Greets From Counter-Earth by Irina Derevko - Short, Sci Fi - A space probe launched in 1977 named Voyager One, contrary to its original mission of reaching intelligent life far away, returns. - pdf, format

(Revised comments)

Sorry to say this misses the mark.

I do like your idea of using Voyager.

The science is a bit off, though. Voyager only recently left our solar system, which means the same would be true of your "counter" probe. It couldn't reach our Earth in the time frame you specify.

When it  lands near Nicky ( quite a coincidence), she has to go look for blueprints? Why not online?

Professor Kyle sounds like a robot spouting 1990s science.

Other problems, too, but this gives you a sample.

Henry

This wasn't the easiest script to follow and I suspect English may not be your first language?

I did however persevere to the end and thought the idea of the Voyager's crossing in space/time was good one and the final sequence would look good on screen with the multiverse multiplying on screen.

This might work if with a re-write or two.

Anthony

Grandpa/George needed at least a little description (age?)

a few typos.

IMO, the dialogue for the narrator was off the mark. It didn't sound genuine (i.e., not something someone narrating a serious science show would say).

The dual dialogue segment was a bit tedious - one or at the most two repeats of the same line would have done it.

I got lost a bit in the gold shard plot point.

I very much liked the premise of the Voyager being sent back.

Urban Legend: unclear.

In fact, this piece plays around with science fiction and or science theory more than the OWC theme of urban Legends. While I'll give some minor props to the fact that the story makes up an urban legend within the alternate universe, it isn't quite the same thing.

Does the ending not actually support the multiverse theory instead of the counter-earth theory?

Not sure if I understood the ending, not entirely sure if I want to either because the script read really dense. A few obvious mistakes that stood out as well, needed another read for sure.

The whole two Earth angle doesn't really evoke anything here, Another Earth is a film that does it kind of right, but still falls on its ass. Use that as a base for your own script, there's no emotional crutch here, and no relatability either, but of which would at least help the audience connect with something. Needs some work.

Code GEORGE Yeah. Have I told you about the Voyager project? NICKY That spacecraft going nowhere?

OTN. Doesn't come across as realistic dialogue.

I read through it all... but I didn't really understand the point. Is this story saying that the multiverse theory is a fact?

Misses the mark for me.

I must confess I couldn't follow this one.  I didn't get the connection between the returning Voyager probe and the multiverse.  A piece of the golden record just happens to drop at Nicky's feet?  That's some amazing coincidence.  As another poster mentioned,  this is probably written by someone whose first language isn't English, as evidenced by the title "Greets from Counter-Earth."  I thought it was a good idea to go with sci-fi on this challenge, but was this story actually based on an urban legend or just some scientific theory?

greets

aha a space one. i know a writer who likes space.

logline wise i rather like this. nice sense of mystery. lets see…

i like the concept but ti was a bit slow getting there, and i think there is the opportunity of a twist, like they are almost the same, but not quiet etc

as the other earth has been done before in several films i suppose what you should do is to try and find some other angle. has potential

all the best

Interesting concept, and a great way to potentially illustrate it (two Voyagers and two Earths - reaching each other at the same time.)

The writing on this one is pretty rough - probably due in large part to the rush of the OWC.  But it would be worth revisiting this script when all is over, and smoothing and developing this one more!

Cheers and kudos,

J (W)

Hm... I don't know what to make of this one.  It's a good premise, but it's unclear what legend it borrows from, if any.  The interlinking between planets is intriguing and, although I didn't quite understand all of it, I did get a few things about the counter-earth time-warp thingy of them coinciding at a specific juncture.

It's a solid effort, but rather confusing in some portions.

Pretty decent entry though.  A few clean-ups here or there would do it wonders.

This one relies too much on explanations and coincidence.  It sounds as if the little girl is forced into what she does, instead of responding to what is happening.  And there is no real payoff.  so there are multiple verions of her.  Who cares?  If it presented a real problem for her and for earth, well, now you have some conflict.  It matters.  

Best
Richard

Well, looking at the title, I have to wonder if it's a misspelled typo, a slang, or...WTF?

As I dove in, it became very clear this was written by an immature, probably young kid, who doesn't speak or write English, as their primary language.

But, I read the whole thing.

Commenting on the hundreds of mistakes on the pages is useless.

Commenting on the fact that this isn't even based on an RL is also useless.

Commenting on the countless redonkulous plot points, inane dialogue, and whacky story is also useless.

But you know what?  It's rather cute how it wraps up, and leaves a nice, child-like feeling in my heart, so kudos on that.  

This one was all right. It was all over the place and the dialogue was rough, in places. I was kind of wondering if, before writing this, you had watched the The X-Files episode, "SB 819" which has a scene very similar to the opening of this. In that, they're even listening to that record, as well. However, what you have isn't an urban legend which is disappointing because I think this could be pretty good on its own.

C.

I was down with this. The subject matter interests me and I was enjoying the read. The end left me a little underwhelmed because I was expecting an alternate universe riff rather than a repeated one. Like I thought maybe the gold record would come back, but have different music. An alternate Beethoven's 9th would be a neat thing to have fall from the sky. To me the intriguing thing about the multiverse is the little differences between them. As was mentioned, Another Earth does a good job in grounding those possibilities in something emotional. There’s a hint of that with the Grandfather, but I could’ve used something stronger.

Love the space theme, and Nicky is very appealing.
Interesting material. This story would make a terrific feature. Most likely the limited number of pages prohibits being able to fully flesh out subplots.
So many visual aspects will keep anyone's attention.

No description or age for George?

Page 1, the dialog is very stiff, and rushed. It needs to flow naturally.

Well, I liked the story. But IMO the dialog throughout needs to be more natural. And Nicky was cardboard. Give her some life, some personality.

Good structure though. With some work this could be really good.

Not my cup of tea. Some of the writing was clunky and I wasn't entirely sure what was going on. I have virtually no knowledge of space or anything close to what this script was about and as a result couldn't enjoy anything about it. Not sure what the UL is either. Doppelgangers?

Judging by the logline, this is gonna be a painful read. Not because it's bad, but because it confused the fuck out of me.

I liked the setup with granddad and the girl but I got lost pretty quickly after that. I read to the end but didn't understand much of it.  Sci-Fi is one of the few genres I cannot read/watch so I'm not saying it's bad, but it's not for me

Very low budget

I had a tough time following this one, maybe it's my lack of fondness for Sci-Fi but I did try

Not sure if this is an Urban Legend.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

Awkward writing from the get-go but I like the enthusiasm – some peeps are going to hate this but it’s a lot better than some of the beginnings in this OWC.

“Farther than any music?” What the hell is he talking about?

“The walls (of the hobby room) are full of astronomy photos” We know this information from the slug-  just a little way to tighten your action.

“From the central dish antenna several metallic installations stick far out into dark space.” This is the picture, right? You’re losing me a bit at the moment.

“You know, when I was your age, I used to think about a solar system such as ours, and that there might be another I waving back at me.” He’s allowed to think that now as well if he wants – has he given up all hope of everything he believed in?

“He smiles as he caught Nicky wave goodnight to the night sky.” A bit clumsy – “as Nicky waves to the night sky” would read better.

“a wormhole would let us reach further away places.” Somebody has just watched Interstellar.

“tips her pen onto a notepad.” So she was using a pc tablet before and now in the future – it’s a pen and notepad?
Has the human race declined technology wise? Maybe this is a trait of Nicky’s but that is the case, then she would be using a pen and notepad when younger.

Oh please! The golden record just happened to land beside Nicky – I’m not buying into this, and to be honest – this is another one that’s gone straight over my head.

Liked the Brady Bunch moment at the end but this story as a whole – I didn’t follow it, or understand it. I like Sci-fi but not the preachy, nothing happens type and that’s what this felt like.  Sorry but this one missed the mark for me.

Well written.
Middle school level understanding of basic science, however the story is quite pleasing in its gentle nature - a welcome relief from the counter-dearth of steady horror submissions.
A fave film of mine for its similar construct and execution is ‘Contact’, which this felt a lot like as I read it.
‘Upside Down’ is another similar film except the audience should just embrace a departure from known physics and just roll with the given universe. It also has this “kind” approach, so you’re obviously in good company.

Not sure if this is an urban legend -- and it reads like a shooting script -- but I liked it.

However, Kyle's dialogue is just one huge block of text. And for some reason, I can't copy and paste it properly.

Code       KYLE So, here we can see how the theory of parallel universes or nowadays called the multiverse gave a completely new insight about room. Unfortunately, we're once again getting smaller as we already thought we are. Maybe we would have to find a passageway such as the recent science fiction interpretation of wormholes. A spaceship going through a passageway could reach places far beyond our imagination. The problem of reaching light speed would be gone.

???

But at the end of the day, it's a OWC and it's about the story above all else. I got an Another Earth/Interstellar "tesseract" vibe with the parallel universes. With a little more tightening up, this could go from a good script to a great one.

A- and consider.

Writing style:
Some errors here and there but I was able to imagine the scenes just fine.

Dialogue:
It was alright in most parts. Some lines were a bit on the nose. Like:

Code We send the Voyager to reach them. So did they -- They send the Voyager to reach us.

Characters:
They were a bit flat. I didn't get to see them act or react in a unique or interesting way.

Story:
It was a scientific peace of fiction, but there was no drama or emotion to it. It was just about the possibility of counter-earths. No more no less. The story has to engage us both intellectually and emotionally. This is why in "Interstellar" the father daughter relation was crucial. It saved the movie from being soulless.

Overall:
You got potentials. Try to work harder to make your story compelling. Make us care for the characters on a human level. We can't care for myths and science. We can only care for lively beings.

Good luck.