Quoted from SAC Dave, Finished this. I think you lose track a little towards the end, say about the last half of act 2. The part where Billy and Jenna start writing together. This, aside from the writing, is their "getting to know you" phase, but you have them spend most of the time writing together in a room. They need to branch out, go somewhere, do something spontaneous. Billy's a fish out of water, so maybe have her take him to some country dance filled with toothless hicks or something. Billy would have a lot of fun with something like that, I think. Anyhow, I think that area of the script needs the most work. Yes, we need to see them working together, but I think it's just as important to see them out of that environment so that part of the story doesn't get stale. Act 3 worked well for me. The part where Jenna opened up about her husband was gold, and was a perfect segway into them consumating their relationship. Personally, I would lose the As Good As It Gets reference. For me, having someone name drop a movie in a movie is like nails on a chalkboard! Haha. Other than that, I liked this a whole bunch. You had some laugh out loud moments, touching moments. A nice mix. Hope some of this helps. Steve

All good thoughts.  Thanks!

Ahoy Dave,

I see you've entered this in a comp already -- so I'm not necessarily going to critique what you've done -- more like compliment. So pardon me if I don't do a total "point by point." Here's the Reader's Digest version:

Overall, I think “Baggage” is a well crafted story with some extremely charming characters. The script did an excellent job of introducing them all in memorable ways, underlining and emphasizing characters which would play major roles, and efficiently cueing the audience on supporting characters...I loved most of the characters, especially the main duo, Billy an especially fun character to read and I love his growth from egotistical jerk to a very lovable guy. I also enjoyed the interaction between Sebastian and Billy.

However, I wanted to slap the shite out of Heather. Women like that gets my goat.

The highlight for me was the dialogue itself. It was very funny and light and I enjoyed reading the different voices of each character and discovering their wit. It just manages to feel timeless and epic, yet natural (never stiff or wooden), which is no easy task.  

A fun, quick read. Methinks it should farewell. Best of Irish luck!-A

Thanks so much for the read in the very kind words, Ghostie.  Much appreciated. You made my evening

Just letting you know, Dave, in case you're not aware... -A. (Andrea) is half of the _ghostwriters duo.
I do believe (she can correct me if I'm wrong) that glam shot in the Avatar (above) is her in the driver's seat.

Quoted from LC Just letting you know, Dave, in case you're not aware... -A. (Andrea) is half of the _ghostwriters duo. I do believe (she can correct me if I'm wrong) that glam shot in the Avatar (above) is her in the driver's seat.

Gracias!

Oh, just seeing this! I'm going to read

Quoted from khamanna Oh, just seeing this! I'm going to read

Cool. Thanks

Page 7 - LOL @ I don’t want to live a life without you in it. Fucking perfect!

Serengeti thing might be too long to be worth it? Nitpick, ignore me.

Billy is a barely likeable mess.  I can relate.

10 - Nice transition from Billy getting knocked out to the luggage losing it's passenger narration. Robert McKee can stuff it, right? https://youtu.be/_VseQe4TFsg?t=53

In all seriousness, even if you remove the voice over, I think it would still work because you're showing visually the travel of the luggage. Maybe with one change letting us know it's Billy's luggage.

13 - What if Jenna preaches to Dwight to "please wear gloves", but Dwight is too macho to wear them. Next thing we know he pulls out a hot pink dildo that wiggles back and forth in his hand. "what's that smell?", screams, throwing it away. Next scene: Dwight scrubbing his hands in a fury. Dwight putting on a gas mask and two sets of gloves.

Ran out of time for now, will continue later. I like the structure, and reads well. Witty and charming.

I do wonder if the narration stifles the characters from taking a more active role in making scenes funnier, rather than you (the narrator) providing the punchline? But at the end of the day, it still works as is. We can always go 100 different directions, and ultimately the narrator may be required to pull it off how you envisioned it. Reminds me a bit of Terminal

- Rob

Quoted from Robert Timsah Page 7 - LOL @ I don’t want to live a life without you in it. Fucking perfect! Serengeti thing might be too long to be worth it? Nitpick, ignore me. Billy is a barely likeable mess.  I can relate. 10 - Nice transition from Billy getting knocked out to the luggage losing it's passenger narration. Robert McKee can stuff it, right? https://youtu.be/_VseQe4TFsg?t=53 In all seriousness, even if you remove the voice over, I think it would still work because you're showing visually the travel of the luggage. Maybe with one change letting us know it's Billy's luggage. 13 - What if Jenna preaches to Dwight to "please wear gloves", but Dwight is too macho to wear them. Next thing we know he pulls out a hot pink dildo that wiggles back and forth in his hand. "what's that smell?", screams, throwing it away. Next scene: Dwight scrubbing his hands in a fury. Dwight putting on a gas mask and two sets of gloves. Ran out of time for now, will continue later. I like the structure, and reads well. Witty and charming. I do wonder if the narration stifles the characters from taking a more active role in making scenes funnier, rather than you (the narrator) providing the punchline? But at the end of the day, it still works as is. We can always go 100 different directions, and ultimately the narrator may be required to pull it off how you envisioned it. Reminds me a bit of Terminal - Rob

Thanks for reading and weighing in, Robert - I appreciate it. Loved the YouTube clip - that was great!

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks for reading and weighing in, Robert - I appreciate it. Loved the YouTube clip - that was great!

No problem, sir. Adaptation is a great movie for us scribes. Good luck with the script.

Quoted from Robert Timsah No problem, sir. Adaptation is a great movie for us scribes. Good luck with the script.

thanks

Well, I entered this into 4 competitions.

Just got notice that it made the quarterfinals in the ScreenCraft Comedy Competition - first one out of the gate so I am feeling optimistic

Congrats!

Bravo. Congrats, Dave. That's pretty damn consistent performance. But I just had a funny feeling about your script as I read it. Call it women's intuition or whathaveyou’s. Speaking for both of us -- all the best going forward.-A

Quoted from Warren Congrats!

Thanks, mate.