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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Hitched - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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I thought that for the most part this was a fairly well written suspense piece.  My biggest problem was the length. It seemed to go on for far too long -- the first scene at the store was  pretty good, but Patricia is not a likable character. Marnie says she hopes she killed. I'm with her.  And doesn't Patricia die? What was all that at the beginning if she didn't?

Some of the action lines were very well done, but I think what happened here is that you were writing and writing, anything that came into your head as the story progressed, and you didn't have an edit button to press. Either that, or you didn't go back and edit before submitting because you were rushed for time.

Still, it was a crackin' good story - one we've seen before but still well told.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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In short. Ridiculously over-written. Dreamscale has summed up my thoughts perfectly so I needn't repeat. I stopped reading here:


Quoted Text
NANCY (V.O.)
Get me out of here.


I gave it my best effort, but late at night I had to stop. I think you can write, but this feels rushed.

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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 25th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hitched

No page numbers..................

I like the opening.

The plot that somebody drives through nowhere without calculating the No.1 of important things to look for "fuel consumption", even if often done before, is unrealistic and feels constructed because of that. You can do it differently.

About her money she doesn't know too. Out of that she's pretty unfriendly.

Okay, lots of action in the end.

It was heavily overwritten; the descriptions were far too metaphorical and distracted me from the picture. Also the characters' interactions and several plots didn't work for me.

Partly there was a nice flow and an interesting dark mood of a redemption story but it wasn't precise and lost me from time to time again.

Too long and too much of a feature style. Characters' interactions didn't work.

@ how did the opening work now? I don't see a connection since she has blown the man's head away... there's no connection



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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Where’s the copyright? If this turns out to be good, then I’m stealing this as my own.

Fade to black one more time and I’m bailing. On the bright side, I don’t mind this opening as it’s different and more effective than sunlight shining through blinds.

The Nurse sounds more like a motivation speaker than in the medical profession.

“EXT. DESERTED ROAD - DAY

A rattlesnake slithers on the dusty asphalt. It vanishes as a zooming Camry passes over it.”

This could be the definition of a cliché line except the Camry – more a Mustang normally. I’m not trying to knock it – more that I suffer the same affliction really. Cliche lines and me go hand in hand.

“seems to be fast” Seems? Or maybe it is, but that’s impossible of course.

"All the single ladies" So it’s one of those stories – girl power!

“Hauntingly beautiful” No idea what this means? Well, she’s beautiful but to what degree… is hauntingly, right?

lip-sync champion. Wait a damn minute! There are plenty of them around and she’s actually singing – well, the dialogue is telling me she is.

“She dangerously dances to the rhythm” You’re just having fun with me now. Dangerously dances – this sounds like Michael Jackson.

“then downshifts gears to slow down.” So this is where I’m going wrong. So you have to downshift to slow down – I’ve been putting my foot on the brake.

“cell cellphone” I’m beginning to think you’re doing this on purpose.

Talking to the camera? It could work, but the dialogue needs to be more realistic, and it feels rather superfluous as
we know her situation already. She could have pointed to a gas station on the map and we would have understood.

“like the tongue of a hanged man.” Sorry but I have no idea – it can’t be an actual tongue.

“A cutting-edge vending machine.” Now that’s interesting – I’m hoping to find out why it’s cutting-edge.

“Patricia rings the bell on the counter twice.” Looks like they skimped on the counter – no cutting-edge items here.

You’re repeating things, and that tells me there isn’t a lot of story here.

“Patricia smiles. She likes him.” I hope to meet this Patricia in a bar one day – doesn’t take much to impress her, I’m in with a great chance.

“Ray processes her stuff.” A delicate way to put it.

“I'm Patricia by the way.” Excellent, this is how I go about getting gas as well or getting anything actually. I’m Steve and can I buy this milk today.

“You talk like a New Yorker.” He’s said like 15 words – how can you know this. He didn’t sound like one to me but I’m not from New York – anybody from the area care to chime in? Do you talk like good old Ray?

“Ray puts Patricia’s things in a bag.” What things? Was the cigarettes etc all hers before? I thought they were already there? You didn’t say anything about her picking these items up unless I missed it.

“I know, right. This smart monkey gets a lot of practice around here.” Does that mean he was lying about not being busy before – I don’t trust this guy at all.

“Ok, I don't have enough on me. I need to get the rest from my car.” Now I don’t trust Patricia. Actually, what’s happening – have we really just spent a few pages reading about Patricia buying gas.

“No I don't, asshole, or I would've paid you.” Yeah, this definitely reminds me of women I’ve met – they can turn in an instant – especially when you ask them to buy you a drink.

“She pulls its slider back to check if there is a bullet in the chamber. There is.” Good girl – just like a pro. Maybe I didn’t give her enough credit.

“She looks back.” Face palm. Women never listen. Gave me a chuckle anyway.

And she’s still looking back! What concerns me more is Ray – There’s a fucking man with a fucking hatchet in your back seat. But he should also be saying… there’s a fucking crazy bitch that doesn’t listen who’s carrying a fucking glock.

“Ray fumbles through his brain” Sounds painful. I hope this story delivers a twist because it needs it.

“Ray's half angry, half scared face.” This would be hard to pull off unless he’s the Batman villain Two-Face.

“She puts on her pajamas” Nudity?

“It's the news. She mutes it” Everyone be honest – as soon as you saw this line, you know she’s turning around when there’s something on the news about an escaped convict or mental patient.

(into the cellphone) Do you really need to do this – it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve said and were not going to suddenly think her mom is in the room.

Another fade to black – I’ve made it this far so I might as well see the black coat maniac cut this bitch up.

“doing a 110 miles per hour,” Is this the max speed of the Camry or is she sticking to the speed limit?

“The speedometer maxes out.” 111 miles per hour?

“Patricia, on foot, points her gun down as she walks” So glad you told me she was on foot otherwise I would have thought she would be walking in the car. She needs to raise her gun as well, no point pointing it at the floor.

“She kisses his cheek.” Please cut this – there is no way she’s kissing a strangers cheek through guilt and if I was Ray, I’d be like “fuck the kiss, cut these ropes.”

She left the office without Ray answering her question. Think Ray, think! She then leaves. Huh?

So Nancy’s in her bedroom closet – this maniac wasn’t very good at hide and seek was he?

So let me get this straight – Patricia had to leave the office to get the wheelbarrow and then bring it back. What happened to the hatchet man outside the room? Did he just give up waiting for them to come out?

“She hoists him up, opens the car door, and puts him inside.” And now Patricia is as strong as a bear – “all the single ladies” and all that.

“It’s a good hiding place.” It’s terrible unless I’ve got it wrong. She’s in the closet behind some tiny hangers.

“Like lightening, she bolts upright, clocking THE MAN with a headbutt that sounds like thunder.” There’s a theme to this line – lighting, bolts and thunder.

What page am I on – I’ve just realized this doesn’t have page numbers. It feels long for what it is.

RUN! “Get to the chopper” Man, I love Predator.

“Patricia shakes her head.” I really can’t blame her – for the first time, I feel sympathy for her because this Nancy is one stupid kid. Or maybe I was wrong, the gun was there all along – she took her time though.

“THE MAN cocks his hatchet.” Huh?

“You hitched the wrong ride, motherfucker.” Let of some steam, Bennett. Man, I love Commando, and the quip you have here – well deserved – girl power!

“A while after the credit starts rolling.” A while? How long is that?

Didn’t like that comedic ending. A few questions, what was the beginning about? Was Patricia that bad after her injuries that her heart gave out? Who was the shirtless MAN? Was that Ray?

An entertaining second half saved what was a ponderous first six pages – I’m not going to say I liked this because it was cliché as hell as some of these stories are. For pure entertainment and fun, it delivered in the second half although I would admit that I think some of it was unintentional.

I had issues with the writing as well but a lot can be easily solved in a re-write – some clumsy lines came of humorous so it may give me an idea of the author. That’s not the problem here though, it’s more that this story had no twist or different spin and for that, it was a pretty tame effort. On the bright side and like I’ve said before, it was an entertaining last act so kudos for that. If this has delivered some kind of twist to the tale then it would have been a lot better.

I would try and get to the story sooner, the first half is wasted as it doesn’t tell us much about the characters at all – we could have learnt all that we did in one page easily. At least it stuck to the core of the story – women are all powerful and always kill the bad guys in these type of horrors.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Title goes about two inches down from top of page, not centered.
WhereTH are your page numbers? Are you plugging in everything manually?!
If so, quit it. Get an editor.
Glocks really aren’t oiled or well oiled, it’s called a slide not slider, and one check to see if the pistol is “chambered.”
Weenie details aside, I like the way you write and create character dynamics. Very nice.
Alrighty, well… You’ve got some good scenario fundamentals. I dunno where Patricia Action Jackson came from, which I’m all for but it seems a bit thin that she’d put herself in harm’s way for the motivation given.
Figure out a better reason why the generic urban terminator would cut Ray’s achilles instead of his throat.
And ditch that last part. It’s just stupid.
Also, I fail to understand how the title relates to the story.



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KPM
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Zipped through this one dying to know who was the creep, Patricia or Ray.
Nancy's one-liner "Get me out of here" was pretty spooky.
Very well written.
The intrigue and curiosity of who was the bad guy was amazing. Bit disappointed that it turned out to be a real killer. Maybe tighten a bit by cutting out Patricia talking to the camera, and make Patricia or Ray the monster after all. It really could go either way...
Well done.
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realxwriter
Posted: March 3rd, 2015, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the feedback, folks. There is one thing I want to clarify. The opening scene was supposed to convey the end of an abusive relation ship between Patricia and the shirtless man who almost killed her in that incident. But I guess I was too subtle. I should have made it clear. That relation is what made Patricia a little aggressive later with Ray.

When she told the Mania to "Get off" was supposed to show the moment when Patricia learns not to take the abuse and there is always enough strength inside her to fight back.

I always suffer the problem thinking that people should understand something while I really didn't explain it enough.

P.S. the title and the alias I used on the title page is an anagram for Alfred Hitchcock
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