I am writing something where a figure enters the bedrooms of five individual characters
do i write it like this
INT. GEMMA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT.
Gemma is asleep in her bed. Her room is cluttered and messy. A golden figure that is undefined walks into her room.
INT. HUDSON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Hudson is sleeping, his room littered with wrestling memorabilia. He to is asleep. The figure leans down to him.
INT. PIPER'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Oliver is in a hammock, Piper is in her bed. The figure walks between its hands hands outstrected.
INT. SHAUN'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
Shaun is not asleep, but doing press-ups, but does not see the figure at his window. She waves her hand.

or is there a better way to write it?
all help appreciated.

Hi, ChristopherW,

My take would to read as many scripts possible. You know reading and writing go hand in hand. But anyways;

This can be done(as far as I can tell) in 3 ways:

1) If everything takes place within the same house and within the same time-frame. You can use mini-slugs.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

GEMMA'S BEDROOM

Gemma is asleep in her bed. Her room is cluttered and messy. A golden figure that is undefined walks into her room.

HUDSON'S BEDROOM

Hudson is sleeping, his room littered with wrestling memorabilia. He to is asleep. The figure leans down to him.

PIPER'S BEDROOM

Oliver is in a hammock, Piper is in her bed. The figure walks between its hands hands outstrected.

SHAUN'S BEDROOM

Shaun is not asleep, but doing press-ups, but does not see the figure at his window. She waves her hand.

2) If all 5 individuals are in 5 different houses. Then,

INT. GEMMA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT.

Gemma is asleep in her bed. Her room is cluttered and messy. A golden figure that is undefined walks into her room.

INT. HUDSON'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Hudson is sleeping, his room littered with wrestling memorabilia. He to is asleep. The figure leans down to him.

INT. PIPER'S HOUSE - BEDROOM -NIGHT

Oliver is in a hammock, Piper is in her bed. The figure walks between its hands hands outstrected.

INT. SHAUN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM -NIGHT

Shaun is not asleep, but doing press-ups, but does not see the figure at his window. She waves her hand.

3) You can combine the above two if some characters are in same house and others in their respective houses. It is understandable but still.  


I think that will be helpful to you. If not, let's hope others chime in.

Good luck.

The advice above is sound.

I'll add a bit - stop repeating info, write actively. get rid of pedestrian verbs, cap all characters when
intro'd .

Quoted Text INT. GEMMA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. Gemma is asleep in her bed. Her room is cluttered and messy. A golden figure that is undefined walks into her room.

Your repeating room which is not needed since it is already in your header, By writing active

Genna sleeps is better than is sleeping.

GOLDEN FIGURE should be capped

"walk" is pedestrian - replace it with something more vivid.

e.g.,

INT. GEMMA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT.

Cluttered and messy. Gemma asleep in her bed. An undefined GOLDEN FIGURE creeps in.

Thank you so much guys. i really do appreciate it.

NO PROB

Could also do it as a MONTAGE perhaps

Quoted from stevie Could also do it as a MONTAGE perhaps

It could be formatted as one (and I'd recommend it if page count is a concern), but a proper montage would advance the story in some way... for example showing the first thing the golden figure does during a visit in the first room, the second thing it does in the second room, etc.

That is assuming, of course, that it's the same figure in each bedroom, and these visits are happening in sequence.

Christopher, I'll just add my bit, take or leave.

If the passage of time is short, for me, Series of Shots works best.
Montage imho is better used unfolding over a longer period of time, it unfolds in a gentler way - perfect example is its use in RomComs to condense time, often with musical overlay.


https://www.scriptgodsmustdie.com/2010/01/format-3-montage-vs-series-of-shots/

Also, write what a character is doing, not what they're not doing.

Skip Shaun is not asleep and go straight to: Shaun doing his pre-bedtime ritual of press-ups, squats...
She waves her hand. (The figure waves her hand) maybe in front of Shaun's face - (if she's invisible). Is the figure female, does she have an ethereal image, is there a golden halo around her/surrounds her, encircles her? etc. Define what your audience is actually seeing with this 'figure'.

GEMMA'S BEDROOM
Cluttered and messy. Gemma is sound asleep. Or: Gemma, sound asleep, the covers pulled tightly around her.

Oliver is in a hammock, Piper is in her bed. The figure walks between its hands hands outstrected.
Is Oliver a baby? Hammock? This line's too static and lacking in any atmosphere or clarity imh.

You need to create atmosphere, dread if this 'figure' is ominous.
Does the figure move/glide from room to room?

You state Hudson's asleep twice. Perhaps he sleeps splayed out naked, a sheet covering his lower body. If the 'figure' bends down close to his face, Hudson oblivious (perhaps he's snoring softly) it's more threatening - create the feeling of dread.

This is all sound advice, but I notice an inconsitency. You write that the figure is inside the house, going room by room -- but for the last room, you write that Shaun doesn't notice the figure at his window. This would imply that the figure is now outside the house, peering in. So, how did the figure get outside before it got to Shaun's room, and why didn't you establish first, before Shaun's room, that it was now outside? Which also raises the question of why, after going through each previous room inside the house, it suddenly decided to peek in on the last one from outside?

It's little inconstincies like that which can trip a reader up.