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I am, struggling with dialogue, if possible could you give me some advice on this scene. I am trying to get a distinct voice and i am worried its too wordy/clunky. Any support would be appreciated as I am really having difficulty.
Three of the X men sit around the table. Warren has his feet up. Siryn stands as usual. Beast has a data pad. EMMA We are leaving Theresa, we don't have a choice. BEAST Emma, we need to think. Where are we going? We need somewhere that can comfortably fit five students and the four of us. No mean feat. SIRYN They bypassed our defences here. They can do it again. So is it not better to stay here. There has to be a more effective plan. There has to be another way. Scott would know a way. EMMA SCOTT ISN'T HERE THERESA. HE HAS FUCKED OFF INTO SPACE. I am, still, here, I am trying to keep this place together. Angel puts his hand on Emma's shoulder. ANGEL Easy, boss. We get it. Warren takes the data pad. EMMA We take the kids and leave the mansion. A safe house. we own enough. BEAST But the safe houses were meant as temporary hideaways, not schools. We could reach out to SHIEL
Emma throws up her hands and cuts Beast off. Beast lowers his head. EMMA We are better out of the way as oppose to fearing attacks every night. SIRYN Going to ground. I think it's the wrong strategy. Angel stops lazing and sits up showing a picture of a townhouse.
SIRYN How can I put them through their paces there. God knows what will happen? Warren scrolls along to show a small training facility and a lab. SIRYN The attack That proves my point, they are a box of grenade ready to explode. They need the best facilities. BEAST Sarah maybe did go beyond necessary and proportionate. ANGEL The second time in three days they have tried to shoot her. She is scared and trying to fight back. EMMA We will work on that, all of it but I want you guys ready at dawn, we leave on the blackbird. Emma rises to leave. Siryn step in her way SIRYN But Emma Emma breathes and looks at Siryn and tilts her head. EMMA Move Theresa. Please.
it's hard to say without knowing what you're trying to acheive, plot and character-wise, in the scene.
My biggest remarks/changes would be -
Quoted Text
EMMA We are leaving Theresa, we don't have a choice.
.
Unless it is absolutely necessary - get rid of "Theresa" and make it two shorter sentences. "We're leaving. We don't have a choice."
Same thing whenever any of your characters adresss each other by name - not necessary with only three character OS
Quoted Text
They bypassed our defences here. They can do it again. So is it not better to stay here. There has to be a more effective plan. There has to be another way. Scott would know a way.
becomes: "they've already made it through/gotten through/broken through here once. We can't stay here. [there could be a beat here]. Scott would know what to do/where to go/where we could go/etc
Use contractions. Most of the time we don't speak in full sentences spelling out every word. And a lot of the time people interrupt and talk over others before a thought is completed, especially in a high tension situation.
You're telling a bit too much and too many words is slowing the exchange.
ANGEL The second time in three days they have tried to shoot her. She is scared and trying to fight back. ANGEL It's the second time...? Suggestion: She's been shot at three times. She's scared. Stands to reason she's gonna' fight back. Or just: She's gonna' fight back.
EMMA We will work on that, all of it but I want you guys ready at dawn, we leave on the blackbird. Suggestion: We'll work on that. Personally though, I'd cut the preamble: ' We will work on that, all of it it's slowing the rhythm of urgency. It's too plodding and not necessary info. Far better imho that that sentence begins with: We leave at dawn. Or: Be ready at dawn. (like an order) Would they already know they'd be leaving on the Blackbird? Is that necessary info?
Put more drama and urgency in there. Too many words make it sound pedestrian and not match (once again) the urgency of the situation:
EMMA We are leaving Theresa, we don't have a choice. Suggestion: We're leaving, Theresa. We're leaving. We don't have a choice.
(establish the hierarchy in your narrative too, what's up for debate and what's not.)
BEAST Emma, we need to think. Where are we going? We need somewhere that can comfortably fit five students and the four of us. No mean feat. (Cut the last bit: no mean feat, that's self explanatory.)
Problem one is that your dialogue is exposition laden - where a lot of folks are telling other folks stuff they already know (for our sake) or at least we should assume they know. For example, if you were writing a scene about the JFK shooting, you wouldn't write:
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 1 Kennedy was shot in the head.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT 2 I know. I was there with you. Mrs. Kennedy was too.
So in your dialogue block, I've copied the first half of the scene bolded all of the things the characters should already know.
Quoted Text
EMMA We are leaving Theresa, we don't have a choice.
BEAST Emma, we need to think. Where are we going? We need somewhere that can comfortably fit five students and the four of us. No mean feat.
SIRYN They bypassed our defences here. They can do it again. So is it not better to stay here. There has to be a more effective plan. There has to be another way. Scott would know a way.
EMMA SCOTT ISN'T HERE THERESA. HE HAS FUCKED OFF INTO SPACE. I am, still, here, I am trying to keep this place together.
Angel puts his hand on Emma's shoulder.
ANGEL Easy, boss. We get it.
Warren takes the data pad.
EMMA We take the kids and leave the mansion. A safe house. we own enough.
BEAST But the safe houses were meant as temporary hideaways, not schools. We could reach out to SHIEL
Included in above are a lot if things I assumed that we already saw - e.g., we saw them have their defences crushed already. If so, never a good idea to have a character tell us something we already saw.
So - it reads robotic - because they are merely exchanging information for our sakes.
As others have pointed out - it also does not sound natural (it sounds wooden) because you don't use contractions and other devices people use when speaking to each other. Almost every line is too long. Something like:
Three of the X men sit around the table. Warren has his feet up. Siryn stands as usual. Beast has a datapad.
EMMA We’re leaving. It’s the only option.
BEAST And go where exactly? Thre’s nine of us. You know a place that ---
EMMA No.
SIRYN Scott would.
EMMA Scott isn’t fucking here now, is he!? I am the one trying to keep this place together!
Angel puts his hand on Emma's shoulder.
ANGEL Easy….
Warren takes the datapad as Emma contemplates – the wheels are spinning.
EMMA One of our safe houses….
BEAST That’d work for a few days. But they’re meant as temporary hideaways. And not exactly designed for kids and schooling. Perhaps we could reach out to SHIEL, He would –
EMMA No!
Emma glowers at Beast off. He lowers his head.
EMMA I’m done waiting for attacks every night.
Or something like that. But here is what I think the biggest problem is. YOU DON'T NEED THE SCENE AS WRITTEN -
The main reason you are struggling with dialogue is that you are writing what is basically a meaningless scene. You're dedicating nearly two pages to whether or not they should leave the location and go to a safe house. What basically should be a no-brainer or not. It's really not an interesting topic for debate - that is why the dialogue will never sound interesting. The core of the scene should be about questioning leadership. Start with:
EMMA So a safe house is the only option.
SIRYN (accusing) It wouldn't be if Shiel was here.
Then write the rest based on that - Emma dealing with the accusation that Sheil would have been a better leader.