Interesting spin on the teeth fillings picking up radio signals myth.  Opening page needs more clarity, as does much of the script.  Seemed to be a couple characters too many for this short.  I think only the dentist, Hugo and Shrink were necessary.  Jessica felt superfluous.  

I wanted more conflict between Hugo and the Shrink.  I never felt we got to the heart of why they implanted the device in Hugo.  What was it about him that the gov't wanted?  A lot of questions were raised, but it appears the writer ran out of time to give the answers.  

Using words like urgency, panic and violent is a good way to start any script – it can’t help but pull you in but I will admit that I didn’t follow the opening. It left me confused but that’s not hard to do. The good news is that the writing is good so I’m confident to give this story the time it probably deserves.

Nice transition into the military building, the writer knows their stuff and doesn’t let the story get bogged down.

Oh no, some little things are bothering me in the writing now, and there is the customary typo – most of the writing stuff could be preference. Why was the Dentist still in V.O when in the office?

Is the Dentist a psychiatrist as well? I don’t think it’s his place to think someone’s crazy or if he does, he has to inform the authorities of his idea after Hugo leaves – why the big rush?

metal filings? Fillings – easy fix.

“Come on, let's grab a coffee.” Doesn’t he have other patients?

Good, John the dentist is a smart person after all – now it’s time to get back to the long list of patients waiting for him.

Not a bad story but it needs work – the damn government will do anything to cover up their secrets but that’s probably part of the problem here. We only have half a story – the actual cover up, what happened to Hugo and his team seems rather important for the character to flourish. At this moment, it’s just a bleak tale of a man being locked up for some unknown reason. The conclusion is cruel but also really unsatisfying. What I'm getting at is there are lots of unanswered questions and that's kinda frustrating.

If you could have given us some conclusion with the cover up then this would have been a really good story – I think too much time is wasted on the Dentist at the beginning. Not bad for a week’s work though.

Writing style:
Very clear. Well done. A few remarks.

Quoted Text rugged ex-special forces

Wasn't visual to me. I don't know what a rugged ex-special forces looks like.

Quoted Text Jessica drops her phone on the floor -- a sign.

Don't feed the reader with a spoon. Let him eat.

Quoted Text the forlorn look of someone who's given up.

Too wordy. Keep it short and to the point always.
when you said

Quoted Text devoid of life

I thought he was dead.

Dialogue:
Nothing on the nose. I felt the distinction in each character void. All of the line were just good, which is a bad thing. I wanted some lines to be memorable, emotional, witty. I didn't get any.

Character:
I felt sorry for Hugo, but like the rest of the characters, there was no depth to him. I wish you showed us other sides of his personality. Like how sad he felt for losing his friends. If he had dreams. If he had a girl he loved. All there was to Hugo is his teeth problem, which isn't much.

Story:
The mystery and the thrill was there. But there was no stakes whatsoever. There was no imposing threat from the voices. Even keeping him locked didn't seem much of a danger to me. Stakes are always good. They give the story weight.

Hugo only reacted. He never acted, except for asking the dentist to remove his teeth. Main character passiveness sometimes work in stories, but certainly not in this one. I wished Hugo did something to uncover the mystery. I would have had him tie the dentist to chair and torture the truth out of him.

The big reveal in the end, when John was on the phone. Wasn't a big reveal to me at all. It didn't deserve to be the ending. I already knew they did it the moment John checked Hugo file. What I wanted is Hugo sensing their guilt and breaking out to find out what they really did to him and why.

Overall:
You, sir, can write. There is no denying. Your storytelling skills is promising. You had a great story going on, but the train of thrill and intrigue derailed mid way when John decided to accept his fate too early in the script.

TEETH

"STATIC screams into Hugo's head. He cries out in pain, grabs
his head and runs for the--

ENTRANCE
--and throws himself out."

A tension building moment that ends up with a very funny image.

I think the script's far too long for what it stands for now without saying that a mystery like that isn't worth the story; the location was great and all that. It's just- they talk a lot of the same stuff over and over again. Maybe there's a subplot missing where you go more into detail about the things the military people actually want to know from Hugo. It's a bit dry at the moment: I hear noises – no you're sick. I hear noises – no you're sick.


One last thing: You establish that noise-thing (bug) right from the start OVER BLACK. The way you did it, it's not understandable, I fear. For me, it was as if you're editing there and are giving us a flashback or foreshadow or sth. While I think you delivered that part "cool", it just doesn't work here imo because we cannot grab the logic and then it makes no deal. If you could do it with the opening credits running, maybe that would work much better because we don't see the "SHOT" that important.

Decent entry; lots of effort; dialogue is overwritten; some more subplot maybe; even cut a few scenes.

It had a bit of Shutter Island flair, one of my favorite movies. I liked a lot of Teeth but some things I brought to the table must change to thrill me.  

I'm not sure I understood the motivations for doing this to Hugo, probably need to give it another read. It dragged on a bit in places but overall it's a good idea that's well executed. One of my favourites so far.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
First OWC, eh?  
Ah, you’ve got a dandy conspiracy story here all wrapped up in seriousness.
I can see that this was fun to create and write, even try out a few techniques.
But it’d be dreadfully boring to watch a ten/twelve minute short film about a paranoid PTSD soldier debating on whether he is or isn’t crazy.
Too much faux-drama for my tastes.

Hi Folks, thanks for the reads and feedback.

I hereby promise not to offend future readers with the rash use of unconventional Fonts and the use of unnecessary CAPS      How could I? I jest.

Story wise, despite being a bit of a rushed job i rather liked this one compared to other OWC entries. It felt like there was a sinister tone, a mystery to resolve, yet with a nice twist.

But it needs work to pull it off and i appreciate the feedback given.

I may make this more contained to reduce production costs, see where that goes.

Thanks Don for the challenge.

cheers all

It's definitely got potential.

I agree with those that said it would be nice to know the why...what the Government (or any other body should you change it) were up to.

I know you laughed at Prussian Moby's idea that you need a further sub-plot, but I can see where he's coming from. At the moment the story swings between two poles...he's either sick, or he's not. We don't learn much new.

Rick

Hmm, interesting story. Don't know what it's based on - would be curious to see. I can't discern an Urban Tale from this for some reason.
It reminded me of Bourne, but I have too many questions with this one.
THe good thing is - it kept me on my toes up until the middle. Then it became too cryptic and partly repetitve - that's what you have to work on in the rewrite I guess. Make it clearer and trim a bit.
I wonder if the last two scenes happened in the past. Why did doctor changed all of the sudden. What do they want from him? Why the implant? What's the plan here?
So, if you have it in your head, it's an easy rewrite I guess. I would be curious to see the rewrite as the beginnign is extremely intriguing.