When the smell business came up, I knew it was going to be a body, probably Chris.  And I didn't even know the legend.

Two cleaning crews come in, but nobody can figure out the body's under the bed? Doesn't fly.

What in the world would Joe hope to accomplish with this elaborate no-win scheme? I guess it doesn't have to make sense. He's psychotic.

Nice that Joe and Roxy spent the night in bed with stinking Chris right there underneath. Some possibility there for quite a scene.

Strained relations

He/she issue in first bit.

Ok, so they have a failing marriage with a less than obvious affair going on. Actually, that came across as a tad off. Seeing the curtains flicker and not doing anything.

What was the prenuptial agreement about?

She wanst to go, and annoyed when he's late, but then happy, but then focused on facebook and clearly not him.

I don't know, I just wasnt buying some of this.

But, I feel there is something in this, with some work

OH I love this story. The writing was very easy to read.

Loved your characters and the subject matter, well most of it, is something that happens in a lot of marriages. I do not really understand why the prenuptial though. I do not think that part was really necessary. I mean it confused me and it sort of shows that his feelings for her/their relationship has changed limiting the shock of your twist at the end.

Good writing. Great little story. One of my favorites. Good job writer!

Terrific tension. Joe and Roxy character-types played well against each other.
Couldn't help wondering how Chris "Kris" got to Las Vegas or how Joe found him.
A few tweaks here and there, and this script would be easy to shoot. The dialogue would be the actors' dream.

I liked it but just couldn't stop thinking...these are the dumbest maids in the world. They couldn't track the smell to the mattress? Besides that, it was a good story.

What was up with the pre-nup agreement? I didn't understand that part.

Good writing on display here. Easy to read.

Nice work for this OWC.

STRAINED RELATIONS

I think the room maids must have found the corpse

Hmm, so Joe Lewis has a life imprisonment coming next but he feels fine.

Sorry, the whole plotting does not work for me here.

I liked the setting very much, I liked the dialogue too
but the story felt throughout illogical constructed to me.

Some typo's (calling Joe a she made me laugh) but overall very well-written. I loved the way you wrote him knowing she's cheating and not being bothered to do anything about it.

What the hell is the deal with the pre-nup? Didn't grasp that at all.

The writing being solid kept it moving at a nice enough pace but the moment the smell appears in the script then it's time to wrap up ASAP. From then on it's extremely obvious and the longer it goes on the more irritating it gets.

The problem with this is, the maids not finding the body. I mean, really... They didn't check under the bed? Not only that though, they were sent up numerous times. Something as simple as showing that the maids were lazy or that they lied to their boss and didn't in fact check would've helped immensely.

Sadly I didn't care for the ending either. Joe's little monologue after Roxy finds the body is pretty redundant.

Quoted Text JOE (CONT’D) I’ve had what some Doctors would call a psychotic break... I think. Let’s keep it simple, that would be best, don’t ya think? Joe retrieves some WIRE from his bag and rises... JOE (CONT’D) Simply... I’m pissed off! Roxy immediately glances at Chris, and more importantly, the marks around his neck. Joe approaches Roxy, still very calm with his movements. JOE (CONT’D) I’m angry with my job, appearance but most of all, I’m angry with you. I mean, if had been a model or George fucking Clooney, I could take it, I can’t compete with that... He points at the lifeless body of Chris. JOE (CONT’D) But this mother-fucking greaseball! Give me a break. I ain’t accepting that shit. Well, I did for a little while..

I think you could cut all of that to be honest.


The writing was solid for the most part. Just needs to be more refined.

Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.make
A good, solid submission.
A B C D etc all fell into place right on cue.
Do some homework on what makes a thriller a thriller, apply such to this, and you’ll have gold.
All the right pieces are there, it just needs a little spicing up without anything all that drastic.

Writing style:
Well done.

Quoted Text The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?

The smile drops was enough. Because who's he kidding didn't make much sense to me. Kidding about what? About being happy, lucky, handsome? I know handsome might be the obvious choice, but it still confused me and it wasn't necessary. Less is more.

Quoted Text The kinda guy that likes to tell people his name’s spelt “Kris” because he thinks it’s cool.

Some are gonna give you hell for it, but I don't mind describing character personality. I think sometimes it helps with visualizing him. But I mind it here because Chris didn't have that much screen time or importance to deserve two lines about his personality in the script.

Dialogue:
I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Well done.

Character:
Great job you did by making me root for Joe. It was beautifully done. You also made me hate his wife. But her taking advantage of the wine in the hotel was an overkill. You want the villain to be bad, but not comically bad. There is a fine line that you don't wanna cross or it will sell you out as being desperate just to make the reader hate her at any cost. It will affect the authenticity of your characters and story.

Story:
The pace is my problem. It dragged painfully slow toward the confrontation. There was no reveals, twists, or surprises either. We knew what her relation with Chris was off the bat. We knew the husband plans the moment they caught the smell. So I was waiting for something to surprise me, but I got nothing.

You could have played the suspense card, if she tried to escape, while trying to properly apologize to him every time he caught up to her.

Either that or anything that would save the story from the mortal sin of predictability.

Overall:
You have great talent. But you opted for the easy choices in your story. Predictability is a poison with 100% death rate. No story ever survived it.

Good job and well done.

A few points of logic to clear up, but I really enjoyed this Steve. Would've got my vote for entertainment value alone - just make your main guy a bit more clever so he can get away with it is my advice - pin it on her would be nice.

Quoted from LC A few points of logic to clear up, but I really enjoyed this Steve. Would've got my vote for entertainment value alone - just make your main guy a bit more clever so he can get away with it is my advice - pin it on her would be nice.

Thanks for that, Libby. It’s rare that anybody ever likes my work so this is much appreciated. To be honest, the character wasn’t trying to get away with it at all in my mind, nor be clever. His final act was killing his wife – I guess when he left the hotel, it was time for the “Falling Down” type scenario. Although I must admit that this opens the whole issue of why he would hide them under the bed? I guess because he was crazy... or pissed.

I do like the idea of him being more clever though and pinning the whole murder on the wife. If I ever decided to change this story and re-write it then that probably be the angle I would choose. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts on how to improve the story.