SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 8:10am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Hagridden - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Hagridden - OWC  (currently 4137 views)
Kip
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
New


At my signal, unleash Hellboy

Location
St Albans, England
Posts
74
Posts Per Day
0.02
I'm afraid I didn't get this one at all. I'll have to re-read it to see if I can get a grasp.

I'm not entirely sure of the purpose of the additional characters, or indeed who the old hag was.

I've just googled it and it seems to be related to sleep paralysis. Sorry if I'm missing it, but I am.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 31
mmmarnie
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
I think I get it. The old hag brought doubts about marrying Edith to Ronald. Then she brought them to Edith about Ronald?

The writing was a bit of a challenge to understand.  There were a couple parts I just didn't get. And most importantly, I really think this ran at least 2 pages too long. That being said, I actually enjoyed this story. I found the characters and atmosphere pretty interesting. But I think you attempted to get too atmospheric sometimes and some parts just ended up confusing. Cool story though. Not bad for one week. Worth cleaning up, IMO.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 31
CoopBazinga
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1175
Posts Per Day
0.26
Okay, I read the opening two pages twice – still no idea what that was all about? Something about the writing is annoying – others will love how lean it is but I find it lacking visually. Even when you were being visual, it went right over my head – maybe this is my fault as the reader.

Should the balcony be an exterior scene?

“We'll talk again at dinner.” I really hope we don’t waste another page and half on them talking at dinner. This story is so slow and I’m still not following…

“A taxi follows a blacktop eastward” That’s great – what’s a blacktop?

“Ronald and Edith play cards at a table.” Something’s about to happen, right? This isn’t going to another scene of two peeps talking.

goat stew, scrambled eggs and brains – I really hope that telling us the menu of the hotel is important.

“Mixed inflections from below.” You’ve lost me again.

“Gefilte fish” we’re back to the menu – was you reading cooking books the night you wrote this?

“A breeze from the north.” Huh? Unless there is a damn hurricane coming to wipe them out then who cares! I’m not following some of the writing at all.

“The wind brings odors now and then. I don't notice anymore.” But only if it’s from the north, right?

Wow, the last 4 pages were pretty good.

No idea what just happened.  This went straight over my head. I’ll leave this to other peeps that more intelligent than me to decipher what was going on here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 31
eldave1
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I really liked the writing here. I just didn't quite get the story. Seems that I was promised some Watergate related hook but I couldn't find it (was Ronald Ron Ziegler) - I'll give it another shot later.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 31
StevenHarvey
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 11:07am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Something just rankles with me here. I can't put my finger on it. Tried reading this one twice and stopped at page 3 both times.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 31
PrussianMosby
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hagridden

Okay. I had to reboot that story early and started again; you describe damn complicated what's happening. To sum it up without giving examples: Try to write from our perspective. We're not-knowing viewers of your presentation.

Edward?

Is there something going on with the smell of the hag? Did she seduce both with her scent, Ronald, and also Edith in the end?
So, Hektor and the Senior want to bring Ronald into line again?

With regards to all those long dialogues I got a feeling all those things work within subtext here...



Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 31
RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Honestly, I don’t care much at all for reading screenplays, but I dare say that I likely enjoyed reading this screenplay more than I would enjoy watching the film of it.
I enjoy the way you’ve written this.
I don’t believe the story is “entertaining”, while it is maturely written and thought out.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 31
Stumpzian
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 8:48am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18

I have revised this a bit (3-7-15).

WARNING. This is not horror. No one is eviscerated. No one is shot, stabbed, or eaten by dogs.

Thanks to all who made thoughtful comments despite your misgivings.

Jeff Bush: I corrected the upside-down periods that upset you.

Henry



Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 31
c m hall
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.08
SPOILERS

Good new version.  
Some notes...  

In the earlier version the Hag said to Ronald that she hurts everywhere and that it hurts to BE everywhere -- which made sense in terms of the "long national nightmare" but I prefer the dialogue as it is now, it hints at being a conversation between Ronald and himself.

Also, I like that in this version, when Ronald, Hektor and Senior discuss the sleep-hag, Senior claims the myth as Cruzan and Hektor adds Danish and Swedish and limits it there --  now it sounds more like they each are holding tight to the story as something that deep down, they know to be true.

I thought the line (in the earlier version) about Richard Nixon being caught "in that building" was very good because it was inaccurate and nobody cared -- so I missed that in the revision.

I like the new line about how she seduces his mind in sleep (great snaky "s" sounds).  

Also, that (now) Hektor refers to Kunstler's clients as "animals" seems appropriate (for Hektor the accused are neither guilty nor innocent, they're wild creatures).

Anyway, I think the changes generally make this read more smoothly without taking away the charm and the chills.  

Best wishes with this, it could be such a good film.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  March 7th, 2015, 10:07pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 31
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 3:20am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I re-read to give this one a fair chance and cannot remember reading it at all. I must have been tired when I attempted it last because this is really quite good. It's subtle... and I'm now in the frame of mind to appreciate it.

I interpret the bed hag as being his fears of commitment with Emily, personified.

I think with more work it could be a great film. It's easy for me to say that because stories always need more work. Investigate the areas where you can inject more irony. I'd really need to read it again and again myself to see where... so I suppose, in summation, you have a pretty solid story already. Nice job.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 24 - 31
Stumpzian
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Thank you, c m, for (1) reading the new version, and (2) making perceptive (and validating) comments.

I agree about Nixon "in that building." I think I'll restore it. Thanks for remembering the line!

Henry





Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 31
Stumpzian
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18

Quoted from DustinBowcot

I interpret the bed hag as being his fears of commitment with Emily, personified.


I like this interpretation a lot. Talk about first-rate feedback.

I very much appreciate you giving this another look. I'll take your advice and work on it some more.

Henry

P.S. Happy you know what.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 31
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 3:22am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Could you explain your thinking about this script to me, Henry?

I would appreciate it. I found this the most intriguing story I read in the OWC (other than my own, of course )...though I didn't get it.

In some ways, now the story is clearer, I get it even less.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 31
RayW
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Very interesting story.

Still enjoy reading it, your style I like.

How this would come across on screen... it would definitely have to both be shot, acted, and produced well as well as marketed to a very specific audience. General audience just won't get it or appreciate its infused subtlety, IMHO.

Good luck.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 31
Stumpzian
Posted: March 10th, 2015, 6:42am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Could you explain your thinking about this script to me, Henry?

I would appreciate it. I found this the most intriguing story I read in the OWC (other than my own, of course )...though I didn't get it.

In some ways, now the story is clearer, I get it even less.


Rick -- Any  particular aspect you'd like me to address?

The ending:
The  implication is that the Hag, uncertain of Ronald's willingness to settle down with her, has "seduced" Edith instead. In fact,  the hag might have been there the day before when Ronald arrived to find Edith "dozing" while listening to the Watergate hearings on the radio.

Thanks for your comments.

Henry




Revision History (1 edits)
Stumpzian  -  March 10th, 2015, 11:35am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 31
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006