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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Bitch's Revenge - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Bitch's Revenge - OWC  (currently 4659 views)
RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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this one reads fine.  The accident seems too coincidental.  Gym accident instead?  Might be even more dynamic if the dog manages to regurgitate the finger for Tyler, instead of at the vet's.  That could leave Tyler and Jen in the house, the finger on the floor between them.  What to do?

Best
Richard
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khamanna
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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It's a nice read.

The only thing is - Jen is pretty hard to root for. She's not a good person from the very beginning - she's rude to Millie, that's not good.

About the ending - it could be clearer. Jen fed Heather to Millie I guess and made it look like Millie ate Heather. Or that Tyler killed Heather and Millie dug her up - not sure between the two.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Once again, I didn't know this legend.  I prefer not to. Makes it easier to judge a story on its own merits. Is a given script a success independently? Or a contrived exercise for the OWC.

I'd say this one stands on its own two feet.

The writing is pretty good.

I like the part where Millie wants out, in, and out ( very familiar), and Jen finally turns her loose completely. This leads to Heather, etc etc.

I suppose the title is perfect, but I don't like it. It's too perfect.

I'd like more time taken with the discovery of the finger and reveal of the ruby ring. The script seems front-heavy in that regard -- more time given to beginning and middle than to the important final section.

Henry



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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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BITCH'S REVENGE

Nice conflict on p2.

I'm astounded by the mistake on p7 when the text should be originally coming from Tyler's phone. This script felt so clean and well-structured. Let's not make a tragedy from it...

Okay in the end it was clear where it's going.

I think the ending is too vague. Who has to take the consequences now? I guess the truth will come out because Tyler has a strong alibi. Maybe you should search for another punch line here to round it up.

I just don't know if the dog's performance/acting eventually is too complicated to accomplish for the screen. One of my favorites so far, definitely. Nice title too.



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KPM
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Choked on my coffee when I read Jen threaten to hurt Millie "again." So cheating with Heather doesn't make Tyler a terrific husband, but don't take it out on the poor doggie.

Think the story could end with Millie licking Tyler's face. Up to that point, it's very clear what Jen did. Still think Jen deserves to be punished somehow. She's some nasty beeatch...

Well done.
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c m hall
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Very good effort, good dialogue, great dog.

Jen's "You want me to beat the shit out of you again" line dooms her for me, so, real emotion evoked from the reader.  

This would be a good film.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  February 20th, 2015, 3:41pm
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EWall433
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this wins my vote for favorite logline. Story was pretty good too. It managed to utilize elements of it’s ULs without simply being a retelling. Wish I could say something that hasn’t been said already, but it’s been pretty well covered. Jen’s definitely a grade-A bitch who deserves a better comeuppance. Right now whatever happens to her happens off screen so it seems anti-climactic.

Also I highly doubt you can steal someone’s SIM card, put it in your phone and start texting people from a new number, so you probably want to keep Tyler’s actual phone intact.

But that aside, nice work
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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So the married couple share a dog but this dog wants Jen out the picture. If this is such a common problem then why not just close the bedroom door, or better yet – keep the dog outside.

“floor right below him.” I’m glad you cleared that up – I thought it could have been the floor above him.

I guess you’re showing that Jen is the real bitch with the way she talks to the dog.

“you’re a total dick look” – how does that go again? Squinty eyes, or something. I can’t remember, it’s been a while since I’ve done this look. People always give me “You’re a total prat” look which I think differs a little.

Tyler’s not going down too well, either. I’m definitely rooting for Millie at this point.

“You want me to beat the shit out of you again?” Yeah, this is taking a bit far for me but maybe this story is going to get darker. I understood that Jen was unhappy, but this sounds like she’s more psychotic than angry.

Yes, of course Tyler got hurt at the gym or on his way there – this tragic event is going to bring Millie and Jen together?

lay – lay vs lie. A couple of times now, but I’m guessing someone would have mentioned it already.

“large bandage.” I wonder what happened to his leg to just have a large bandage? Obviously it’s big, but not something broken - I hope we find out.

I thought he was fighting sleep? Jen is letting him sleep?  

“blood spattered shirt” But no torn pants or shorts? His leg is in a large bandage – maybe he was… no, he surely wasn’t…

“His eyelids begin to close. He mumbles.” Oh, now I get the comment about sleep above. For some reason, I thought he was unconscious. That could be clearer at the start of the scene.

“Do you know that bitch almost bit my fingers off today?” Of course he doesn’t! Should this be a question?

How frustrating – he fell asleep during her rant.

Jen should have just left Millie outside and gone in another room – it’s not like Millie can scratch paint off the glass door.

Wasn’t Millie growling at Jen – why would she then let Jen attach her lead? I guess she’s desperate for a walk and will take anyone.

I’m really confused by this kitchen? So you have a sliding door that opens to garden, and a door that opens to the front of the house? That’s one big kitchen or the house is sideways on – it’s just really confusing. Why did Jen attach the lease to just release it straight away – seems unnecessary? Why not just open the door and let Millie run?

Peaks – peeks . A few missing words as well but that’s expected in a OWC.

“dog sprint down the road.” Are we still in the kitchen?

“Two houses down,” But she was sprinting, that hardly seems worth it.

“HEATHER JAMES (20), long blonde hair and beautiful with a sweet innocence about her” Oh yes, this the perfect person for the role and very man’s dream. I’m not buying into this at all.

“That cheating mother fucker.” Tyler or Millie?

Is there any other room in the O’Shea house?

Is Tyler stupid?! Well, obviously – you do not leave the messages on the phone, and it’s worse that he left them saved them on the sim card.

What just happened? Have we skipped a scene? It’s suddenly day in the kitchen.

“into the other room.” So there is another room and that probably means another door – that makes 3 so far.

“Millie isn’t with him.” Did Tyler forget her? How strange.

“Millie at his side.” Oh, the police brought her, or she was waiting in the back room having a cigarette.

You really didn’t need the forensics scene – we got what had happened. It would have made more sense to end with Millie licking Tyler IMO.

I didn’t care for this one I’m afraid – hated all the characters, even Millie and I like dogs. Started promising with the hate relationship between Millie and Jen building but then that went nowhere really.  Once we found out about the beautiful and innocent neighbour that Tyler was shacking up with (who can blame him) this nose-dived quick and the ending fell flat.

The problem is that the Tyler/Jen relationship isn’t given enough time to develop, as you spend so much time setting up the rift between Millie and Jen which isn’t necessary when all is said and done. I was also a little disappointed with

Jen and her ending – she took Tyler home and then left – didn’t she want to extract revenge on him. It would have been better if Millie coughed up that finger at home and then Tyler sees the ruby ring but it’s too late. And that would only work if you were able to keep it a little mysterious which is impossible in some ways.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Bitches revenge... nice title

I enjoyed this, although the accident however it happened was basically a missing link.

Also I don't believe you can actually take a sim card and put it in another phone. You would have to contact the carrier because it's a different serial number... in other words, Jen would not have being able to text Heather from Tyler's number using her own phone... just saying

The writing itself was pretty strong and I enjoyed the twist. I guess Jen disappeared.

Well done


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DebbieM
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. this was very good.  Action lines were great and it moved really fast.
Aah Jen, She's so unlikable I feel sorry for Tyler having to put with her.
I would say put more drama in it around the accident, since it happened really quick. but then it's just a short so i guess it works the way it is.
Great work!
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was great. Pretty much nothing I disliked except maybe the title, for me "Too Many Bitches" could have worked, or just simply "The Bitch", as it could apply to all three.

While I have no idea what UL this pertains to, it is one of the few that I can see working as a short film. Easy to visualize, quick to read and really well characterised, even if Jen is completely heinous. I dunno if its what you were going for or not but nobody is likeable. Not even Millie.

One of the only problems I had when reading was on page 7. I think something has to happen between these two moments:


Quoted Text
In the darkness she rummages through a drawer, the stands
against the wall, next to the door.

INT. O’SHEA HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Millie sits by the door. Suddenly, her ears perk up.

She jumps up, looks through the window, watches as Jen helps
Tyler up the steps.


I had to read it a couple of times. Maybe it is just me, and I'm dumb but something to show that time had passed from that night. Visually it'd be fine but within the script, I was a bit "Wait what?" because she was at the door, then nothing.

Other than that I really enjoyed it. Well done!
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Bitches revenge... nice title

I enjoyed this, although the accident however it happened was basically a missing link.

Also I don't believe you can actually take a sim card and put it in another phone. You would have to contact the carrier because it's a different serial number... in other words, Jen would not have being able to text Heather from Tyler's number using her own phone... just saying

The writing itself was pretty strong and I enjoyed the twist. I guess Jen disappeared.

Well done


You can text from another phone with your sim card. In the UK at least. I can put my sim into my friends phone and its still my number, as the number is linked to the sim only.
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Kyle
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Great logline and a quality script to go with it.

A couple of lines of Jen's dialogue felt a little off to me, 'I'm going to let you sleep.' and 'This dog's days are numbered.'. But apart from that, I enjoyed this from start to finish. Easily in my top three, if not my favourite.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Competently written story.
A good, solid submission.
A B C D etc all fell into place right on cue.
It’s just, for me, lacking that “magic sauce”, nothing I can really point a finger at and say “There! Fix that and all will be well.” Juno?
It’s good. It’s a good story.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Nice title!  

There are a few rough spots in the script, and I would have cut to the chase (the "accident") a lot quicker. Some dialogue reads awkward:

Code

    JEN
I'm gonna let you sleep.



I didn't notice lay/lie, but that could be patched up a bit. Is Tyler still alive or is he just lying down?  

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said. Not familiar with the UL, but it was a good story, especially the second and third acts. However, the third act felt slightly rushed, and we could have seen bitch Jen get her comeuppance.

So, who killed Heather? Tyler, Jen, or Millie? Certainly not natural causes.

I'd say a solid B+. Nice job.


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