Hitched by Vince Masuka - Short, Horror, Thriller - A woman tries to save a man and his daughter from a deranged man whom she dropped at their gas station without even knowing. - pdf, format

This is really well written in parts.


I'll be honest...this OWC is getting old at super speed. I have already read huge chunks of every story.

Here I hit page seven before we got something new. You've got good dialogue going on, some really sharp writing, but the simple fact is that those seven pages are a build up to a scene we've already seen on film (Urban legend)....but extended to an an outrageous length and lacking the creep factor that made the original legend so scary.

There's talent on display here, but the story is fundamentally hamstrung by being an imitation of what's gone before.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

There are moments where the descriptive language just makes me friggin jealous. For example.

Quoted Text A pristine sign spells :" Welcome traveler." All seem odd and out of place like a candy house in the middle of the forest.

That is so good. There are many other instances in the script - loved your ability to describe scenes.

In terms of the story - I was right with you right until the time that Patricia returned to the gas station. That is where - at least to me - it lagged (4 pages could easily be 2 pages). I don't know if it is because we already know what's going to happen - but it just got bogged down there.

But - so far, my favorite

Is 'the gay positioning system' a mistake or character quirk? There's a few other typo's so I'll assume the former...

Still, it's very well written, easy to visualise and the reactions all seemed spot on.

The only thing I didn't like was the VO after the credits... didn't add anything for me.

Very good.

Anthony

"NANCY
Get me out of here." Really good moment.

"Ray... you know when I was taking
you to the car... I almost mistook
your thing for the barrow handle." I'm just gonna leave that there.

Well, nothing new here unfortunately, which is a shame, since I was really enjoying the first half. But then you get these guns and news reports and 'killer on the loose' and all that blunder that we've seen a hundred times before and it just ends on the wrong note. Personally, I'd push to make the story to have the same creepy aura at the start. That's probably the best thing about it. Is the man real? Is Ray actually a psycho? Is his daughter in on the ruse? Would've made for a better dynamic, especially with you pushing the page length.

This was a good read,  nothing that hasn't been done before but still kept my interest. I think a lot could be cut down a bit though especially towards the end.

Very, very long winded. Must be a first draft as there are quite a few pages to be dropped. It's a pretty simple slasher, stretched out far longer than is good.

An ALMOST perfect script!  Very well written (leaving aside the obvious typos due to rushing.)  A solidly empowered female character, lots of action - and a good reboot of a very, very old urban legend.  Basically, one of the top entries I've read.

My only qualm...  I like the ending, but it seemed just a *touch* flat.  I'm not sure I'd end the script on that line myself.  You need something... more dynamic.  Maybe even one last twist, maybe?  

But kudos.  A wonderful read.  

This is a rather long winded take on the classic "man in the back seat" UL.  I found Patricia's character sort of off-putting, like when she calls Ray an asshole just for asking to pay what she owes him.  A nice twist to empower the female in the second half of the story, but it simply dragged on for too long.   This was a 15 page story and the limit was supposed to be 12.  I could understand if those last pages were absolutely imperative to the plot, but to me it just felt like padding.  

Hitched

I hope you haven't given the game away with that logline, let's see...

15 pages!!

Without any scene title we are a bit lost to where we are, what we're seeing but I get the vibe of a confusing start, where are we etc?

Not sure the to the camera works

Did he really know her name?

Whilst longer than it needed to be, including the motel which could have been avoided, the second half was fine, except for right at the end. You could drop the credits and VO

Not a bad for a week.

WARNING!!!  WARNING!!!

The following review contains everything including the kitchen sink that you probably don't want to hear...but need to.

As I go...

Oh boy...uh...OK, so...no FADE IN to start, but a FADE TO BLACK...no wait...3 FADE TO BLACKs.  And we have some "us" references as well.  Damn...I'm not liking this at all early on.

A cliche simile, and this is all before we get a proper FADE IN.  I'll stay in as long as I can.

Oh man, more "colorful" writing, which is really just complete wasted space and potentially pissing off readers...like me.  

And now we have song placement.  Damn, I can only imagine what else we're going to find here.

Well, Mr. or Mrs. Writer, you have a voice alright, but it's the kind of voice that makes me feel ill, like an ugly, thick New York accent on a pretty girl.

No page #'s - but on Page 2, you have "cell cellphone"

"like the tongue of a hanged man" - Really?  For reals?  Man...ARGH!!!!

Wow, so many completely throw away, wasted lines.  I can easily see why this is 15 pages, as my bet early on is that it should probably be a 8 or 9 page script, if written properly.

"MAN VOICE" - HUH?  Oh, I see, it's actually Ray.  No reason not to use RAY (O.S.)

Asides, underlines, the whole frickin 18 yards, as I expected.  I just looked above me to make sure a kitchen sink wasn't poised to fall on my head - the coast looks clear...let's see...

'a 6 years old" - uh, no.  How about "a six year old".  Spell out numbers not used as an age intro and no plural here.  And, not surprisingly, she's literally "cute as a button".  Oh man...I should get out while I still can...

Interesting, then you spell out the 4 digit dollar amounts - 3 times.  Oh boy...

Damn, what the Hell did old Patricia buy in there for 37 bones?

Why does Patricia turn into such a cuntass bitch?  I don't buy it.

Wow...they just keep coming, huh?  Now you throw in an italicized aside in question form.  This crap is just completely killing this read, and it's sad because you obviously know how to write, but this smartass style of everything but the kitchen sink (I just checked above me again, BTW) is just trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD!!!  ARGH!!!!

"...so I can get you out of the car..." - can should be could

I don't know what page we're on, but I can tell you it's dragging heavily, and it looks like we're only half way in.  OK, looks like Page 8 - and you throw in yet another little treat - the old elipsis lead into a new scene, but the way you did it here is incorrect and looks silly, actually.

Seriously?  Another FADE TO BLACK and no FADE IN to follow, so from here on out, everything is playing over a black screen.  Unreal...and then your next Slug is the exact same one we're already in.

"...it certainly just convinced the hell out of her that Ray was telling the truth." - Dude, c'mon now.  Enough is enough and this is way more than even too much.  I should have stopped reading long, long ago, but I'm not going to.  I'm in for the long haul, and when I'm done, I think I'm going to need a shot of Jager...or 2.

More italics, huh?  Sure, why the fuck not at this point?  I wouldn't be surprised if I see the word "blood" written in red.

Oooohhhh, goody...some double dashes now!!!  WOOOPPEEEE!!!  

"like grilling lines on a steak" - Oh please stop.  PLEASE STOP!!!  Please?  Pretty please?

Great to see the over abundance of wrylies too.  I know that kitchen sink is coming soon.

OMG!!!!  Dude, you continue to amaze me.  Now, you decide to throw in 4 single lines of description for some effect, but the effect is that you're fucking killing me!!! In the last one, you're missing an important comma between floor and Nancy.

A "barrow"?  WTF is a barrow?  A wheelbarrow?

"Has the loose board just moved?" - I don't know, why don't you tell me.

Yep, it was a wheelbarrow, alright.

"Like a genie out of a bottle" - LOL...dude, seriously, you're fucking killing me here.  I gotta take a break for a second...my gut really hurts from laughing.  I've never seen anything so over the top REDONKULOUS in my life!!  OMG!!!!

And it just keeps coming!!!  Absolutely love the "punched" wrylies...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hatchet was in his belt?  Really?

OMG, talk about overly dramatic writing.  This is literally ubsurd!

Nice, a little thunder and lightning in the same passage...and an "unhinged door"  Wow, almost speechless here, but not quite.

"up on her feet"  "out of the window" - lose the "up" and "of"...please.

Wow, what a harrowing resuce of little Nancy.  Sure didn't see that coming.

Oh man...

"She broke something." - She did?  Hmmm, I wonder what?

I was wondering what else you could throw in here, and you managed to use an INT/EXT too.  Awesome.

"draws back her leg mid-sprint" - I'm just in complete awe at this point. I really am...

I know it doesn't mater at this point, but why in the world are you CAPPING "THE MAN" over and over and over?

LOL...and after all that, you did manage 1 more trick - an after...or during credit scene, and it's as redonkulous as everything that preceded it.  Unreal...simply unreal.  But, it's "credits", not credit.

In summation, this is a case and maybe the very best example ever witnessed of someone with talent who doesn't realize that less is more and this much is excruciatingly painful and downright goofy.

This 15 page script is about 8 or 9 minutes filmed and should also be 8 or 9 pages in length.

I'm literally shocked no one else called you out on any or all of the absolutely corny, cheese filled writing.

Sorry if this seems harsh or mean spirited, but I seriously wanted to make a point here, because this is not the way to go about writing a script.

I think it’s a mistake to have the character reference your asides (the candy house) unless you’re going for comedy.

The ‘getting to know each other’ seemed a little rushed, especially considering the “probably run by a rapist” comments.

Considering Patricia is the one who tried to buy a bunch of stuff without having the money, her offense is off-putting, and strange since she seemed friendly with him at first. The conflict between them feels forced. I don’t buy that she would drive away without fully investigating what Ray said.

Alright, first off, this is longer than it needs to be. I don’t think Patricia should’ve left the gas station. It just opens up a whole host of questions that are tough to answer; mostly revolving around who this MAN is and what he’s doing. i think the structure is here for an exciting story, but the execution was very over the top for me. If I had to pinpoint why, I’d say it’s because you were trying to force Patricia and Ray into some sort of relationship (the dick joke at the end is completely off-tone and unrealistic).

I’d just let them be natural. Her first assumption is he’ll be a creeper. Let that assumption stick around. As is, they ping pong back and forth emotionally in a way I can’t imagine real people would. The dialogue has a lot of on the nose issues like, “I’m gonna save you both. It was my fault. I’m gonna fix it.” or “She’s gonna fall”. Who was she saying that to? The guy punching her in the face.

The physics of the fight also seemed wonky. When the Man clotheslined her, and the gun just happened to fly out the window, it seemed comical. Most people would actually be able to hold onto it, let alone keep it from flying across the room and out a window.

Anyway, it’s a good effort and something to work with, but this version was a little to “balls out” for me.

"You never know when or where the gay positioning system is gonna take a shit on you."
Patricia is a delicate little thing, isn't she?
To Ray, with whom she's been flirting:  "No I don't, asshole, or I would've paid you. You know what, take back the bag. I don't want your shit anymore."
What a sweetie pie.

Anyhow -- I'm not going to pile on here, given what's been said. Just a couple of random thoughts.

1. Didn't Ray tell her he'd already called the cops? Most people wouldn't jump out of bed and drive back there. At most, they would call the police again (she did) to make sure they had gone.
2. Ray had his tendons cut. Seems like he would be in agony.
3. Hard to imagine this woman getting Ray into the wheelbarrow without a lot of trouble. On top of that, she puts him in the car.
4. She ends with another charming comment -- that she likes his penis because it looks like a wheelbarrow handle. How thoughtful of her to say that.
5. What happened to the rattlesnake? When the car drives over, the snake has "vanished." I thought maybe it got up into the Camry.

This one really wasn't doing much for me. The whole thing at the store (which is, apparently, its name) was just them arguing and saying the exact same thing over and over again. You easily could've dropped two pages of banter from that. Then, with the stuff at the motel, it almost felt like Joy.Ride and not the good part of it. Kind of an all-around disappointing entry.

D+.

Why no page numbers? That's annoying. Really annoying.

"A NURSE with a kind face looks down to us. She speaks words we can’t hear, then puts an oxygen mask on our face." -- So I'm in your story? Not just reading it? Not a fan of that...at all. You need to paint a visual image that I can picture as I read, not make me one of the characters.

I like Patricia's description.

Patricia speaks to the camera. It's going to be one of those. Okay. I like those quirky types of things...if they're done well...

"A pristine sign spells :" Welcome traveler." All seem odd and out of place like a candy house in the middle of the forest." GREAT description.

By Patricia's second bit of dialog spoken to the camera...I don't like her. She's annoying.

"As if she is a spirit and his words summoned her, A 6 years old appears at the door. " -- I like it but we're only a few pages in and this type of writing is going to slow your story down. I think it's okay to throw in some of these unfilmable passages, but if you have too many it's just a waste of good words.

On page whatever, easy going, wise cracking Patricia calls Ray an asshole because he wants her to pay? She says she's good for it? I think Patricia is a total asshole. Hope she gets killed.

On page whatever, Ray says very calmly that his tendons are cut. I don't know...I imagine that would be pretty Gdamned painful. Maybe show that...

Well..this went on too long, IMO. And I think that talking to the camera in the opening doesn't work because we never saw it again.

You have good writing skills but for screenwriting it's way too wordy.

Interesting entry though. One I'll remember.

I thought that for the most part this was a fairly well written suspense piece.  My biggest problem was the length. It seemed to go on for far too long -- the first scene at the store was  pretty good, but Patricia is not a likable character. Marnie says she hopes she killed. I'm with her.  And doesn't Patricia die? What was all that at the beginning if she didn't?

Some of the action lines were very well done, but I think what happened here is that you were writing and writing, anything that came into your head as the story progressed, and you didn't have an edit button to press. Either that, or you didn't go back and edit before submitting because you were rushed for time.

Still, it was a crackin' good story - one we've seen before but still well told.

Gary

In short. Ridiculously over-written. Dreamscale has summed up my thoughts perfectly so I needn't repeat. I stopped reading here:

Quoted Text NANCY (V.O.) Get me out of here.

I gave it my best effort, but late at night I had to stop. I think you can write, but this feels rushed.

Hitched

No page numbers..................

I like the opening.

The plot that somebody drives through nowhere without calculating the No.1 of important things to look for "fuel consumption", even if often done before, is unrealistic and feels constructed because of that. You can do it differently.

About her money she doesn't know too. Out of that she's pretty unfriendly.

Okay, lots of action in the end.

It was heavily overwritten; the descriptions were far too metaphorical and distracted me from the picture. Also the characters' interactions and several plots didn't work for me.

Partly there was a nice flow and an interesting dark mood of a redemption story but it wasn't precise and lost me from time to time again.

Too long and too much of a feature style. Characters' interactions didn't work.

@ how did the opening work now? I don't see a connection since she has blown the man's head away... there's no connection

Where’s the copyright? If this turns out to be good, then I’m stealing this as my own.

Fade to black one more time and I’m bailing. On the bright side, I don’t mind this opening as it’s different and more effective than sunlight shining through blinds.

The Nurse sounds more like a motivation speaker than in the medical profession.

“EXT. DESERTED ROAD - DAY

A rattlesnake slithers on the dusty asphalt. It vanishes as a zooming Camry passes over it.”

This could be the definition of a cliché line except the Camry – more a Mustang normally. I’m not trying to knock it – more that I suffer the same affliction really. Cliche lines and me go hand in hand.

“seems to be fast” Seems? Or maybe it is, but that’s impossible of course.

"All the single ladies" So it’s one of those stories – girl power!

“Hauntingly beautiful” No idea what this means? Well, she’s beautiful but to what degree… is hauntingly, right?

lip-sync champion. Wait a damn minute! There are plenty of them around and she’s actually singing – well, the dialogue is telling me she is.

“She dangerously dances to the rhythm” You’re just having fun with me now. Dangerously dances – this sounds like Michael Jackson.

“then downshifts gears to slow down.” So this is where I’m going wrong. So you have to downshift to slow down – I’ve been putting my foot on the brake.

“cell cellphone” I’m beginning to think you’re doing this on purpose.

Talking to the camera? It could work, but the dialogue needs to be more realistic, and it feels rather superfluous as
we know her situation already. She could have pointed to a gas station on the map and we would have understood.

“like the tongue of a hanged man.” Sorry but I have no idea – it can’t be an actual tongue.

“A cutting-edge vending machine.” Now that’s interesting – I’m hoping to find out why it’s cutting-edge.

“Patricia rings the bell on the counter twice.” Looks like they skimped on the counter – no cutting-edge items here.

You’re repeating things, and that tells me there isn’t a lot of story here.

“Patricia smiles. She likes him.” I hope to meet this Patricia in a bar one day – doesn’t take much to impress her, I’m in with a great chance.

“Ray processes her stuff.” A delicate way to put it.

“I'm Patricia by the way.” Excellent, this is how I go about getting gas as well or getting anything actually. I’m Steve and can I buy this milk today.

“You talk like a New Yorker.” He’s said like 15 words – how can you know this. He didn’t sound like one to me but I’m not from New York – anybody from the area care to chime in? Do you talk like good old Ray?

“Ray puts Patricia’s things in a bag.” What things? Was the cigarettes etc all hers before? I thought they were already there? You didn’t say anything about her picking these items up unless I missed it.

“I know, right. This smart monkey gets a lot of practice around here.” Does that mean he was lying about not being busy before – I don’t trust this guy at all.

“Ok, I don't have enough on me. I need to get the rest from my car.” Now I don’t trust Patricia. Actually, what’s happening – have we really just spent a few pages reading about Patricia buying gas.

“No I don't, asshole, or I would've paid you.” Yeah, this definitely reminds me of women I’ve met – they can turn in an instant – especially when you ask them to buy you a drink.

“She pulls its slider back to check if there is a bullet in the chamber. There is.” Good girl – just like a pro. Maybe I didn’t give her enough credit.

“She looks back.” Face palm. Women never listen. Gave me a chuckle anyway.

And she’s still looking back! What concerns me more is Ray – There’s a fucking man with a fucking hatchet in your back seat. But he should also be saying… there’s a fucking crazy bitch that doesn’t listen who’s carrying a fucking glock.

“Ray fumbles through his brain” Sounds painful. I hope this story delivers a twist because it needs it.

“Ray's half angry, half scared face.” This would be hard to pull off unless he’s the Batman villain Two-Face.

“She puts on her pajamas” Nudity?

“It's the news. She mutes it” Everyone be honest – as soon as you saw this line, you know she’s turning around when there’s something on the news about an escaped convict or mental patient.

(into the cellphone) Do you really need to do this – it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve said and were not going to suddenly think her mom is in the room.

Another fade to black – I’ve made it this far so I might as well see the black coat maniac cut this bitch up.

“doing a 110 miles per hour,” Is this the max speed of the Camry or is she sticking to the speed limit?

“The speedometer maxes out.” 111 miles per hour?

“Patricia, on foot, points her gun down as she walks” So glad you told me she was on foot otherwise I would have thought she would be walking in the car. She needs to raise her gun as well, no point pointing it at the floor.

“She kisses his cheek.” Please cut this – there is no way she’s kissing a strangers cheek through guilt and if I was Ray, I’d be like “fuck the kiss, cut these ropes.”

She left the office without Ray answering her question. Think Ray, think! She then leaves. Huh?

So Nancy’s in her bedroom closet – this maniac wasn’t very good at hide and seek was he?

So let me get this straight – Patricia had to leave the office to get the wheelbarrow and then bring it back. What happened to the hatchet man outside the room? Did he just give up waiting for them to come out?

“She hoists him up, opens the car door, and puts him inside.” And now Patricia is as strong as a bear – “all the single ladies” and all that.

“It’s a good hiding place.” It’s terrible unless I’ve got it wrong. She’s in the closet behind some tiny hangers.

“Like lightening, she bolts upright, clocking THE MAN with a headbutt that sounds like thunder.” There’s a theme to this line – lighting, bolts and thunder.

What page am I on – I’ve just realized this doesn’t have page numbers. It feels long for what it is.

RUN! “Get to the chopper” Man, I love Predator.

“Patricia shakes her head.” I really can’t blame her – for the first time, I feel sympathy for her because this Nancy is one stupid kid. Or maybe I was wrong, the gun was there all along – she took her time though.

“THE MAN cocks his hatchet.” Huh?

“You hitched the wrong ride, motherfucker.” Let of some steam, Bennett. Man, I love Commando, and the quip you have here – well deserved – girl power!

“A while after the credit starts rolling.” A while? How long is that?

Didn’t like that comedic ending. A few questions, what was the beginning about? Was Patricia that bad after her injuries that her heart gave out? Who was the shirtless MAN? Was that Ray?

An entertaining second half saved what was a ponderous first six pages – I’m not going to say I liked this because it was cliché as hell as some of these stories are. For pure entertainment and fun, it delivered in the second half although I would admit that I think some of it was unintentional.

I had issues with the writing as well but a lot can be easily solved in a re-write – some clumsy lines came of humorous so it may give me an idea of the author. That’s not the problem here though, it’s more that this story had no twist or different spin and for that, it was a pretty tame effort. On the bright side and like I’ve said before, it was an entertaining last act so kudos for that. If this has delivered some kind of twist to the tale then it would have been a lot better.

I would try and get to the story sooner, the first half is wasted as it doesn’t tell us much about the characters at all – we could have learnt all that we did in one page easily. At least it stuck to the core of the story – women are all powerful and always kill the bad guys in these type of horrors.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Title goes about two inches down from top of page, not centered.
WhereTH are your page numbers? Are you plugging in everything manually?!
If so, quit it. Get an editor.
Glocks really aren’t oiled or well oiled, it’s called a slide not slider, and one check to see if the pistol is “chambered.”
Weenie details aside, I like the way you write and create character dynamics. Very nice.
Alrighty, well… You’ve got some good scenario fundamentals. I dunno where Patricia Action Jackson came from, which I’m all for but it seems a bit thin that she’d put herself in harm’s way for the motivation given.
Figure out a better reason why the generic urban terminator would cut Ray’s achilles instead of his throat.
And ditch that last part. It’s just stupid.
Also, I fail to understand how the title relates to the story.

Zipped through this one dying to know who was the creep, Patricia or Ray.
Nancy's one-liner "Get me out of here" was pretty spooky.
Very well written.
The intrigue and curiosity of who was the bad guy was amazing. Bit disappointed that it turned out to be a real killer. Maybe tighten a bit by cutting out Patricia talking to the camera, and make Patricia or Ray the monster after all. It really could go either way...
Well done.

Thanks for all the feedback, folks. There is one thing I want to clarify. The opening scene was supposed to convey the end of an abusive relation ship between Patricia and the shirtless man who almost killed her in that incident. But I guess I was too subtle. I should have made it clear. That relation is what made Patricia a little aggressive later with Ray.

When she told the Mania to "Get off" was supposed to show the moment when Patricia learns not to take the abuse and there is always enough strength inside her to fight back.

I always suffer the problem thinking that people should understand something while I really didn't explain it enough.

P.S. the title and the alias I used on the title page is an anagram for Alfred Hitchcock