Would love to see a sample of the query letter you sent.  That could be part of the problem right there.

Hi Steven.

Yes you may well be right. And thank you for wanting to see my query letter. I'll PM email it to you as I don't see a way I can attached it hereto. Is there a way I can post/attach it here?  I'm not big on computer stuff.

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Steven. Yes you may well be right. And thank you for wanting to see my query letter. I'll PM email it to you as I don't see a way I can attached it hereto. Is there a way I can post/attach it here?  I'm not big on computer stuff.

Copy and paste.

Would you mind sharing it with me also, Dave. I’d like to compare it to what I’ve been sending.

Quoted from JohnI Would you mind sharing it with me also, Dave. I’d like to compare it to what I’ve been sending.

I shared it on page 1 of the thread but will re-post it here:

Quoted Text Dear (name and title) My name is David Lambertson.  I would like to submit my feature-length script to you for your consideration. This script won the Silver Award in the 2017 PAGE International Screenwriting Contest. Title: The Beginning of The End and The End. Genre: Romantic-Comedy Logline: A battle of wits ensues when a jaded, arrogant divorce lawyer moves into an office adjacent to a strong-willed marriage counselor. Ironically, a building fire that interrupts their battles sparks a relationship. Comps to other Films. A more condensed version of When Harry Met Sally. It has the witty dialogue of that film along with the physical comedy of Bridesmaid. Production Considerations The film should be able to be produced on a very modest budget.  It is based in Los Angeles and most of the film takes place in a single location. No special effects. Target Audience. A romantic-comedy for adults. Suitable for either the big screen or small screen. A brief synopsis of the story is attached. I would like to send the script to you for your consideration. I can be reached at: MY CONTACT INFO   Thank you in advance for your consideration.

I also have a standard seeking rep letter (i.e., if I am selling me vs. a specific script.

Quoted Text Dear (Name/Title) My name is David Lambertson.  I am an amateur screenwriter who has done very well in screenwriting contests. I am looking for representation to help in the journey of achieving commercial success. I write character-driven stories in all genres. I have completed eleven features, including: Title: The Beginning of The End and Then End Genre: Romantic Comedy Logline: A battle of wits ensues when an arrogant divorce lawyer moves into an office next door to a strong-willed marriage counselor. A building fire ultimately interrupts their battles while at the same time sparking a relationship. This script won the silver prize for the PAGE 2017 Screenplay competition. Title: The Last Statesman: Genre: Dramedy Logline: An old and cranky local politician goes publicly bananas in an effort to draw attention to an important social issue. This inadvertently puts the career of his son, the Governor of California, at risk. This script was a 2016 PAGE Finalist as well as a Nicholls’ quarterfinalist. Title: Dark World Genre: Thriller Logline: In order to stop a serial killer, an FBI Agent must convince his colleagues that the murders that only he can see on a virtual reality game are real. This script made the 2017 SHORES semi-finals. Title: La Loteria Genre: Drama Logline: A missing grand prize lottery ticket is the key to solving a series of murders in a gang-infested Los Angeles neighborhood. This script made the 2017 PAGE semi-finals. I would be delighted to meet with you to discuss representation or to send any of my work for your review.  I can be reached at: MY CONTACT  INFO Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Hope these help, John. I have no idea if they are good or not since I have only had limited success with them.

Quoted from eldave1 Copy and paste.

Haha no words wasted there!

Quoted from Pleb Haha no words wasted there!

Yep - it should be easy.

Barry John Terblanche                         Email;  scriptwriter.barryjohn(at)gmail.com



Dear Mr Dow Joe                                    02 July 2020     

Re:     Script writer looking for representation.

About me; I'm a white male, 49 years of age. A passionate writer of four years. This here is my 2nd feature script I've written, apart from a few shorts.

Title:          THE BOOK OF JOSEPH
Genre:      Suspense / drama.

Log line:     The battle for souls.. the rule of earth.. will not be fought by the Gods in heaven or in hell. But, here on earth. Between a Priest and a child.                                     

Synopsis:     

Here on earth we bore witness to thunder's screams in dark clouds that soon bleed red. The skies cleared with tears of heaven and an Angels decent.  

A child is born of an orphan virgin - raised by the nuns - believed to be the daughter of God, she is worshiped by all mankind. All but for one man who knows the truth to who she truly is! A young black Priest of a small remote farming village in Kenya, Africa.

We will persecute him – denounce him – beat him to near death. His faith will be tested to the limits.. his faith, the only weapon against a child so evil the Devil himself fears.

The child is cunning, powerful in deceit and persuasion. She wants your soul.. the numbers are climbing.. the balance is shifting.. time is running out!

A simple young Priest with a soft hart and loving soul will come to realise, that this who he is.. Is his greatest weapon.

A TENSE, POWERFUL and EMOTIONAL story.

If this has piqued your interest, I'd be pleased to send (Email / PDF, 91 page) you a copy of the feature length spec script for your consideration.


Regards,

Barry John Terblanche.  


* Barry, I've taken out personal details. LC

COPY PASTE!!!  -F*#K me!

...Had to fix up the copy as I use Open Office Suit. It came out alright here though. Thanks Eldave1

So here is my query letter. Please all give comment to it.

Thanks ALL.  

Barry: In my opinion, there are many things wrong with the letter.

1. It has typos and grammatical errors. You're dead out of the gate if you send a letter to someone with basic errors in it.  Your very first line as an example - it's Scriptwriter, not Script Writer. Later - heart, not hart. Missing commas in various places, etc. The point being - no Agency is going to take your request seriously if your query letter is riddled with errors.

2. The Logline is confusing.

3. What you label as a synopsis is not really a synopsis - it's really just an expanded logline.

Maybe go with something like:

Quoted Text Dear Mr. Dow Joe:                                   My name is Barry John Terblanche, a screenwriter from South Africa seeking representation.  I have written two features and several shorts and believe I would be an ideal fit for your agency.  My latest feature is: Title:         The Book of Joseph. Genre:      Suspense / drama. Logline:   A Priest and a mythical child believed to the daughter of God wage a battle for the souls of all mankind.                                     This is a tense and emotional story similar to XXXX. A one-page synopsis is attached.  I would like to send you the script for your consideration. I can be reached at: Regards: Barry John Terblanche.

Ideally, if you knew something about the Agency you could comment on why your particular script would be a good fit for them.

Barry,

Have you gotten coverage on the script?

You get one chance to approach someone. You need to do it with your best foot forward. If your script is not eat-off-the-floor clean, you don't want to send it out.

If you get favorable coverage from a service, you can start to pitch THAT to what are called MP (motion picture) coordinators at the various agencies and management companies, and they may agree to cover your script.

From there, you might be able to make it an open directorial assignment, or get an agent to champion it for you, etc.

You can simultaneously take the route of soliciting production companies and financiers. But you need something to pitch beyond just your words in a query.

AJR

Eldave1 and Ajr

Thanks both for your comments and advice hereto that I'll follow through with. Give it a good clean and rewrite.

Quoted from BarryJohn Eldave1 and Ajr Thanks both for your comments and advice hereto that I'll follow through with. Give it a good clean and rewrite.

Cool

Quoted from BarryJohn Grandma Bear Say, what's the names of those two shorts you had made in South Africa?

Sorry I missed this. The titles were Daddy's Home and Issues. I have no idea if they are still online. They did a pretty good job though. I've had some other ones made in Africa too. If I remember correctly, they were all in Nigeria. Some went to festivals too.

The answer to your original question is write it, if you want to get better at screenwriting. If you think your second script is the best you can possibly do - you’re wrong. If you carry on you might look back and realise how wrong you were. For most it’s a long path to success. For some, sadly, a long path to nowhere. But if you want to be in the game you have to keep rolling the dice. Your odds will get better as your writing gets better.

Is the script posted on here?