Quoted from spesh2k Up to page 55: I'm really enjoying this (despite it not really being my preferred genre). As unlikable as Billy Bunker is, I still like him (if that makes any sense). His outbursts and manic struggles remind me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, how everyone seems to be against him all the time but, for some reason, we still kinda side with him and see his point on a lot of things. And though we kinda laugh at his struggles and his ignorance because of his insecurity driven pompousness and superiority complex, it also makes him relatable and somewhat likable as it keeps happening. I love how he constantly grapples with his inner peace, having these outbursts and then cutting himself off, reminding himself that he's a new Billy Bunker. And the information we learn about both he and Jenna really adds layers to their characters. I'm not normally a fan of voice over, but it fits here and adds an earnest, storybook kinda tone. It almost reminds me of Big Lebowski mixed with the beginning of Magnolia a little bit. At page 54, I love the meta B-story you add here, with Jenna's stories being pitched as a horror/mystery series to Netflix without her knowledge. In fact, the pitch itself is pretty fucking cool, sounds like a great idea for a series -- something to consider there, I feel like that idea itself has legs. But I love the parallels here, it's very well done -- Jenna uses Billy as a story w/ out his knowledge and now her story is being pitched to Netflix w/ out her knowledge. I do like the comedy, how he always references movies and how those references usually go over people's heads, especially in this small town where the baggage center is. Great stuff so far! Will continue reading! -- Michael

Thanks, mate - glad you have enjoyed it so far. And yeah, as I was writing it I thought - hmmm., the Baggage Stories thing by itself my make a good anthology series. If this thing gets no traction, I might pursue that angle. Who knows.

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You mention twice that Billy felt it necessary to go back to Scottsboro, but he couldn't put his finger on why -- it is worded differently, but I'd get rid of the 1st one and keep it the 2nd time you mention as it seems to have more impact here (it's directly related to Jenna).

PAGE 59:

Quoted Text BILLY I don’t want to do discuss the details here. Are you available for dinner tonight?

Just a typo (do).

PAGE 67:

Billy deletes Heather's number here. I like it, but what made him decide to do that? Perhaps he's feeling guilty for shitting all over Jenna's lovely writing story, but is that what makes him delete Heather's number? If so, what's the correlation or parallel?

Also, love the NARRATOR breaking the 4th wall a bit in chiming in after the discussion w/ Sebastian, talking about getting a Twilight Zone style narrator.

PAGE 68:

As amusing and clever as the NARRATOR chiming in on the previous page was, I don't think it works the second time here (NARRATOR: I'd watch.) The third time, it actually does work IMO. I'd just get rid of the 2nd one.

PAGE 70:

Ha, I like the Darlene character. Reminds of Janine from Ghostbusters.

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I think Billy's transformation is a little too fast, here. I love how he suggests that Jenna should be the writer and that he's going back again to talk to her. But saying The Econo Lodge is perfect and then mentioning it's next to Applebees is a bit much IMO. Instead of saying "Perfect", I'd have him maybe roll his neck, about to complain. Then just say "Sure, whatever" or something like that. I can see him saying that later in the story -- same w/ him being super nice at the airport, giving the taxi driver a huge tip, getting clipped by a suitcase and just telling the guy to not miss his flight. I'd have him still show some resistance to being super nice but deciding to say things like "It's fine". Then him handing the driver a few bucks but before he grabs it, he adds a few more bucks.

I could be wrong and it might have some payoff here and these same people might see Billy with Jenna (like at the end of Groundhog Day) and Jenna will be impressed that Billy had made a good impression on the town's people. But since it's happening in LA, he probably won't encounter them in Scottsboro.

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Disregard what I said about Billy's transformation too fast. I see what you did here on on this page, nice setup.

PAGE 114:

Typo.

Quoted Text JENNA Because I might of care about yours.

PAGE 116:

Great line from the Narrator to end this.

OVERALL:

So, this is definitely not my genre, so I apologize if my notes aren't too comprehensive here. I'm looking at it as a viewer rather than a fellow screenwriter. And I absolutely loved it. The story never lagged at any point and I really enjoyed the characters and their arcs, especially Billy's. He's a pretty classic, flawed asshole character (Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets). And his transformation, like in the movies I've described, was really fun to watch. The point where Billy won me over was when he flew Mary Ann out to LA to audition and then he played off his good deed like it was only self-serving. That was a critical point in the story for his character, the audience and for Jenna. I loved her backstory. It was sad but with Billy, who's somewhat of a cartoonish kinda character, it really gave the story balance and warmth.

My one thing with the story -- now don't get me wrong, I loved the Billy character and I loved his arc and transformation -- but he is a tad on the cartoonish side. It was borderline slapstick, but Jenna kept things a little more grounded and Billy started to feel like a real person as I was reading their scenes together later in the story. And I do like that -- with the superficiality of Hollywood, I'm betting that it was intentional to make him sort of be a caricature somewhat until he finds himself later in the story. I would say to slightly tone him down a bit -- he's constantly a ball of crazy energy, full throttle throughout the whole story, some people might get exhausted by him. But, for some reason, I feel like if you tone him down too much, it may affect the impact of his transformation and arc. So, I'm just bringing it to your attention. I wouldn't necessarily change him.

Again, great script man, once I had time to actually sit down and read the whole thing straight through, it flew right by. Excellent writing as usual, good dialogue, great lead characters and funny supporting roles. And there was enough profane comedy in there to keep this from getting too sappy and corny. I don't see why this wouldn't get made. It seems fairly low-budget.

-- Michael

Quoted Text You mention twice that Billy felt it necessary to go back to Scottsboro, but he couldn't put his finger on why -- it is worded differently, but I'd get rid of the 1st one and keep it the 2nd time you mention as it seems to have more impact here (it's directly related to Jenna).

Good catch - you're right - thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 59: Just a typo (do).

Thanks
PAGE 67:

Quoted Text Billy deletes Heather's number here. I like it, but what made him decide to do that? Perhaps he's feeling guilty for shitting all over Jenna's lovely writing story, but is that what makes him delete Heather's number? If so, what's the correlation or parallel?

Hmm. Was trying to break the pattern of his - every other time he got back to LA the first thing he did was try to get a hold of Heather - But, I think you're right - I think rather than a straight delete here - he should just decide to pocket the phone.

Quoted Text Also, love the NARRATOR breaking the 4th wall a bit in chiming in after the discussion w/ Sebastian, talking about getting a Twilight Zone style narrator.

Thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 68: As amusing and clever as the NARRATOR chiming in on the previous page was, I don't think it works the second time here (NARRATOR: I'd watch.) The third time, it actually does work IMO. I'd just get rid of the 2nd one.

Good suggestion

Quoted Text PAGE 70: Ha, I like the Darlene character. Reminds of Janine from Ghostbuster

s.

Thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 72: Disregard what I said about Billy's transformation too fast. I see what you did here on on this page, nice setup.

Cool - glad it worked

Quoted Text PAGE 114: Typo.

Got it - thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 116: Great line from the Narrator to end this.

Thanks.

Quoted Text OVERALL: So, this is definitely not my genre, so I apologize if my notes aren't too comprehensive here. I'm looking at it as a viewer rather than a fellow screenwriter. And I absolutely loved it. The story never lagged at any point and I really enjoyed the characters and their arcs, especially Billy's. He's a pretty classic, flawed asshole character (Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets). And his transformation, like in the movies I've described, was really fun to watch. The point where Billy won me over was when he flew Mary Ann out to LA to audition and then he played off his good deed like it was only self-serving. That was a critical point in the story for his character, the audience and for Jenna. I loved her backstory. It was sad but with Billy, who's somewhat of a cartoonish kinda character, it really gave the story balance and warmth. My one thing with the story -- now don't get me wrong, I loved the Billy character and I loved his arc and transformation -- but he is a tad on the cartoonish side. It was borderline slapstick, but Jenna kept things a little more grounded and Billy started to feel like a real person as I was reading their scenes together later in the story. And I do like that -- with the superficiality of Hollywood, I'm betting that it was intentional to make him sort of be a caricature somewhat until he finds himself later in the story. I would say to slightly tone him down a bit -- he's constantly a ball of crazy energy, full throttle throughout the whole story, some people might get exhausted by him. But, for some reason, I feel like if you tone him down too much, it may affect the impact of his transformation and arc. So, I'm just bringing it to your attention. I wouldn't necessarily change him. Again, great script man, once I had time to actually sit down and read the whole thing straight through, it flew right by. Excellent writing as usual, good dialogue, great lead characters and funny supporting roles. And there was enough profane comedy in there to keep this from getting too sappy and corny. I don't see why this wouldn't get made. It seems fairly low-budget. -- Michael

Thanks for the read and the kind words, Micheal - much appreciated.  I take your point on Billy as over the top/caricature in some places and I am looking to but in a little more subtlety in the next draft.

As an aside - when I wrote this I had the leads cast as Bill Burr (one of my favorite comedians) and Jenna was Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office). It is one of those things where I think a Burr could handle the over the top parts - might be more difficult for someone else.

Again - thanks a ton for the read - I am going to let this percolate a couple of weeks and then start the next  draft.

Quoted from eldave1 Good catch - you're right - thanks Thanks PAGE 67: Hmm. Was trying to break the pattern of his - every other time he got back to LA the first thing he did was try to get a hold of Heather - But, I think you're right - I think rather than a straight delete here - he should just decide to pocket the phone. Thanks Good suggestion s. Thanks Cool - glad it worked Got it - thanks Thanks. Thanks for the read and the kind words, Micheal - much appreciated.  I take your point on Billy as over the top/caricature in some places and I am looking to but in a little more subtlety in the next draft. As an aside - when I wrote this I had the leads cast as Bill Burr (one of my favorite comedians) and Jenna was Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office). It is one of those things where I think a Burr could handle the over the top parts - might be more difficult for someone else. Again - thanks a ton for the read - I am going to let this percolate a couple of weeks and then start the next  draft.

Bill Burr would be great in this! Had the honor to meet him and see him perform live a few times when I was working Dangerfield's Comedy Club in NYC. I can see him pulling the outbursts off very well. I like Jenna Fischer as well.

Quoted from spesh2k Bill Burr would be great in this! Had the honor to meet him and see him perform live a few times when I was working Dangerfield's Comedy Club in NYC. I can see him pulling the outbursts off very well. I like Jenna Fischer as well.

How cool! Never seen him live - but certainly would pay to.

Dave,

Read the first thirty. Stopping, getting late. For me anyway. But will definitely continue.

Very good first act set up. I didn’t think I’d like the narrator. Was planning on not liking the narrator. I like the narrator.

Anyway, very pro feel here. You take a mundane airport baggage claim and somehow make it interesting. Just the right amount of description.

Also, I’m getting a Saul Rubinek vibe from when he played a movie producer in True Romance. Any connection there?

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Read the first thirty. Stopping, getting late. For me anyway. But will definitely continue. Very good first act set up. I didn’t think I’d like the narrator. Was planning on not liking the narrator. I like the narrator. Anyway, very pro feel here. You take a mundane airport baggage claim and somehow make it interesting. Just the right amount of description. Also, I’m getting a Saul Rubinek vibe from when he played a movie producer in True Romance. Any connection there? Steve

Thanks,  buddy. And no connection

Couple quick things before I forget...

When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better.

Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier.

Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Quoted from SAC Couple quick things before I forget... When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better. Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier. Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Thanks, Steve

First suggestion - yeah, that works

Second suggestion - agree that it is funnier (I actually laughed when I read it ) - but I need a yes for later.... but I am very tempted

Just letting you know that I haven't dropped the ball. Just been super busy. I'm up to page 20, but I'm hoping to finish this weekend.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Just letting you know that I haven't dropped the ball. Just been super busy. I'm up to page 20, but I'm hoping to finish this weekend.

Gracias!

Quoted from SAC Couple quick things before I forget... When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better. Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier. Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Steven - doing the next draft and these two items (above) are going in - you're right - works better. Thanks

Up to page 70 as of last night, and should finish later.

I don't think there is anything wrong with making Billy a bad guy. Honestly, I don't really see him as a bad guy. He's our protag, a bit of an asshole, and we know that he'll have some sort of arc where he sees the light. But not too much. Being an asshole is sort of Billy's charm, in a sense.

However, at an hour and ten in, we should now be solely focused on just Billy and Jenna. At this point Billy is going back for a third time. Personally, I would cut that. Let him stay there after the second trip. There's a lot of comedy/ drama to be had in that little town, and Billy going back a third time breaks the flow of the story in the regard that he and Jenna should now be the main focus. We've seen enough of Darlene and Sebastian. A phone call would suffice.

But Billy, at page 70 or even before, needs to be actively courting Jenna. A little good natured back and forth, a teaming of the two, a reluctant partnership -- say, on the Netflix deal -- is something to be expected. They mix like oil and water, and we should be seeing that already. We are, in places, yes. That's why I said have Billy stay there, not to make a third trip.

Anyway, I'll post more when I finish, but I think you're on the right track with this, and you're not as far off as you think. Like I said, the biggest thing for me right now is the flow. You might serve this story better by even cutting some scenes. Like, a svelte 105-110. 117 is basically two hours and, for a rom com, that might be a bit much. It seems you're trying to pack too much in here, and it may be detracting from the story instead of embellishing it.

That said, The Shining scene on the airplane is fucking comedy GOLD! Loved it. Personally, I would lose Billy explaining it to the mother afterwards. Any viewer who doesn't get that reference doesn't deserve to see this movie anyway.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Up to page 70 as of last night, and should finish later. I don't think there is anything wrong with making Billy a bad guy. Honestly, I don't really see him as a bad guy. He's our protag, a bit of an asshole, and we know that he'll have some sort of arc where he sees the light. But not too much. Being an asshole is sort of Billy's charm, in a sense. However, at an hour and ten in, we should now be solely focused on just Billy and Jenna. At this point Billy is going back for a third time. Personally, I would cut that. Let him stay there after the second trip. There's a lot of comedy/ drama to be had in that little town, and Billy going back a third time breaks the flow of the story in the regard that he and Jenna should now be the main focus. We've seen enough of Darlene and Sebastian. A phone call would suffice. But Billy, at page 70 or even before, needs to be actively courting Jenna. A little good natured back and forth, a teaming of the two, a reluctant partnership -- say, on the Netflix deal -- is something to be expected. They mix like oil and water, and we should be seeing that already. We are, in places, yes. That's why I said have Billy stay there, not to make a third trip. Anyway, I'll post more when I finish, but I think you're on the right track with this, and you're not as far off as you think. Like I said, the biggest thing for me right now is the flow. You might serve this story better by even cutting some scenes. Like, a svelte 105-110. 117 is basically two hours and, for a rom com, that might be a bit much. It seems you're trying to pack too much in here, and it may be detracting from the story instead of embellishing it. That said, The Shining scene on the airplane is fucking comedy GOLD! Loved it. Personally, I would lose Billy explaining it to the mother afterwards. Any viewer who doesn't get that reference doesn't deserve to see this movie anyway. Steve

Thanks - yeah, I working on trimming now - I like your suggestion

Dave,

Finished this. I think you lose track a little towards the end, say about the last half of act 2. The part where Billy and Jenna start writing together. This, aside from the writing, is their "getting to know you" phase, but you have them spend most of the time writing together in a room. They need to branch out, go somewhere, do something spontaneous. Billy's a fish out of water, so maybe have her take him to some country dance filled with toothless hicks or something. Billy would have a lot of fun with something like that, I think. Anyhow, I think that area of the script needs the most work. Yes, we need to see them working together, but I think it's just as important to see them out of that environment so that part of the story doesn't get stale.

Act 3 worked well for me. The part where Jenna opened up about her husband was gold, and was a perfect segway into them consumating their relationship.

Personally, I would lose the As Good As It Gets reference. For me, having someone name drop a movie in a movie is like nails on a chalkboard! Haha.

Other than that, I liked this a whole bunch. You had some laugh out loud moments, touching moments. A nice mix.

Hope some of this helps.

Steve