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Strained Relations by John Clark, Jr. - Short, Drama, Horror - A long-suffering husband hopes to save his marriage while on an anniversary trip to Las Vegas, but is it too late? - pdf, format
This felt a little too simple to me, just a straightforward revenge tale.
And the twist just didn't work as I've no idea how he got him under the bed with no one knowing, and also none of the maids who clean the room spot it either?
Wasn't sure what the relevance of the pre-nup document was either?
On the positive side there was some decent interplay between them and the relationship felt real to me.
The beginning was a bit slow for me - but it ended with a bang. Very nice job on Joe's dialogue once his demented side is revealed. Really liked his tone.
A few nits:
Quoted Text
She shares a coffee with CHRIS CORDEN, 20s, slick back hair and ripped jeans. The kinda guy that likes to tell people his name’s spelt “Kris” because he thinks it’s cool.
Don't think you need this.
Quoted Text
Roxy inspects the clock on the wall, and without warning, she grabs the mug from Joe.
You had this problem in a couple of areas - you don't need the extra "she"
Good story - I think it needs to be tightened up a bit - but overall a solid effort.
You call Joe a she on the first page, which sets the tone really. Also, "The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?", I'm not much to rap on asides but that doesn't make much sense. What would slipping on a pair of glasses mean to the audience? I can't see any relation, is he trying to look smart or...
Anyway. A few typos and mistakes, some very very easy to pick up, it's almost like it wasn't read over.
Also, don't replace every comma with a double dash, it doesn't read as well as you think.
As for the story, not a fan unfortunately. You drag it on too long, and I wouldn't call the twist obvious, but I knew if it was headed in that direction, I wouldn't enjoy it. Again, mostly because I feel you can tell the same story in half the page length, without the chatter and the repetitiveness. The script needs to have a little more meat than there is now. Needs work as a revenge story.
This was well written in the main, though the villainy exposition at the end was a tad unwelcome.
Unfortunately this suffered greatly from the same trouble that has plagued this whole OWC for me:
Urban Legends became Urban Legends because the stories were interesting and were repeated over and over. So all the stories are the very definition of cliche, but they are short, focused and usually have a witty punchline.
What we're seeing in this OWC, over and over again, is a well-known story that's extended beyond all decency, and modified to fit the theme and in the process we end up with a final product that's still completely derivative but unfortunately no where near as punchy as the original story it was based on.
It was a very, very difficult challenge and each and every story I've read so far has been fundamentally sabotaged by it.
Beginning is a bit confusing. Who is “she”? “The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?” IDK, who?
Might be good to make Roxy and Chris more subtle about it. The more obvious their affair is, the more Joe looks like an idiot. I was confused with all the anniversary talk, but finally realized a POSTnuptial Agreement is what you want that paper to say if they’re already married.
I like the attempts to characterize the couple. I still think less is more, but their troubles with the room and with each other built pretty good. I like the decision to give them a moment of hope before the dark conclusion. As for the conclusion, I could tell Chris would come back into it, but I wasn’t sure how. I suspected he might have killed himself accidentally by trying to break into their hotel room, and that his appearance would reveal the affair somehow.
I was underwhelmed with what did happen. It seems too convoluted for something so simple. A man wants to kill his wife and her cheating lover. That’s simple. But killing Chris, driving to Las Vegas, sneaking his body into the hotel, spending a few more nights with his wife despite knowing exactly what he’s going to do to her, and finally killing her in such a way that it’ll be obvious that he did it… I couldn’t understand why it would go down like that.
Just spitballing, but… what if Roxy went to Vegas specifically because she knows Joe would never go with her, and her intention is to meet Chris there. He doesn’t show, but the smell does. It would give Joe a plausible shot at making it look like a murder suicide. Maybe Joe went to surprise her and found Chris. Maybe he knew all along. Maybe he lies under the bed for three days with the dead body waiting for Roxy to find them like a proper psychopath should.
Pretty good effort, but a few too many holes for me.
Cool - I like this one!! Well written, dark. Of course, I saw immediately where it was going when the smell was mentioned. But I can forgive that, because the execution was so smooth. (Yes, there are typos. But it's an OWC - so that's forgiveable too.) Nice work, Anonymous writer!!!
Yep, prolly the best one for me so far. Ok, it was kind of obvious how it was gonna go down at the end but still well told and well wriiten.
And um, yeah, the pre-nup ref confused me too. For a tick I thought they weren't actually married yet and were going to Begas to do the deed. I guess we will find out in the reveal.
Defies logic unless Joe wants to get caught, but who cares, this was very enjoyable to read.
If you want to up this to the next level however I'd develop it further and concoct something really clever so our antihero escapes unscathed, and it's all pinned on Roxy. As is, all of it points to him. Roxy's the evil unfaithful one after all and would get her just desserts.
I reckon that montage should be a Series of Shots instead, and I'd make it short n sweet.
The fact you have (CONT’D) between character dialogue makes me think you're not an SS regular, and are perhaps newish to script writing - unless you're giving us a bum-steer. ??
A few wrongens including:
shock at what’s she seeing what she's seeing
and: ... if had been a model
Don't know what the others are going on about with: The smile drops -- who’s he kidding? I got that perfectly. Least I think I did. He smiles in the mirror, then she's hounding him - who's he kidding even trying to put on a smile. Everything's not happy home-maker.
Oh, and I wasn't fond of Roxy smashing glasses and the whole trashing the room bit. Seemed like a bit of overkill imh, notwithstanding she's a spoiled little miss.
This is a great moment: 'It would explain why he hasn't texted you back'.
For entertainment value alone this was very enjoyable but I do think you could make it even more ingenious.
Very good take on spinning the original urban legend.
As soon as I saw they were headed to Las Vegas, I knew this was going to be the body under the mattress tale, so no surprises there. Unfortunately I just couldn't get past the numerous gaps in logic in this script. If he was going to kill Chris, why do it in Vegas and hide the body in a room that is directly tied to him? How is it even remotely possible that, once the smell was noticed, the housekeeping staff wouldn't notice a big ol' dead body under the bed -- twice? The writing itself was pretty good, but the complete lack of suspense and aforementioned logic issues killed the read for me.
I read the legend. It's a nice spin on the legend and I do think you left the essence of it in here.
The scene in the house - Roxy with Chris - doesn't ring true for me. How's they are drinking coffee... and the husband sees them and he's kind of not okay with that... but says "what again are you doing here with my wife". She tells him he's her personal trainer. That's too much in my opinion. I understand that every family is different but this is very different.
Yet he has the courage to kill the guy and get the body to Vegas. I'm thinking he did all this for alibi purposes? But killing her in Vegas as well - they'll capture him... so no alibi - he was with her and then she disappeared.
I think it would be good if not the long part in the middle. The dialog gets repetitive for me and the fact that they are looking for the smell - they are doing it for too long - that gives away the ending.
I think he could kill him and not her. And maybe you could show her gagged and tied in the closet or something, wrapped in the blanket. The maids clean up yet can't see her. And his VO telling her why he had to kill Chris but spared her (and he didn't spare her, he tied and gagged her and she's going to die eventually and the smell would get much worse) Just a thought.
The stuff in the middle stands in the way of the read. Otherwise it's a solid story.
the characters are a bit cliche. The story follows the legend, and that's fine. I'm guessing the maids would notice the smell. Not quite enough twist for me. Joe doesnt demonstrate the kind of anger needed for this. Still, it's reasonable.
Oh man, looks like another "witty writer" here who is giong to go all out to impress us with their witty writing and asides. I don't know what's happened in the writing world, but this "trend" is just awful.
Why is there a period after "50"?
And right on cue, here's the double dashes...
Is Joe a he or a she? Maybe he's a heshe? LOL...
This first aside is just plain groan indusing.
OMG, the asides are coming fast and furious. I'm begining to wonder if 1 writer wrote like 3 or 4 scripts here, as these cheesy asides are in multiple scripts, and they're really bringing my mood down quickly.
Dialogue is very cheesy and unrealistic, sorry to say.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but I thought they wre going to Vegas for their Anniversary, right? What's a Prenup Agreement doing here if they're already married?
I skimmed to the end, as the actual writing was irritating me.
This is way overblown and completely unbeleivable. The dialogue is laughable - completely unbelievable. The stuff at the Palozzo is also redonkulous, but is so simple to research to ake it believable.