Prepared by Paul Kinsey - Short, Horror, Action - Sergeant Smyth and Deputy Stephenson will be transporting a bus load of inmates to their final destination for crimes-- Nah. They're screwed. All of them. - pdf, format

I didn't initially see how the flashbacks were anything other than filler, but they hold a purpose later, so good work there.

There's elements that work well here, and bringing in multiple legends is effective, there's a few comedic moments that I don't think sit as well, but that could be just me.

All in all a decent scripts, some strong visuals and good use of the legends.

Anthony

Well written and a decently told story... just not a story for me. Sorry I don't have any more to add.

Decent little story here.

I was at first confused with the VO but then realized you were using several different legends in this piece which is at least original IMO.

I like the fact that this writer has voice and isn't afraid to use it.

I never understood why Smyth did what he did. I never liked him either. But that isn't a problem for me.

Not sure I love the title...And not sure I love the logline because it really does give what's going to happen away.

Enjoyable read. Good job with the OWC.

A well-written story. Especially enjoyed the use of other legends. The only real let-down for me is the lack of explanation for Smyth's actions. I'm left with no choice but to presume he hates criminals. Also, I think the legend with the hangman and the car didn't really fit in all that well. Just seemed out of place to me.

Overall, quite like this one.

Not sure why Smyth credits his girlfriend with almost killing him. Seems whoever hung him from a tree did the heavy lifting, so to speak.

Giving the Inmates names, even fake names, would’ve helped me distinguish them better. Later they end up getting shot and crushed without it being specified which ones were killed. I guess the flashbacks tricked me into thinking they would be important characters.

I like the attempt to use multiple legends and tie them together, but it never really came off for me. Probably the biggest thing that could help that is elaborating on Smyth and why he does this. Why now? Why these people? Stephenson, his coworker, was expendable too? Maybe if there was a specific prisoner he wanted to deal with, or he psychologically snapped and was trying to create a legend of his own, it would feel like there was more of a purpose. As is, I couldn’t grasp it.

Stuff like "Dirty, cracked, oily fingers" reads awkwardly, especially as the beginning of a script.

The writing is really unclear, what does "Young BC glassed fatty punk scrambles from back seat." mean? There's a lot of similar instances in the script. Underwritten in parts so to say. Cap any characters when introduced, line or no lines and flashback or no flashback.

Not entirely sure what this was, hard to follow, again, because of the writing. I could definitely guess, but I don't want to embarrass myself. It's a shame too, since there was a clear voice here but the story was lost on me. Could do with a good rewrite.

Oh this was great. I like the way you write. So fast and flowing. I thought maybe there was too many 'flash' scenes at the beginning and could be trimmed down a bit. But overall I thought this was a fun short.

So, it appears you're experimenting with the Dan Gilroy method of screenwriting - nothing wrong with trying things out, I'm all for it and the OWC is as good a platform as any for you to see if the audience responds to it in a positive light.

Unfortunately, in my case it only served to distance me from the story.  I have a feeling this style doesn't necessarily translate well in the telling of a 'short'.

Combining this style of writing with the multi-strand legends didn't do your story any favours imh. It distanced me further I'm afraid. I want to feel invested with your characters and I re-read the script to get the full meaning of what the story was all about, but still I wasn't feeling it. You need to show me more not get caught up so much in the words you're trying to construct cleverly.

Example:
The grinding action of the bus’ weight spews blood from the
crushed inmates onto all aboard.

What?

That's just so contrary to what I think you're trying to achieve - economy with your words but expressive at the same time. This should be a visually graphic scene but I'm not feeling it or visualizing it. The bus has overturned, the inmates are crushed, and there's lots of blood, right?

Be stylish, be economical, but if it's at the expense of me responding in a visceral way then I think you defeat your purpose.

The bus rolls off the shoulder, and flips onto its side on
top of the inmate and inmate one handcuffed to the side
mirror.

So, the bus rolls, flips, and pins inmates one and two - to the 'side mirror'? I don't get the last part - do you mean it skewers them? Oh no, I get it now - they're handcuffed to the side-mirror prior to the bus crashing - see, in the telling of that line it was ambiguous imo.

Then, this:

Rain pours.
Water rushes.
Smyth waits.
Nothing.

It takes up four lines.

But then this expansive description:

'Like trained magician Capuchin thieves they snatch
Stephenson’s keys, ... '

You could do without the 'trained magician' imh, cause the Capuchin does the job in one word - as long as you're confident most people know what Capuchin monkeys are.

I really don't mean to be harsh. I'm giving you my candid opinion after reading the story twice. I think your storytelling is getting bogged down in style over substance and your narrative suffers for it. I have no idea from reading this if it would translate well to screen. Maybe it would... maybe I'm short-sighted.  

You're obviously a talented writer otherwise I don't think you'd even be able to attempt this. I'm just not sold it worked to tell your story well.

Wow.  I rather like this one.  Based on the descriptions, it's clear that a skilled writer submitted it - which doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement.

LOVE the premise and the urban legend mish-mosh.  Unlike several other OWC scripts I've read that tried to combine more than one UL so far, this one actually succeeds - at least for the most part.  

IMHO: the snazzy descriptions do get a little too terse at times; going from snappy and fun to unclear.  Same with the action.  A bit more focus is called for, to make sure that there's no questioning what's happening at all times. (Yes, I get what happened on the bus - but it could still be made clearer.)

But...a very, very solid foundation for a gem of a script.  In my estimation, it's already 4/5s of the way there....

I'm on the fence as to whether I like this or not.  On one hand, it's pretty original, it's visual, it's compelling. Things necessary to a great script.

But I'm also torn as to whether all the flashbacks serve the purpose they're intended to. In a sense, they're all shoehorned in, because there's no connection between one legend and the other.  Now what WOULD make sense would be if each of the criminals in the previous urban legends were in the bus at the end. THAT would tie it all together and make sense of all of this.

The writing's great. Unfortunately, there needs to be a little more cohesion brought to the story to make it pay off.  
Gary

It seems to me the other legends DO fit in because (1) the incidents involve Smyth or family, and (2) they show he has a thing for legends.

It's clear at the end that he knows of the Boy Scout legend, plus the finale takes place on Baden-Powell Lane -- Baden-Powell being the founder of the Boy Scouts.

So killing the inmates is done in a kind of "legendary" way.

Why does he kill them? I'm not sure.  Maybe he's so sick of being a grease monkey in the prison garage that he takes it out on them.

The title is not bad ( a play on the scout motto).

Some things could spiffed up some, as others have said, so I'll leave it at that.

I enjoyed the use of multiple urban legends within this one.  Has something juicy in its core.

The descriptions of characters are also refreshing.  Pump monkey being a personal favorite.  It's evidently clear the writer is quite decent at weaving a tale.  I'd add more on the concept overall, but I think most of what I want to say has been said by others.

Decent overall concept that delivers on multiple urban legends.

I loved the style of the first half of this. The action line descriptions and 'asides' were funny!

It lulled a bit when the shit began to go down. The humour became fair dinkum stuff. Maybe the writer hurried at the end? I dunno, it seemed to change course too much.

But it was cool and would be even better with a re-do.

I found this incredibly difficult to read. I had to read lines a few times to fully comprehend them. Maybe it's just too American for my English eyes.

There wasn't enough narrative drive for me, with the constant flashbacks and VO. I had no motivation, nor desire to read on.

Judging by the other comments it's found a home, so that's good. Didn't work for me on any level, I'm afraid.