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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  How to show writing or a list Moderators: George Willson
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ChristopherW
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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I have a character who is reading off a list. I find it unnecessary long dialogue. I think if i put the list in the action lines/description it might flow better and then i can make the scene flow better be more interesting.

how would I do it? All advice is welcome.
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FrankM
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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If they are saying it out loud, unfortunately it has to go in dialog. However, it does NOT need to be one long, uninterrupted block of dialog. Break it up with bits of action.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

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Lon
Posted: August 29th, 2020, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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What FrankM said. You can't just put the list in the action/narrative and say "He reads the list aloud" and leave it at that. If the words are coming out of the character's mouth, that's dialogue, and dialogue is written out.

If you feel it would be too tedious to have the character recite the list, one question might be is it necessary that the list be read out? Or is it necessary that it be read out in full? Maybe he starts reading the list and is interrupted. Or maybe you have him trail off partially into the list and jump to a new scene. Just some thoughts.
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bert
Posted: August 29th, 2020, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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You do it as voice-over (VO).  While your character is droning on about his list, we're looking at something else.  Hopefully something interesting.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2020, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
If they are saying it out loud, unfortunately it has to go in dialog. However, it does NOT need to be one long, uninterrupted block of dialog. Break it up with bits of action.


Yep

Nd make sure that list is absolutely needed


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChristopherW
Posted: August 31st, 2020, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys. Always a help
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FrankM
Posted: August 31st, 2020, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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The bit of action in the middle can interrupt the meeting, or you could cut away before the list is finished. Version of an old military joke in screenplay format:

EXT. ARMY CAMP - MORNING
The FIRST SERGEANT (37) stands before a platoon of SOLDIERS in formation, calls out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper.

FIRST SERGENT
Ames.

AMES
Here!

FIRST SERGENT
Jenson.

JENSON
Here!

FIRST SERGENT
Jones.

JONES
Here!

FIRST SERGENT
Magersky.

MAGERSKY
Here!

FIRST SERGENT
Seeback.

No one responds.

FIRST SERGENT
Seeback!

Still no response.

FIRST SERGENT
DAMNIT SEEBACK!!!

At that point, someone whispers MOS into the First Sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list.

FIRST SERGEANT
Taylor.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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