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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Properly revealing a Picture Moderators: George Willson
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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How would you properly reveal a picture in a script? Weird question, I know.

Here's what I'm going for. A person is looking at a framed picture on a dresser. The picture is an old wedding photo of the person and their bride, but much younger.

I can't seem to find the words to write this. Each attempt just comes off as clunky. Any advice?

Zack
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Here's what I've got so far...



On his knees next to the bed is DAN, 38, handsome and athletic. His face is buried in the mattress, which muffles his SOBS.

After a few moments, Dan lifts his head. He SNIFFLES as he wipes his eyes with his forearm, stands and moves over to a large dresser.

On the dresser is a framed picture. It's a wedding photo.

ON THE PICTURE

A YOUNGER DAN, 25, embraces his beautiful BRIDE, 21, in a passionate kiss. They look happy.

BACK TO SCENE

Dan reaches out, lightly caresses the picture. Sadness fills his face. He takes a deep breath.



Does that read clunky to you guys? How can I write this better?

Zack
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack

The below aren't really suggestions, as I know jack shit about screenwriting, just throwing my 2p in lol
In your example, could you not do away with the "It's a wedding photo" line? If the description of it includes a Bride, then that already tells the reader it's a wedding picture, right?
Or, can you do away with the directions altogether and just describe the picture in between action? any sensible reader should be able to follow it I would have thought, something like...

Dan reaches out, picks up a framed picture from the dresser.

In it, a YOUNGER DAN embraces his beautiful BRIDE, 21, in a passionate kiss. Happy.

Dan caresses the picture. Sadness fills his face. He takes a deep breath

Any good? I don't know, I'm just spitballing here lol


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  February 13th, 2019, 4:36pm
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the suggestions Matthew. I think you make some good points.

I've been told in the past that a young version of a character would be played by a separate actor, and thus must be introduced as a new character.

Thanks again for chiming in. I appreciate it.

Zack
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack

I've been told in the past that a young version of a character would be played by a separate actor, and thus must be introduced as a new character.


Ah yes, I have heard that as well. I have edited my post to intro him properly


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I think that reads much cleaner than how I originally had it. Thanks Matthew.

Zack
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FrankM
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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The way to format what you originally posted would be:

On his knees next to the bed is DAN, 38, handsome and athletic. His face is buried in the mattress, which muffles his SOBS.

After a few moments, Dan lifts his head. He SNIFFLES as he wipes his eyes with his forearm, stands and moves over to a large dresser.

On the dresser is a framed picture.

INSERT: WEDDING PICTURE

A YOUNGER DAN, 25, embraces his beautiful BRIDE, 21, in a passionate kiss. They look happy.

BACK TO SCENE

Dan reaches out, lightly caresses the picture. Sadness fills his face. He takes a deep breath.

But this really only applies if there is some story reason to describe the shot in detail (something in the background, Dan caresses his bride’s face with a finger, etc.) so the audience is guaranteed to pick up on it. Otherwise just stay in the original scene as Matthew suggested above... set the mood then let the actor act and the director direct.



Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the clarification, Frank. Much appreciated.

Zack
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


But this really only applies if there is some story reason to describe the shot in detail (something in the background, Dan caresses his bride’s face with a finger, etc.) so the audience is guaranteed to pick up on it. Otherwise just stay in the original scene as Matthew suggested above... set the mood then let the actor act and the director direct.



The Bride herself plays a part in my story. Does that count?

Zack
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FrankM
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


The Bride herself plays a part in my story. Does that count?

Zack


Let's see... she's not capped as YOUNG BRIDE, so this probably doesn't end well for her  

You use an INSERT when it's important to show the audience a close-up of an object that's physically present in the scene. This could be a photo, letter, cellphone screen, pressure gauge, timer, etc. The director decides if it literally fills the screen or if there are bits of scene around it (Think of a shot of a security monitor... do you see a bit of the guard's desk? As the writer you typically wouldn't care. Directors care.).

Given that Dan is just being introduced in this scene, it's probably important to show why he's so upset and establish who the woman is that we'll be seeing later. So I think I'd go with an INSERT here.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Lon
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Here's what I'm going for.  A person is looking at a framed picture on a dresser. The picture is an old wedding photo of the person and their bride, but much younger.


Before I offer a suggestion, I want to first point out that most -- if not, in fact, all -- new screenwriters tend to think in terms of images.  You have it in your mind's eye how a scene will unfold on the screen, how it's to be staged, blocked, executed.  It's understandable; after all, we're talking movies here, and movies are a visual medium.

But...

The writer's job is the "what."  The director's job is the "how."  Unless you plan on directing the script yourself or you've been asked to turn it into a shooting script, all you need to do is tell us what is going on in the scene, and let the director worry about how to execute it visually.

Look at what you wrote in your question:

A person is looking at a framed picture on a dresser. The picture is an old wedding photo of the person and their bride, but much younger.

Look at that, you pretty much nailed it and didn't even know it.  That's really all you need: a guy stares at his old wedding photo on the dresser.  Maybe let us know how he's feeling.  Is he staring angrily?  Longingly?  Resentfully?  Guiltily?

In general, whenever you're in doubt, just remember the KISS rule:

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Lon


Before I offer a suggestion, I want to first point out that most -- if not, in fact, all -- new screenwriters tend to think in terms of images.  You have it in your mind's eye how a scene will unfold on the screen, how it's to be staged, blocked, executed.  It's understandable; after all, we're talking movies here, and movies are a visual medium.

But...

The writer's job is the "what."  The director's job is the "how."  Unless you plan on directing the script yourself or you've been asked to turn it into a shooting script, all you need to do is tell us what is going on in the scene, and let the director worry about how to execute it visually.

Look at what you wrote in your question:

A person is looking at a framed picture on a dresser. The picture is an old wedding photo of the person and their bride, but much younger.

Look at that, you pretty much nailed it and didn't even know it.  That's really all you need: a guy stares at his old wedding photo on the dresser.  Maybe let us know how he's feeling.  Is he staring angrily?  Longingly?  Resentfully?  Guiltily?

In general, whenever you're in doubt, just remember the KISS rule:

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid!


This is excellent help. What suggestions do you have for writing character intros? Often when I read them from others, I find my reading slows down and I stall out. Especially if they are introducing three or more characters at one time.

So too, I find that when I'm trying to work out my own character intros, they feel most challenging to write.






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Zack
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


This is excellent help. What suggestions do you have for writing character intros? Often when I read them from others, I find my reading slows down and I stall out. Especially if they are introducing three or more characters at one time.

So too, I find that when I'm trying to work out my own character intros, they feel most challenging to write.





I'll second this. I too always struggle with how much I should detail a new character I'm introducing.

Zack
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Lon
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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My personal approach to introducing characters is to keep it short and sweet.  No in-depth psychoanalysis, no physical description (unless it's pertinent to the character), just an idea of what kind of person they are.  We're not writing a Playboy bio, we don't need to know their favorite color or biggest turn-off -- unless such things are vital to the story.  But even then, reveal it when you need to, don't hit us with copious details up front.

That said, here are some taken from my own scripts.  They may not be gold, but I think they more or less sum the characters up.

Behind the wheel, one eye on the curious cloud activity above, is JOE CUTTER (40).  Strong, earnest.  A good man.

SHERIFF HANK BOUTEEN (60s) climbs out of his Bronco, a disposable camera in hand.  Big ol' law dog.  Friendly until he's not.

Charlene "CHARLIE" EVANS totals tickets at the counter.  Warm and personable, even at 40 she's still the prettiest darn gal in town.

Gloria turns.  Where a moment ago was empty air now stands a ghastly figure.  Flesh ashen and gray, tattered clothes decades out of fashion -- an honest-to-god GHOST.

MATT FOSTER (30s) waits across the counter.  Six-five and imposing without trying, but quiet .  A man who spends a lot of time in his own head.

At the wheel, straining to see past the swishing wipers and pissing rain, is CHUCK MOODY.  Pushing 60 and hates it.  Sells insurance and hates it.  Chuck hates a lot of things.

Just some examples.  But I don't usually bother including any kind of description in the first draft, unless it comes to me quickly.  It used to be I'd get hung up trying to think of just the right description, and would invariably wind up frustrated because it stalled my writing momentum.  Now I just cap their name and keep writing, and will go back and add the description during rewrites.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lon
It used to be I'd get hung up trying to think of just the right description, and would invariably wind up frustrated because it stalled my writing momentum.  Now I just cap their name and keep writing, and will go back and add the description during rewrites.


Thank you so very much, Lon. I've been doing that same thing as of late. I've learned that you can't force some things. Like they want to say and be what they want to and when they want to.

What you said holds true for me. If I get too hung up, which I'm inclined to do, I wind up losing any potential pace I might have had.

As stated before, but I must again: I really do appreciate your million dollar comments. If I had to go pay for whatever class, I probably wouldn't get such good info this fast and like a snap-on tool.

Very much appreciated for your honest approach and teaching.



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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