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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Explaining Writing Decisions Through Dialogue Moderators: George Willson
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  Author    Explaining Writing Decisions Through Dialogue  (currently 559 views)
Steven
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Hear me out because this is somewhat tricky to explain.

You know how in some movies the character's motivation is questionable to us, the audience? Well, what if that was addressed in some way?

Here is an example from a screenplay that I'm writing, it's a western. The main plot point revolves around the fact that the Sheriff who has been running the town is actually a murderer. A high profile bounty, chaperoned by two Marshals, recognizes him from his own past and figures things out.

This is from about page 50 in the screenplay (I'm shifting things around, not sure where this will actually land). Sorry for the formatting.

Montgomery is my Sheriff, Rollins is one of the Marshals and John is the bounty, who is already in the cell.

Montgomery looks defeated as Rollins PULLS the Sheriff's star from his vest.

ROLLINS
Gimme they keys to the cell.

MONTGOMERY
Top drawer.

Ardell looks in the top drawer, finds the key and tosses it to Rollins.

ROLLINS (to Montgomery)
Step one pace back, two paces to your left.

Rollins opens the cell door.

ROLLINS (to John)
Sit down.

He grabs Montgomery and PUSHES him into the cell, closes the door behind him.

ROLLINS
What's the matter, no more fight left in ya?

Montgomery stands face to face with John, neither losing eye contact.

MONTGOMERY
'Bout time I faced these things. Sort 'em all out, see what's what.

A lot of people would read this, and the events leading up to it, and wonder "why is this guy just willingly walking into the cell?" I think that I explained why he's doing that, but is there anything wrong with this? I don't think there always has to be a conflict, or tension, or whatever you want to call it.
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Herb335
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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So i'm assuming Montgomery wants to be put in that cell because he feels guilty. You could try making Rollins and Montgomery more expressive.

I haven't read the script, but i'm assuming this is after Montgomery's actions have been brought to light. You could try something like;

----------------------------------------------------------
BOUNTY sits on the cell bench, handcuffed, heavily bruised.

MONTGOMERY sulks in the office corner, stare to the derelict wall ahead.

ROLLINS (O.S)
Look at me.

Montgomery's breathing quickens.

MONTGOMERY
Just... just finish it.

Montgomery's eyes clasp shut.

MONTGOMERY
Just finish it.

ROLLINS (O.S)
Only a coward shoots an unarmed man in the back, as you did. And I'll not be made a coward.

A tear falls to Montgomery's cheek. He wipes it away.

ROLLINS(O.S)
You will look at me, or I will smack you toward my general direction.

Montgomery clears his throat, inhales sharply through his nostrils, turns to face-

ROLLINS, who grips a .357 Magnum tilted squarely to Montgomery's head.

Montgomery's stare falls to the gun. He shivers in place.

ROLLINS
Keys.

Montgomery's hand trembles as it raises, slowly. Points to the desk which sits behind ARDELL.

Ardell opens the top drawer. Grabs the keys. Hastens to the cell door. Unlocks it. The SCREECH of the rusted door fills the room as it's pulled open. Ardell stands aside it.

ROLLINS
One pace toward me, two paces toward the cell.

Montgomery wobbles one pace forward, then two paces toward the cell entrance.

ROLLINS
Get in there.

Montgomery treads a single step forward.

Rollins runs behind Montgomery, shoves him in face first. Bounty divess out of his seat to the side. Montgomery stumbles, hits his head on the bench.

Rollins slams the door shut. The bolt CLANKS. Locked.

Montgomery eyes to the floor, pivots on his knees toward Rollins.

MONTGOMERY
B-bout time I faced this. S-Sorted it out.

Tears stream down Montgomery's face. His voice trembles.

MONTGOMERY
I knowed what I was doing. I-I-I know I need to face it.

Montgomery's runny gaze rises toward heaven.

MONTGOMERY
I am sorry for my past transgressions.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mind you, i'm still not entirely clear on the context of the scene, so everything I just wrote could still be wrong. I interpreted it to mean he was unwilling to face his actions, and just wanted to be shot instead of eventually hung. The guilt is too much for him to handle.

Could you further explain Montgomery's intention? Was he upset by his actions, or did the marshals just corner him? Or both?


"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard

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Herb335  -  December 12th, 2016, 1:11pm
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Steven
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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I like what you did, and I have the problem of extending the scene and making things a bit more interesting. I tend to get right to the point when it comes to action lines. Sometimes that's the way it should be, other times it feels rushed.

Here is a brief synopsis. Also the thread for my 3/4 finished screenplay - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1480525916/

It's basically this, in a nutshell.

Montgomery and John (the other man in the cell) have a history. They used to wreak havoc together (raids, murder, etc).

During a flashback going back 10 years, we see the two of them conducting their business and Montgomery takes things a bit too far.

In the flashback I've made it apparent that John is somewhat tired of the way Montgomery does things, and this was the last straw. A fight breaks out, both injured, John assumed dead. Montgomery is able to mount his horse and it delivers him to the town in which the story takes place.

He's rehabilitated by a whore in a brothel, because why not, and he decides to turn his life around in the process.

In the present, however, John is captured near this town where Montgomery resides. Montgomery has completely forgotten John and doesn't pay any mind, but John sees little things, hears some dialogue that brings up certain memories, and everything is brought back when he witnesses Montgomery doing something violent outside of the jail house.

In the flashback, there is a scene that is directly duplicated in the present, John witnesses both of them and it clicks for not only him, but the audience as well.

The flashback scene has a superimposed "Some Years Ago." There are no character names so you aren't really certain of who is shown on screen.

So when Montgomery is caught, he basically just goes along with it. I'm at the point in the story where his remorse needs to be shown, or at least show that he's accepting his fate, regardless or remorse.

By the way, the Sheriff is elected by the town. So when he's rehabilitated, his violent ways surface but they better the town. Within the 10 year time frame he goes from gravely injured stranger to the town's Sheriff.
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Herb335
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Why does he feel guilty for his transgressions all of a sudden? Why not turn himself in much sooner?

It seems more likely that the Sheriff would put up a fight instead of going away quietly. Maybe a “this town needs someone to fight people like me. I'm the only one that can do it”, sort of thing.

It seems like this character primarily expresses his emotions through violence, so you could try expressing his remorse through violence. Maybe he eggs the Marshals on, trying to force them to shoot him. “Either you die, or I do” sort of thing.


"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard
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Steven
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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I'm struggling with this part of the screenplay.

I've changed around some very key plot points, doesn't really pertain to the brief scene I laid out earlier, but thought I'd mention it.

I don't know if I NEED the sheriff to be remorseful. I mean, it's alright to not have a good guy in the story. I already know the ending, in fact I have it written - the sheriff and John both are hanged. I knew that much going in, and wanted to work toward that goal.

When I started this, I only knew that I wanted a town sheriff that turned bad, or was bad all along, and someone outed him.

Montgomery's arc is basically violent criminal gets hurt, finds some good in himself and uses his violent ways to help rectify a horrible town. But in the end, his old ways catch up with him and regardless of his decade long run as sheriff, he still has to pay the price.

Oh, did you read the screenplay partially, or fully? If so, I can tell you what plot points I've changed.
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Herb335
Posted: December 14th, 2016, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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You don't *need* a character to do anything except stay consistent to their characterization, and allowing them to grow from there. It's easier to get stuck when you start writing primarily with plot in mind, and cease writing with character in mind.


Quoted from Steven

Montgomery's arc is basically violent criminal gets hurt, finds some good in himself and uses his violent ways to help rectify a horrible town. But in the end, his old ways catch up with him and regardless of his decade long run as sheriff, he still has to pay the price.


You have a decent arc there, just build from that. Just ask 'why' a lot. Starting point; Why is Montgomery violent? Why does he give up his criminal life to settle down, and fight people who are what he used to be? How does he find good in himself? What is 'good' to him? How does he protect the town?


"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard

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Herb335  -  December 14th, 2016, 2:55am
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Steven
Posted: December 14th, 2016, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Herb335
You don't *need* a character to do anything except stay consistent to their characterization, and allowing them to grow from there. It's easier to get stuck when you start writing primarily with plot in mind, and cease writing with character in mind.



You have a decent arc there, just build from that. Just ask 'why' a lot. Starting point; Why is Montgomery violent? Why does he give up his criminal life to settle down, and fight people who are what he used to be? How does he find good in himself? What is 'good' to him? How does he protect the town?

If you're interested in finding out a lot of those details, take a look at my screenplay over in the Work in Progress forum.

I need some time away from it, so I'm starting something else that has nothing to do with the western genre.
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