SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 11:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Question regarding Active Voice Moderators: George Willson
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Question regarding Active Voice  (currently 3409 views)
BenL
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 5:13am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey,

I have a question for the native speakers regarding the active voice. Example:

A man sits behind his desk, working on a laptop.

A man sits behind his desk, works on a laptop.

What's the difference between these two? I know that the first one is simple present + present progressive and the second is just simple present but I've seen both versions in other scripts and I'm not sure what to use. Probably depends on the action!?

Is it necesarry to pick one style and stick with it throughout the whole script?

Thanks in advance!

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
BenL  -  July 6th, 2016, 8:58am
Logged
e-mail
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 7:51am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
When I first started writing there were some rules that everyone knew and most followed. Things have loosened up a LOT since then and many writers have their own style that would've been considered a no no years back. I was told early on to not use 'ing words. Then on another site someone said to avoid the words 'as' and 'and'. At that time, my English was pretty horrible, so this made me terrified of writing badly, so I stuck to that advice like glue. As a result, my writing style is not the best, it's often short clipped and terse. I so wish I could write beautifully in English, but I can't. However, due to those rules and me being scared of breaking them, I'm always told my scripts read fast! And, that has turned out to be a big +.

So, in your sample, by avoiding the 'ing word, your line got shorter or faster to read. As far as grammar goes, I have no clue why works is active and working is not. Someone schooled in English would have to explain that one.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
BenL
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 8:56am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I try to follow the rules as much as possible but sometimes I can't see what's the big deal. Just like in this case.

Both sentences seem absolutely fine to me. Not sure about this "reads faster" thing tho. It's good if the script reads fast but the difference is marginal. Of course, if a whole script is written in present progressive it might have an effect.

Currently I'm using both of these versions. Don't know if that's a problem...!?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 28
BenL
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks for the comment. This was just a random example.

I didn't mean to say that he sits down. He's already sitting there and types on the laptop. Thanks for clearing that up, it's not that easy when you're not a native speaker.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 28
rendevous
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43

Quoted from BenL
it's not that easy when you're not a native speaker.


WHat does that mean?

Rev


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
eldave1
Posted: July 6th, 2016, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Neither are a sin. My personal preference of the two you offered is:

A man sits behind his desk, working on a laptop.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
BenL
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 2:17am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks for the comments.

I really need to get rid of these thoughts of having to follow the rules all the time. As CJ said, it doesn't help. Quite the opposite...
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 11:56am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from CJ Walley
Just keep reminding yourself where the rules always seem to stem from; lackeys, troll reviewers, coverage providers, self proclaimed gurus - many of whom are failed writers either trying to make an easy buck off amateurs or trying to knock others down to build themselves up.




So far from reality, it's actually quite humorous.

It's always the ones who are poor "writers" who spout such nonsense.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



The reason we write screenplays in active voice (as much as is possible) is because it punches images into the reader's mind rather than easing them in like a novel. The better screenwriters are better at doing this and can get away with twisting the rules. The problems usually only arise when weaker screenwriters attempt the same thing but don't pull it off.

First learn to follow the rules before considering breaking them. Screenwriting is an art form and takes a while to perfect.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from CJ Walley


You know what, Jeff. You've won.

I can't take this crap from you anymore and can't be part of a community where it's so routinely accepted.


In all fairness, Jeff just twisted around your own insult. You called people that recommend the rules trolls, egoists and con artists. Jeff twisted this around and called the opposite (people that recommend breaking the rules), poor writers.

It's tit for tat.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from DustinBowcot
In all fairness, Jeff just twisted around your own insult. You called people that recommend the rules trolls, egoists and con artists. Jeff twisted this around and called the opposite (people that recommend breaking the rules), poor writers.
It's tit for tat.


Very true.

CJ, I did not throw anything directly at you, either, nor was it intended that way.

What I said is very true - that those "writers" who struggle with grammar or the like, always are the ones who say it doesn't or shouldn't matter.

What I always say is that grammar, spelling, structure, and all things "writing" matter a Hell of alot.  When something is "wrong" it's downright wrong and really can't be argued.

Writing a "great story" is subjective and will always be so.

One should always strive to be a "good writer" first, because that's universal. Stories are hit and miss and will always be so.

Revision History (1 edits)
BenL  -  July 7th, 2016, 2:43pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 28
eldave1
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
Very true.


In this case, I concur.


Quoted Text
CJ, I did not throw anything directly at you, either, nor was it intended that way.


Oh C'mon for Christ sakes - just own it. You directly quote the dude and then say:

"It's always the ones who are poor "writers" who spout such nonsense" So of course you meant to throw something directly at him. It could not have been more specific of directed.


Quoted Text
What I said is very true - that those "writers" who struggle with grammar or the like, always are the ones who say it doesn't or shouldn't matter.


Not sure I have ever seen a post here arguing for poor grammar.


Quoted Text
What I always say is that grammar, spelling, structure, and all things "writing" matter a Hell of alot.  When something is "wrong" it's downright wrong and really can't be argued.


No arguments on grammar and spelling. Structure and all things writing are far too broad for a when something is wrong it is downright wrong conclusion. I like asides when properly used - some hare them and think they have no place. Same with unfilmables. I like more specific times of day (dawn, dusk) in slugs. I love bold slug lines, etc. etc. etc. These are the "all  things writing" issues that are generally the subject of debate and there simple is no downright wrong or right.  


Quoted Text
Writing a "great story" is subjective and will always be so.


Concur


Quoted Text
One should always strive to be a "good writer" first, because that's universal. Stories are hit and miss and will always be so.


Concur - but there will be wide varying interpretations of what constitutes a good writer.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
cloroxmartini
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 3:29am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14

Quoted from BenL
Hey,

I have a question for the native speakers regarding the active voice. Example:

A man sits behind his desk, working on a laptop.

A man sits behind his desk, works on a laptop.

What's the difference between these two? I know that the first one is simple present + present progressive and the second is just simple present but I've seen both versions in other scripts and I'm not sure what to use. Probably depends on the action!?

Is it necesarry to pick one style and stick with it throughout the whole script?

Thanks in advance!


Imagine a different route and that is to visualize the scene, I this case, I am in a room, and I see a man, sits, behind, his desk, working on a laptop.

Forget the ing stuff and go deeper, that is where your tone will come from that you need to carry on with.

Ask questions. Who is the man? What is his occupation? Is it his desk? Is he sitting or standing? You said sit, but go deeper. Is it his laptop? Is he typing or working on it?

Is it Clark Kent trying to meet a deadline?

So you could simplify with A MAN at a desk clacks away on a laptop. Leave "his" out of it because we don't know that. Clacking away at a laptop? Ing is just fine here. Nobody will notice. Because clacking or clacks invokes a noise that overshadows the rest. Typing or types invokes something more than working as well. But really, it's how you start using the little words that can really help it be visualized more.

A woman sitting on a park bench. Now if you wrote is sitting, then you should ditch the "is."

A dog runs (lopes, lol lights, trots, sprints) across the lawn.

Like Pia said, it just reads quicker.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
BenL
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 5:52am Report to Moderator
Guest User



These little words you mentioned are one of the problems I'm facing while writing my feature.

I just don't have the same vocabulary as a native speaker. Of course there are dictionaries but still, it's just not the same.

I always think that my script reads a little "awkward" because there are a lot of words that I use over and over again and the sentences seems simple and not that appealing.

But aside from all this stuff and all the rules, I'll just continue to write what comes to my mind and then do the editing/fine tuning later.

Thanks for all the comments and helpful advice!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 9:19am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from CJ Walley
I worded my comments about where the rules stem from badly. I did not mean to imply anybody recommending the rules was a troll, egoist, or con artist (thanks to Jeff Junior for the paraphrasing). What I was trying to say, and failed to make clear, is that I feel many of the rules that trouble people are created by unproven experts and spread verbatim by those who follow blindly, those who use them against others, and those who see a way to make easy money. These are the rules found in various screenwriting books and consultant blogs that are easily copied and pasted around communities until they become axioms. Examples would include the “7 Deadly Sins of Writing” in the book 101 Reasons Your Screenplay Sucks, or "50 Dead Giveaways That You’re an Amateur Writer” blog post by Danny Manus, or the rant about how we should all use a 5-act structure in the book Screenwriting 101 by Film Crit Hulk!. I feel this kind of advice is a cynical form of scaremongering that oversimplifies complex and often subjective issues in attempt to raise the author’s profile while driving amateurs to dwell on the superficial. I do not equate the same feelings toward a writer pointing out core presentational issues with writing - however, I do feel even that can be taken far too seriously at times by some. Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway for clarity, issues with typos, grammar, lucidity, efficiency, impact, and presentation should always be addressed by any aspiring writer, to their full ability, and with a hunger to improve without detriment to their motivation or creativity. I agree that ignorance and dismissiveness hinders progress more than it helps.

For what it’s worth, I personally have a tremendous respect for you Jeff, a writer who I believe boasts a decade of experience, authored one of if not the most read and applauded scripts within this community, and one of the few out there who’s been offered hard cash for his work. I feel you are, without doubt, an excellent writer with admirable talent, who’s work I certainly enjoy reading and aspiring toward. That said, I cannot fathom where your eagerness to chide and humiliate others stems from because it's quite frankly beneath you. In the year I’ve actively been a part of this community, which is one blessed with some of the nicest and most talented creatives I’ve come to meet, you have insulted my work, my profile picture, my strapline, and now my writing ability at its core. All of which, you’ll be delighted to know, I have changed as a direct result of your comments and have gradually lost confidence in altogether - and this is the thing, you (along with Dustin to an extent) terrify me, and I’ve posted with a consistent fear of your sharp rebuttals and harsh feedback since day one. The fact is, I’m too weak to continue and too jaded to find any positives in doing so. You make this place a hard and negative arena to contribute toward, and you know what, maybe that’s for a greater long-term good. Perhaps you will bootcamp a stream of poor writers into something special. Perhaps you already have. All I know is that I cannot watch it and I cannot take it. So, in my best imaginary Jeff Bush voice “I’m out!”.

I’ll sign off with this. In my first year of writing, I was deluded/arrogant enough to submit my first few scripts to the BlackList and Amazon Studios. For all my technical writing flaws, terrible grammar, abundant typos, formatting issues, and complete ignorance of the rules, I did get spotlighted a few times by both - I guess because a few people in the system gave me a break. Some didn’t though, and I’ll never forget just how incredibly low their admonishment made me feel. It’s this experience that has always caused me to try and find the love in other people’s work in an attempt to keep them motivated enough to continue and hone their craft. The fact is, writing hurts enough without us writers having to hurt each other.


Where's my violin?

Well, thanks for the underhand insult. I merely pointed out the contradictory nature of your accusation. If I didn't have a thicker skin, I'd be really offended... perhaps enough to whine on like a little baby for several paragraphs.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 10:52am Report to Moderator
Guest User



CJ, in all honesty, it hurts me when I see that I've hurt someone else.  You may not believe that, but it is true.

I appreciate your kind words toward me as a writer.  I wish you knew the person I really am...and that's not a mean spirited bully who gets pleasure in hurting peeps' feelings.

I do enjoy a good scrap, be it verbal, in written form, or even physical, but I'm way too old for the physical altercations these days.  I actually think it's healthy to have a verbal spar, and sometimes, even enjoyable, but that's because I don't take it personally, and I always thought others didn't either, but I see that's definitely not the case here, and for that, I apologize.

I do stand behind what I preach and believe in it wholeheartedly.  There's nothing wrong with different opinions, and again, I find it very healthy and thought provoking.  We're all such different people and different view points is what makes this world go round.

I have absolutely nothing against you as a person and obviously know very little about you, but here's one thing I do know - you take things too seriously and too personally.  You must grow a thicker skin and understand how the world works,

My motto in life is "Never say die", "Never surrender", and "Never give up or give in".

I don't follow the flock and never will, and I'm proud to say that and actually live me life in that vein.

We have different view points in terms of writing and what makes for a "good script".  That's OK...that's not a bad thing.  It offers others the chance to choose for themselves, be their own thinker, and possibly blaze their own trails.

I hope you take this to heart and stay on the SS ship, as you're a valuable addition and have alot to add.

Again, my sincerest apology.  I hope you accept it.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 28
Demento
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
946
Posts Per Day
0.25

Quoted from CJ Walley
I have changed as a direct result of your comments and have gradually lost confidence in altogether - and this is the thing, you (along with Dustin to an extent) terrify me, and I’ve posted with a consistent fear of your sharp rebuttals and harsh feedback since day one.


I like you CJ, but you have to grow thicker skin, man. This is the internet. This is life. You'll catch insults, criticisms if you put anything out there publicly. That's just how things work, few will care about your feeling, instead they'll try to build themselves up from your shortcomings. Can't let what anyone says get to you.

I actually like Dustin, I find him harsh but fair. I don't remember him attacking anyone unless provoked. I have no problem with him and rather enjoy his activity on this board.

Jeff on the other hand, well... I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to post in threads about "rules" with opinions that I knew would irk Jeff, in order to bait him to respond. I didn't really share those opinions 100%, I merely posted them so that he would respond. Sure enough, he would post in the thread. Usually very fast. Which I would guess, cause I know he follows those threads closely. Then I would reply with another opinion and I would go against him some more. My favorite part was that I would frequently make up quotes about what famous writers have said about rules and post them. They will contradict Jeff's opinion. My goal in this game was for him to lower himself and being with his insults. His post often contain a lot of emotions. Sure enough, he would rarely disappoint and I would crack a smile. You have to find ways to entertain yourself and make a positive out of anything negative, or anyone negative.

So, if you don't like someone. Don't stoop to their level and don't take them seriously. Realistically no one here (including me) is tremendously successful, so... it's not like anyone here is a factor. If you think someone is knowledgeable and is offering goodhearted criticisms that's trying to help you, take it. If not, disregard it and go about your day.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Demento
Jeff on the other hand, well... I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to post in threads about "rules" with opinions that I knew would irk Jeff, in order to bait him to respond. I didn't really share those opinions 100%, I merely posted them so that he would respond. Sure enough, he would post in the thread. Usually very fast. Which I would guess, cause I know he follows those threads closely. Then I would reply with another opinion and I would go against him some more. My favorite part was that I would frequently make up quotes about what famous writers have said about rules and post them. They will contradict Jeff's opinion. My goal in this game was for him to lower himself and being with his insults. His post often contain a lot of emotions. Sure enough, he would rarely disappoint and I would crack a smile. You have to find ways to entertain yourself and make a positive out of anything negative, or anyone negative.





That's some funny shit, dude.  It makes me happy that I can entertain you.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 17 - 28
James McClung
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49

Quoted from Demento
Jeff on the other hand, well... I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to post in threads about "rules" with opinions that I knew would irk Jeff, in order to bait him to respond. I didn't really share those opinions 100%, I merely posted them so that he would respond. Sure enough, he would post in the thread. Usually very fast. Which I would guess, cause I know he follows those threads closely. Then I would reply with another opinion and I would go against him some more. My favorite part was that I would frequently make up quotes about what famous writers have said about rules and post them. They will contradict Jeff's opinion. My goal in this game was for him to lower himself and being with his insults. His post often contain a lot of emotions. Sure enough, he would rarely disappoint and I would crack a smile. You have to find ways to entertain yourself and make a positive out of anything negative, or anyone negative.



Quoted from Dreamscale


That's some funny shit, dude.  It makes me happy that I can entertain you.


Ha! This worked out splendidly! Love it!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 28
eldave1
Posted: July 8th, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Shame that you are leaving CJ as I thought you often had good insight. This place is tame - at least based on other sites I have seen. IMO - it's the differences of opinion here that makes it interesting - polite unanimity would be boring and I would have never learned as much as I did. Anway - good sailing to you. Hope to see you back one day.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 9th, 2016, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Let's just throw away all the rules... nobody is allowed to give their opinion unless it agrees with CJ's... because, as we all should know, his is the only opinion that is right. Anyone not agreeing with that is a troll, egoist or con artist that are either putting other writers down, self serving or just after your money.

People have opinions, sometimes they write those opinions down in books and sell them so that others can read and dwell on them. They're not holy books that you must adhere to or you go to screenwriter hell. It's up to you to use what makes most sense to you and the style you write with. But without those opinions being there, we can never know whether we agree with them or not. Indeed, some would never learn anything.

I learned a lot from Blake Snyder's book, but I don't use it as a bible. I took what I needed from it and moved on. If that was nothing, then I wouldn't have considered him a con man, merely somebody that I just didn't agree with. There's no need to be insulting.

Wanker.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 20 - 28
KevinW
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 8:21am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hello there,

It is my first post, and I am kinda worried. (I have to admit, I haven't read all the answers to the question)

Do you know that these sentences do not mean EXACTLY the same?



Quoted Text
A man sits behind his desk, working on a laptop.

The audience does not perceive the whole act of working on a laptop


Quoted Text
A man sits behind his desk, works on a laptop.

This sentence has, according to the rules I've learned at University in Heidelberg(Germany), my majors are History and English, several issues.
1) It is not a correct sentece --> the simple form after a comma needs a pronoun ( maybe English isn't that much about rules, though, but that's what Uni teaches its students in Germany ...)
2) If fixed the sentence describes the following:
The man sits there and starts to work, only when the camera hits him and stops before we (assuming we are the audience) are taken away from the scene. The whole act of working on the laptop is presented.

--> this is a small difference in meaning. But it COULD be a decisive one ...

About script-style I do know nothing at all, however in term papers the message mostly is "avoid progressive forms".
I personally like progressive-forms. They suggest, well, progress ...

  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I don't really know what you're trying to say here. I'm a native English speaker and the sentences read fine to me. Are you suggesting that we must indicate that the laptop belongs to him? It's just a laptop as far as the screen is concerned. Perhaps in more prose-like writings we would use a pronoun, but for the screen, we train ourselves to only write what can be translated to the screen. For all intents and purposes we don't need to declare ownership unless we can do so visually.

However, certain leeway is given, as in the sentences above a pronoun is used to show who owns the desk. Ideally we would write, A man sits at a desk, works on a laptop.

That is the most active way to write the sentence, IMO. The comma replaces the conjunction 'and'. It may be a little sketchy. I actually don't like it in this instance, although it does work, I'd still rather use the conjunction 'and'.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 22 - 28
eldave1
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Concur with Dustin


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 28
KevinW
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 2:39am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from DustinBowcot
I don't really know what you're trying to say here. I'm a native English speaker and the sentences read fine to me. Are you suggesting that we must indicate that the laptop belongs to him?

Nope, I'd say my, that the sentence SHOULD read

Quoted Text
A man sits behind his/a desk, he works on a laptop
The missing "he" right after the comma bugs me (not that my english is by any means perfect or something like that, maybe it's just our professors who try to make us follow rules too hard)


Quoted Text
It's just a laptop as far as the screen is concerned. Perhaps in more prose-like writings we would use a pronoun, but for the screen, we train ourselves to only write what can be translated to the screen. For all intents and purposes we don't need to declare ownership unless we can do so visually.

"A man sits at a/his desk, he works on a laptop" can be translated to the screen, exactly the same way as "AA man sits at a/his desk, works on a laptop" ?  


Quoted Text

However, certain leeway is given, as in the sentences above a pronoun is used to show who owns the desk. Ideally we would write, A man sits at a desk, works on a laptop.
  This sentence seems fine, I think ...


Quoted Text

That is the most active way to write the sentence, IMO. The comma replaces the conjunction 'and'.
A mere comma cannot replace an 'and' in English, according to what I've learned (again, I am not saying my english is better than yours, a wise woman once said "The native speakers are always right", sadly she wasn't a professor but a first semester student ....) In terms of replacing 'and' we have learned a semi-colon is ',and' and vice-versa.

Quoted Text

It may be a little sketchy. I actually don't like it in this instance, although it does work, I'd still rather use the conjunction 'and'.

I'd probably go for my sentence, but I think that's a style question.

And thanks for the reply, I think from your answer I have already learned something.
--> Script style vs. Prose Style vs. scientific writing


Quoted Text
but for the screen, we train ourselves to only write what can be translated to the screen.

THANKS for that obvious statement (that is not irony!) I have to admit, I started my script because people told me they could imagine it in visual form, so I jumped right in. Regarding screenplay writing style, I have not the slightest idea about that. The formatting is fine, as long as Amazon-storywriter uses the correct standard. (That's a different topic, though, so let's stick to the topic )

Again, as I'm worried this might be insulting... I never intended to hurt anyone's feelings or doubt one's capability to write/speak proper english, maybe I am totally off, or it might be irrelevant.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



You're confusing irony with sarcasm.

Your example I would write as two sentences.


Quoted Text
A man sits behind his/a desk, he works on a laptop.



You don't need to write 'he' in the second part of the sentence as the subject (the person the sentence is about) has not changed.

I also don't like the 'works' part of that sentence. I would be more specific and use 'types'. As it stands the image is too ambiguous. Working on a laptop could also mean that he is fixing it.

I haven't taken anything you've said as insulting. So long as the image is clear then this is the most important thing. Most people would read 'works on a laptop' as they typing on it... so it would probably suffice... although on an edit we really should seek to make the images as clear as possible to the reader. We should also endeavour to make the action read as quickly as possible. This means we can get away with missing out words like 'and' and replacing them with a comma.

It's not a general rule. You can't replace every 'and' with a comma... but there occasions when we can and do.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 28
eldave1
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Again, this is fine - although I would add you could even make it more specific. Just as an example.

A man sits at desk furiously tapping the keys of a laptop.

This might show he was agitated.

OR

A man sits at desk methodically tapping the keys of a laptop.

This might show he was calm.

OR

A man sits at desk pecking the keys on a laptop.

This might show he was not computer savvy.

The point being, you can add other useful descriptors to set a tone.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 28
TonyDionisio
Posted: August 8th, 2016, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Now you're writing, Dave. Spice it up!

A man slaves over a desk. Aching fingers lumber across clicking laptop keys.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 27 - 28
eldave1
Posted: August 9th, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
A man slaves over a desk. Aching fingers lumber across clicking laptop keys.


Like it - perfectly describes me while writing


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Screenwriting Class  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006