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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Screenwriting Class  ›  Improving writing dialogue? Moderators: George Willson
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  Author    Improving writing dialogue?  (currently 1387 views)
Lon
Posted: September 1st, 2020, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Your characters are speaking, but they have no voice. "On the nose" means "too precise." It's flat and impersonal.  Also, the grammar is wrong in parts. Like, "Me and Narracott will be taking care of that presently."

In my youth I had a problem using the proper pronoun, "me" or "I," when using a sentence wherein another person is included. "Me and my sister will be going to the beach tomorrow." "Give it to mom or I." Things like that. My teacher explained it to me like this: take the other person's name out of the sentence and see if it sounds right.

If you take "Narracott" out of that line, you have "Me will be taking care of that presently."

That's the wrong pronoun. It should be "I." "I and Narracott will be taking care of that presently."

But that's wrong in a different way. Etiquette dictates that when mentioning someone besides yourself in a sentence, you mention yourself last. Doesn't matter if you're including one other person or a dozen. And certainly a butler, trained in etiquette, would know that. "Narracott and I will be taking care of that presently."

Anyway, back to the impersonal dialogue. You need to filter the dialogue through the specific character. Is Narracott a smart-ass? A hard-ass? Is he low key? Is he super-friendly? "Violent storms can pop up without warning. Many a ship has met her fate out there. Often they hit the rocks and break to pieces." It's robotic. How would Narracott, specifically, as an individual with his own voice and personality, deliver that information?
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LC
Posted: September 1st, 2020, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Lon, the character might speak with bad grammar. That's perfectly acceptable if the writer has decided that's how he speaks.


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MarkD
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Ok, to help you people understand the context of the dialog a bit more, here's a link to the script as it is now, clunky dialog and all:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/196wtST0VKhDEDaVGR54xqEVR6NN-5Mz3/view?usp=sharing

Hope that helps!

Edit: Scott Woodworth is the name I use when writing scripts.
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Lon, the character might speak with bad grammar. That's perfectly acceptable if the writer has decided that's how he speaks.


Ah, the I of the storm.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Haha, Dave. I do concede Lon might have a point as it does sound awkward the way it's phrased. Just sayin' that's all - plenty of characters don't speak right - long as it's intentional.


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Lon
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Lon, the character might speak with bad grammar. That's perfectly acceptable if the writer has decided that's how he speaks.


I'm not saying it's a rule for every character to follow. But there are characters from whom you expect bad grammar, and characters from whom you expect proper grammar. And a butler, trained in etiquette, would know the "me" or "I" rule.

But for all I know the character isn't a properly trained butler and was just some homeless joe plucked off the street and given a job out of pity, and wouldn't know a participle from a preposition. So I'll give you this one.
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Haha, Dave. I do concede Lon might have a point as it does sound awkward the way it's phrased. Just sayin' that's all - plenty of characters don't speak right - long as it's intentional.


Or speak good.

I agreed with your general point - she making a joke - although I think Lon's point may have also been related to the fact that the dude was speaking the King's English - very sophisticated - and then a bit like a yokel. i.e., it was  inconsistent for the character.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lon


I'm not saying it's a rule for every character to follow. But there are characters from whom you expect bad grammar, and characters from whom you expect proper grammar. And a butler, trained in etiquette, would know the "me" or "I" rule.

But for all I know the character isn't a properly trained butler and was just some homeless joe plucked off the street and given a job out of pity, and wouldn't know a participle from a preposition. So I'll give you this one.


Yep - consistency is an issue that governs grammar


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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That's where dialogue gets tricky. Writing characters who have no concept of how to speak properly and convincing the reader that's it's not you who has that problem.

That's a big part of why proofreading is so important. It's not because someone's going to give a shit if you miss an apostrophe here and there, it's because you want to convince the reader that you are in control and this will be worth their time.


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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
That's where dialogue gets tricky. Writing characters who have no concept of how to speak properly and convincing the reader that's it's not you who has that problem.

That's a big part of why proofreading is so important. It's not because someone's going to give a shit if you miss an apostrophe here and there, it's because you want to convince the reader that you are in control and this will be worth their time.


Well said


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Robert Timsah
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkD


What do you mean by that? I know its subpar, but is it that subpar?


It's a process I'm still working on this dance

It's not about dialogue, really. It's about (imo) our scenes showing the reader what they need to know in the smoothest way possible, so they can make it through your script and understand it.

Eldave's specific examples are good. The back and forth between quick comments, visuals, - let the scene unfold naturally and visually, with dialogue used to simply backup the visuals.

Like I said, I'm still working on it myself


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