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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Bitch's Revenge - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Bitch's Revenge - OWC  (currently 4657 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bitch's Revenge by Julien Lowe - Short, Drama - While a man recovers from a car accident, it becomes apparent that he may have too many bitches. - pdf, format


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nawazm11
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Tyler's ahem, accident seems a little too sudden. No build up, conflict shouldn't occur OS. Also, try and avoid lines like "I�m going to let you sleep." and such, can the audience understand the scene without it? Of course they can, which is especially funny since she doesn't really let him sleep. Also, the whole sim card and broken phone business felt a little convenient, but it's a one week effort so you can't expect everything. Anyway...

Not entirely sure if I understood the ending, had to reread a few times. So, Jen used the dog to get revenge on Tyler? Seems like an incredibly simple concept that could've been told in a few pages, and with a lot more understanding as well. Jen isn't very likeable, and even though Tyler is cheating, he at least doesn't threaten to kill a dog. There's no way we can get behind Jen, absolutely no way, but I think I may have missed something since it's like 3 in the morning where I live at the moment. Might have to get back to this one.

Edit: So, I read over this once more and I think I comprehend it a little better. Spoilers beyond. Beside the suddenness of the murder like Anthony wrote, the story's definitely there, and reading the other comments, it seemed like Jen was actually meant to a total bitch, hence the title I think. There's definitely a decent enough story here, with quite a nice twist at the end, but I feel you could tell the same story with less pages. There's a lot of mumbling around and such, but it's not a bad effort. Regarding Dave's comment, I also agree that it's pretty much without fail that Tyler has an alibi, I mean who else would do it? In fact, it'd be pretty obvious that the disgruntled lover, aka Jen, is the real murderer.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
nawazm11  -  February 15th, 2015, 11:55pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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I like the setup of the jealous dog and the eventual reveal of the affair, thought that worked well.

But I think his accident should be somehow linked to the affair and be shown in some capacity.

The end felt a little sudden and muddled, but once I'd got my bearings I thought it was okay.

Overall a decent effort though a little linear.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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eldave1
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Crisply written - well paced. I felt the action descriptions were dead on. The dialogue got a little pedestrian at times, but all in all - moved the story along.

My only major issue was Tyler being in the hospital - didn't see anyway that he would be threatened by set up for murder since he has obvious alibis and would Jen do the murder and the set up knowing that? Couldn't get past that - change his absence to something else and I'm totally there.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Writing seems OK out of the gate, which is a welcome surprise.

IMO, a little too much unnecessary detail on Page 1, but no big complaints.

Look into lays vs. lies - every writer needs to understand when to use each.  You have many incorrect uses throughout the script.

You've painted Jen as a total "bitch" for sure, and I know that's intentional, so good job.

Bottom of Page 2 - it's the same Slug, except time has passed, so really LATER would work better.

Page 3 - I don't like the asides here, but it's just something I'll never warm to.  You don't need to tell us various stuff - show us.

Way too much talking to herself from Jen, IMO.

You missed a new Slug at the bottom of Page 5.

I'm personally not a fan of "SAME TIME" in Slugs.  I'd recommend "CONTINUOUS".

Page 7 - "the stands" - "then"?  Not sure, but there's a typo here.

Same Slug again, but time has obviously passed.  IMO, you should try and avoid such situations, as it reads very awkwardly.  These are really the only times when you can FADE OUT and the FADE IN again, as it shows the passing of time much better than the way you're doing it does.  Make sense?

Damn...and you did it yet again!  Too much.  Needs to be rethought - a different setting or FADE OUT and FADE IN , as mentioned above.

Ha!  Great ending.  Well done.

Easily the best of the first 10 I've read.  Some areas you can clean up (like the missing EXT Slug) but overall, well written, well thought out, well executed.  I'm not a fan of the title, but I defintitely understand what you're going for with it.

You took a well known urban legend and completely turned it upside down, while also concealing exactly what it even was, until the very end, which is tough to do.

Very, VERY well done.  I'm impressed!
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stevie
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I second the motion - I have no idea of the UL ( it's funny how the proper old urban legends involving serial killers and creatures have been supplanted by modern day anecdotes) but this is a neat little script and written pretty well. Easy on the eye too.  Top stuff!



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LC
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Writing's a bit rough in a couple of patches:
Tyler lay in a bed... That's a big bad whoops.
Overall pretty good though. Gets it all across. But I notice Dave makes a good point alibi wise.

Oh dear, a younger woman and the older one's only twenty-five.

The hybrid story - I'm guessing: 'Seven Year Bitch x Humans Can Lick Too' is nicely done. Good thinking for the OWC.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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It's OK. There's a story here that makes sense, at least. Was a bit too linear and the only character I remotely cared about was the dog. It's essentially a "gag" script, and I think it could be pared down a lot.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Bitches revenge

from the longline I'm not quite sure what to make of this…

oh yes, i read about this story, the dog running up to the mistresses house.

there were a few extra bits to this but I'm not sure it wholly worked for me. Jen cutting a finger off - actually the dog may have bitten it off - actually killing the other woman didn't quite work for me. the character portrayed to us before then was a hard working person who pulled her weight, so to speak. yes she was annoyed with the dog, and her husband (so was I) but the murder seems a tad out of the blue.

on second thoughts, why invite the woman round, when you can kill her in her house, the one you don't know about and have an albi for? just a  thought.

but for a weeks work, not bad.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Good story, well told (aside from the 'lay' thing). I'm not far from giving this a consider. I think the story is ready to go, so can't give any suggestions for improvement.

It would make a great student project.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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This one's 4/5s of the way toward good!

Love the title. LOVE Millie the Dobie.  And the writing's very smooth.  Problem is, it falls apart at the end.  (Yes, it was obvious where it was going after awhile, but that's not the problem.)  Point is, Jen's SERIOUSLY got to get her comeuppance; she's the bad b*tch of this story.  Ending on the backyard getting dug up falls flat.  

My five cents?  You need to set up a bit where Jen doesn't feed Millie out of spite, thus giving the dobie reason to dig up the grave for food.  And Jen needs to meet a really bad end somehow.  I'm not 100% sure what way is best.  But it's got to happen for this one to truly click!  (And the rewrite's worth doing - this one could be lots of fun.)
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Leegion
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I would've had Millie rip Jen's throat out, but that's just me, and she was the real "bitch" of the story.

Overall, this is a good script.  I'm not familiar with the legend however, brain's conked out, but it's a decent effort and the writing is excellent.

I'll agree with others though.  The ending does fall flat and Jen doesn't get her comeuppance.  Kind of a let down there.  I was hoping to see a little more out of it, but solid for 1 week's work.
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mmmarnie
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Hmmm...I had a different take on this story. I thought Millie the dog b1tch got revenge on Jen the b1tch by digging up the fingers. I could be wrong though.

The writing was good and the story kept my interest. I don't know what UL it is. Bill said something about a dog running up to a mistress's house and Jeff mentioned the UL was revealed at the end.

I thought the beginning of the script was much smoother than the end. The end felt a bit rushed. Pretty good job for one week though.


boop

Revision History (1 edits)
mmmarnie  -  February 19th, 2015, 8:08am
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Dreamscale
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Quoted from mmmarnie
I don't know what UL it is. Bill said something about a dog running up to a mistress's house and Jeff mentioned the UL was revealed at the end.


Marnie, The UL is that of the choking Doberman - look it up.

IMO, the nice thing about the execution here is that it doesn't play out remotely like the original UL, but still retains the feel...at the end, which means nothing is really telegraphed.
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Kip
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I must admit, I'd never heard of this one until I googled it. Having come across dogs like this before, I can empathise.

The dialogue came across as straight and realistic, as well as being really well written on the whole.

I enjoyed it.
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RichardR
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this one reads fine.  The accident seems too coincidental.  Gym accident instead?  Might be even more dynamic if the dog manages to regurgitate the finger for Tyler, instead of at the vet's.  That could leave Tyler and Jen in the house, the finger on the floor between them.  What to do?

Best
Richard
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khamanna
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It's a nice read.

The only thing is - Jen is pretty hard to root for. She's not a good person from the very beginning - she's rude to Millie, that's not good.

About the ending - it could be clearer. Jen fed Heather to Millie I guess and made it look like Millie ate Heather. Or that Tyler killed Heather and Millie dug her up - not sure between the two.
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Stumpzian
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Once again, I didn't know this legend.  I prefer not to. Makes it easier to judge a story on its own merits. Is a given script a success independently? Or a contrived exercise for the OWC.

I'd say this one stands on its own two feet.

The writing is pretty good.

I like the part where Millie wants out, in, and out ( very familiar), and Jen finally turns her loose completely. This leads to Heather, etc etc.

I suppose the title is perfect, but I don't like it. It's too perfect.

I'd like more time taken with the discovery of the finger and reveal of the ruby ring. The script seems front-heavy in that regard -- more time given to beginning and middle than to the important final section.

Henry



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PrussianMosby
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BITCH'S REVENGE

Nice conflict on p2.

I'm astounded by the mistake on p7 when the text should be originally coming from Tyler's phone. This script felt so clean and well-structured. Let's not make a tragedy from it...

Okay in the end it was clear where it's going.

I think the ending is too vague. Who has to take the consequences now? I guess the truth will come out because Tyler has a strong alibi. Maybe you should search for another punch line here to round it up.

I just don't know if the dog's performance/acting eventually is too complicated to accomplish for the screen. One of my favorites so far, definitely. Nice title too.



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KPM
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Choked on my coffee when I read Jen threaten to hurt Millie "again." So cheating with Heather doesn't make Tyler a terrific husband, but don't take it out on the poor doggie.

Think the story could end with Millie licking Tyler's face. Up to that point, it's very clear what Jen did. Still think Jen deserves to be punished somehow. She's some nasty beeatch...

Well done.
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c m hall
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SPOILERS

Very good effort, good dialogue, great dog.

Jen's "You want me to beat the shit out of you again" line dooms her for me, so, real emotion evoked from the reader.  

This would be a good film.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  February 20th, 2015, 3:41pm
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EWall433
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Well, this wins my vote for favorite logline. Story was pretty good too. It managed to utilize elements of it’s ULs without simply being a retelling. Wish I could say something that hasn’t been said already, but it’s been pretty well covered. Jen’s definitely a grade-A bitch who deserves a better comeuppance. Right now whatever happens to her happens off screen so it seems anti-climactic.

Also I highly doubt you can steal someone’s SIM card, put it in your phone and start texting people from a new number, so you probably want to keep Tyler’s actual phone intact.

But that aside, nice work
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CoopBazinga
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So the married couple share a dog but this dog wants Jen out the picture. If this is such a common problem then why not just close the bedroom door, or better yet – keep the dog outside.

“floor right below him.” I’m glad you cleared that up – I thought it could have been the floor above him.

I guess you’re showing that Jen is the real bitch with the way she talks to the dog.

“you’re a total dick look” – how does that go again? Squinty eyes, or something. I can’t remember, it’s been a while since I’ve done this look. People always give me “You’re a total prat” look which I think differs a little.

Tyler’s not going down too well, either. I’m definitely rooting for Millie at this point.

“You want me to beat the shit out of you again?” Yeah, this is taking a bit far for me but maybe this story is going to get darker. I understood that Jen was unhappy, but this sounds like she’s more psychotic than angry.

Yes, of course Tyler got hurt at the gym or on his way there – this tragic event is going to bring Millie and Jen together?

lay – lay vs lie. A couple of times now, but I’m guessing someone would have mentioned it already.

“large bandage.” I wonder what happened to his leg to just have a large bandage? Obviously it’s big, but not something broken - I hope we find out.

I thought he was fighting sleep? Jen is letting him sleep?  

“blood spattered shirt” But no torn pants or shorts? His leg is in a large bandage – maybe he was… no, he surely wasn’t…

“His eyelids begin to close. He mumbles.” Oh, now I get the comment about sleep above. For some reason, I thought he was unconscious. That could be clearer at the start of the scene.

“Do you know that bitch almost bit my fingers off today?” Of course he doesn’t! Should this be a question?

How frustrating – he fell asleep during her rant.

Jen should have just left Millie outside and gone in another room – it’s not like Millie can scratch paint off the glass door.

Wasn’t Millie growling at Jen – why would she then let Jen attach her lead? I guess she’s desperate for a walk and will take anyone.

I’m really confused by this kitchen? So you have a sliding door that opens to garden, and a door that opens to the front of the house? That’s one big kitchen or the house is sideways on – it’s just really confusing. Why did Jen attach the lease to just release it straight away – seems unnecessary? Why not just open the door and let Millie run?

Peaks – peeks . A few missing words as well but that’s expected in a OWC.

“dog sprint down the road.” Are we still in the kitchen?

“Two houses down,” But she was sprinting, that hardly seems worth it.

“HEATHER JAMES (20), long blonde hair and beautiful with a sweet innocence about her” Oh yes, this the perfect person for the role and very man’s dream. I’m not buying into this at all.

“That cheating mother fucker.” Tyler or Millie?

Is there any other room in the O’Shea house?

Is Tyler stupid?! Well, obviously – you do not leave the messages on the phone, and it’s worse that he left them saved them on the sim card.

What just happened? Have we skipped a scene? It’s suddenly day in the kitchen.

“into the other room.” So there is another room and that probably means another door – that makes 3 so far.

“Millie isn’t with him.” Did Tyler forget her? How strange.

“Millie at his side.” Oh, the police brought her, or she was waiting in the back room having a cigarette.

You really didn’t need the forensics scene – we got what had happened. It would have made more sense to end with Millie licking Tyler IMO.

I didn’t care for this one I’m afraid – hated all the characters, even Millie and I like dogs. Started promising with the hate relationship between Millie and Jen building but then that went nowhere really.  Once we found out about the beautiful and innocent neighbour that Tyler was shacking up with (who can blame him) this nose-dived quick and the ending fell flat.

The problem is that the Tyler/Jen relationship isn’t given enough time to develop, as you spend so much time setting up the rift between Millie and Jen which isn’t necessary when all is said and done. I was also a little disappointed with

Jen and her ending – she took Tyler home and then left – didn’t she want to extract revenge on him. It would have been better if Millie coughed up that finger at home and then Tyler sees the ruby ring but it’s too late. And that would only work if you were able to keep it a little mysterious which is impossible in some ways.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 22nd, 2015, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Bitches revenge... nice title

I enjoyed this, although the accident however it happened was basically a missing link.

Also I don't believe you can actually take a sim card and put it in another phone. You would have to contact the carrier because it's a different serial number... in other words, Jen would not have being able to text Heather from Tyler's number using her own phone... just saying

The writing itself was pretty strong and I enjoyed the twist. I guess Jen disappeared.

Well done


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DebbieM
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Wow. this was very good.  Action lines were great and it moved really fast.
Aah Jen, She's so unlikable I feel sorry for Tyler having to put with her.
I would say put more drama in it around the accident, since it happened really quick. but then it's just a short so i guess it works the way it is.
Great work!
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was great. Pretty much nothing I disliked except maybe the title, for me "Too Many Bitches" could have worked, or just simply "The Bitch", as it could apply to all three.

While I have no idea what UL this pertains to, it is one of the few that I can see working as a short film. Easy to visualize, quick to read and really well characterised, even if Jen is completely heinous. I dunno if its what you were going for or not but nobody is likeable. Not even Millie.

One of the only problems I had when reading was on page 7. I think something has to happen between these two moments:


Quoted Text
In the darkness she rummages through a drawer, the stands
against the wall, next to the door.

INT. O’SHEA HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Millie sits by the door. Suddenly, her ears perk up.

She jumps up, looks through the window, watches as Jen helps
Tyler up the steps.


I had to read it a couple of times. Maybe it is just me, and I'm dumb but something to show that time had passed from that night. Visually it'd be fine but within the script, I was a bit "Wait what?" because she was at the door, then nothing.

Other than that I really enjoyed it. Well done!
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StevenHarvey
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Bitches revenge... nice title

I enjoyed this, although the accident however it happened was basically a missing link.

Also I don't believe you can actually take a sim card and put it in another phone. You would have to contact the carrier because it's a different serial number... in other words, Jen would not have being able to text Heather from Tyler's number using her own phone... just saying

The writing itself was pretty strong and I enjoyed the twist. I guess Jen disappeared.

Well done


You can text from another phone with your sim card. In the UK at least. I can put my sim into my friends phone and its still my number, as the number is linked to the sim only.
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Kyle
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Great logline and a quality script to go with it.

A couple of lines of Jen's dialogue felt a little off to me, 'I'm going to let you sleep.' and 'This dog's days are numbered.'. But apart from that, I enjoyed this from start to finish. Easily in my top three, if not my favourite.
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RayW
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Competently written story.
A good, solid submission.
A B C D etc all fell into place right on cue.
It’s just, for me, lacking that “magic sauce”, nothing I can really point a finger at and say “There! Fix that and all will be well.” Juno?
It’s good. It’s a good story.



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ChrisBodily
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Nice title!  

There are a few rough spots in the script, and I would have cut to the chase (the "accident") a lot quicker. Some dialogue reads awkward:

Code

    JEN
I'm gonna let you sleep.



I didn't notice lay/lie, but that could be patched up a bit. Is Tyler still alive or is he just lying down?  

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said. Not familiar with the UL, but it was a good story, especially the second and third acts. However, the third act felt slightly rushed, and we could have seen bitch Jen get her comeuppance.

So, who killed Heather? Tyler, Jen, or Millie? Certainly not natural causes.

I'd say a solid B+. Nice job.


FADE IN:
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realxwriter
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Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
It was good, but just good. I always hope for lines to be more enjoyable and fun.

Character:
Believable. Tyler was a bit too passive. He only reacted, never acted. Jen was amazing. I loved how her motivations and feelings were as clear as daylight.

Story:
I liked the concept. I wished for a better revenge. The murder felt abrupt. If you created a scene were a heated argument with Heather turned into a murder, that would have played better on screen. It would also been better if Millie tried to tell about the murder in different ways and failing before she ate the finger. This way her success would have had a better impact. You could have also made Jen attempts slow poisoning on Millie so there will be more at stakes when Millie try to warn Tyler. Ok I'm gonna shut up now.

Overall:
It was a good story, but the fun parts passed by in a haste. I didn't get to fully enjoy them, but you're certainly talented.
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LC
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Well I was right with the 'seven year bitch' aka 'dog-walker' or vice versa. Have no idea why I said 'humans lick too' but least I was on the right track overall.

I was a little light on with my remarks - only commented on a few, but just wanted to say Marnie, I got the plot as you intended and really enjoyed this one - perhaps your ending could be made a little clearer but the audience thinking twice about what's gone down is not a bad thing imh. This would have had a 'recommend' from me if I'd been in it and could vote.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 6th, 2015, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, assuredly written with a wicked sense of humour.

I'm surprised people are so against Jen since its revealed Tyler is cheating on her. Plus, he seems to get a kick out of making her jealous in his favouritism towards Millie...and upon the infidelity reveal you understand why. He's trying to push her away indirectly instead of being honest and ending the relationship. What a prick. He's a much more dis-likable character in my opinion. I felt for Jen and her frustration.

Its that old film cliche of having a character who may verbally and physically abuse a person, perhaps even kill someone unjustly and its conceivable the audience can still sympathize/empathize/root for them...but have them throw a dirty look at an animal, and you've lost any good will with no way back.

Jen killing Heather and feeding her to Millie (which I gleaned from the ending, thought it was pretty clear in fact, don't get all the confusion about it...of course, I could be wrong too) seemed rather extreme but I went with it in the spirit of the story and the criteria the script is working within.

However, my biggest issue was the implication in the end that Jen had successfully framed Tyler for Heather's murder. That its some diabolical master plan she's pulled off with her getting away scot-free. I mean, it is left open ended to a large degree with the cops searching the backyard but where was Jen in the last scene? Did she bail after saying that she had to "go out"? Tyler is understandably the police's prime suspect right now but you'd assume once the investigation gets under way that the focus would quickly shift to Jen and her obvious motivation, means and opportunity.


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