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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Discussion of...    Poetry  ›  A short story I wrote "Letter To Annette" Moderators: Rob S.
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  Author    A short story I wrote "Letter To Annette"  (currently 484 views)
LC
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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I read this last night, Ben, and was totally absorbed in the story.

Some beautiful touches throughout. And some grotesque too - the dog - eww!
Love, sex, loss, desire and death are obviously prevailing themes with your writing - add a dash of alcoholism, mental illness, addiction, supplementary to those major ones.

A few typos (if you want to know?) minor, like leaving a letter off which pulled me up with its meaning a few times.
...thing I am desperate to know but will never ask plural - things
* Lay when it should be lie.

I want Alex more than I want to protect Hayward
Gutsy admission.

Reminds me of this article some time back which caused a real backlash.
Ayelet Waldman confessed to loving her husband more than her children.
https://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/truly-madly-guiltily.html

A few other brave people have come after her expressing the same opinion.
...

Anyway, the ending confessional lines of your story say it all really...
And it deserves to be quoted:

Annette, I don’t think I explained everything very well. I can’t remember if I wrote it earlier,
but I do love you, and I love Hayward so much. It bothers me that I feel this love so strongly but
every night I go to the same watery place...

I wonder if you have something similar when you close your eyes and you feel and see things
that aren’t allowed to exist in the real world and you could never explain them to anyone, even me.

Then I wonder if maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe I’m just so alone that I want us together, in a
car, at the bottom of the river. Maybe I’m so lonely that I wanted touch so badly that I let Alex do
what he did.

And I know it’s selfish to be alone when I have a child. My life isn’t mine. It’s Hayward’s.
Do you feel lonely, too?


Wow! Packs a wallop.

You're a very gifted storyteller, Ben. You're a keen observer into human nature and you don't shy away from the truth with your characters, or with topics that can be uncomfortable for people, including explicit sex, or mental illness, addiction etc. That's what I like about your writing.

Now if only the *lie v lay rule would stick.
* Hey, can't just give you all praise.  










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AlsoBen
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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My grammar is always my undoing! Blame QLD public schools and my undiagnosed ADHD.

LC - what a lovely thing to say. I actually wrote this based on a short I wrote recently (also on the boards) because I felt I wasn't "done" with this character. I'm glad I got it out.

I never know what to do with prose/short stories when I write them so I just post them on SS...hope thats OK.


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LC
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
My grammar is always my undoing! Blame QLD public schools...

I never know what to do with prose/short stories when I write them so I just post them on SS...hope thats OK.

OLD, eh? NSW public here... Not sure ours were much better, although I had a terrific English teacher which made learning and falling in love with words, (at least in senior years), a joy.

Um, it's fine by me.
I'm not sure Don wants an entire thread devoted to Prose/ Short stories, this being primarily a script writing site...

Reddit's big for Short stories, including some (especially horror) that have gone on to be picked up and turned into screenplays by notable producers. You probably know that already... but I thought I'd add it just in case.


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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I just read that NYT article. It's shocking, even to me, and I didn't grow up in the most normal of families. And she's really not saying anything controversial. Great stuff - would have been a big deal in 2005.

I've put a new link to a later draft in the OP if anyone else wants to read. I'll probably keep working on this but again, I never know what to do with prose. Maybe I will try reddit.


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Yuvraj
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Indeed, this was a nice read. Love, neglect, loss and that dog, of course. Obviously, there are some people who alter the default chain of love that they had been taught to get accustomed to. It is inexplicable as to why but then again, why not.

It was nice to read a story woven around such characters.    


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 7th, 2020, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Yuv.


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