Afternoon you helpful lot.

The opening to my TV pilot is very busy and hectic - quite a few characters.

They appear almost one at a time, and so are not all introduced together. Anyway, the scene is in one room, and the characters are in different areas of the room (some together) doing different things. I want the readers eye to be taken to different areas of the room, on different characters, to see what is going on (rather than seeing the whole thing in one big shot)

At the moment, I am putting in mini slugs with characters names to take us to that part of the room (or if that part of the room has a defining feature, I have used that)

For example

ON CHARACTER 1 & 2

they have a struggle, Character 1 falls over

ON DOOR

Character 3 tries to pry open the door,

ON CHARACTER 4

he weeps in the corner begging for his momma


The actual scene is very action heavy, so thought this was a good way to  not only break it up, but clearly show where the characters are in relation to the room and each other - yay or nay?

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Afternoon you helpful lot. The opening to my TV pilot is very busy and hectic - quite a few characters. They appear almost one at a time, and so are not all introduced together. Anyway, the scene is in one room, and the characters are in different areas of the room (some together) doing different things. I want the readers eye to be taken to different areas of the room, on different characters, to see what is going on (rather than seeing the whole thing in one big shot) At the moment, I am putting in mini slugs with characters names to take us to that part of the room (or if that part of the room has a defining feature, I have used that) For example ON CHARACTER 1 & 2 they have a struggle, Character 1 falls over ON DOOR Character 3 tries to pry open the door, ON CHARACTER 4 he weeps in the corner begging for his momma The actual scene is very action heavy, so thought this was a good way to  not only break it up, but clearly show where the characters are in relation to the room and each other - yay or nay?

Would help to actually see it

Here's my two cents, at a two-cent discount:

In general, I think that shots/subheads would be the way to go in this sort of situation, but the opening scene is a bit of a special case.

Your audience has been thrown into the deep end, and different shots can seem like different scenes (and risk viewers bailing due to disorientation) if you don't carefully tie the shots together. This can be done with sound, or by ensuring that some areas are in the background of the other shots to give everything a sense of being in the same place at the same time.

Keep in the back of your mind that the director is the one who literally calls the shots, and there are some technical factors behind those decisions that might not line up exactly with how you picture it in your head. If a specific type of movement is important to the story (for example, you want to give the impression of a bystander's point-of-view looking from vignette to vignette) then be specific about it. Otherwise, divvy it up in a way that makes it clear to a reader and a viewer what's going on, and the let the director do the directing.

One minor point about being clear: I wouldn't use a character's name in a subhead until that character was properly introduced, CAPS and all. Otherwise, it reads like a bizarre location.

You may be right Dave - Once I have the scene complete I'll put it up

Thank you Frank - Valuable info

I'm not trying to direct, or influence the shots, I don't care that much how the viewer would ultimately see it - It's more for the reader - As I was writing it, I was concerned that someone reading it would get confused about where characters are in relation to each other - Maybe it's bad writing not making it clear?

Your first point makes sense, in this case, it's all in a single room - so in a finished film, you would see the other characters/familiar scenery in the background etc.

Thank you for your 2 cents

Hi Mathew,

I have a couple of questions:

What is the overriding information and emotion you want to get across in this scene?

It's busy. Is it busy as in "panicked busy"? Or is it busy as in just "working hard" busy?

Who is the most important person/persons in the scene or do they all have equal weight?

What is the goal of the scene?

For some reason when you said it was busy, I immediately thought it would be interesting to slow it down and isolate certain shots to give whatever you need particular emphasis.

But I'm just on a creative tangent there. Even still, I was also thinking about studying the work of

Mr. Mise-en-scene  

The following is from Back to the Future where everything is strategically placed ahead of time for one single shot. It really does a darn good job of getting all the information out there in one full creative swoop; so I thought I'd include it here to get you thinking.

Thanks for the thread, this kind of thing always baffles me. Good writers make it look so easy, but there's so much craft involved it's not even funny.

Here's that piece from BTTF

INT. BROWN'S GARAGE (1985) - DAY

      CLOSE ON A TICKING CLOCK, showing 2 minutes to 8.

      CAMERA MOVES, exploring, revealing MORE CLOCKS, of all
      varieties -- cuckoo clocks, digital clocks, a grandfather
      clock, Felix the Cat with moving eyes...and all of them are
      ticking away in DEAD SYNC.

      We continue exploring the garage, noting (in no particular
      order) a jet engine, a stack of unpaid bills addressed to
      "Dr. E. Brown" marked "OVERDUE," automotive tools,
      electronics parts, discarded Burger King wrappers, a video
      camera, an unmade army cot.

      We go past a CLOCK RADIO -- it lights up and comes on.

                                   RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                         ... weather for Hill Valley and
                         vicinity for today, Friday, October
                         25: partly cloudy with a chance of
                         drizzles...

       Now we come to a COFFEE MAKER with a built in clock timer. It
       too turns on -- only there is no coffee pot! Boiling coffee
       drips onto an already wet hot plate.

       Another timer triggers a TV set -- an A.M. NEWSCAST is in
       progress, and the ANCHORWOMAN talks against a slide:
       "Plutonium Theft?" with the yellow and purple radiation
       symbol.

                                   ANCHORWOMAN
                             (ON TV)
                         ... Officials at the Pacific
                         Nuclear Research Facility have
                         denied the rumor that a case of
                         missing plutonium was in fact
                         stolen from their storehouse two
                         weeks ago. A Libyan Terrorist group
                         had claimed responsibility for the
                         alleged theft. Officials now
                         attribute the discrepancy to a
                         simple clerical error. The FBI,
                         which is still investigating the
                         matter, had no comment ...

        We pass a TOASTER attached to a timer. Two pieces of black
        toast sit on it, and as the timer clicks on, the ashen toast
        drops into the toaster...again. Clearly, we are seeing a
        morning routine for someone who hasn't been home for awhile.

        On the floor, a timer clicks on an electric can opener with
        an empty can of dog food. The empty can goes around.
        Below it, in a dog dish labeled "Einstein" is dog food that's
        been sitting for awhile.

        Now we hear a key turning in the service door.

        A pair of feet in Nike tennis shoes enters.

                                   MARTY (O.S.)
                         Doc? Doctor Brown? Hello? Anybody
                         home?

        A skateboard is dropped onto the floor and rolls...under the
        army cot, coming to rest against a yellow case with purple
        radioactivity symbols, stamped "PLUTONIUM. Property of
        Pacific Nuclear Research Facility."

... so yeah we really see the isolation of important information: the thematic significance of time, the absent person who works here is very busy, very messy or both, they have automated gadgets etc... and our attention is split between the voice over and off screen voices due to the fact we're interested in all the visuals so that we hardly notice the V.O. etc and it doesn't come across as (how do I say) fake and stilted.

It's not an easy thing what you're working on with what I suspect is a lot going on.

Sandra

Mathew,

If I were you, I would introduce the main character first and let him or her go to different areas. If no main character, you had to choose one among them.  I mean readers can follow the main character to see the relationship among other different characters. That would make the introduction easy and clear.

Michael

Quoted from MichaelYu Mathew, If I were you, I would introduce the main character first and let him or her go to different areas. If no main character, you had to choose one among them.  I mean readers can follow the main character to see the relationship among other different characters. That would make the introduction easy and clear. Michael

Do you mean main character or  protagonist?

I myself am going to eventually have to decide how to begin the script I'm working on.

I initially started with the protag so that would seem to be well and good, but then I felt I needed to draw up the status quo relating to the main character and do it up front and quickly so I could move the story along and people "get" with what's going on-- motive and jazz... That, and also make for a more dramatic and intense beginning because I kept saying "sucks" to myself and that's never a good sign.  

I think it's mostly good advice to go front and center with either the protag or main character with exceptions...

Can some "pro up" people give us some good examples where this is not the case?

Sandra

I knew this would be a good place to ask the question.

It is a deffo a panic/immediate fight for life scene.

There are 8 main characters for the series - as I have been writing it, a couple have come to the foreground more than others, one especially (The only human) and so he is the first to be introduced

The goal of it is to introduce these characters together (as they have been unwittingly thrust together) and show straight away that these are guys are in the deep end.

A brief outline of the scene - It takes place in a stasis room on a spaceship (although they don't yet know they are on a spaceship) in quick succession they wake up from their stasis pods. The ship is heavily damaged, so they haven't woken up peacefully (siren's, flashing lights - you know the drill)
So these characters are now panicky, they don't know where they are, how they got there, and they don't know each other. Some didn't even know other alien races existed, so there's that as well.
The danger kicks up when a helpful computer voice informs them that the stasis pods have been contaminated and containment procedures are to kick in. one unfortunate alien still in his pod is burnt alive, an empty pod (with door open) explodes sending flames out into the room.

So now I have 8 characters in this room - some trying to break through the door to escape, another trying frantically to help other characters, one frozen in the corner with fear.

These characters are all doing their things at the same time, but it's too much to show all at once, which is why I have used the mini slugs to take us to a particular character or group of characters to show what they are doing.

I'll get a draft of the scene up today hopefully

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys

Matt

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vbOb7bUFpluiOJ4CJf7My1PpIJR-z-7B/view?usp=sharing

Above link is for the opening so you can see what I mean.

Please bear in mind this is a rough first draft - I heard somewhere the first draft referred to as the "puke" draft - I thought it was quite apt

Many thanks

Matt

Mathew,

I just finished reading the opening and I have to say I really am impressed.

I'm not a big action fan; so what I have to say must speak volumes for your skill at handling this.

You were able to isolate the individuals within the scene so that I was able to really get a sense and sight of what was going on.

Your use of the subs were excellent. And since it's so early, when it's usually tough for a reader to feel invested, somehow you managed to create a connection.

I feel really bad for the alien in the pod.

I loved the name of Brox and could easily depict him for myself. For me, he was like Rock Man. Is there a Rock Man? I don't know. Never was a "comic book reader" person.

But yes, I'm very impressed.  

Sandra

Thank you for taking the time to read it and for the kind words Sandra.

Looks like the subs in this situation worked well   So I'll keep them.

Hopefully when the whole pilot goes up it will receive such good praise lol

Thanks again

Matt