptic and impossible to follow.

I'm sure you had quite the story here, but either ran out of time or it just didn't hit the page as you envisioned it in your head.  Seems like lots of thought went into this, but the finished version offers very little and is a chore to sift through.

The story is lost on me. I don't know what happened.

Was about to smite you on the page length but it seems like you, for some odd reason, extended it by adding extra paragraphs of blank space.

Anyway... Struggled with the writing, needs some work.

Sorry to say, but I don't think I understood anything here, except maybe that some old ugly hag was controlling an old man to marry her, and even then, I'm not sure if I'm getting it right. The dialogue isn't bad, in fact, it's got a nice voice to it, but it's hard to take in, thus making it feel dense and impossible to understand. Needs some work and the story just needs to be fleshed out a little for the audience.

SPOILERS

This is beautifully atmospheric writing, very likely this could be a haunting, appropriately  puzzling film.

Edith, spellbound by the broadcast Watergate Hearings, clings to Sam Ervin's "I'm just an old country lawyer" courage... she seems stunned, unable to admit how disturbed she is by the proceedings.

And William Kunstler shows up!  Likely to rip open collective memories of horrible past crime... as if they had ever healed over...

Ronald chooses the Hag with her recognizable ugliness and stink.  Is he brave?  He insists that he chooses, it seems important to him that others accept that his eyes are open.  

I look forward to a revision of this script.  Ronald is called Edward on page 5.

Hoping that the Chi-Lites' song in the background is "Oh Girl" -- great song.  Nah, it's got to be "Have You Seen Her?"

Wuuuuut?


I wanted to like this, I really did. It had an evocative tone, it seemed to be trying to do something interesting, but I had no idea who anyone was and what was happening, or the connection between events.


Would love to hear from the author and understand what the intention was.

Wow, I wish I knew the urban legend this is based on.  When I first started reading this, I didn't like it.  The descriptions were just a little too gross for me.  Sputtum.  Cillia?  Ew.

But, it grew on me.  I'm not 100% sure what happened in the end.  Did the hag decide to make BOTH Ronald and Edith her separate toys to manipulate?  So there's a vagueness there that I'd love to see cleared up.

But what I do really like in this is the subtle breezy dialogue.  It rings true, which is always impressive in a script.  Sparse, to the point.  That works.  

Hagridden

where on earth do folk get these names - commodore etc - funny if it was your real name, whoops…

lets see…

Mouth-breathing, rattle of sputum. - the what the hell does that mean?

Senior takes a big bite of goat stew. - how would i know that, and is it relevant?

finished

sorry, its late, i need some sleep, so may not have given this credit, but...i didn't understand this.

all the best

213? You know some shady business is going down in here.

Curse you for making me google sputum.

At page 7 and I’m looking for something to hold onto. It seems to be one of those plots that are almost entirely veiled in secrecy. Just one thing - one solid thru-line about Ronald would make the rest of the mystery easier to get through.

Do these guys believe in the hag or not? Do they think he’s leaving his wife for a phantom? I feel that would require an intervention and not just drinks at the bar. I’m having trouble with whatever reality is being established.

The End....

I’m completely lost. Scanned through the comments just to make sure it isn’t me. I’m guessing time caught up with you? I don’t what I would suggest. I never felt that connected to Ronald or his situation. Might be a good place to start.

I think I was following this right until the end. Is Edith's new boarder the hag?

Anyway I like, the idea that you could fall for a night hag was clever and woven into a subtle tale.

Good effort

Writing style:
Nothing wrong with it.

Dialogue:
Sounded real. Nothing on the nose nor too much exposition. But it stretched for far too long in most scenes.

Characters:
I related to Ronald in the first cards game scene. I appreciated how you used "contemplating his cards" to subtly address his hesitation about confronting Edith.

Story:
This story obvious has depth to it more than just the little "loving old hag" twist. I'm afraid it went over my head though. I'm the one to blame . There were a lot of talking-heads scenes. But maybe I wouldn't have objected if I knew where you wanted to go with this. But I would have appreciated more action than just talk.

Overall:
It's good effort. Well written. I just missed the meaning behind the story.

Good job and well done.

This brings to mind a refrain from "Ballad of a Thin Man":
"You know something is happening here/but you don't know what is/Do you, Mr. Jones."


If I am correct, I believe all the elements for understanding this tale are contained in the script. In competent hands, it would come across well on the screen.

Henry

Had to read this twice to get an idea of what was going on...and I'm still not sure.  Everyone in this tale has this obscure, roundabout way of speaking.  Apparently the UL is about a night hag, although that seems more like a monster fable than an urban legend, but maybe there is a specific UL here I'm just not aware of.  The dialogue moved the story at a languid pace, but there just wasn't much ground covered.  The Watergate stuff was another head scratching decision here.  I didn't even realize we were in the 70s.  Ultimately, there just didn't seem to be much meat on the bone here.  Nothing happened, except for these puzzling conversations.  

Urban Legend: Night Hag

An odd tale, nothing too bad. After giving it some thought this is one of the better scripts written so far in the OWC. I think the problem is that it may have gotten a bit too surreal, and the maid at the beginning wasn't really needed. It seems you had a longer script and had tightened it up a bit - as the only explanation with the extra blank pages (this is a nitpick that is quite disturbing from the SS peers. While the extra pages shouldn't be there it is still the end of the story. It does not effect the read one way or another, Now, if during the revision, you either forgot to delete a scene or line- or did a 'tag' afterthought? that's different)

Spelling - grammar looks fine. Characters alright.
But all that aside, I would have liked a little more with The Hag. She may be tormenting Ronald, but aside from the opening scenes, I didn't get a sense of the creepy. Probably look better filmed than it does on the page.