Thought the writing was decent in this one, at least in the Lola half of the story, but the two halves didn't connect strongly enough for me.

Enjoyable if not a tad unnerving for anyone with a pet dog.

It's a harrowing concept with some decent moments.  I was kinda expecting Lola to wake up and find some crazed whack-job licking her hand or something, but I guess that's another urban legend... or maybe it's in this one but we never actually see it, so it did happen but not to our knowledge.

The way it plays out could join a little easier, as others have said.  But it works as is and delivers.  Perhaps a smoother transition between the past and present could be expanded upon in a future rewrite, if you intend to do so.

salvia

quite a creepy title.

logline is ok, could have a bit more lunch, but has good potential..

milton mamet - that sounds like a high standard to maintain

His eyes begin to well to the sound of thunder and torrential downpour. - i didn't find this very clear

A WEATHER WOMEN - plural!

I know. But I stopped believing you
after the second time.

not sure how relevant that it is, but its a good line (note - actually it is irrelevant as is the Daren character for the majority)

p5 oh the hand lick one..lets see where this goes...

not where we expected, which was good.

the dad boy thing confused me a touch. the scene with the woman and her dog seemed unresolved.

the flashback - was that correct - after all it can't have been her flashback, so who in the scene was having a flashback?  What it was, was an earlier scene with different people.

the single woman in the shack with mad man - ex boy - doesn't do much for me. i think it needed a extra edge, like not in a shack or something

i think there was great potential in her fear, her paranoia - alone, etc but that wasn't really played upon.

sorry, it decent lean writing, but not for me

all the best

My thoughts on the script - all completely subjective:

The opening scene was legitimately creepy and suspenseful as was the ending scene. Despite being sick and twisted, I found those scenes and the boy and his father's characters the most interesting part of the script. I also enjoyed the dialogue exchange between Lola and Darren, good character to it and it was a breeze to read.

I thought there was a fitting dark and twisted tone to the script with good visuals to set it, the shack-like house, thunder etc. I was confused on the timeline for a while. I presumed it was the boy under the bed and I think I eventually figured out that it was all a flashback to his first kill divided into parts for the sake of a twist. I see others were confused as well, maybe this would be more obvious on the screen? Maybe some more clarification for the sake of cohesion would be a good addition? I don't know, but I'd definitely want to see the boy under the bed at some point. The father's motivations were also left unclear, but I for one liked the fact that it was a mystery and we had to figure that part out on our own.

I liked the interesting characters on all sides and the script made me feel something, repulse, while buying into the fact that this situation could be real and there's a young serial killer in the making. I'd say the script achieved what it felt like it wanted to achieve, for me. It took me time to grasp how the timeline worked, though.

Here's the link to the urban legend in case anyone's interested: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/horrors/a/humans_can_lick.htm

Good luck, writer.

Too many missed connections for me.

A great title that has practically nothing to do with anything. I know it relates to Humans Can Lick, Too, but what does that relate to? What Lola told Darren about the puppy licking? Maybe we should conclude that Darren, jealous of the puppy, is the culprit. He drove over after Face Time, broke in, and...naw.

No, I suppose it's just Crazy Billy, whose father, Crazy Ed, has been trying to teach the boy that one must kill the dog BEFORE you cut off its head and put it on the lamp.

The parallel story lines can't work in just 7 pages. I see that you want to create a back story for the killer, Billy, but it's gonna take a lot more pages to clarify and connect the threads.
You are using flashbacks, but how far back are we going?
Is Billy still 8 years old when he haunts Lola?
As I was reading this, I imagined him older, maybe a young adult. In which case, the opening scene needs to establish a time line.

My suggestion is to stay in the moment and create a twist or two within that frame. Focus on building tension with Lola. Utilize the TV news better. Stay with the story of the "series of gruesome break-ins." Create a news story of frightening proportions about a serial killer with a peculiar MO.

Lola and Darren's conversation goes on too long without a great payoff.
Since they are on facetime, play that up. Darren has already made comments on his observations of her bed. Maybe when Lola drops her hand along the side of the bed, she can hold the phone so Darren can see the Akita Pup. Or whoever is hiding under the bed.

Darren can react with alarm before the phone call loses connection.

You could also retell the UL from the POV of the killer, or Darren. Just a few thoughts to put "your stamp" on the UL.

The writing is solid here, despite the aforementioned grammatical blips. I'm guessing you got in over your head with the Ed and Billy story, and maybe ran out of time before stitching everything together.  As Janet mentioned, if you want to stay with Billy's warped upbringing, consider expanding to a feature.

An attempt to give backstory on the old "humans can lick, too" UL.  But like some of these other entries, great concept, while the execution was lacking.  Opening scene didn't make much sense to me.  Ed kills the stray dog in front of Billy, but I never fully understood why.  What precisely was he trying to teach his son?  

Then, back to Ed and Billy on page 7, there's a very awkward scene transition as Billy pulls out his knife and charges, but then there's a completely new slugline, and then the fight transpires.  Why was the scene change necessary there?  And why did Ed need to slide off his ring?

I was thinking, as Ed dragged Billy down into the basement, he was going to chain him up and treat him like a dog for years on end, hence creating the backstory for the "finger licking" urban legend.  But that's not what happened.

I'm assuming the segment with Lola and Darren happens in the future, with a grown up Billy under the bed.  But, there was really no suspense milked out of the situation.  Darren felt superfluous, like he was there just for Lola to bounce dialogue off of.  And some of the phrasing was very awkward:

"A look of horror kidnaps her face"

Really?  Wonder how long horror held her face for ransom.  

I like the idea here, but the script was very oddly structured and almost completely devoid of suspense.   This one might be worth another pass after the owc.

Saliva

Unfortunately I don't get your intention here.
Is this based on two individual stories? Then, why there's a flashback at all?  The switching was confusing since it couldn't offer the connection it made me want to look for.

The Lola string
The Akita dog's head is on the bedside lamp now and from the wall it reads "Humans Have Tongues Too". Shall this imply Darren was jealous of the Akita pup because he wants to lick Lola's hand like the dog does as he mentioned in the phone call? So, he's the dog killer in this part of the story.........

Then there's the other string with Billy and Ed.

Reads like a ritual animal killer legend but I didn't get a grab for it.

I agree with others that this could be shorter. The big problem is a lack of cohesiveness, though. The bookends don’t seem to have anything to do with the middle other than that a dog is involved. Either the boy or the father could be the killer, or neither of them really. I didn’t see a lot to go on. If I had to guess I’d say the killer is Billy and the backstory explains his hatred for dogs. I think it might be more telling to build a backstory explaining his desire to lick people.

Good first page.
WOMAN = singular, WOMEN = plural.
Hmm… Kinduva odd “Now” + “Origins” mish-mash all-in-one short story.
Other than the OTT gruesome puppy head on a lamp gimmick this would make a fairly decent short horror film to watch.
Handle the time flip-flop well and it’ll be fine.
However, after the fine page one comes pages 2, 3, 4,& 5 slogfests which should be edited down or spiced up; either, doesn’t matter.
And I dunno about the title. I’m really not sold on it.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Good. Some smart lines in there.

Character:
I didn't care for any of them. Maybe a little for the kid. But just a little. You didn't shape them up enough.

Story:
I don't understand why you mushed the two stories together. If there was a connection, it went right over my head. I liked the twist on the stray dog plot. "Humans has tongues too" was very predictable and did nothing for me.

Overall:
If you kept the stray dog storyline and expended on it, you could have turned this one into precious little gem.

Good luck.