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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Fugitive Sweetheart
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Don
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fugitive Sweetheart by Vincent Paterno - Romantic Comdy - A reporter learns his copy editor's actually a former school classmate with a new identity in a witness protection program. Her cover is blown, the ex she imprisoned seeks revenge and the reporter and staff protect her. 104 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Vincent:

The logline has a problem.


Quoted Text
A reporter learns his copy editor's actually a former school classmate with a new identity in a witness protection program. Her cover is blown, the ex she imprisoned seeks revenge and the reporter and staff protect her.


I read it three times and still didn't quite get it. Is it:

When a Newspaper editor in the Witness Protection Program cover is blown, she must rely on a Reporter to protect her from the vengeful ex-husband she help to imprison.

There are quite a few nitty problems on the first two pages.


Quoted Text
DUANE LLEWELLYN (47), disheveled in a maroon sweatshirt and
blue jeans, is at a window seat. He types on his laptop. A
glance over his shoulder shows heís at work on a screenplay.


Lose the color of his clothes - it's unimportant. Also doesn't matter if he's at a window seat.
I'd go with something akin to:

DUANE LLEWELLYN (47), disheveled, clad in sweatshirt and
blue jeans types on his laptop in his seat.



Quoted Text
The CONDUCTOR (52), a relaxed black man, walks through the
passenger car.

CONDUCTOR
Our next stop: Bethel, Colorado.
Bethel, our first stop in Colorado!


He's relaxed - but you have him yelling!


Quoted Text
Duane, jolted, quickly rises from his seat. He saves the work
on his laptop and stores it in a briefcase. He retrieves a
suitcase from the compartment above him.


Action out of order - he'd save the work on his laptop before getting out of his seat.


Quoted Text
CONDUCTOR
So youíre stopping off here today.


Typo - needs a ?


Quoted Text
CONDUCTOR (CONTíD)
OK, sir, you can get off.


Should be okay.


Quoted Text
Duane enters the vestibule and turns right, not looking where
heís going. He nearly stumbles down the stairs, not realizing
the exit is two feet higher than the platform. The conductor
grabs him and his luggage before he tumbles out.


- should be The Conductor.


Quoted Text
DUANE
Or Philadelphia, where I first
boarded before changing trains in
Chi-town.


To my ear - a bit unnatural response here. He nearly falls and he's explaining his prior stops?


Quoted Text
Duane gives the conductor a salute; a few seconds later the
train leaves the station. He strolls down Main Street and
passes the town's public library. None of the buildings are
more than four stories high, and things appear quiet.


- The Conductor
- Problem - you need a new scene header here. You are no longer inside the train.


Quoted Text
That suddenly changes when a stray baseball strikes the
suitcase he's carrying and caroms back into the park where a
few boys play catch. He turns to them, gently shakes his head
and smiles.


And another scene - the Park. Also - BOYS should be CAPPED.


Quoted Text
INT. BETHEL HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Duane is at his laptop, again at work on his screenplay, when
his cellphone rings. Itís old East Coast pal JIM LINDQUIST.


Old East Coast Pal is a bit of an unfilmable. i.e., What's on the screen that tells us this?

Hope this helps. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matt
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Lose the color of his clothes - it's unimportant. Also doesn't matter if he's at a window seat.
I'd go with something akin to:

DUANE LLEWELLYN (47), disheveled, clad in sweatshirt and
blue jeans types on his laptop in his seat.



Sorry to knit pick - You advised him to remove the clothing colour, and then in your example you include a colour. Also, why tell us detail of what he is wearing anyway - they are normal clothes, doesn't tell me anything about the character - Unless what he is wearing is relevant later on?

I'm not going to lie, I have hardly read this as I don't think its my thing. But, from what I have seen, the action can be more condensed and flow better to make easier reading. The dialogue to me seems unnatural.

The protagonist also starts the movie writing a screenplay - Is this not a bit cliche? - Anyway, a quick search for the word "screenplay" in your screenplay and you use the word 5 times, but not past page 5!
If it is not important to the story then don't include it, useless information is the enemy


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matt


Sorry to knit pick - You advised him to remove the clothing colour, and then in your example you include a colour. Also, why tell us detail of what he is wearing anyway - they are normal clothes, doesn't tell me anything about the character - Unless what he is wearing is relevant later on?



Blue Jeans is a common term used for denims. That's why I didn't harp on it - think that would have been over the top. Of course denims or jeans would have been fine as well. I assume in this example the writer is using clothing to let us know that this character ain't your typical businessman, Harvard writer - etc. Just a dude in sweats and jeans.  Casual guy.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matt
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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But nothing else leads me to believe he is a business man, so why would he need to clarify to the contrary?

If it's important to show he is casually dressed, can't he just say casually dressed?
Maybe it's just me, but if a typical reader is given the description 'casually dressed' then they are able to come to their own conclusions of what that might be without being spoon fed - Makes reading it more fluid

I also noticed you include a line "About 5 seconds pass" - Just think about that for a second, that means the viewers will be sitting there, watching nothing happen for 5 seconds - that's a long time for a viewer.

To be honest, the whole interaction with the train conductor feels unnecessary - all it reveals to us that is relevant is that he is attending a job interview - but he reveals that in the phone call in the next scene - and then it's revealed again at the actual interview


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matt
But nothing else leads me to believe he is a business man, so why would he need to clarify to the contrary?

If it's important to show he is casually dressed, can't he just say casually dressed?
Maybe it's just me, but if a typical reader is given the description 'casually dressed' then they are able to come to their own conclusions of what that might be without being spoon fed - Makes reading it more fluid

I also noticed you include a line "About 5 seconds pass" - Just think about that for a second, that means the viewers will be sitting there, watching nothing happen for 5 seconds - that's a long time for a viewer.

To be honest, the whole interaction with the train conductor feels unnecessary - all it reveals to us that is relevant is that he is attending a job interview - but he reveals that in the phone call in the next scene - and then it's revealed again at the actual interview


Don't think a reader will care about the difference between casually dressed vs. Sweatshirt and blue jeans. I simply prefer the latter since there are varying styles of casual. Either way is fine.

The seconds pass is not my line. It's the writers.

You might be right on the conductor. Who knows. Since we've only read a few pages, we have no idea whether this is a prominent character or not. If it is not - I agree.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matt
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Yes i know it is the writers line - Sorry, I switched who I was talking to without making it clear lol

My favourite tool when reading scripts is the 'find' function - one quick search shows me that that character doesn't appear again.

it appears he is only there as a "tell me" character - it would be much more powerful if we were shown - I.E don't have the conductor tell me this is a nearly unused station in the middle of nowhere - show me that no one else gets off, the platform is small rundown/deserted


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
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eldave1
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Good thought. I agree


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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