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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  action line question Moderators: George Willson
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JohnI
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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On a relight of my late script. Thee first scene finds my protagonist lying on the floor out cold. He opens his eyes to see blurry images that eventually focus intoned bodies and weapons on the floor with his.

I've written it a couple of ways. My latest is better but still doesn't sound right

BLACK SCREEN

Blurry images on the the same floor as the eyes.

I don't like it. I usually can do better. Any ideas.
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eldave1
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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John:

What you wrote is confusing - I didn't understand it. Also, don't understand how we are seeing anything - blurry or otherwise - on a black screen.

are the images inherently blurry??? Or are they only blurry from John's POV?




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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John, from what you've laid out there, not sure the black screen is doing you any favors.

Don't know, I'm just tossing shit out... not really sure what you are going for yet.

There, on the floor, John Doe  regains consciousness, a blur of images,  or whatever.  It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust... or eyes adjusting, things slowly come into focus...

John Doe regains consciousness, a blur of images slowly come into focus...

Not the best, just off the top-of-my head.  Hope it jump starts you.  You know, give you  somewhat of an idea on how to press forward.  If I'm totally off - just hit ignore.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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JohnI
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Dave what I'm trying to get across is the guy is unconsciencous on the ground. He opens his eyes to see dead bodies (fuzzy at first) on the same floor / at the same level.
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eldave1
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohnI
Dave what I'm trying to get across is the guy is unconsciencous on the ground. He opens his eyes to see dead bodies (fuzzy at first) on the same floor / at the same level.


Okay - I think you could go one of two ways.

INT. BUILDING - NIGHT

DAVE (63) lies sideways on a concrete floor. He's out cold. Then --

His eyes start to flutter - coming to.

DAVE'S HORIZONTAL POV:

Scattered on the concrete floor blurred images of objects, just indistinct lumps at first, Dave's vision to fuzzy to focus. Slowly, one by one they come into focus.

An ASSUALT RIFLE closet to him.

Just a bit further away, a  handgun.  Then, even further away by what appears to be the bottom of a door --

The lifeless body of a MAN. His white shirt blood-stained,


Or if you are trying to open your story with us seeing this through the man's eyes - maybe something like:

BLACK SCREEN

A flicker of light - then back to black.

Another flicker - back to black again.

Like closed eyes trying to open.

INT.  A CONCRETE FLOOR SOMEWHERE - NIGHT

But seen from the POV OF A MAN LYING ON HIS SIDE:

Blurred images of objects, just indistinct lumps at first.

Slowly, one by one they come into focus.

- An ASSUALT RIFLE closet to him.

- Just a bit further away, a  handgun.  

- By what appears to be the bottom of a door, the lifeless body of a MAN. His white shirt blood-stained,


Anyway - I don't know if that is technically correct, but it's how I would handle it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JohnI
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Always thanks dave and ghostwriter - new type of scene for me.

By the way - I always learned not to use POV, but imply it  - it's okay in a spec?
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eldave1
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohnI
Always thanks dave and ghostwriter - new type of scene for me.

By the way - I always learned not to use POV, but imply it  - it's okay in a spec?


As far as I'm concerned anything's okay. The rules or guidelines. Clarity is King. Do whatever makes it clear


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Are we talking something like this?

JOHN'S GROGGY POV

-- A woman walks her goldfish.

-- A building blows up.

-- The Loch Ness Monster rides a unicycle.

And, yes, POV is allowed. It's not one of the forbidden things (fuck the fact that any exist) in specs, because it is still a storytelling element.


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eldave1
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Are we talking something like this?

JOHN'S GROGGY POV

-- A woman walks her goldfish.

-- A building blows up.

-- The Loch Ness Monster rides a unicycle.

And, yes, POV is allowed. It's not one of the forbidden things (fuck the fact that any exist) in specs, because it is still a storytelling element.


I like that. I'll also take a little bit of whatever John is smoking


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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You've got good advice already but FYI:

Have a look at the opening of Saw:

https://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Saw.html

Just don't copy the fact the action lines are not broken up into shots.

It's a similar scenario opening in darkness but sound and light provide illumination as the scene progresses.
...
Funny, Sean.  


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Lon
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohnI
Thee first scene finds my protagonist lying on the floor out cold. He opens his eyes to see blurry images that eventually focus intoned bodies and weapons on the floor with his.


New writers labor under the assumption that part of their job is to dictate shots, angles, visuals, etc. It's not. That's the director's and cinematographer's job. Your focus should be on story, told clearly and concisely.

Let's look at what happens in your scene:

1. The protagonist (let's call him BOB) comes to on the floor.  

2. His vision is blurry.

3. As his vision clears, the blurred objects surrounding him become weapons and bodies.

Now put them together in a clear, concise way:

Bob comes to on the floor. As his vision clears, he finds himself surrounded by discarded weapons and dead bodies.

Just remember that as the writer, your job is to tell us what happens. Let the director worry about how to put it on the screen.

Good luck. Keep writing.
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