See You Later, Mary Freighter! by Bridget Reilly - Drama, Play - A homeless couple who are struggling to get back on their feet encounter a spirit who has come to help them--in the unlikely disguise of a prostitute.  30 pages - doc, format

Bridget again. This synopsis is only the first paragraph of the one I sent in, and doesn't explain very well what the script is about. That may explain why nobody has sent in any comments even though a lot of people have apparently looked at it. I'll see about explaining it better after I've calmed down a little.
I have a blog that accompanies this series, which can be found at
http://maryfreighter.blogspot.com
That's right, this is only the first of a series. There will be more to follow.
Bridget

Hi Bridget. The lack of reads will be more to do with the fact that you haven't commented on other peoples scripts. If you review other peoples work, you'll find that they will review yours in exchange.

All the best, Rick.

Hey Bridget. Welcome.  Yeah, you gotta read some stuff on here and make some posts with feedback...or maybe ask questions.

I stumbled onto this through another post...script exchange...maybe?  Not sure, but I saw some back and forth between you and Phil.

I read through the first few pages, and Phil's completely right in what he was saying.  Formatting and style is so far off.  You open up with an 11 line action/description paragraph...no...not good.  Seriously, never go over 5 lines and try not to ever go more than 4 lines.  Doesn't work at all the way you've written this.

I don't mean to be an ass or anything...seriously.  There're just so many problems with what you've got here...just about every line in your prose.

You should read some pro scripts and some well reviewed ones in here to get an idea of where yours is very different, and not working.

Sorry to be so brutal, but it's brutal honesty, and sometimes it's a good thing.

Best of luck to ya!  

I have offered to do a review exchange, but as yet no one has taken  me up on it. I have read quite a few scripts on this site, but until recently I wasn't able to log in to comment on any of them, as there was a confusion about my password. I'm still learning how to navigate this board, and I'm a little confused about the formatting problem. If I don't have the right software on my home computer, (which is not internet-connected), I don't know how else to write my scripts except to use what's already in there. I"ll have to look into this some more.
Please make more specific suggestions as to how you think the prose could be improved. I'm writing the way that seems natural to me.
Bridget

Hey Bridget, I'd recommend that you literally PM people and offer to read their new script if they'll do the same for you.  Otherwise, just literally start reading scripts in here and posting good, long reviews. That way, people will "owe you".  Know what I mean?

Your prose needs to be cut way back, like I said earlier.  Don't use paragraphs over 5 lines of text.  Get a picture in your head of your scenes and make sure you convey the important stuff through your prose.

I think a good exercise is to write a short, simple script of under 10 pages with 2 or 3 characters in no more than 2 locations.  See what you come up with.  Make sure you properly set your scenes and your characters act, talk, and think like real people.

How's that?

Reillybridget,

I agree with what Dreamscale said about shorts, excellent way to learn aspects of this art.

For your formatting problem, I also use microsoft word but I downloaded a template for it , it made writing scripts much much easier



Andrew,

Green,
I have sent the first script to an agent, some time ago, and they thought it did conform to industry standards, besides their having no problem with it being in Word. Only trouble is, nobody bought it, but that didn't mean they didn't think it was good. That's why I was so confused with the barrage of criticism I got on this site about my format, as I had never gotten that before. If professionals in the industry had no problem with my format or style, why are all these amateurs bitching about it?
Breanne,
No problem with "write, write write. and then rewrite rewrite...." I'm always doing that. I have a whole third installment in that series set to go, but was very daunted when people said it was in the wrong format. I don't know how I can change that now.
Bridget

Quoted Text why are all these amateurs bitching about it?

If this is your response to constructive criticism, I won't be giving anymore of it. You're an amateur as well.

Quoted Text The camera can't show that it isn't a heavily-travelled street.  It can show that Rufus is the only one on it at the moment, but it could be busy the rest of the time.

This is a quote from script review exchange, about your script. We don't need this stuff in scene description, it's not doing any good. How are we supposed to know things which can't be portrayed on screen? It doesn't need to be there. Don't consider removing it, do it!

Quoted Text No problem with "write, write write. and then rewrite rewrite...."

I think you don't understand this concept. There is no point in re-writing if you don't know where you're going wrong, that's where we come in.

Quoted Text I don't know how I can change that now. Bridget

It's pretty simple, download Celtx, it's an excellent piece of software which will help you with your basic problems. I also urge you to read other scripts and learn from them, it's all for the best.

My advice for you, write some shorts and hold back on the feature length until you have the basics nailed.

NOTE: Looked over your script again and you use the passive voice in some of your scene descriptions also, that's not good.

Example:

He looks very startled, but has halted

That doesn't sound right, this is another one of your problems. Active voice only!

Quoted from reillybridget If professionals in the industry had no problem with my format or style, why are all these amateurs bitching about it?

Good question.

Maybe these 'professionals' wouldn't know the correct format if it bit 'em in the ass.

I decided to glance at the script to see your claim...and to see if everybody else is wrong...but everybody else is right - and your formatting isn't done correctly.

They aren't bitching, they're trying to steer you in the right direction.

Who is "Green"?  Hmmm...

Hey Bridget, I'm in shock over here and completely confused.  Are you saying that you sent this script to a professional agent in L.A., and they accepted it, agreed to represent you, shopped it around Hollywood, and told you it was great, but no one has shown any interest yet?

If that's what you're saying, 1 of 2 things is going on here...

1)  This is some sort of joke.

2)  The "agent" or "agency" you are working with is a complete sham.

Who is this agent?  How did you get in touch with them?  Please tell me you haven't paid them any money for their services.

I literally cannot believe that any real agent or agency would accept anything that even resembled this....and written on WORD?  Just doesn't make any sense at all...

Please let me know answers to these questions, if you can.

As has been said before, celtx is a no go as your writing computer is not connected to the Internet.

But you can get screenplay templates from microsoft word, just google for them and you will find them. Takes a little bit of getting used to but they work and you don't require an internet connection.

And buy a book, it doesn't matter which one, there are dozens of them. Just buy any book on the basics of screenwriting, it is fairly simple stuff, you should get your head around it really quickly. It is just important to master the basics before you can then start to disregard everything you have learned and forge your own style.

Hey Bridget,

I imported your .doc file to Final Draft, and this is what it looks like formated in Final Draft (bear in mind it's just a quick job - it's still not formated completly as it should be).

Check it out here (pdf version).

And that will increase once you break up the huge blocks of text.

[EDIT]: Also, I'm not sure whether I saved it in A4 or Letter format. It runs a bit longer if it's in A4, but we're only talking about 4-5 pages at this length.

Some of this discussion has gotten so tacky and unconstructive, I really don't think it would be good to continue it. If anyone wants to have a real person-to-person conversation with me, it might be better to e-mail me offlist. But please be polite and gentle. My ego has been bruised enough by all this nasty stuff.
But whoever asked about the professional agent: yes, they certainly did try to pitch my script for over a year. and they were legit. They didn't charge me any money. Just because some people think my script is shit, doesn't mean everybody agrees. Please stop the tackiness.
Bridget