Hagridden by Henry Christner (writing as: Commodore Perry Ladeu) - Short, Drama - With his wedding day approaching, a man believes he has fallen in love with someone else -- his long-time tormentor. 10 pages - pdf, format

Like pheromones, there was something I liked about this script that I couldn't sense. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the plot of it, even after just reading it and double-checking the logline. It felt like something big was coming with the dying old woman and the Watergate investigation, but then it just ends. For some reason, though, I wasn't disappointed. This will be one that I forget within an hour, but one that I'll enjoy for that hour, even if I don't know why. I'll be honest in that I didn't recognize a specific urban legend in there, but perhaps someone will pick up and comment on it later.

C+.

As I go...

Oh boy, here we go again.  Page 1 mislabeled as Page 2.  I honestly don't understand how peeps can make this mistake.  What kind of writing software would even allow this?

Opening sentence is very poorly written.

"mouth breathing", "sputum" - Really?

"ELDERLY FEMALE VOICE" - makes zero sense.

WTF is supposed to be going on here?

So, the maid opens the door and neither Ronald or Old Hag notices...or care?

scrambled eggs and brains - Really?  Where in the world is this taking place?  Ah...on Page 3 (Page 4 on your script), we finally get a clue - we're on an island, somewhere in the Caribbean.

Hmmm...Watergate now?  This is quite strange, to say the least.  You seem to be wordly and know your history, but the cryptic writing style makes this very hard to follow.  I'll stay in, just because I want to know where this goes.

The end.

So, the Old Hag now lives with Edith?  WTF?  I must be missing something or this is just way over my head, which is very possible.

Not sure why you have 4 pages of white at the end, but my guess is that you ran out of time, which may be why everything is so cryptic and impossible to follow.

I'm sure you had quite the story here, but either ran out of time or it just didn't hit the page as you envisioned it in your head.  Seems like lots of thought went into this, but the finished version offers very little and is a chore to sift through.

The story is lost on me. I don't know what happened.

Was about to smite you on the page length but it seems like you, for some odd reason, extended it by adding extra paragraphs of blank space.

Anyway... Struggled with the writing, needs some work.

Sorry to say, but I don't think I understood anything here, except maybe that some old ugly hag was controlling an old man to marry her, and even then, I'm not sure if I'm getting it right. The dialogue isn't bad, in fact, it's got a nice voice to it, but it's hard to take in, thus making it feel dense and impossible to understand. Needs some work and the story just needs to be fleshed out a little for the audience.

SPOILERS

This is beautifully atmospheric writing, very likely this could be a haunting, appropriately  puzzling film.

Edith, spellbound by the broadcast Watergate Hearings, clings to Sam Ervin's "I'm just an old country lawyer" courage... she seems stunned, unable to admit how disturbed she is by the proceedings.

And William Kunstler shows up!  Likely to rip open collective memories of horrible past crime... as if they had ever healed over...

Ronald chooses the Hag with her recognizable ugliness and stink.  Is he brave?  He insists that he chooses, it seems important to him that others accept that his eyes are open.  

I look forward to a revision of this script.  Ronald is called Edward on page 5.

Hoping that the Chi-Lites' song in the background is "Oh Girl" -- great song.  Nah, it's got to be "Have You Seen Her?"

Wuuuuut?


I wanted to like this, I really did. It had an evocative tone, it seemed to be trying to do something interesting, but I had no idea who anyone was and what was happening, or the connection between events.


Would love to hear from the author and understand what the intention was.

Wow, I wish I knew the urban legend this is based on.  When I first started reading this, I didn't like it.  The descriptions were just a little too gross for me.  Sputtum.  Cillia?  Ew.

But, it grew on me.  I'm not 100% sure what happened in the end.  Did the hag decide to make BOTH Ronald and Edith her separate toys to manipulate?  So there's a vagueness there that I'd love to see cleared up.

But what I do really like in this is the subtle breezy dialogue.  It rings true, which is always impressive in a script.  Sparse, to the point.  That works.  

Hagridden

where on earth do folk get these names - commodore etc - funny if it was your real name, whoops…

lets see…

Mouth-breathing, rattle of sputum. - the what the hell does that mean?

Senior takes a big bite of goat stew. - how would i know that, and is it relevant?

finished

sorry, its late, i need some sleep, so may not have given this credit, but...i didn't understand this.

all the best

213? You know some shady business is going down in here.

Curse you for making me google sputum.

At page 7 and I’m looking for something to hold onto. It seems to be one of those plots that are almost entirely veiled in secrecy. Just one thing - one solid thru-line about Ronald would make the rest of the mystery easier to get through.

Do these guys believe in the hag or not? Do they think he’s leaving his wife for a phantom? I feel that would require an intervention and not just drinks at the bar. I’m having trouble with whatever reality is being established.

The End....

I’m completely lost. Scanned through the comments just to make sure it isn’t me. I’m guessing time caught up with you? I don’t what I would suggest. I never felt that connected to Ronald or his situation. Might be a good place to start.

I think I was following this right until the end. Is Edith's new boarder the hag?

Anyway I like, the idea that you could fall for a night hag was clever and woven into a subtle tale.

Good effort

Writing style:
Nothing wrong with it.

Dialogue:
Sounded real. Nothing on the nose nor too much exposition. But it stretched for far too long in most scenes.

Characters:
I related to Ronald in the first cards game scene. I appreciated how you used "contemplating his cards" to subtly address his hesitation about confronting Edith.

Story:
This story obvious has depth to it more than just the little "loving old hag" twist. I'm afraid it went over my head though. I'm the one to blame . There were a lot of talking-heads scenes. But maybe I wouldn't have objected if I knew where you wanted to go with this. But I would have appreciated more action than just talk.

Overall:
It's good effort. Well written. I just missed the meaning behind the story.

Good job and well done.

This brings to mind a refrain from "Ballad of a Thin Man":
"You know something is happening here/but you don't know what is/Do you, Mr. Jones."


If I am correct, I believe all the elements for understanding this tale are contained in the script. In competent hands, it would come across well on the screen.

Henry

Had to read this twice to get an idea of what was going on...and I'm still not sure.  Everyone in this tale has this obscure, roundabout way of speaking.  Apparently the UL is about a night hag, although that seems more like a monster fable than an urban legend, but maybe there is a specific UL here I'm just not aware of.  The dialogue moved the story at a languid pace, but there just wasn't much ground covered.  The Watergate stuff was another head scratching decision here.  I didn't even realize we were in the 70s.  Ultimately, there just didn't seem to be much meat on the bone here.  Nothing happened, except for these puzzling conversations.  

Urban Legend: Night Hag

An odd tale, nothing too bad. After giving it some thought this is one of the better scripts written so far in the OWC. I think the problem is that it may have gotten a bit too surreal, and the maid at the beginning wasn't really needed. It seems you had a longer script and had tightened it up a bit - as the only explanation with the extra blank pages (this is a nitpick that is quite disturbing from the SS peers. While the extra pages shouldn't be there it is still the end of the story. It does not effect the read one way or another, Now, if during the revision, you either forgot to delete a scene or line- or did a 'tag' afterthought? that's different)

Spelling - grammar looks fine. Characters alright.
But all that aside, I would have liked a little more with The Hag. She may be tormenting Ronald, but aside from the opening scenes, I didn't get a sense of the creepy. Probably look better filmed than it does on the page.

I'm afraid I didn't get this one at all. I'll have to re-read it to see if I can get a grasp.

I'm not entirely sure of the purpose of the additional characters, or indeed who the old hag was.

I've just googled it and it seems to be related to sleep paralysis. Sorry if I'm missing it, but I am.

I think I get it. The old hag brought doubts about marrying Edith to Ronald. Then she brought them to Edith about Ronald?

The writing was a bit of a challenge to understand.  There were a couple parts I just didn't get. And most importantly, I really think this ran at least 2 pages too long. That being said, I actually enjoyed this story. I found the characters and atmosphere pretty interesting. But I think you attempted to get too atmospheric sometimes and some parts just ended up confusing. Cool story though. Not bad for one week. Worth cleaning up, IMO.

Okay, I read the opening two pages twice – still no idea what that was all about? Something about the writing is annoying – others will love how lean it is but I find it lacking visually. Even when you were being visual, it went right over my head – maybe this is my fault as the reader.

Should the balcony be an exterior scene?

“We'll talk again at dinner.” I really hope we don’t waste another page and half on them talking at dinner. This story is so slow and I’m still not following…

“A taxi follows a blacktop eastward” That’s great – what’s a blacktop?

“Ronald and Edith play cards at a table.” Something’s about to happen, right? This isn’t going to another scene of two peeps talking.

goat stew, scrambled eggs and brains – I really hope that telling us the menu of the hotel is important.

“Mixed inflections from below.” You’ve lost me again.

“Gefilte fish” we’re back to the menu – was you reading cooking books the night you wrote this?

“A breeze from the north.” Huh? Unless there is a damn hurricane coming to wipe them out then who cares! I’m not following some of the writing at all.

“The wind brings odors now and then. I don't notice anymore.” But only if it’s from the north, right?

Wow, the last 4 pages were pretty good.

No idea what just happened.  This went straight over my head. I’ll leave this to other peeps that more intelligent than me to decipher what was going on here.

I really liked the writing here. I just didn't quite get the story. Seems that I was promised some Watergate related hook but I couldn't find it (was Ronald Ron Ziegler) - I'll give it another shot later.

Something just rankles with me here. I can't put my finger on it. Tried reading this one twice and stopped at page 3 both times.

Hagridden

Okay. I had to reboot that story early and started again; you describe damn complicated what's happening. To sum it up without giving examples: Try to write from our perspective. We're not-knowing viewers of your presentation.

Edward?

Is there something going on with the smell of the hag? Did she seduce both with her scent, Ronald, and also Edith in the end?
So, Hektor and the Senior want to bring Ronald into line again?

With regards to all those long dialogues I got a feeling all those things work within subtext here...

Honestly, I don’t care much at all for reading screenplays, but I dare say that I likely enjoyed reading this screenplay more than I would enjoy watching the film of it.
I enjoy the way you’ve written this.
I don’t believe the story is “entertaining”, while it is maturely written and thought out.

I have revised this a bit (3-7-15).

WARNING. This is not horror. No one is eviscerated. No one is shot, stabbed, or eaten by dogs.

Thanks to all who made thoughtful comments despite your misgivings.

Jeff Bush: I corrected the upside-down periods that upset you.

Henry

SPOILERS

Good new version.  
Some notes...  

In the earlier version the Hag said to Ronald that she hurts everywhere and that it hurts to BE everywhere -- which made sense in terms of the "long national nightmare" but I prefer the dialogue as it is now, it hints at being a conversation between Ronald and himself.

Also, I like that in this version, when Ronald, Hektor and Senior discuss the sleep-hag, Senior claims the myth as Cruzan and Hektor adds Danish and Swedish and limits it there --  now it sounds more like they each are holding tight to the story as something that deep down, they know to be true.

I thought the line (in the earlier version) about Richard Nixon being caught "in that building" was very good because it was inaccurate and nobody cared -- so I missed that in the revision.

I like the new line about how she seduces his mind in sleep (great snaky "s" sounds).  

Also, that (now) Hektor refers to Kunstler's clients as "animals" seems appropriate (for Hektor the accused are neither guilty nor innocent, they're wild creatures).

Anyway, I think the changes generally make this read more smoothly without taking away the charm and the chills.  

Best wishes with this, it could be such a good film.

I re-read to give this one a fair chance and cannot remember reading it at all. I must have been tired when I attempted it last because this is really quite good. It's subtle... and I'm now in the frame of mind to appreciate it.

I interpret the bed hag as being his fears of commitment with Emily, personified.

I think with more work it could be a great film. It's easy for me to say that because stories always need more work. Investigate the areas where you can inject more irony. I'd really need to read it again and again myself to see where... so I suppose, in summation, you have a pretty solid story already. Nice job.

Thank you, c m, for (1) reading the new version, and (2) making perceptive (and validating) comments.

I agree about Nixon "in that building." I think I'll restore it. Thanks for remembering the line!

Henry

Quoted from DustinBowcot I interpret the bed hag as being his fears of commitment with Emily, personified.

I like this interpretation a lot. Talk about first-rate feedback.

I very much appreciate you giving this another look. I'll take your advice and work on it some more.

Henry

P.S. Happy you know what.

Could you explain your thinking about this script to me, Henry?

I would appreciate it. I found this the most intriguing story I read in the OWC (other than my own, of course )...though I didn't get it.

In some ways, now the story is clearer, I get it even less.

Very interesting story.

Still enjoy reading it, your style I like.

How this would come across on screen... it would definitely have to both be shot, acted, and produced well as well as marketed to a very specific audience. General audience just won't get it or appreciate its infused subtlety, IMHO.

Good luck.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Could you explain your thinking about this script to me, Henry? I would appreciate it. I found this the most intriguing story I read in the OWC (other than my own, of course )...though I didn't get it. In some ways, now the story is clearer, I get it even less.

Rick -- Any  particular aspect you'd like me to address?

The ending:
The  implication is that the Hag, uncertain of Ronald's willingness to settle down with her, has "seduced" Edith instead. In fact,  the hag might have been there the day before when Ronald arrived to find Edith "dozing" while listening to the Watergate hearings on the radio.

Thanks for your comments.

Henry

Hi Henry,

I suppose I was interested in "What you were trying to say".

I can follow the plot. It's more the theme/meaning I was wondering about. Dustin's interpretation about subconscious fears is interesting, but kind of undermined by the suggestion the Hag is targetting the woman as well.

I also couldn't work out the connection between this story line and the Watergate affair.

Rick.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Hi Henry, I suppose I was interested in "What you were trying to say". I can follow the plot. It's more the theme/meaning I was wondering about. Dustin's interpretation about subconscious fears is interesting, but kind of undermined by the suggestion the Hag is targetting the woman as well. I also couldn't work out the connection between this story line and the Watergate affair. Rick.

Rick,

It's just a little story.  I didn't set out to invest it with meaning or theme.

I did add certain details to create a  psychological atmosphere  in a particular place (an island) at a specific time (June 1973).

Everybody was listening or watching the hearings then. When Ronald shows up at Edith's house, she is otherwise occupied in the bedroom. Listening to the hearings, she says. Or was there something else going on, too?

In a now-deleted line, Senior refers to "Richard Nixon caught in that building." It's clearly not true, but this is how (urban)  legends are born. Senior's comment comes right after Hektor's recounting of another urban legend -- John Dillinger's body part (supposedly preserved in a medical museum in Washington D.C.), which also is not true.

As for Dustin's interpretation, I can see why you think it's undermined when the Hag ends up with Edith. But keep in mind that Edith has the same fear of commitment as Ronald.

Thanks for asking.

Henry