Doctor Shopping by Richard Matheson - Short, Urban Fantasy - After getting caught doctor shopping, a hypochondriac finds someone willing to prescribe him everything he needs. - pdf, format

Doctor shopping

is this another with a real name or just a made up one - welcome Richard, or should i call you..oh i can't

logline - like the concept

SPOLIERS

agrippa@faustus.com.net.tv.org - oh come on. this has PISSER written all over it, BUT i could be wrong…


lets see Mr faustus…

You.....absolute....cunt! - brit or aussie writer, ill guess


SARAH
          ......................
               (a doubtful look at Howard)
          ...............oh, right.

what the hell is that?

"DR. DEATH -- TREATING ILLS,
SINCE FOREVER. WE DON’T TURN ANYONE AWAY...NEVER!" -    bit obvious isn't it, even for faustus

Howard reads through...........................…..   i hate it when i have to read through dots, so boring

where was his fun after the contract


Look - i think there is a good idea  in here. A modern tale of what would you do to feel no pain. The hypochondriac reaction to pain solution. The wanting is not for pleasure, but for relief.

Do we sympathise, or not.

But, you need to even out the story, give it more  balance of the beginning, middle and end. It seems off balance.

There is no gain to the pact, no pay off to pay for.

Got potential.

This one's actually not too bad, stumbled with the writing at the start but it's a solid effort. I'm not sure if I can recommend anything, the story felt a little distant -- nothing that the audience can really connect to, nothing that the protag can connect to either. Not much to say here in the end.

“Behind the counter, ELVIRA” The Elvira?

This was rather good I thought. I nice riff on the boy who cried wolf theme. Things like “669” and Mr. Death seemed on the nose to me. I’d have preferred more subtlety, but I could also see it in a semi-cheesy Tales from the Crypt type vain. I was confused on Howard’s condition. The logline says hypochondriac, but everything in the script seemed more like painkiller addiction. If a doctor is aware that his patient is a hypochondriac, he’s likely to just prescribe him placebos and keep him in the dark. A painkiller addiction you can’t fake out, though.

The final beat at Death’s door doesn’t really work and I think the end may need a general rethink. The problem I have is with him escaping the apartment after the fire. Firemen would still respond to the call and as soon as they saw his horrible wound he’d be rushed to the hospital. There’s no reason for him to run to Death’s door. And although I enjoy the karma of doctors turning him away, 911 isn’t allowed to turn you down. I think it’s appropriate to have him perish in the fire unable to move. I wish you could hold onto the boy who cried wolf thing and have it make sense though. Maybe…

He really is a hypochondriac, realizes it and the deal he makes with Death is to get rid of his hypochondria. Death does this by giving him real, acute, debilitating pain. Since no doctor will treat him, he now has to get his painkiller from Death, which leads to the fire ending. It’s a longer story, but it’s hard for me to fit those two elements together in a way that makes complete sense.

I really like the first two acts - you did well with ramping up the suspense and with Howard's character. Howard would be great to watch on screen too because he's such a pitiful sap. Unfortunately the final act just fell a little flat for me. I didn't understand how he got set alight either - head/hair in oven I suppose, but was the oven even on? For what? He's only having coffee. There appeared to be no link. Perhaps I missed something.

On a technical note your: ............................................................................... is a bit heavy going. There's a better way to do this.

Death's door being closed I found pretty amusing and rather ironic.

I have no idea what urban legend this comes from. ?

I actually think there's quite a lot to work with here so I'll look forward to reading another draft. I hope you decide to do more with it.

Richard Matheson...  Ha!  

I like ALOT of this one.  Some of the best writing in this OWC thus far.  At least in the top five. And the vast majority of this I really enjoyed (though not at all sure what urban legend this springs from.) Great dark comedy going in this one. I especially love that 669 bit....

The part I didn't care for was the conclusion.  Basically, anything after Howard signed the contract.  It just felt too pat.  I was expecting something more to happen; a sharper twist.  But you've got a really good one going here... it just needs a nastier more ironic ending!!

I liked it - it's a complete story, well written. THe dialog rings true.
It's a comedy - I wonder why you didn't list comedy as a genre. It's really funny at places.

And it gets a bit farcical for me when I reached Dr. Death. Just rename him - otherwise it really changes the tone there in the middle and you don't want that.

Then Howard signs the contract. I wonder if it can be something else - otherwise he shouldn't feel the pain induced by the fire, or when he cuts himself. Or maybe he doesn't? Why then he should be worried?

I didn't underdstand Dr. Death when he said "then you're all mine" I think he should be after his soul and looks like he is - he told him he got his soul. But looks like it's not about the soul at all since it's about loss of feelings in his body. Like his nervous system went poof... But if it had something to do with Howard's soul - that would be far more interesting in my opinion.

The last part is straight out horror. I wish it was funny to keep in tone with the rest of it. And I really insist that you change Dr. Death's name.

It's actually a very captivating read and a good story. I really liked this.

A good effort here. Although I like the beginning much more than the ending.

Liked the premise, but would have been more rewarding for me if the realization of no longer feeling anything was built up a little more subtlety. (e.g., he's so happy - even whistling while shaves - pricks himself with the razor - and hmmm - no pain?

I don't think you needed Dr. Death in the TV at all in the last scene. Watching Howard go through a slow delicious realization of the deal he signed would be a better use of the finality, IMO.

Not a fan of  Dr. Death character name. To in your face for me.

Overall good effort. A few nits:

Quoted Text the medication your pour down your throat.

typo

Quoted Text Sarah shakes her head.

Does she shake it yes or no?

Quoted from eldave1 Does she shake it yes or no?

FYI Dave, it is generally understood a 'shake' is a no, and a nod is a yes.
And a nod is as good as a wink.  

Quoted from LC FYI Dave, it is generally understood a 'shake' is a no, and a nod is a yes. And a nod is as good as a wink.

I didn't know that. Thanks

I can't really comment on the story. It wouldn't be right as everyone else has gone out of their way to put a fresh spin on a pre-existing urban legend whereas this one doesn't exist.

If I'd have known we could cheat I'd have entered one myself.

So, we've had a Rod Serling in this OWC, now a Richard Matheson, who wrote many great episodes for "The Twilight Zone."

This script reads like one of those. In fact, I'm not sure this ISN'T one. Seems very familiar. Maybe the one poor Howard was watching on TV?

This was an interesting idea. Again, like most of the others, I have no idea what the urban legend is. The story def had a Twilight Zone feel.

I thought the actual doc shopping part went on a bit too long. We got the idea pretty early on so IMO that can be trimmed a bit.

I liked the 669 address. The scene with satan was good too. But then I got confused. Satan said Howard could live out his "natural" life without pain. But I guess the pill he took caused his body to ... explode? ...so that didn't seem like a natural death to me. On the TV the character said "you tricked me". But I didn't see how Satan "tricked" Howard. Just seemed like he lied. Unless I totally missed something which is very possible.

I enjoyed this though. Your writing is very easy to read. Good job on this OWC.

This isn't really an urban legend... but it's a familiar tale with Satan/Death granting your wish in exchange for your soul, via the old contract routine.

But there are some nice touches, visual flair and funny sequences,

So I liked it, despite familiarity,

Too much time was spent telling us how no doctor would treat Howard.
Maybe show Howard's intense suffering at home. Would he contemplate suicide?
Get to Dr. Death quicker. I agree, change the name. Maybe scramble the letters.

Once Howard makes the pact, let him enjoy the benefits of being pain-free.
Let him think he's found his miracle.
Then let his world fall apart, piece by piece. Yessiree, this does have TZ written all over it.
Not so bad, though. Like other OWC scripts, this one needs a bit of an overhaul.
Thanks for participating.

There were a couple little typos, but I enjoyed the read.
Nothing to add, no suggestions, just a solid piece of work.
Cindy

Doctor Shopping

"tall back, leather, swivel chair"

why so complicated? Don't lose yourself in such things. You use far too many adjectives in many descriptions.

Another example of bad decription is:

"With ever-increasing pain fighting against his every
movement, Howard manages to take a seat."

Choose words that describe visually.
How? How does he manage to take a seat? How does it shows that his ever-increasing pain fights his every movement?

Otherwise I think I like it. The hypochondriac theme intrigues me somehow.

I liked that it went quicker and better from p7 to the end. Good balanced of you to acclerate in third act. Too often this part lacks and falls off. Not here.

If I understood it right he died in the kitchen and this whole surreal burning-thing happened while he's passing over. Sold his soul I guess.

I enjoyed it, especially from the moment we met Dr Death. Well done

You need periods after "Dr" and "Mr" - for some reason you skip them every time.

Sentences just don't read well, as they're all overwritten with way too many adjectives being employed.  You can just look at Page 1 and see how dense it is.

This opening scene runs to Page 4?  Really?  Too long...way too long.

I don't see any story here.  I don't see any UL here.  I'm out.

I quite liked this, although the ending left me a little flat.

The writing seemed ok to me, with a few typo's here and there, but nowt major. A very good friend of mine suffers very badly from health anxiety (I think this is the correct term for hypochondria these days?), so the dialogue between the Doctor and Howard would be exactly how I would imagine it to be.

A good little story.

Quoted from Dreamscale You need periods after "Dr" and "Mr" - for some reason you skip them every time.

Not when you're from the UK you don't. It is an aesthetic choice as both are grammatically correct.

The logline says hypochondriac, which Howard is not. IF Howard was a hypochondriac then I saw this starting out differently and Howard is not who I imagined. I imagined a healthy guy fearful of every little thing that goes on in his life, kind of like me. Overweight, shaggy beard, and coughing, looks unhealthy so I expect unhealthy. Turns out this is not about Howard being a hupchondriac but Howard being a drug addict and Dr. Williams states as much.

Ok, so I was misled by the logline.

What about it's merits?

I would have left out all references to doctor shopping...to me...that is on the nose...let me understand what is going on without that being said...for instance in the second Dr. office the receptionist says this. However Dr. Williams already said it so we know Howard is doing so. Leaving it unsaid in the second office is better, simply saying the Dr. won't see you and done.

We end up with Dr. Death and what happens to Howard.

He feels no pain as his body comes apart after mishaps.

How can Howard, with his spine paritally exposed, live?

Not for me.

This is an entertaining script, but the writing is better than the story, IMHO.  On film we will see that Howard is a pathetic addict and it won't be funny.  In the script, the writer's skill gives us enough distance from Howard to be quietly amused.  Happy ending though, the writer is so graced with talent that a revised version of this script will be presented in due time.  So say I.

I enjoyed the build up to this but wasn't completely satisfied with where it ended up.  The scenes with Howard meeting different doctors seemed to drag a little but they did set up his character and goal nicely.

I was intrigued by the mention of Dr Death, but when we finally met him he didn't live up to my expectations. The rest was ok. I would've liked to see Howard having a little more fun after he took the pill. Not a bad effort, but nothing too memorable.  

Competently written and constructed Twilight Zone-ish story.
The set up’s a little draggy before getting to the much more interesting but all too brief Dr Death scenes.
The ironic death of Howard could be better constructed as to why and how it was surely going to end that way, as is its convolutions seem rather random while nonetheless entertaining.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
I liked it a lot. Especially his conversation with the first Doctor. Even that it was exposition, but it didn't bore me. It was well done. I wished his talk with Dr. Death was more enjoyable. I would loved to have death throws in some witty lines.

Character:
They felt very real. Howard addiction gave him depth. I really related to him. Even when he badmouthed the doctor and the nurse, it was natural. The Doctor also felt real. Well done. You, sir/ma'am, can bring characters to life.

Story:
It was intriguing. I was hooked how this tale of addiction and Doctor shopping will end. I wouldn't say the ending disappointed me, I wouldn't say it satisfied me either. It was average. Everything that led to the contract was well done, after that I wished for a more interesting meaning for the contract. Feeling no pain is dangerous yes. Pain is a gift. But I wished for more.

Overall:
This is a well written script. It deserved a better ending.

In regard to Dr Death, I made it obvious intentionally as I wanted to keep it a little tongue in cheek. I may change that, as it is a very serious subject matter that I am highlighting in this story, albeit not very well with this draft.

I do agree about the end. I was running out of time, the page count was rising and I needed an ending. So I stuck one on then used the remaining hours editing down what I had, managing to cut two pages, which would have given me room for an alternate ending, but I still didn't have time to write one. I started writing it on the Wednesday after reading that we didn't have to reserve an urban legend before entering.

I want to do so much more with this story. Maybe even rewrite the concept altogether when I get some time and a non-restrictive page count.

Cheers.

Quoted from DustinBowcot In regard to Dr Death, I made it obvious intentionally as I wanted to keep it a little tongue in cheek. I may change that, as it is a very serious subject matter that I am highlighting in this story, albeit not very well with this draft. I do agree about the end. I was running out of time, the page count was rising and I needed an ending. So I stuck one on then used the remaining hours editing down what I had, managing to cut two pages, which would have given me room for an alternate ending, but I still didn't have time to write one. I started writing it on the Wednesday after reading that we didn't have to reserve an urban legend before entering. I want to do so much more with this story. Maybe even rewrite the concept altogether when I get some time and a non-restrictive page count. Cheers.

It would be a great theme. Here in the USA - NFL players are suspended for weed but NFL Doctors have no problem filling them up with opiate based pain killers. Phama companies bribe Doctors to increase the number of prescriptions they issue and our drug stores are allowed to sell personal prescription  information to Pharma companies. All in all it's a train wreck and I do think it would be a great concept for a script. I would like to see a story that starts with someone who is otherwise a health nut (e.g., a soccer player, boxer or something) who slowly gets into the painkillers through his coaches and team physicians and when he (or she) is no longer needed because they can't play anymore - they spend their retirement as a drug addict shopping from Doctor to Doctor. Anyway - there is a story that needs to be told here.