Hello guys,

I wonder if anyone could give me an opinion on this logline:

"After being accidently involved in his girlfriend – a known youtuber – death because of a cockroach, young Ethan tries to find his happiness, while at the same time he deals with the antics of his workplace, a (really) late night live call-in tv show production."

Some people kindly gave me an opinion to change to something like:

"A mildly depressed young man tries to find happiness while dealing with the crazy antics at his workplace, a live call-in TV production."

"Ethan struggles to find happiness after accidentally killing his girlfriend."

Please let me try to explain the death part:

So basically she is a known youtuber and she's doing a live video where she answers to some of his fans questions. One of the fans asks for her to try again the only position she failed in her last challenge with her boyfriend (Ethan). The challenge consisted in trying to mimic acrobatic positions like this:

https://cdn2.stylecraze.com/wp.....-Healthy-Body_iS.jpg (Well you know, those stupid Youtube challenges we see many time)

So then he comes next to her and they both try to get it right this time. Ethan is underneath, supporting her weight. But then a cockroach approaches his face, he screams, moves his body abruptly, she falls and breaks her neck. So that's how she dies.

A roach appears, he starts to panic and tell her that they should stop, she ignores it and feels completely free and angelical in that moment and say something in a very calm and passionate way "No!! Do it for my fans, all for them, they deserve this! We're almost there!"

Another roach appears near him and he say something "Oh my god!! I can't take this, it's too much for me!!", his face is red, while at the same time his arms are shaking from supporting her weight. Then she says "We did it!!" and he faints at the same time. Then the screen goes black and we hear her fall and a neck break sound. After, in that black screen, we see the live chat comments where her fans are writing things like "WTF??? " OH MY GOD !!!" "WHAT HAPPENED???????????" "WTF????????" "PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S JUST SLEEPING!!!!!?????????" "EASY GUYS!!! IM SURE SHE JUST PASSED OUT WITH THE EMOTION!!!!!"

During all this she's not seeing his face because her face it's on the opposite side, and her head is like almost upside down. A death it's always tragic and that's why it's not a pure comedy, but I guess it also has some funny elements to it.

All of that will also have some repercussions in some of his future failed short relationships, since he'll be known by some people as the killer, especially those crazy fans she had lol.

The death scene will only be shown in the end of the 1st episode, after one girl he's been dating knocks on his door and tell him she doesn't want to see him anymore, because she founds out that he was the one who "killed" that known youtuber.

My idea is that the story already begins with him already in that job, that he got after the death situation. Something like 1 year after it happened.

As for the late night ""show"", it's not really a show per se, it's one of those cheap live call in shows where people call to try to win money with the games they show.

Thank you all for your time!

Remember the purpose of the logline -- to illustrate the central point, the main focus, of the movie/show.

The girlfriend's death isn't the main focus.  It's the inciting incident, something that happens and suddenly alters the protagonist's normal existence and introduces conflict.  It's Harrison Ford being shot in the head in Regarding Henry.  It's Jack Nicholson being forced to babysit a dog in As Good As It Gets.  It's little Lukas Haas witnessing a murder in Witness.  It's an important element, but it's not the point of the story.

It doesn't hurt to mention it in the logline, but give us the brass tacks version and save the particulars for the script itself.  I would find a compromise between the two log lines you said were suggested to you, because each is decent on its own but is missing something that the other has:

"A mildly depressed young man tries to find happiness while dealing with the crazy antics at his workplace, a live call-in TV production."

"Ethan struggles to find happiness after accidentally killing his girlfriend."

Now combine the two:

"A year after his girlfriend's death by misadventure, a young man struggles to move on while also dealing with the crazy antics of his work place, a call-in game show."

As for her death, if you're concerned it won't play as comedic, MAKE it comedic. It's why I made it a point to say "death by misadventure."  Such deaths are almost always the person's own fault.  They were doing something stupid, of their own accord, being reckless and careless.  You know, like people who think it would be funny to poke a fork into a light socket, or people who think it would be cool to tightrope walk between skyscrapers, or people who who do stupid YouTube challenges just so that their channel can get more hits (eh?).  Hell, go for broke -- don't just have her break her neck, have her break wind at the same instant.  Don't just have him panic when he sees the cockroach, have him scream like a little girl.  These are fictional characters, have them die as humorously and with as little dignity as you'd like.

Quoted from Lon Remember the purpose of the logline -- to illustrate the central point, the main focus, of the movie/show. The girlfriend's death isn't the main focus.  It's the inciting incident, something that happens and suddenly alters the protagonist's normal existence and introduces conflict.  It's Harrison Ford being shot in the head in Regarding Henry.  It's Jack Nicholson being forced to babysit a dog in As Good As It Gets.  It's little Lukas Haas witnessing a murder in Witness.  It's an important element, but it's not the point of the story. It doesn't hurt to mention it in the logline, but give us the brass tacks version and save the particulars for the script itself.  I would find a compromise between the two log lines you said were suggested to you, because each is decent on its own but is missing something that the other has: "A mildly depressed young man tries to find happiness while dealing with the crazy antics at his workplace, a live call-in TV production." "Ethan struggles to find happiness after accidentally killing his girlfriend." Now combine the two: "A year after his girlfriend's death by misadventure, a young man struggles to move on while also dealing with the crazy antics of his work place, a call-in game show." As for her death, if you're concerned it won't play as comedic, MAKE it comedic. It's why I made it a point to say "death by misadventure."  Such deaths are almost always the person's own fault.  They were doing something stupid, of their own accord, being reckless and careless.  You know, like people who think it would be funny to poke a fork into a light socket, or people who think it would be cool to tightrope walk between skyscrapers, or people who who do stupid YouTube challenges just so that their channel can get more hits (eh?).  Hell, go for broke -- don't just have her break her neck, have her break wind at the same instant.  Don't just have him panic when he sees the cockroach, have him scream like a little girl.  These are fictional characters, have them die as humorously and with as little dignity as you'd like.

Good suggestions, Lon.

I would also to the writer - determine what the real problem for your hero is, Is it his job? Or is it that his romantic prospects are forever ruined after the world witnesses the death of his former girlfriend?

Quoted from Lon Remember the purpose of the logline -- to illustrate the central point, the main focus, of the movie/show. The girlfriend's death isn't the main focus.  It's the inciting incident, something that happens and suddenly alters the protagonist's normal existence and introduces conflict.  It's Harrison Ford being shot in the head in Regarding Henry.  It's Jack Nicholson being forced to babysit a dog in As Good As It Gets.  It's little Lukas Haas witnessing a murder in Witness.  It's an important element, but it's not the point of the story. It doesn't hurt to mention it in the logline, but give us the brass tacks version and save the particulars for the script itself.  I would find a compromise between the two log lines you said were suggested to you, because each is decent on its own but is missing something that the other has: "A mildly depressed young man tries to find happiness while dealing with the crazy antics at his workplace, a live call-in TV production." "Ethan struggles to find happiness after accidentally killing his girlfriend." Now combine the two: "A year after his girlfriend's death by misadventure, a young man struggles to move on while also dealing with the crazy antics of his work place, a call-in game show." As for her death, if you're concerned it won't play as comedic, MAKE it comedic. It's why I made it a point to say "death by misadventure."  Such deaths are almost always the person's own fault.  They were doing something stupid, of their own accord, being reckless and careless.  You know, like people who think it would be funny to poke a fork into a light socket, or people who think it would be cool to tightrope walk between skyscrapers, or people who who do stupid YouTube challenges just so that their channel can get more hits (eh?).  Hell, go for broke -- don't just have her break her neck, have her break wind at the same instant.  Don't just have him panic when he sees the cockroach, have him scream like a little girl.  These are fictional characters, have them die as humorously and with as little dignity as you'd like.

Thanks a lot for your reply!!
That logline make much more sense to me.
I agree, I should make the death even funnier than what I was thinking, and those are some great tips. That'd be one of the final scenes in the pilot. The pilot would open with him dreaming about her, blaming him for her death and stuff like that lol.

Thanks.

Quoted from eldave1 Good suggestions, Lon. I would also to the writer - determine what the real problem for your hero is, Is it his job? Or is it that his romantic prospects are forever ruined after the world witnesses the death of his former girlfriend?

Thanks for your input.
They both end to be troubles, the fact that her death was witnessed by many of her fans and the "ghost" that he has following him. He feels some blame and weight on is shoulders because of what is happened.

And his job is also problematic with all the crazy stuff that happens and the situations his co-workers/friends put him into. Some of that will also bring those issues he has with her death too.

Basically it's showing is life after what happened, both personal and professional.

Did I make any sense?

Thanks.

Quoted from Tiago Thanks for your input. They both end to be troubles, the fact that her death was witnessed by many of her fans and the "ghost" that he has following him. He feels some blame and weight on is shoulders because of what is happened. And his job is also problematic with all the crazy stuff that happens and the situations his co-workers/friends put him into. Some of that will also bring those issues he has with her death too. Basically it's showing is life after what happened, both personal and professional. Did I make any sense? Thanks.

I understand your point - I still believe there is a disconnect in the relationship between the accidental death and the crappy, crazy job. Did one cause the other???

Maybe:

A man already overwhelmed by the chaos of working on a call-in game show, finds his future ruined when he accidentally, and quite publicly, contributes to the death of his girlfriend - a beloved YouTube star.

Quoted from eldave1 I understand your point - I still believe there is a disconnect in the relationship between the accidental death and the crappy, crazy job. Did one cause the other??? Maybe: A man already overwhelmed by the chaos of working on a call-in game show, finds his future ruined when he accidentally, and quite publicly, contributes to the death of his girlfriend - a beloved YouTube star.

Thanks!

My  general ideia was that the story starts 1 year after the death. So he kinda tried ran away from his hometown and got that job after.  My idea for the beginning is that it would start with a weird dream where she's there and tell him something like "Do you know which day is today?", because its exactly 1 year after the death. Then he is waken up by his quirky next door neighbor, who also puts him in some crazy adventures lol.

That logline you propose means that he was already working there, which also sound good to me. I'll need to think better about it.

Quoted from Tiago Thanks! My  general ideia was that the story starts 1 year after the death. So he kinda tried ran away from his hometown and got that job after.  My idea for the beginning is that it would start with a weird dream where she's there and tell him something like "Do you know which day is today?", because its exactly 1 year after the death. Then he is waken up by his quirky next door neighbor, who also puts him in some crazy adventures lol. That logline you propose means that he was already working there, which also sound good to me. I'll need to think better about it.

Good luck with it

Thanks for your help