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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Doctor Shopping - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Doctor Shopping - OWC  (currently 3664 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Doctor Shopping by Richard Matheson - Short, Urban Fantasy - After getting caught doctor shopping, a hypochondriac finds someone willing to prescribe him everything he needs. - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor shopping

is this another with a real name or just a made up one - welcome Richard, or should i call you..oh i can't

logline - like the concept

SPOLIERS

agrippa@faustus.com.net.tv.org - oh come on. this has PISSER written all over it, BUT i could be wrong…


lets see Mr faustus…

You.....absolute....cunt! - brit or aussie writer, ill guess


SARAH
          ......................
               (a doubtful look at Howard)
          ...............oh, right.

what the hell is that?

"DR. DEATH -- TREATING ILLS,
SINCE FOREVER. WE DON’T TURN ANYONE AWAY...NEVER!" -    bit obvious isn't it, even for faustus

Howard reads through...........................…..   i hate it when i have to read through dots, so boring

where was his fun after the contract


Look - i think there is a good idea  in here. A modern tale of what would you do to feel no pain. The hypochondriac reaction to pain solution. The wanting is not for pleasure, but for relief.

Do we sympathise, or not.

But, you need to even out the story, give it more  balance of the beginning, middle and end. It seems off balance.

There is no gain to the pact, no pay off to pay for.

Got potential.




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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This one's actually not too bad, stumbled with the writing at the start but it's a solid effort. I'm not sure if I can recommend anything, the story felt a little distant -- nothing that the audience can really connect to, nothing that the protag can connect to either. Not much to say here in the end.
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EWall433
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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“Behind the counter, ELVIRA” The Elvira?

This was rather good I thought. I nice riff on the boy who cried wolf theme. Things like “669” and Mr. Death seemed on the nose to me. I’d have preferred more subtlety, but I could also see it in a semi-cheesy Tales from the Crypt type vain. I was confused on Howard’s condition. The logline says hypochondriac, but everything in the script seemed more like painkiller addiction. If a doctor is aware that his patient is a hypochondriac, he’s likely to just prescribe him placebos and keep him in the dark. A painkiller addiction you can’t fake out, though.

The final beat at Death’s door doesn’t really work and I think the end may need a general rethink. The problem I have is with him escaping the apartment after the fire. Firemen would still respond to the call and as soon as they saw his horrible wound he’d be rushed to the hospital. There’s no reason for him to run to Death’s door. And although I enjoy the karma of doctors turning him away, 911 isn’t allowed to turn you down. I think it’s appropriate to have him perish in the fire unable to move. I wish you could hold onto the boy who cried wolf thing and have it make sense though. Maybe…

He really is a hypochondriac, realizes it and the deal he makes with Death is to get rid of his hypochondria. Death does this by giving him real, acute, debilitating pain. Since no doctor will treat him, he now has to get his painkiller from Death, which leads to the fire ending. It’s a longer story, but it’s hard for me to fit those two elements together in a way that makes complete sense.
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LC
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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I really like the first two acts - you did well with ramping up the suspense and with Howard's character. Howard would be great to watch on screen too because he's such a pitiful sap. Unfortunately the final act just fell a little flat for me. I didn't understand how he got set alight either - head/hair in oven I suppose, but was the oven even on? For what? He's only having coffee. There appeared to be no link. Perhaps I missed something.

On a technical note your: ............................................................................... is a bit heavy going. There's a better way to do this.

Death's door being closed I found pretty amusing and rather ironic.

I have no idea what urban legend this comes from. ?

I actually think there's quite a lot to work with here so I'll look forward to reading another draft. I hope you decide to do more with it.


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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Richard Matheson...  Ha!  

I like ALOT of this one.  Some of the best writing in this OWC thus far.  At least in the top five. And the vast majority of this I really enjoyed (though not at all sure what urban legend this springs from.) Great dark comedy going in this one. I especially love that 669 bit....

The part I didn't care for was the conclusion.  Basically, anything after Howard signed the contract.  It just felt too pat.  I was expecting something more to happen; a sharper twist.  But you've got a really good one going here... it just needs a nastier more ironic ending!!
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khamanna
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it - it's a complete story, well written. THe dialog rings true.
It's a comedy - I wonder why you didn't list comedy as a genre. It's really funny at places.

And it gets a bit farcical for me when I reached Dr. Death. Just rename him - otherwise it really changes the tone there in the middle and you don't want that.

Then Howard signs the contract. I wonder if it can be something else - otherwise he shouldn't feel the pain induced by the fire, or when he cuts himself. Or maybe he doesn't? Why then he should be worried?

I didn't underdstand Dr. Death when he said "then you're all mine" I think he should be after his soul and looks like he is - he told him he got his soul. But looks like it's not about the soul at all since it's about loss of feelings in his body. Like his nervous system went poof... But if it had something to do with Howard's soul - that would be far more interesting in my opinion.

The last part is straight out horror. I wish it was funny to keep in tone with the rest of it. And I really insist that you change Dr. Death's name.

It's actually a very captivating read and a good story. I really liked this.
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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A good effort here. Although I like the beginning much more than the ending.

Liked the premise, but would have been more rewarding for me if the realization of no longer feeling anything was built up a little more subtlety. (e.g., he's so happy - even whistling while shaves - pricks himself with the razor - and hmmm - no pain?

I don't think you needed Dr. Death in the TV at all in the last scene. Watching Howard go through a slow delicious realization of the deal he signed would be a better use of the finality, IMO.

Not a fan of  Dr. Death character name. To in your face for me.

Overall good effort. A few nits:


Quoted Text
the medication your pour down your throat.


typo


Quoted Text
Sarah shakes her head.


Does she shake it yes or no?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Does she shake it yes or no?

FYI Dave, it is generally understood a 'shake' is a no, and a nod is a yes.
And a nod is as good as a wink.  



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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

FYI Dave, it is generally understood a 'shake' is a no, and a nod is a yes.
And a nod is as good as a wink.  



I didn't know that. Thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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I can't really comment on the story. It wouldn't be right as everyone else has gone out of their way to put a fresh spin on a pre-existing urban legend whereas this one doesn't exist.

If I'd have known we could cheat I'd have entered one myself.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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So, we've had a Rod Serling in this OWC, now a Richard Matheson, who wrote many great episodes for "The Twilight Zone."

This script reads like one of those. In fact, I'm not sure this ISN'T one. Seems very familiar. Maybe the one poor Howard was watching on TV?



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mmmarnie
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting idea. Again, like most of the others, I have no idea what the urban legend is. The story def had a Twilight Zone feel.

I thought the actual doc shopping part went on a bit too long. We got the idea pretty early on so IMO that can be trimmed a bit.

I liked the 669 address. The scene with satan was good too. But then I got confused. Satan said Howard could live out his "natural" life without pain. But I guess the pill he took caused his body to ... explode? ...so that didn't seem like a natural death to me. On the TV the character said "you tricked me". But I didn't see how Satan "tricked" Howard. Just seemed like he lied. Unless I totally missed something which is very possible.

I enjoyed this though. Your writing is very easy to read. Good job on this OWC.


boop
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't really an urban legend... but it's a familiar tale with Satan/Death granting your wish in exchange for your soul, via the old contract routine.

But there are some nice touches, visual flair and funny sequences,

So I liked it, despite familiarity,


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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Abe from LA
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Too much time was spent telling us how no doctor would treat Howard.
Maybe show Howard's intense suffering at home. Would he contemplate suicide?
Get to Dr. Death quicker. I agree, change the name. Maybe scramble the letters.

Once Howard makes the pact, let him enjoy the benefits of being pain-free.
Let him think he's found his miracle.
Then let his world fall apart, piece by piece. Yessiree, this does have TZ written all over it.
Not so bad, though. Like other OWC scripts, this one needs a bit of an overhaul.
Thanks for participating.
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