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This once again is based of feedback I received on my latest OWC script. And yes, I just came up with that term myself.
Here is the passage in question:
Quoted Text
The CIA man and his PARTNER lean against the side of the car, smoking cigarettes.
PARTNER The people in the other towns, do you think they'll find out?
CIA MAN I wouldn't count on it. What happens in these hayseed towns usually stays there.
The CIA man takes a drag from his cigarette.
CIA MAN There is no spy in that town. Turns out you don't need bombs or bullets to destroy a town. All you need are words. Shame really. It was such a peaceful town before I got there.
I'm pretty sure his partner would already know this information. Which means it's purely for the audience, which isn't great.
The logline reads "A small town descends into chaos when the citizens learn that there is a foreign spy among them." Up until that point in the script, for all the reader knows there could be a spy in town and the actions of the townspeople are somewhat justified (but not really). That statement by the CIA man that there is no spy in town after all is supposed to be what I call a "gut-punch reveal" where the sudden realization is like a punch to the gut.
A lot of TV dramas in the era of The Twilight Zone thrived on these. Star Trek TOS immediately comes to mind as one of them.
So now to my main question. How could I have written this so that 1) The reveal doesn't seem like it was done for the audience's benefit and 2) Have the reveal "land" with the impact I wanted it to?
Too much detail in the dialogue. And in order to land an effective gut punch, you need an effective build-up with misdirection. It didn't help that most people knew the episode your OWC entry was based on -- it was very close to the actual episode, maybe too close. To land an effective gut punch, it has to come unexpectedly.
That being said, you might've been able to pull it off a little better with more effective dialogue, which can be done just by eliminating some of the details forced into the dialogue.
PARTNER Think anybody will ever find out about this? In other towns?
CIA MAN Doubt it. They'll be too busy tearing each other to shreds.
He takes a drag from his cigarette, sharing a silence with his partner as they stare off at all the mayhem in the distance.
PARTNER Who'd a thunk it, huh? That words could do so much damage. No bombs, no bullets. Just... words.
CIA MAN It's a shame, really. This town used to be so nice... peaceful. Least before we got here.
He tosses his cigarette and gets into his car. Partner looks over the burning town once more before following suit.
Even then, the set-up needs to be stronger. More misdirection would've helped, even if it deviated from the episodes blue print you followed. Also, could've worked better if it was established that his partner was kind of new to the job. That way, info could've been delivered to him in a way that it would be realistically new to him. OR... maybe someone on the police department (perhaps a transfer?) was in on it and that's the guy he's talking to instead of his partner?
PARTNER There was no spy... was there?
CIA MAN hits his cigarette, exhales smoke. His silence says it all.
PARTNER Christ.
He shakes his head, amazed by all the mayhem in front of them.
PARTNER Who'd a thunk it... one little lie could do so much damage. Not bullets, not bombs... just... words. (a beat) You think anyone else will find out about this? In other towns?
CIA MAN They'll be too busy tearing each other apart.
CIA Man takes another drag from his cigarette.
CIA MAN It's a shame. This used to be such a nice town.
And he tosses his cigarette butt, disappearing into his car.
His Partner gives the burning town one final look before following suit.
TBH, don't pay too much attention to what I say... that being said, I'm going to say some more lol
I would assume that the dynamic as partners on this mission would be that they are both fully briefed. If the dynamic were different, say CIA MAN was a superior rather than partner, then it's likely a superior is privy to higher-level information.
Personally, I would have had a subordinate work it out themselves based on what his superior has said or acted (or not said, sometimes that's just as god), with the audience working it out at the same time.
Something like.
SUBORDINATE Sir. Forgive me, but why aren't we stopping them?
CIA MAN That's on a need to know basis.
The CIA Man takes a drag from his cigarette.
CIA MAN Time to go. Get the president on the line.
SUBORDINATE Sir, shouldn't we make sure the spy is apprehended?
The CIA MAN drops his cigarette, squashes it into the tarmac with his foot.
CIA MAN What spy?
CIA MAN climbs into the back seat. The subordinate stares at the burning town in the distance.
that was a quick example, probably terrible... definitely terrible lol but just have a play around with it I guess, try something less direct, push the audience to the answer without giving it to them straight.
I'd have advice, but you're currently on my don't bother list based on your snarky responses to the advice given in other threads. Will see how you do here.
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Landing gut-punch reveals?
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