Urby Legend: The Bunny Man returneth!

Lots of talking heads here, but I don't mind if the majority of dialog is entertaining. I wished for a few more visuals, but what's here is fine. One of the better entries, not too bad. Not much to add.

I've read some entries where it felt like the writer was yanking my chain and not trying to be halfway good - this is not one of those entries. This is not a piss job.

Quoted from irish eyes See what happens when someone writes a very funny, well laid out comedy... it gets calls a pisser. You can't win.

You're right. I for one jumped the gun to call this a pisser, although I meant it in a positive way, if that makes any sense. It was definitely funny and works well as an absurd comedy. I've come up with multiple dodgy reviews this OWC that I've rethought after looking it over again... my bad, folks.

I don't think it is a pisser or a very funny, well laid out comedy.

This was a tad long but I did find it ridiculously entertaining.

The switch from straight faced legend to comedic bunny antics was funny and the outlandish ending had me chuckling.

I enjoyed this entry a lot.  My favourite so far.

What an imagination in this funny story! Kept envisioning this story animated.
Maybe show Rusty's story as it occurs. There's a strong feeling of listening in as Rusty relates what happened to Lucas.
Pretty fun story idea.

You must be from Washington State, because you be smoking way too much weed.

Your story, while a bit long, is perfectly readable.  Your formatting is reasonable and your dialog is natural and fun.  I thought the tickling twist was interesting.  There's a structure here, but your ending is a total mess.  And I was confused by the KFC reference.

Three problems early on:

(1) Too much exposition.

(2) A line from Lucas that's totally unbelievable:

Quoted Text He shudders. A moistness forms in his eyes. LUCAS Are you alright Mr Borland? I could come back tomorrow?

Seriously?  No reporter worth their salt would make that offer unless maybe the interviewee was completely losing it.

(3) You kick the Seahawks when they're down.  Yes, it was the dumbest play in Superbowl history, but dude, have a heart...

One way to make this funnier is if it's clear that Lucas is not interested in covering this story.  It was pushed on him, maybe as a joke/punishment from his boss.  He's just pretending to be interested and is subversively snarky in ways that Rusty doesn't pick up on so that the audience expects Lucas to ridicule Rusty upon the reveal.  But then, after dragging out the suspense a bit, we discover Lucas has been converted to Rusty's camp because of Lucas's tickling PTSD.

The talk about getting high and about the uncle needlessly slows the story down.  I would focus on the planning and execution of getting revenge on the Bunnyman, how Lucas goes from incredulous snark to over-enthusiastic conspirator.  Then you have a real character arc.

And what about the Bunnyman?  I want to know what the deal is with him.  Can't we have a 2nd reveal?

I would recommend reading The Hidden Tools of Comedy.  It covers two aspects that would improve the humor in your story:

(1) Making sure that your characters are "true".  In other words, their behavior is always consistent with who they are.

(2) Straight line vs. wavy line.  If you play Lucas straight before the reveal and wavy after the reveal, while at the same time reversing that a for Rusty (he's not prepare to go that far), it would be way funnier.

A few things come to mind as I read: too wordy, meaningless set up, on the nose, show don't tell.

Too wordy: the descriptions setting up where Rusty lives are wordy.

Meaningless set up: where Rusty lives are meangingless. He lives in an old shack in a place of well kept homes. Rusty could live at the end of a dirt road in the woods and it makes no difference to the story...right?

On the nose: instead of letting the story tell about the legend the actors talk about the legend. And they talk too much about things that don't matter, the stuff readers tend to skip over, which amount to many pages here. Dialogue between Rusty and Lucas doesn't feel natural (to me). Intermixed with "clears...shudders...snaps...nods...LAUGHS...flips...stares....HAWKS..." etc. which is meaningless filler.

This leads to show don't tell: most is told, not shown. Told is boring. 12 out of 15 pages told.

I read up on the legend and granted it's a skinny legend I've never heard of so that could mean you picked the wrong legend, which is probably the case. But hey, instead of an axe it was tickling, so points for that.

More thought could have produced something funny, I think. You could have SHOWN the legend as is, then SHOWN Rusty's version, intermixed, but SHOWN, the truth.

A flash of light and the bunny dude is in Lucas' bed?

Well this was highly entertaining. Rusty is a great character. Candy Crush addicted hillbilly. Love it.

IMO, I think it might have been better if Lucas was more of a conservative guy...no cursing, just there to report and maybe a little uncomfortable with Rusty's ways. I say that because they ended up sounding the same a few times.

And I think this went on too long. Some of the banter could easily be trimmed which I think would make the funny parts even funnier.

I'd keep working on this one. It has potential for a quirky short film.

Nicely written. Quick and easy to follow.

Lucas' character shift from a straight-laced reporter to Rusty's sidekick seemed a little abrupt and the last third of the script confused me a little. But overall, it was unique, witty and a pleasure to read.

The Bunny Man Untold

Okay the whole story was told via dialogue up to a certain point. Anyhow it's interesting to imagine the visuals when they're just told by your actors, still... It went too long for what it is and too repetitive, and also the humor wasn't for me. Good luck.

I loved how it was a tickling monster, what a funny idea!. This was written really well, good clear action lines. A lot of talking but the dialogue was sharp and funny with some memorable lines.
Would love to have 'seen' Rusty's old incident rather than him just talking about it.

Repeatedly, you’re using “__” where “--” needs to go for dialog interruptions.
Well…
What a queer, odd story.
Relatively good to great dialog, very natural.
I can’t really pin on how this would be shot and marketed. It’s not horror, plenty of comedy yet still not enough, a good dose of plain drama, there’s action… I dunno.
Four outta five essential parts are there. Or 80% of all five parts. I dunno.

Stevie, I think Rusty should get best character of this OWC - well, of those I read anyway. Great stuff.

Quoted from LC Stevie, I think Rusty should get best character of this OWC - well, of those I read anyway. Great stuff.

Lol cheers Lib. Thanks to all who read and enjoyed. This took me all week to do as I was so tired from late nights at work, the heat and life etc.

Nothing remotely pisstake about it either as Mark pointed out to some people. To clear things up a proper Simply Scripts pisstake involves using regulars and their quirky habits in a comedy based in the theme of any particular OWC. A good one hasn't been done for awhile lol.

Rusty was your sort of grizzled old timer who lives alone. My brothers name is Tony but he is universally known as Rusty since his teens so I used that lol.  I was surprised that people thought that Lucas changed as a char so quick but it was the booze and good weed and Rustys revelation that did it.

I had a different ending but forgot to use it as I was in a hurry.  I won't be rewritng this at all as is my want with my OWC entries - comedy needs to be and stay spontaneous so ya don't meddle with it. If I didn't think perps wouldn't find this funny I wouldn't have entered it.

Anyone is free to use this and film it if they want in any form.

Cheers to Don and Blondie for running a great show!