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Kind of a clunky title, I know. Anyway, in the two OWC scripts I've done, people have criticized the dialogue in them as being "on the nose" and "clunky". I certainly agree with that. However, I know of no way to improve on that front. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can improve my dialogue writing?
Here is the part of my script called Homa that was especially panned due to the dialog:
CORONER I tell you, this is the strangest death I've seen in a while.
DETECTIVE How's that?
CORONER It's clear that he died of electrocution, but there was nothing connected to electricity anywhere near where he was found.
DETECTIVE Where was he found?
CORONER In his bed upstairs.
The detective looks toward the body.
DETECTIVE The people from the morgue will be here in a few minutes, I'd better take a look at the body.
CORONER Be my guest, but mind you, it's not pretty.
CORONER I thought when I saw that neck stickin' outta that gas tank was weird...
DETECTIVE That bad?
CORONER Well, he got all shot up with sparks, bit that place had less electricity than an Amish village.
(Why is the Detective asking where the body was found and why does the Coroner -- Medical Examiner is more accurate -- know the answer?)
DETECTIVE Where'd you find 'im?
CORONER Hangin' off the four-post.
Prose...
DETECTIVE I'd better take a peek before the cleanup crew gets here.
CORONER Hope you got your barf bag.
Anyway, it's generic, but you get the idea. If I were you, though, and I were writing about police procedure, you may want to research into it a bit more.
Definitely do your research when you're dealing with specialist occupations, like Blondie said.
The Detective or police officers would likely be on the scene first, then CSI and the Coroner or ME to approve the integrity of the crime scene, sign off on the release the body etc.
I think you need to switch the roles around too re who's on the scene first.
The dialogue re where he was found doesn't tally though so there you have a credibility issue imh. The body would not have been moved from the location of death. It'd still be in the bedroom which is where the scene should take place imh.
'the people from the morgue...' sounds hokey.
I'd start with something casual, natural, cause these guys have seen everything and death by electrocution is not going to be too ghastly compared to other things.
CORONER Whaddya' got?
DETECTIVE Everything points to electrocution.
Now he might point (in a scientific learned say) to burns to the victim's extremities, frothing at the mouth from seizure, then -
DETECTIVE It's the strangest thing, though -
CORONER Looks straight forward enough.
DETECTIVE Except... Big storm last night, took out all the lines. Power's still out.
Apart from specialist areas/jargon particular to specific occupations etc., best way to improve dialogue is to get an ear for it, eavesdrop on people's conversations. Just don't duplicate verbatim, unless it's really spectacular.
The suggestions you already got are good ones. They all hit on a similar theme. Problem one is that you are having the Coroner tell the Detective things the Detective would already know. i.e., he would know where the body was found and know about its surroundings. Also – no electricity near his bed – it’s a house I assume that has electricity.
Anyway – when I approach a scene I do to things in terms of dialogue. 1) What information do I need to convey? 2) What are the personality of my characters?
The dialogue you wrote is pretty much personality neutral – that’s always going to come off a bit bland. As an example, let’s say your Detective is the angry/sarcastic sort. It might read like:
The CORONER and the DETECTIVE stand over the CORPSE. It’s hair frizzled, it’s torso singed with electrical burn marks.
CORONER Electrocution.
DETECTIVE Ya think?
The Coroner grimaces at the sarcasm. The Detective clicks his tongue – contemplates.
CORONER What?
DETECTIVE Gotta figure out how a man gets his ass electrocuted without any electricity.
The Coroner pulls the sheet up over the corpse.
CORONER Ya think?
Or they could be pals. Or the Coroner could have a macabre sense of humor - doesn't matter. What matters is that your character's personality - whatever it is - comes through in the dialogue
The main issue is I don't if the dialogs take place on the crime scene or not. But if it does -
I think it would be much better if you show the corpse in the horrible condition. It would be graphic but it will save some dialog space and you can point out only the critical info through your dialog. Which can be the forensic report, which goes well in the dialog.
As with most things, it just takes time, practice and study.
A good trick I use is to get family and friends (if you are lucky enough to have some who are willing to participate) to do a reading of some of the dialogue - actually hearing people say it can highlight how natural/unnatural it is, and you might find that they struggle to say it because it is so unnatural.
Also, eavesdrop on peoples conversations - listen to what they say, what they don't say, speech patterns, vocabulary or any quirks you can pick up on that you can inject into dialogue to make it sound more interesting.
We tend to write in full sentences but we don't speak in them, so bear that in mind as well.
As to being on the nose, this refers to saying exactly what one is thinking or feeling. Generally, people don't do that and it feels forced and fake - getting people (or reading out loud to yourself) can help highlight that.
Last bit of advice is to show don't tell - Don't do with words what you can do with action or visuals, or a combination of both. Your scene is confusing as I am not sure if they are in the room with the body or not.
Anyway, have him point out the burns of electrocution or whatever as he describes the cause of death - visual. Show there is nothing electrical near where he is, let us watch the guy investigate rather than just tell us about it (Doesn't seem odd to me anyway, body could have been moved post mortem)
It's hard to give advice on dialogue because it completely depends on knowing the characters and how each would speak, and knowing the context of the scene. If you have a character who is direct and no-nonsense, his dialogue would likely be on-the-nose. If your character is foreign and English isn't their first language, their dialogue would likely be clunky and stilted.
We don't know your characters well enough to discern if either of those notions are true, so rather than give specific notes, I'll instead share a similar scene from one of my WIP scripts, a police thriller set in 1950s Chicago. Just remember that while dialogue serves many purposes, the two primary purposes are to reveal character and to deliver information.
The set up: a new detective and his CO arrive at a murder scene where the pathologist leads them to the body. In a previous scene, the victim was having sex with a man in a car parked in a dark alley when the man attacked her mid-coitus. I then cut outside of the car where we hear her being killed, but don't actually see it. The decision to keep the murder off-screen was intentional, and you'll see why below:
Code
EXT. DOCKS - DAY (LATER)
Now a crime scene. Unis hold back rubbernecking dockworkers.
Morris and Tidwell, now wearing a Detective's shield, arrive
and are met by pathologist GIL JASPER.
JASPER
Captain. Detective.
MORRIS
Gil. Paint me a picture.
JASPER
Female vic, late teens. You had
lunch yet?
MORRIS
No.
JASPER
Lucky you.
They arrive at the body. The Redhead laid out on a blanket,
her breasts, face and neck slashed to ribbons. An ugly,
brutal death. Tidwell takes a knee.
TIDWELL
Time of death?
JASPER
I figure around midnight.
TIDWELL
Severed arteries but no blood on
the scene. She wasn't killed here.
He tilts her head, notices bruising around her neck. He
checks her hands.
TIDWELL
No defensive wounds. The slashing
was postmortem. He strangled her
first.
He notes bruising on her sternum.
TIDWELL
He pinned her down. I'd guess with
his knee.
JASPER
Kid's got a good eye.
MORRIS
He's not here for his looks. What
else do you see, Jake?
TIDWELL
It feels angry. Personal. He knew
her. Run a rape kit. A sawbuck says
you find semen.
I'm not saying this is Oscar-level stuff, but as I mentioned above, dialogue should reveal character and deliver information. I feel the dialogue here accomplishes both; it shows Tidwell has great attention to detail and the ability to accurately deduce (character) and, thanks to those abilities, he's able not only to tell us how the murder (which we didn't actually see) played out, he also gives us an idea about the girl's killer and his possible relationship to her (information).
Thanks everyone for the advice. To move away from the detective example, I'd like to share another part of my writing, this one from my WIP feature script for And Then There Were None, one of my favorite mystery stories. Here are a couple of excerpts featuring dialog:
Code
The boatman, FRED NARRACOTT, mid 30s, loads a suitcase into
the back of the motorboat. The characters chat amongst
themselves.
NARRACOTT
Is everyone here?
Wargrave looks around for Marston.
WARGRAVE
I believe there's still one
missing.
NARRACOTT
Well, they'd better get here soon,
there's a storm coming.
BLORE
Are storms common around here, sir?
NARRACOTT
Oh, yes. Violent storms can pop up
without warning. Many a ship has
met her fate out there. Often they
hit the rocks and break to pieces.
But you need not worry about that,
not with me at the helm.
Narracott looks towards the threatening clouds, which have
moved even closer.
NARRACOTT
That late rotter better get here,
or else none of us are going to the
island.
Code
Narracott gently eases the motorboat up to the edge of the
dock and then shuts the motor off.
NARRACOTT
Alright everyone, we're here. Watch
your step leaving the boat please.
The guests cautiously exit the motorboat and step onto the
dock.
ROGERS
Greetings. My name's Rogers. I'll
be the butler for this weekend. If
you require anything, let me or my
wife know. You need not worry about
your luggage. Me and Narracott will
be taking care of that presently.
NARRACOTT
Always glad to help.
Rogers and Narracott begin taking the guests' luggage from
the back of the motorboat while the guests make their way
along a sloping path up a rock wall to the mansion above.
NARRACOTT Oh, yes. Violent storms can pop up without warning. Many a ship has met her fate out there. Often they hit the rocks and break to pieces. But you need not worry about that, not with me at the helm.
Is poor - it's a silly question and a way to detailed answer.
For what it is worth I'd write it like this:
The boatman, FRED NARRACOTT, mid 30s, loads a suitcase into the back of the motorboat. The characters chat amongst themselves.
NARRACOTT Everyone here?
Wargrave looks around for Marston.
WARGRAVE One missing.
NARRACOTT They best get here soon. Storms's coming.
BLORE But you've sailed in storms - yes?
NARRACOTT Yeah...
Narracott looks towards the threatening clouds, which have moved even closer.
NARRACOTT Oh, yes. Violent storms can pop up without warning. Many a ship has met her fate out there. Often they hit the rocks and break to pieces. But you need not worry about that, not with me at the helm.
It's what we writers call an info dump or exposition. It's a none too subtle way of the writer conveying information in dialogue and it comes across as contrived. It's not terrible, it's just obvious and sounds unnatural.
The Storm is already coming via your description of the threatening clouds and your main character stating it. Btw, to up the drama, include some lightning strikes, maybe thunder rumbling. Let the visual do a lot of the talking. Set the visual scene fully.
Delete the 'oh, yes' for starters. Taking that away to begin with makes it sound better already, don't you think? Is Blore a nervous type? Is Narracott an alpha-male smart arse type? Excellent opportunity to intro both personalities if so, amidst highly dramatic circumstances.
Perhaps Narracott could relay a quick tale of an actual ship and crew lost at sea. Then kid around that he's never lost anyone... Not so far, anyway. That in turn injects some humour.
Btw, did you mean to write 'the characters chat amongst themselves'?
What do you mean by that? I know its subpar, but is it that subpar?
I've been known to be direct. Just a heads up.
Dialogue is the most interesting aspect of screenwriting, to me.
If you're skilled with dialogue (naturally), people will listen to your characters speak for hours and hours.
If you're not, people want your characters to shut up as quickly as they can.
But, unlike with plotting or character or theme, the weak dialogue writers have a special trick on their side: visuals. Your characters can speak an entire scene without saying a word, if you know what you're doing.
So, instead of trying to say every Goddamn word of exposition, cut every single word you don't need, then find a way to show the rest of your exposition visually.
That said, keep practicing the dialogue itself, but work on the visuals and take the dialogue out of your characters' mouthes in the meantime.
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Improving writing dialogue?
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